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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a lot of men don’t initially want second families?

204 replies

Menandsecondfamilies · 22/09/2019 12:24

I’ve been wondering this for a while. Dh came in last night from seeing his oldest friend and frustratedly said ‘well that’s it, he’s giving in too!’ His friend is divorced with two children, started a new relationship with a woman and was super clear he wasn’t not interested in having any more so she needed to be ok with that. She agreed that it was fine. Since they married (again after much pushing from her) she has done nothing but vocalise her desperate need for her own children and a wish for their ‘own little family’. Friend has refused to ttc...until now. He’s told dh he feels complete with his existing dc and is only doing this for her (weak, cowardly, and plain wrong on lots of levels I know).

Thing is, this isn’t the first time I’ve heard this...probably not even the tenth. Dh’s brother did the same. Confessed to us he never wanted more children after his two with his ex, but knew his second wife would leave him if he didn’t have a baby with her.

I’ve known men at work openly discussing how they feel emotionally, financially and physically complete with their families and then sheepishly tell us when the next woman is pregnant.

My own closest male friend said he feels guilty every day for willingly having more children when in his mind, he doesn’t see his first enough, and now can’t contribute as much to their keep as he has extra responsibilities.

Is this just in my circle? I don’t know if all men have the same biological urges as women in terms of wanting a child with a partner to bond them, or desiring a set number of children etc.

Before I get flamed (which is probably inevitable anyway) I know not ALL men have second (or third or fourth) families out of duress!

OP posts:
bbciii · 22/09/2019 12:40

My DH (divorced with DC) made it clear from the start he'd love to have more children when we started dating so... 🤷🏼‍♀️

anothermansmother · 22/09/2019 12:46

I have 2 dc and have found the opposite, I don't want anymore children and am always clear about that from the start. Men usually agree at the start then start trying to change your mind once in a relationship. I often think men will tell you what they think you want to hear.

Lifeisabeach09 · 22/09/2019 12:52

It's a compromise, I suppose. Divorced husband wants newer (often, younger) wife to be happy (or wants to keep the peace!) It's something that must be factored in when re-marrying someone without children.
And, of course, people are able to change their minds re wanting kids or not.
Also, as men don't go through pregnancy, labour, and are less likely to be primary carer in the early years, the reasons for not having more children can be more fluid (worked around), I suppose.

SherbetSaucer · 22/09/2019 13:02

I think a lot of men don’t want first families. As a rule men don’t seem to be as keen for children and often withdraw when babies come along leaving the bulk of the work to the woman with their lives changing very little in comparison.

Not saying all guys but it’s something you commonly hear about, especially on here!

AnneLovesGilbert · 22/09/2019 13:07

My DH (divorced with DC) made it clear from the start he'd love to have more children when we started dating

Same here. Now we have one together and he’s a wonderful father to all of them and, shock horror, his DC are happy to have another sibling as well. Sure you won’t believe it OP but it’s true.

VladmirsPoutine · 22/09/2019 13:08

Yanbu. But on balance, and I know I am making a very very broad generalisation here; a lot of would-be second wives do want their "own little family" thus a man has to decided if on balance he'd rather be single put up with a few more dc given he probably won't be doing the bulk of child-rearing.

VladmirsPoutine · 22/09/2019 13:09

single or put up

ChilledBee · 22/09/2019 13:24

I have an autistic friend (adult woman, childfree) who has this knack for asking the uncomfortable questions. She once pointed out that when Sue (was childless, never married) got with a guy (divorced, 2DC) who was reluctant to have more kids, our little group said he was selfish and that she should take a stand, but when Jane got divorced and her ex did start a new family with someone in almost identical (financially, time period etc) circumstances, we said he was a pig for compromising his existing kids circumstances.

I think the truth is that Sue is our dear friend who deserves children with anyone she chooses, in our minds, and Jane's ex isn't our friend so we don't have the same level empathy for her and think she could find someone else who isn't our dear Jane's ex. The fact that Sue could do the same doesn't register.

I'm pretty sure that Sue's partner felt some pressure from her side (including our little friendship group) to have kids with her despite his reservations. I think we should all be conscious of how our bias works in this way.

