To think a lot of men don’t initially want second families?

[Menandsecondfamilies]

I’ve been wondering this for a while. Dh came in last night from seeing his oldest friend and frustratedly said ‘well that’s it, he’s giving in too!’ His friend is divorced with two children, started a new relationship with a woman and was super clear he wasn’t not interested in having any more so she needed to be ok with that. She agreed that it was fine. Since they married (again after much pushing from her) she has done nothing but vocalise her desperate need for her own children and a wish for their ‘own little family’. Friend has refused to ttc...until now. He’s told dh he feels complete with his existing dc and is only doing this for her (weak, cowardly, and plain wrong on lots of levels I know).

Thing is, this isn’t the first time I’ve heard this...probably not even the tenth. Dh’s brother did the same. Confessed to us he never wanted more children after his two with his ex, but knew his second wife would leave him if he didn’t have a baby with her.

I’ve known men at work openly discussing how they feel emotionally, financially and physically complete with their families and then sheepishly tell us when the next woman is pregnant.

My own closest male friend said he feels guilty every day for willingly having more children when in his mind, he doesn’t see his first enough, and now can’t contribute as much to their keep as he has extra responsibilities.

Is this just in my circle? I don’t know if all men have the same biological urges as women in terms of wanting a child with a partner to bond them, or desiring a set number of children etc.

Before I get flamed (which is probably inevitable anyway) I know not ALL men have second (or third or fourth) families out of duress!

I've known of many guys who haven't wanted children, at all, or more on top of what they already have (whether they're with the mother or not).

And several of them have been railroaded into it. Usually with the "yes dear, of course I'm on birth control" method.

My eldest is the much loved product of me not managing my own birth control properly. Her dad didn't want kids ever. It never worked between us but he and she have a close bond and we'd never wish her away.

I had one partner who wanted kids.

I wouldn’t want a second family.
I would t want a blended family and I wouldn’t want any step children if I were to divorce.

my eldest is the much loved product of me not managing my own birth control properly. Her dad did not want kids, ever and what was he doing to prevent a pregnancy, this man who did not want kids, ever.

No idea why any woman who is single and childfree would even want to be the second family with someone's baggage and get her kids involved with all these step and half-siblings and mess with his ex and whatnot. Gawd, have some standards.

It's funny how all these men who are adamant they want no more kids don't have vasectomies.

I think these men are a bit dumb and naive getting with women of child bearing age and expecting them to never want children of their own ever.

If I got with someone with no children whilst having my own, it honestly wouldn’t shock me if they changed their mind somewhere down the line.

That’s why people like your DH acting all shocked make me a bit A woman wants a baby. Yeah, really shocking that isn’t it?

Gawd, have some standards

How rude. Dp has a child from a previous relationship and no it hasnt been easy but its not because of anything hes done.

Why is someone moving on a surprise? Lots of men like women want children. Just because a first family broke down doesn't mean it was a man's faults or that they shouldn't choose to have another child.
I love my son but I didn't wreally ever want children. My dp did despite having three. He's happy now and loves our son who loves his half siblings.
Women choose to do this too, many have another child with a new partner. It's not unusual.
Love the mn double standards again.

I think some people like to portray a certain image but behind closed doors they are different. I certainly have never felt the need to divulge my reproductive intentions to colleagues and nosy family members which is notb. I came to this conclusion when it soon became clear when I got pregnant with dc2. I just told them what they wanted to hear knowing we always wanted a 3rd. People have so many opinions about whether you should/shouldn’t have children, and how many you should have, that’s it’s always easier to smile and nod and then ignore.

Perhaps these men feel judged for having children already and feel they have to say they don’t want more.

I have heard dh try to banter with his mates that he didn’t want to have 3 kids but I ‘made him’. I was sure to point out to everyone that in fact he had wanted six, but that is never happening. Apparently gushing about how you love babies and children to yiur man friends is not very ‘manly’.

But anyway men who don’t want children are quite capable of booking in for sterilisation.

I think these men all know what they are doing and Probably Are living the life they wanted.

I think the top reason men have children at all is that they're with women that want them.

This is a cultural thing. In many parts of the world men are very keen to have large families. DH grew up in Southern Europe and his family was rather pitied for years as he was an only child until 10 years old.

