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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed or am I acting spoilt?

216 replies

sittingunderthetree · 22/09/2019 16:45

I came to my boyfriend's city for the weekend. He lives in a different city so we only see each other at the weekend. Spent a lot of money to get here, currently extremely broke. My boyfriend is usually extremely attentive and really caring for context

Anyway, since I have arrived it's been non stop running errands. He is moving house next week and so is currently staying at his sisters. I'm quite close to his sister so she said it was fine for us to sleep there.

Anyway. When I got here on Friday it was past 11pm and he said he needed to go back to work to print stuff off. This took 1 hour. Then he said he wanted to go and see his brother for a few drinks. Didn't get back to his sisters until 3am. Had to wake up at 8am as he had an event he had to do in another city at 2pm. I went to this and waited around about 3 hours whilst he did it. Took 4 hours round trip to get there. Then he said he needed to go to see his family so we stayed at his mum's until 12am. He then met his brother again at 1am for a drink, and I asked him to come back because it was our last night together, which he did. This morning we both had to wake up at 8am again to move stuff for his house move, which involved me basically sitting in the car until now so his brother could help him carry stuff. He now is going for training for a sport he does until 8pm.

His sister has now gone on holiday and I don't feel comfortable sitting in her house on my own. So he's dropped me at a local coffee shop and then he's going to pick me up at 8.

I feel like shit. I know its so childish but I made such an effort to be here and I just feel so exhausted by all the running around. We didn't do anything nice, and we didn't really interact apart from during the drives to the things he needed to do.

On top of this I have had really bad chest infection so still have a temperature and feel sick.

I feel like such an idiot sitting in a coffee shop.

He's dropping me back home after his run but to be honest even tho I'm broke I just want to get a train...

Do you think I'm being childish ??

I don't even know whetehr to bring it up

OP posts:
mankyfourthtoe · 23/09/2019 16:34

He treated you badly, and is fine about it, would you be happy with more weekends like that or you could have a break then look for someone who treats you well and is thoughtful.

dollydaydream114 · 23/09/2019 16:57

He treated you like shit. Fine if he has work stuff to do etc, but not fine to go drinking with his brother until 3am, leaving you behind. He's a wanker.

INeedAFlerken · 23/09/2019 17:48

He doesn't take criticism well so you're waiting for a good time to bring it up?

Seriously?

Stop tiptoeing around the selfish man-child and stand up for yourself. Tiptoeing so as not to upset someone isn't a healthy way to live. Grown ups can take criticism and apologise when necessary.

I'd end the relationship.

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/09/2019 17:53

I imagine he found if very easy to chat on the phone for hours. There really was no commitment there beyond talking even if he seemed to be making plans.

Then you could go up, see him, be the perfect woman for him with none of the day to day grind. Then when he realises there is a reality behind this fantasy and you don’t fit the expectation, his reaction was to dump you.

Take some time, as someone said a few posts ago, the first instinct is often to stay with the person, who rejected you. I wouldn’t be talking to him tonight, if ever. He was too disrespectful.

If you continue this relationship, it’s not going to be real and you’ll know if it ever does get real, you’ll maybe not see him for dust. Say you get ill for more than a couple of days, you need support because someone you love is ill or dies, he doesn’t sound like a reliable shoulder to cry on. Or life partner if you want kids for example. Idk how old you are so you perhaps haven’t made those kind of decisions.

C0untDucku1a · 23/09/2019 17:55

Why would you want to speak to
Him tonight? He has treated you badly. The only good outcome from this is you say ‘no thank you. You showed me who you really are and it is not someone id want to be involved with. Goodbye.’ Then block.

The worst thing you can do at this point is to talk to
Him, let him make you think you were unreasonable, and you walk on eggshells around him, never questioning him, because you dont want the same
Reaction from him again. He will train you not to question him again.

Walk away op.

GroggyLegs · 23/09/2019 18:39

Not really sure if that is such a good idea right now

Listen to your gut OP.
CurlyGirls advice also seems sound on that point.

category12 · 23/09/2019 18:41

OP, this is a man you cannot challenge for fear of him throwing a strop or dumping you. These are massive red flags. You cannot have an adult relationship with someone like that.

Don't end up taking him back (or letting him "forgive" you and take you back). If there was miscommunication or whatnot, it's really irrelevant at this point, because he did exactly what you feared and went for the nuclear option as soon as you crossed him.

Original poster
sittingunderthetree · 23/09/2019 18:57

I just don't understand what he's seeking to gain from the call ?

Yesterday I said to him after the row "are we breaking up" he said "i am' and then kept saying he wanted to go home.

What good will the phone call do? He didn't engage in a conversation last night

OP posts:
category12 · 23/09/2019 18:58

Probably to suck you back in for more.

SweetAsSpice · 23/09/2019 19:04

Yes. He’s playing games.

He is showing you who he is. You know how this is making you feel. Don’t ignore it.

