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Original poster

To think a lot of men don’t initially want second families?

204 replies

Menandsecondfamilies · 22/09/2019 12:24

I’ve been wondering this for a while. Dh came in last night from seeing his oldest friend and frustratedly said ‘well that’s it, he’s giving in too!’ His friend is divorced with two children, started a new relationship with a woman and was super clear he wasn’t not interested in having any more so she needed to be ok with that. She agreed that it was fine. Since they married (again after much pushing from her) she has done nothing but vocalise her desperate need for her own children and a wish for their ‘own little family’. Friend has refused to ttc...until now. He’s told dh he feels complete with his existing dc and is only doing this for her (weak, cowardly, and plain wrong on lots of levels I know).

Thing is, this isn’t the first time I’ve heard this...probably not even the tenth. Dh’s brother did the same. Confessed to us he never wanted more children after his two with his ex, but knew his second wife would leave him if he didn’t have a baby with her.

I’ve known men at work openly discussing how they feel emotionally, financially and physically complete with their families and then sheepishly tell us when the next woman is pregnant.

My own closest male friend said he feels guilty every day for willingly having more children when in his mind, he doesn’t see his first enough, and now can’t contribute as much to their keep as he has extra responsibilities.

Is this just in my circle? I don’t know if all men have the same biological urges as women in terms of wanting a child with a partner to bond them, or desiring a set number of children etc.

Before I get flamed (which is probably inevitable anyway) I know not ALL men have second (or third or fourth) families out of duress!

OP posts:
OneForMeToo · 23/09/2019 13:43

Reminds me of my mother saying a women needs a man with a good job, a man who makes amazing love and a man who can cook and clean but these three men must never meet each other.

Thing is men tend to be able to jump relationship to relationship keeping the young sexy cleaner. Until she wants children then he might have one or two and then he moves onto another sexy cleaner. Then he gets too old or has far to many children to appeal to a new young and sexy so he settles for someone to nurse him though old age.

Rezie · 23/09/2019 13:50

So they have been honest from the start which is good. The women would have accepted it. I'm just baffled how they were "forced" into having kids. That can be avoided. I know it might be scary to lose the new wife bout isn't they bette than being bitter about becoming a dad again?

Fraggling · 23/09/2019 13:55

'I think the top reason men have children at all is that they're with women that want them.'

My dh was the broody one and I know loads of men who wanted kids and love the whole thing.

I think it's handy for some men to say men in general aren't interested as it means the woman has to do most of the work, and they can say she made him and he never wanted any and rusts why he left, if he wants out.

Procreation is much much more risky for women. If men didn't want kids, all over the world, genuinely, there'd be more contraceptive solutions for them, and way less children. And abortion would be legal everywhere, and free contraception too.

Lilena94 · 23/09/2019 13:57

I agree with a PP- a lot of men don’t even want first families! I think this is especially common amongst men in their 40s/50s/60s from my experience whereas I think men in their 20s/30s are way more interested.

bombomboobah · 23/09/2019 14:03

My sense is that women are increasingly reluctant to be 'sexy cleaners' so men who want to jump relationships are fresh out of luck

PeoplesPoet · 23/09/2019 14:07

I think a lot of men don’t want first families.

This. Many of them see it as "giving her a baby" every time.

ChilledBee · 23/09/2019 14:07

I think we also guilt men into making women mothers' because we see childfree/childless women as lacking femininity somehow. We insinuate that he can't really love her unless he is prepared to have a baby with her.

Anonmom1234 · 23/09/2019 14:25

It is all fine to say that those men should just divorce their new wife and it is all their choice.

Saying they should just not marry a younger wife reeks of envy and jealousy.

One point should be noted: if you pressure your partner to have children, especially after agreeing not to, you should not be surprised that your partner is not enthusiastic about sharing the work 50:50. In this case you take part of the blame and instead of complaining on here, which I think happens often, make better decisions next time.

itsallverywell · 23/09/2019 14:55

if you pressure your partner to have children, especially after agreeing not to, you should not be surprised that your partner is not enthusiastic about sharing the work 50:50. In this case you take part of the blame and instead of complaining on here, which I think happens often, make better decisions next time.

I agree

QueenofPain · 23/09/2019 15:00

All these poor downtrodden men do have the option about being upfront with their wishes and remaining steadfast in that. They could let these new partners move on with their lives and find someone who wants the babies they want, but ultimately these men are still actively choosing to have more children rather than end the relationship in good faith and honesty.

Durgasarrow · 23/09/2019 15:01

If someone wants a child-free lifestyle, they wouldn't want to marry a divorced dad. And if they're open to step-parenting, chances are, they're open to parenting as well. Most people do want their own children.

Drabarni · 23/09/2019 15:04

I think it's the guilt of fucking up the first family, that makes them not want a second family.
My amazement is the women who get with them and expect better than the first wife got, hilarious.

eeksville · 23/09/2019 15:05

If you get involved with someone under a certain age & without DC then there is a high chance they might want a child.
I remember having a discussion with a male colleague who had his kids fairly young about blended families. He was adamant that he would never have any more children, I said well you don't know until you're in that situation. He was resolute that he was too tired, over the baby yrs (his were 8 & 10), enjoying the extra money & most importantly thought it would upset his kids. He also didn't believe in marriage. He separated from his LT partner last yr & this yr got married & had a baby.

QueenofPain · 23/09/2019 15:05

Have a vasectomy??
But he might meet a really hot young babe and needs the prospect of a baby as leverage!

Hit the nail on the head there.
This thread is just more second wife/step mother bashing. Men are fecking adults like the rest of us, it’s about time they started speaking up and taking appropriate action instead of whining about it behind their new partners back.

hsegfiugseskufh · 23/09/2019 15:11

It's the guilt of fucking up the first family

Sorry, is it only men who "fuck up" relationships then?

Drabarni · 23/09/2019 15:14

Not always, but usually yes. Grin

ChilledBee · 23/09/2019 15:18

You get some guys who weren't hands on the first time around but then are with the second family. Others are the opposite way around.

hsegfiugseskufh · 23/09/2019 15:23

Usually?

Hmm. Ok. Hmm

All women are angels of course.

Drabarni · 23/09/2019 16:19

Of course all women aren't angels, but at 53 I've heard about far more men fucking their families over, than women.

hsegfiugseskufh · 23/09/2019 16:29

That makes it universally true, then.

Original poster
Menandsecondfamilies · 23/09/2019 16:29

@QueenofPain that’s my point, they’re NOT doing so!

OP posts:
MerryDeath · 23/09/2019 16:42

i can't speak for men but i can't imagine ever wanting a second family for SO many reasons

conderellainyellakissedafella · 23/09/2019 16:52

Lol sounds like she holds his balls in her purse o@Menandsecondfamilies 😂😂😂

Ferretyone · 23/09/2019 16:58

@SherbetSaucer

As a rule men don’t seem to be as keen for children and often withdraw when babies come

Too late?

Deadringer · 23/09/2019 17:25

I want to know why all these young women are settling for these aul lads who have been there and done that. I have no doubt that in many cases when the issue of DC comes up they string the younger woman along with 'maybes', and not 'sures'. We see plenty of it on the relationships board.

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