To be annoyed or am I acting spoilt?

[sittingunderthetree]

I came to my boyfriend's city for the weekend. He lives in a different city so we only see each other at the weekend. Spent a lot of money to get here, currently extremely broke. My boyfriend is usually extremely attentive and really caring for context

Anyway, since I have arrived it's been non stop running errands. He is moving house next week and so is currently staying at his sisters. I'm quite close to his sister so she said it was fine for us to sleep there.

Anyway. When I got here on Friday it was past 11pm and he said he needed to go back to work to print stuff off. This took 1 hour. Then he said he wanted to go and see his brother for a few drinks. Didn't get back to his sisters until 3am. Had to wake up at 8am as he had an event he had to do in another city at 2pm. I went to this and waited around about 3 hours whilst he did it. Took 4 hours round trip to get there. Then he said he needed to go to see his family so we stayed at his mum's until 12am. He then met his brother again at 1am for a drink, and I asked him to come back because it was our last night together, which he did. This morning we both had to wake up at 8am again to move stuff for his house move, which involved me basically sitting in the car until now so his brother could help him carry stuff. He now is going for training for a sport he does until 8pm.

His sister has now gone on holiday and I don't feel comfortable sitting in her house on my own. So he's dropped me at a local coffee shop and then he's going to pick me up at 8.

I feel like shit. I know its so childish but I made such an effort to be here and I just feel so exhausted by all the running around. We didn't do anything nice, and we didn't really interact apart from during the drives to the things he needed to do.

On top of this I have had really bad chest infection so still have a temperature and feel sick.

I feel like such an idiot sitting in a coffee shop.

He's dropping me back home after his run but to be honest even tho I'm broke I just want to get a train...

Do you think I'm being childish ??

I don't even know whetehr to bring it up

He needs a few more days to think about whether he wants to be with me ..

Oh does he now?

Don't let him control you like this OP. Tell him you don't need a few days. It's over.

He sounds like a right twat

Just stop telling his calls. Don't open his messages. It'll really piss him off. If he makes the effort to drive to your house to see you, consider talking about it.

He needs a few more days to think about whether he wants to be with me ..

Please don't say you're going to wait around for his decision ...?!

Do you think him knowing that you're waiting for the master's dregs is going to make him think more of you?

It's only going to green light even worse behaviour.

I think there is a tendency to feel that when it comes to relationships everything is dramatic and subtext and games etc. As I said before take a step back.

He's been a bit of a dick, you aren't compatible and neither of you is happy.

So don't take up loads of headspace in turmoil over this / waiting for him to come back to you / debating what his words mean...

This really doesn't sound like an especially good relationship - you aren't getting on very well and a few months in there's already underlying tension and and awkward travel distance between you etc.

Just say you agree it's not working and you can both move on

I would reply with something along the lines of
'The thing is twatface, I don't need another second to think about whether I want to be with you or not. I don't'
While I understand that real life does interfere with everything, I don't think it is reasonable to abandon you at such ridiculous times too when you have only been together a few months. Why did he have to see everyone in the middle of the night? Why did he have to do his hobby? Particularly knowing you are ill.
Good riddance I say!

And then go and open a bottle of fizzy.

He needs a few more days to think about whether he wants to be with me.

Gosh, how extremely considerate he is - pondering it all so deeply.

Please, OP. Give him a few days and then tell him to FUCK OFF.

What an arse badger, honestly.

He’s treated you badly and it’s all your fault, is it? You KNOW that is utter bullshit.

Whatever his nice qualities, his underlying opinion of women stinks.

Don’t stick around to find out more, please, OP.

If he actually does care for you he’ll reflect, change and come back to prove himself.

Instead he wants you to hang around waiting to see if you’re “worthy”.

FUCK. OFF.

I’d be annoyed at visiting his brother at 1am. Doesn’t he sleep?

He wants a low/no maintenance relationship.

Are you happy to wait in line for his time?

Nothing about his behavior indicates he’s planning on changing!!

Be brave and block him.

Op you seem to have left the conversation again where he is dictating how he is going to treat you. Can you not say to yourself that YOU don't want to be treated like this and make the decision yourself that you're going to end things? This will just be the beginning of him treating you poorly and you trying to work out why, and if you can get him to be nice to you again.

Take back the power and end it.

He love bombed you in the beginning, now he’s testing your boundaries to see just how much shit you will take. Leaving you sitting for hours in a cafe, dumping you and picking you up again. This never gets better. Yes, he will turn on the charm again just to reel you back in, but he will show his true colours time and time again and you will never get back to how it was in those first few months. Save yourself any more heartache and walk away now.

I hope you're ok OP, what a shithead of a guy. This sounds so much like an awful ex of mine that reading your first post I could almost predict where it was going.

The reason is it follows the pick up artist rules of purposefully showing you you're not a priority and then blaming you if you expect to be treated with respect. Has he ever given you a straight compliment or is it always a bit backhanded? My ex used "negging" and loved saying things like "you look really great, in this lighting".

