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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed or am I acting spoilt?

216 replies

sittingunderthetree · 22/09/2019 16:45

I came to my boyfriend's city for the weekend. He lives in a different city so we only see each other at the weekend. Spent a lot of money to get here, currently extremely broke. My boyfriend is usually extremely attentive and really caring for context

Anyway, since I have arrived it's been non stop running errands. He is moving house next week and so is currently staying at his sisters. I'm quite close to his sister so she said it was fine for us to sleep there.

Anyway. When I got here on Friday it was past 11pm and he said he needed to go back to work to print stuff off. This took 1 hour. Then he said he wanted to go and see his brother for a few drinks. Didn't get back to his sisters until 3am. Had to wake up at 8am as he had an event he had to do in another city at 2pm. I went to this and waited around about 3 hours whilst he did it. Took 4 hours round trip to get there. Then he said he needed to go to see his family so we stayed at his mum's until 12am. He then met his brother again at 1am for a drink, and I asked him to come back because it was our last night together, which he did. This morning we both had to wake up at 8am again to move stuff for his house move, which involved me basically sitting in the car until now so his brother could help him carry stuff. He now is going for training for a sport he does until 8pm.

His sister has now gone on holiday and I don't feel comfortable sitting in her house on my own. So he's dropped me at a local coffee shop and then he's going to pick me up at 8.

I feel like shit. I know its so childish but I made such an effort to be here and I just feel so exhausted by all the running around. We didn't do anything nice, and we didn't really interact apart from during the drives to the things he needed to do.

On top of this I have had really bad chest infection so still have a temperature and feel sick.

I feel like such an idiot sitting in a coffee shop.

He's dropping me back home after his run but to be honest even tho I'm broke I just want to get a train...

Do you think I'm being childish ??

I don't even know whetehr to bring it up

OP posts:
category12 · 23/09/2019 12:23

Op, I really think he was building up to the dump anyway - he was determinedly doing his own thing the entire weekend and showing you no care at all.

I wouldn't be surprised if someone else has caught his eye. Or moving seems like the time to break things off.

You were absolutely in the right to challenge him about his behaviour, and really it's a bullet dodged. You have to be able to talk frankly with a partner and to state your needs without them getting in a tizz or cutting you off. He wasn't the right man.

I'm sorry you're hurting Flowers. But, next!

FairiesontheSwing · 23/09/2019 12:23

Trust him about what? You are well rid if he treats you like this at this early stage.

JorisBonson · 23/09/2019 12:28

What an arsehole OP, really sorry

EKGEMS · 23/09/2019 12:29

Hollowtalk It's a get out of jail free card for people who want to behave horribly and not feel bad about hurting others

Original poster
sittingunderthetree · 23/09/2019 12:31

It just makes no sense Sunday morning he gave me a house key and said we would go paint shopping, but that didn't happen obviously

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 23/09/2019 12:32

He's dumped me for making him feel shit

Send him a THANK YOU card! And then give yourself a hug, you have a had a narrow escape!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 23/09/2019 12:34

I say this over and over again on here and it's worth saying again - nobody can make anybody else feel anything

@EKGEMS to bloody right! The only people I know who say that have the thinnest of skins combined with the most dismissive attitudes to other people's feelings!

Whitegrenache · 23/09/2019 12:38

You are well rid

You WILL feel
Better soon I promise

Ride the sadness and another dp who treats you well and can discuss issues is far better for you.

Hugs x

Lweji · 23/09/2019 12:39

I'm half guessing, but I suspect he expected you to apologise.
And I'd bet he'll still magnanimously contact you fairly soon.

Gottobefree · 23/09/2019 12:42

Moving is stressful, so I can imagine he's stressed or very busy preparing for the move.

Maybe you could of checked his schedule before travelling to see him? also be prepared to help... not sure why you waited in the car when you could of been helping. I'm sure not every weekend can be fun and games but once he's settled down you guys can get back into a better routine with visits.

NoSauce · 23/09/2019 12:44

I’m not surprised he dumped you. I could see it coming before you posted about it. Sounds like he was having second thoughts with the way he treated you this weekend.

I’m sorry OP. Obviously you’re upset and hurt which is understandable but in the long term I think you’re well rid of him.

Take care of yourself Flowers

Ellisandra · 23/09/2019 12:56

I’m guessing in the few months of this long distance dating, it’s been you making most of the effort to go to him?

It hurts now, but it’s good he showed his colours. He didn’t dump you for any of the reasons he said - he dumped you because (a) he wasn’t into you* as proved by his behaviour this weekend and (b) because you did the right thing calling him on it, and he just wants sex for no effort, and you having your own needs is more than no effort

*have a read of “He’s Just Not That Into You

You did the right thing. Do have a think about prioritising yourself more in future though. LDR are tricky because you can’t just put everything else on hold every weekend. But 3 hours tagging along behind him at an activity? You were spending money you couldn’t afford and time you could do better things with on THAT?

Ellisandra · 23/09/2019 12:57

@Gottobefree thread moved on!

GiveMeHope103 · 23/09/2019 13:07

well you dodged a bullet there. what a horrible man. never let anyone treat you that way again op.