I've another friend who we all inadvertently encouraged to get her and her husband into a lot of debt because we were hearing half the story and didn't understand she had a bit of a problem with spending. We thought her hubby was controlling/stingy/narrow minded and encouraged her to spend "her" money on things he seemingly disapproved of or didn't understand. It was her mother who eventually set us straight.

formerbabe · 22/09/2019 13:26

I'm sure you're right

howyoulikemenow · 22/09/2019 13:29

My ex had the snip, when I asked him before he had it if he would regret it should we ever divorce he said no, he absolutely doesn't want any more. Now we have split I know he wouldn't, the three we have wear us both out. I'd be inclined to agree, plus it's a LOT of financial pressure, especially if he has to pay maintenance then support the new family.

user1493413286 · 22/09/2019 13:33

You’ve really made me think; my DH has a child from a previous relationship and has always said he wants more children and I know other men who have been very keen to but equally I know some men who were really not keen and ended up doing it because they didn’t want to lose the women in their life. However I also know women who said they were done with having children and then had more because their new partner wanted a child.

EL8888 · 22/09/2019 13:36

I can see it from both sides. Personally I couldn’t be bothered with having a “2nd family”. But if wanted children and my partner had them from a previous relationship, then why should l have to compromise. Plus also EOW or whatever, put someone else’s children’s needs first

DontTouchTheMoustache · 22/09/2019 13:38

I have just started seeing someone who recently had the snip (like a few weeks ago). I asked him why out of curiosity and he said he has seen friends have issues when having 2 children to different mothers (for example if one of them moves away and he has to see one of his kids less). I get that and i respect him for taking responsibility.
I have 1 DC and unsure if i want more or not but i know that i need to decide before things get serious because i certainly wouldn't want to pressure him into having a child he doesnt want it would be wrong for everyone involved.

Spanglyprincess1 · 22/09/2019 13:40

My dp when we got together was the one who pushed for kids and he hass three from first relationship. I think your massively overgeneralising. There will always be a mix of wants more doesn't want any and doesn't mind. Same as there will be for people. When they first decide or not to have kids!,

bombomboobah · 22/09/2019 13:40

Many couples don't stay together until their children reach adulthood, we accept that we all have the right to leave a relationship which is dysfunctional or no longer working for us, however we haven't come up with good ways to deal with the implications of this, with the complications of blended families and second families.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 22/09/2019 13:44

Why aren't these men having vasectomies if they are so sure? Takes the option off the table.

RedSheep73 · 22/09/2019 13:44

Maybe all these men shouldn't be moving on to younger second wives with no kids!

Amber2019 · 22/09/2019 13:45

I'm the other way round. I was happy to never have anymore children, was happy with my one. Met a new partner, he definitely wanted a family so if I wanted to be with him then it was only fair I gave him that. I dont think theres anything wrong with that, we now have a wonderful little boy and I wouldn't have it any other way. I'd actually quite like another now.

Butchyrestingface · 22/09/2019 13:45

If they’re adamant they don’t want second families perhaps they should think twice about marrying a woman of child bearing age.

After all, most of those men will have presumably wanted a first family, so it’s a bit unrealistic to think that a woman who is, again presumably, happy to have children in her life and be a step mother to those children, will not at some point want to go through the pregnancy/babyhood experience herself, surely?

hsegfiugseskufh · 22/09/2019 13:46

Your dhs friends are telling your dh one thing and their wives another. Thats pretty clear i think.

Butchyrestingface · 22/09/2019 13:46

Why aren't these men having vasectomies if they are so sure? Takes the option off the table.

Also good option.

bombomboobah · 22/09/2019 13:47

Have a vasectomy??
But he might meet a really hot young babe and needs the prospect of a baby as leverage!

SidJamesLaugh · 22/09/2019 13:47

I got talked into it. Had no urge and my relationship has turned to shit ever since. I love my child but me and her mum and hanging on by a thread.

Juells · 22/09/2019 13:49

This is all from the men's point of view. The poor men, forced into having children. Well, don't marry a young woman of child-bearing age and not expect her biological imperative to kick in. Also, if the man is adamant he doesn't want more children he can always leave.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/09/2019 14:02

My ex had the snip, when I asked him before he had it if he would regret it should we ever divorce he said no, he absolutely doesn't want any more this is the point isn't it. If you're really sure then (man or woman) there are options. Some require merely sticking by your own wants and needs, and some remove the conversation completely. I wonder how many of them made it clear to the partners thry didn't want kids, or how many said oh we'll see I na few years, maybe etc.