Broom19 · 23/09/2019 19:17

I could've written your original post myself. I had a long distance relationship a few years back and it was amazing to start. Then, gradually, I noticed that more and more of the time that I spent visiting was BORING. I would sit around in the car whilst he popped into a friend's house for 5 mins (45 mins)... or watch him fixing his car on the driveway for 3 hours... or eat dinner by myself because someone would call him whilst we were eating and he would just chat away for to them.
I was always so excited to see him at weekends but it became clear that he wasn't as bothered. He just didn't want to say it so basically went about his normal business, acting like I wasn't really there, until it actually got so ridiculous that I HAD to be the one to say something. Coincidently, this also happened just before he moved into his first flat (lived with his mum before).
Get out of it now. Long distance relationships are had enough even when both people are 100% committed. Even if you sort it out with him now, it's not going to go anywhere in the long run.
Be strong and remember your self worth.

C0untDucku1a · 23/09/2019 19:27

Block him.

dazzlinghaze · 23/09/2019 19:59

My stomach dropped when I read what you said about him taking offence to any perceived criticism. I've recently broken up with a guy exactly like that and it's left me feeling so messed up. I really hope you don't get back with him. It won't get better, his reactions to you trying to have a conversation about his behaviour will get worse and worse. By the end of the relationship I was so unsure of myself because he always turned everything back on me, saying I made him feel like crap, was so nasty etc. I wish I had left him at the first sign of his victim complex.

Unknownanon · 23/09/2019 20:10

Block him and move on. He's playing games. Show him he can't treat you like this.

Original poster
sittingunderthetree · 23/09/2019 20:24

I just don't understand why he would break up with me for asking why he was late picking me up from the coffee shop.

What will he tell his family? That we broke up because I moaned a bit about being left in a coffee shop in a different city to my own for ages with an illness?

Why didn't he just brush it off, say sorry and move on?

He's acting as if I have done something unforgivable.

I can't eat, I've hardly slept. It feels like torture

OP posts:
Bodicea · 23/09/2019 20:44

Op he is gaslighting you.

He has not treated you how you deserve to be treated and been called out on it. So he is lashing out.

If he came to visit you for the weekend is this what you would have done? Would he just have accepted you going ofF for a drink with someone and making you wait up. Would you have gone off to do your hobby while he waited about? I think the answer is absolutely not. It is not a healthy balance. He has all the power. You have none. It is not a good starting place so early on.

Please don’t give him any more of your time.

OooErMissus · 23/09/2019 20:46

I hate to say it, but ... he's just not that into you.

What will he say to his family? That it didn't work out. He wasn't feeling it anymore. Any of the usual things people say to brush over a relationship they've already moved on from.

I don't say this to be unkind - truly.

But to get you to not hang around waiting for his scraps. That's a one way ticket to feeling completely crap about yourself, and losing all respect from him, to boot.

Believe me - you are better off without this one, and there's plenty more (much better) where he came from. Thanks

Broom19 · 23/09/2019 20:47

He's acting like that to make himself feel better- by making out you are in the wrong (even though you are clearly not!) he doesn't have to sit at home feeling like an arsehole!

It's normal to feel rubbish during/ after a break up, especially if you're also poorly. Please don't let him play with your emotions anymore. It's not about the late pick up from the coffee shop- that's just a convenient reason that he has grabbed onto.

peardrops1 · 23/09/2019 21:03

OP, I am not a fan of this guy. He sounds like a turd. Do you want to date a turd?

Original poster
sittingunderthetree · 23/09/2019 22:40

He needs a few more days to think about whether he wants to be with me ..

OP posts:
dazzlinghaze · 23/09/2019 22:44

@sittingunderthetree what an arse, after how he's behaved he should be worrying if you'll still want to be with him!

livefornaps · 23/09/2019 22:48

To be honest your description of the weekend sounded like one of the most shitty waste-of-time relationships i have ever heard of. You're well shot. Enjoy your weekends doing what you like from now on instead of that crap life.

helpconfused · 23/09/2019 23:01

Sounds as if he wasn't that into the relationship. Or his 3am getting home he wasn't actually where he said he was. Who goes out that late at night for a 'drink with their brother'? Esp when you have travelled to see him.
I agree with another poster, he was working up to this, cause an argument for a reason to get rid.
Please don't take him back. Why would someone wait to see if they are chosen??
I went on a date once and at the end the guy said 'shall we go out again, because I don't know if I like you or not. Then I should know.' BLOCKED

Halloumiwrap · 23/09/2019 23:03

It’s only been a few months, get out now! Yes you’ll feel sad but in a few days/weeks you will be relieved! Imagine still taking this shit in a few months or a few years. This will end badly and you now have the power to make sure he doesn’t waste anymore of your life. Move on now and you will one day look back and be grateful and proud of yourself. Stay strong.

category12 · 23/09/2019 23:09

Op, I know you're upset, but take a step back -
you can see that he's being wholly unreasonable, right? He's turned everything round on you.

This is a power play and it's not about what you said or did, it's about training you to shut the fuck up and do as he wants. He doesn't love you, he wants power over you.

Run far and fast. Stop being suckered.