MrGsFancyNewVagina · 23/09/2019 13:10

Well put, EKGEMS. It is an excuse for not accepting that shitty behaviour can impact negatively on another person’s emotions and thoughts.

dollydaydream114 · 23/09/2019 13:32

First of all, please stop referring to what he did over the weekend as 'errands'. Going out drinking with other people in the early hours of the morning is not an 'errand'. Yes, the house move stuff, fine, but not the rest.

Secondly, you have had a lucky escape. I strongly suspect that he wanted to end things with you, but was too cowardly to tell you straight, so decided he'd behave like a shit and then either wait for you to dump him, or wait for you to have a go at him so that he could then dump you and claim it was somehow your fault. I've been in your exact situation and it sucks, but honestly, you are better off out of it. Way better. He's a shit.

Batcrazy101 · 23/09/2019 13:48

Can I come at this from another angle…

I got the feeling from your posts that he did tell you he would be busy but you should come anyway (my take on that was that he isn’t expecting you to be ill and could join in with his plans)

New(ish) relationship, he’s been spending every weekend with you. He needs to see his family and run errands at some point as I assume he words during the week. It’s called real life. Yes he should have advised you what his plans where this weekend but he was always going to be the bad guy here. If he had invited you out with his brother for drinks (and you haven’t actually said you weren’t invited) He would have been insensitive for not thinking about your financial situation. Maybe he was a bit annoyed that you wanted to stay in all weekend because you weren’t well and if that’s what you wanted to do then you should have stayed at home.

I think you have been a little selfish but I am also sorry you are feeling rubbish that he dumped you.

Coffeeandchocolate9 · 23/09/2019 14:10

@HollowTalk

I say this over and over again on here and it's worth saying again - nobody can make anybody else feel anything

I can never understand this quote. Of course people can make you feel things - they can make you feel unloved, unattractive, stupid and the rest. Why pretend that they can't, just because one person says so?

Not just one person - at least one whole religion and quite a lot of individuals. My feelings are my reactions to what other people are up to. If I'm feeling otherwise fantastic, you calling me fat won't make me feel unattractive. If you catch me on a low day, I might end up feeling unattractive. But I am responsible for my own feelings and I can choose whether I focus from " I feel unattractive now" to "hmm yeah I am curvy but I like my curves". I found it empowering to be responsible for my own feelings and not for others'. That doesn't mean....

@EKGEMS

It's a get out of jail free card for people who want to behave horribly and not feel bad about hurting others

Nothing gives me a free pass to be unkind or inconsiderate to others. I still know what is behaviour likely to be received badly and I'm still responsible for what comes out of my mouth.

@CuriousaboutSamphire too bloody right! The only people I know who say that have the thinnest of skins combined with the most dismissive attitudes to other people's feelings!

Now either it's your fault or my responsibility Wink but I feel rather unfairly judged here, you can't possibly know enough about me to know if that's true about me or not!

Do you all think that the OP is responsible for her (ex) boyfriend's feelings?

I think she (and he, and we all) have a general responsibility not to behave in a way thay is cruel or unkind, but I think it is those, like the boyfriend who try to make others responsible for their feelings without taking any responsibility themselves who are thin skinned and dismissive.

Original poster
sittingunderthetree · 23/09/2019 15:22

@Batcrazy101

I think you are right, and I do agree that this is due to a mix up of expectations for the weekend and a dose of real life after a honey moon period of just chatting for hours on end.

OP posts:
Original poster
sittingunderthetree · 23/09/2019 15:23

He's also just asked me if we can speak tonight about it. Not really sure if that is such a good idea right now

OP posts:
CarysRed · 23/09/2019 15:38

I’m sorry OPFlowers but it seems a lucky escape!

ChicCroissant · 23/09/2019 15:39

Weve only been together a few months. It's long distance.

So how often have you actually seen him in that time, just at weekends? Probably not that much really.

ThatCurlyGirl · 23/09/2019 15:45

Take a step back and breathe for a minute OP.

Sometimes our instinct is to not want someone to break up with us, more so than us wanting to stay together with that certain person.

Did you really feel happy in this situation before the weekend? Has long distance allowed you to really get to know each other as well as you'd like to? Are you on the same page when it comes to your relationship or has the weekend made you realise you aren't?

If I were you I'd say I think it's best we both focus on ourselves for the next week while he gets settled in and then have a chat about stuff after that.

Give yourself (and him) a bit of time to gather your thoughts once the upset from this weekend has died down.

Lweji · 23/09/2019 16:03

He's also just asked me if we can speak tonight about it.

I agree that it's not worth it. Don't stay with people who break up with you for nothing and then want to "speak"/get back together, usually "if" or "made a mistake", etc.

Just thank him for showing his true colours. And move on.

Lweji · 23/09/2019 16:05

I think you are right, and I do agree that this is due to a mix up of expectations for the weekend and a dose of real life after a honey moon period of just chatting for hours on end.

Leaving you alone on a weekend he's already left you on your own for hours, or was busy doing his thing? That's real life with him, i.e. not bothering that much about you. Is that what you want from a life partner?