Anyway, I may be projecting too much, but any guy that treats you like shit, blames you for wanting to be treated decently and breaks up with you to give you the chance to plead for the relationship is a grade A gaslighting arsehole whether he's purposefully following the pick up artist game or not. The only way to "win" is to thank him for the wake up call and decline his oh so gracious offer.

@Chunkers

I Think you are right. Up until this weekend he was saying things about wanting to marry me, how this would be his last relationship, that I am way out of his league , asking if I believed in soulmates, openly admitting that he was "obsessed" with me ... And now he's acting so cold

He said it was manipulative to make him feel guilty about doing his hobby and that he had already told me I was making him feel guilty a week ago and that I have done it intentionally again, so he can't be with someone like that

The first time I "made him feel guilty" was on Friday. He picked me up from the station and took me for a coffee. When I was speaking to him he was checking his instgeam. One of my pet hates is social media scrolling when I'm talking to anyone. So I said "am I disturbing you?" In a jokey tone

... And apparently that is manipulative?

From your last post I'd say his behaviour is 100% intentional and he's following a script to train you to expect the crumbs he's willing to give and nothing more.

I'm so sorry OP - read up on pick up artist techniques so you can know what to look out for in future. It's so manipulative and the whole point is to leave you feeling uncertain and insecure. They're shitheads who'd rather feel like a big man in control than have an honest, decent relationship.

Read this article and see if it resonates: www.bustle.com/p/7-pickup-artist-techniques-to-look-out-for-15897579

@MoltenLasagne

It doesn't really sound like him.

He's incredibly shy and insecure ... The classic nice guy maybe?

He was very awkward and Shy initiating anything in the beginning stages of our relationship.

A lot of shy guys get attracted into these things because they're looking for a way to talk to women and rather than good advice they find these communities online. Perhaps he was initially insecure but now he sounds like he is acting very entitled - possibly he is just immature and acting like this through non awareness though.

Ask yourself - firstly, would you ever treat someone like this in the first place, and secondly, if when they said they were upset by your behaviour whether you'd blame them or if you'd admit you'd been inconsiderate?

He has treated you appallingly this past weekend, you are 100% at rights to call him on it and be allowed to set boundaries of how you expect to be treated which does not include being left in a sodding cafe for hours with a chest infection! But sometimes the only way to set a boundary is being willing to walk away.

I hope you're feeling better soon, both heart and health-wise.

Did he apologise

@mankyfourthtoe

No. He maintained that he didn't do anything wrong, and that it was all my fault. Called me manipulative and "like his sister".

I think many men are "shy" because they are trying to hide their true self.
And his is showing off now, when he thought he had you secure, as you went along with his last relationship talk and you were travelling to meet him, etc.

Better walk off now. No doubt.

I think he is projecting the word ‘manipulative’ on to you because that is exactly what he is being himself. I know it’s easy for others to say ditch him, but if you step back and see yourself going forward with this relationship, have a good think about how you felt this whole weekend as that’s the reality you are facing on a regular basis. I hope you realise you are worth more than that.

I think he projecting onto you as well.

Isn't this part of the DARVO thing? Reverse Victim Offender?

He should have told you before you went up that he'd be doing alot of stuff that didnt involve you. At least YOU could have made the decision as to whether you'd be happy with being sat on your own all weekend, feeling like shit.

Instead, he didn't do that. He didnt consider you at all in his plans and expected you to fit in with it all. Selfish.
Then when you talk to him about it he gets all defensive and dumps you?

• Emotionally manipulative
• Selfish

Not good qualities and override any good ones, in my book.

I think you need to take charge of this situation where he's dangling your relationship in front of you and say 'Actually, I dont want to be seen as someone who just fits in with your plans. I want to be treated with respect (as I would do for my partner) and as an equal'.

If you stay, you run the risk of him expecting this to be the status quo. And any time you dont like it, he'll bring out the dumping card to bring you back into line.

It doesn't sound good to me OP.
Have you managed to get home ok?

"Like his sister"?

I'd imagine this guy doesn't like women OP.

Don't be the one he gets to take that out on. Seriously, anyone who needs to take a few days to work out whether they want to be with you is not a good bet.

I don't know about pick up artist techniques, I reckon this guy is just your common or garden emotional abuser. Or possibly the lesser self-obsessed arsehole. He's hung out the red flag bunting, whatever he is.

Just don't go back there OP. Tell him to fuck off and be glad he lives in a different city, so you're not likely to run into him in Sainsburys.

Don't do the pick me dance. Respect yourself and tell him he doesn't need a few days to decide because you are deciding it's finished.
Different expectations is one thing, him having a hissy fit because you dare to bring up issues, quite reasonable ones at that, is a different matter.

I have been in abusive relationships before, and it has hit me in the last 24 hours that this is such a form of conditioning.

I actually feel afraid of him. All the lovely stuff he did for me wasn't because I'm nice.

I feel sick. I'm literally shaking in work and can't stay focused.