Have to say I find it weird that your colleagues are so openly talking about how many DCs they want and their plans for future DCs. And sorry but they are adults, they make choices, the women haven't tricked them into it. If anything you could say that if they've expected their new wife to be stepmum and play a parental role they've actually given her the experience of being a mother and perhaps ignited their interest in having one of their own. And let's be honest a huge number of men with DCs who remarry expect the new wife to be involved in childcare.

DP had one child from his marriage and wanted more children, I didn't have any and didn't want any, but hadn't taken the idea off the table.

Through an accident we ended up with DS and then I wanted another one.

We are not in the same financial position to be able to afford another one now, DP won't reduce his CM (nor should he) as he has rightly pointed out, we pay less for DSS then if he lived with us and to consider another child, we need to consider the fact that DSS may live with us at some point (doubt this will happen, but he knows he has the choice if he so wishes)

I can't say for all men, but DP takes DSS out by himself and then with both DSS and DS and there is no expectation from either DP or his ex that I am involved with childcare, I have been called on once in an emergency to collect DSS, that would be once in 9 years

"Why aren't these men having vasectomies if they are so sure? Takes the option off the table."

Because in this situation the 'new' DW pressures them to have a reversal which means twice as much surgery on their 'delicate' parts perhaps?

We never found out the sex of both my DDs and I come from a large family. Ideally as ExDh family is much smaller I really wanted 3. When DD2 was born he agreed we could try when she turned 2. However changed his mind. At 3 she started preschool giving me 3 days free whilst DD1 was at primary. He suddenly realised I was job hunting and having child free times and was desperate to get me pregnant. I started to enjoy my free time and wanted to go back to work first and then perhaps try once I qualify for maternity.

We split up by the end of DD2’s preschool year when I discovered his affair. He ended up with OW but couldn’t control her. Never saw his girls until almost 2 years later when DD2 was with him and broke her arm really badly that she needed an operation. Whilst we waited in the room together he told me OW was 3 months pregnant. I congratulated them and said good luck. Hope you enjoy your new baby as you never liked the baby phase. 30 mins later he told me he lied he just wanted to see my reaction as he knew how badly I wanted one.

OW ended up splitting up with him when she finally couldn’t stand his narcissistic and controlling behaviour and she wanted to go out and enjoy life as a 20 something should do. He used to take her keys off her to stop her from going out.

A month after they split he got with latest girlfriend. They treat my girls as second class citizens but brag on social media of their perfect family. Long story short she has changed so much from the bubbly cheery 24 year old I met 18 months ago. She is 14 years younger than him and told me he wanted kids before he is 40. She doesn’t want any yet. But again she’s not allowed to go out. She had to change her work to fit into his schedule giving her the same weekdays off and alternate Sundays. They are apparently trying for a baby. His family’s opinion is it’s only to make sure she doesn’t leave him as well. She has the sweetest family but just cannot open up her eyes to him. So all I say is good luck to them. I pity any babies he has after his treatment of our girls and not seeing them for 3 years but only do so now to proof to her family he is a family man. Even though he fights and appeals every CSA decision to avoid paying. It’s been 14 months of no payment. He also didn’t pay the first year.

If they’re adamant they don’t want second families perhaps they should think twice about marrying a woman of child bearing age. I think that if a man is up front from the beginning that they don’t want children then it is down to the woman to accept that or to move on. NOt to then expect to be able to change his mind somewhere down the track.

I have a friend who has been very honest from the outset of his relationships that he absolutely does not want kids ever. But he’s had relationships with women who have then decided a year or so in that they do want children and that he should be able to be persuaded. In every instance he has ended the relationships, and IMO the women have no right to be aggrieved at that because they knew his wishes from the outset.

I also think that a lot of women expect their children to take absolute precedence over any other children, and for someone who already has children that can be a hard reality to face. You only have to look at the step parenting boards to see the numbers of women who think that once they have their own baby the DSC should take a back seat. Even to the point they demand time for just their little family.

My DP doesn’t have children and has said to me that he would have loved to have a baby with me. From my perspective you couldn’t pay me to have another one and I have never wavered on this. I also wouldn’t want a relationship with someone who already had children, and am happy to accept that a man could choose not to enter into a relationship with me because I have children..

And to those who say that that narrows the field somewhat and that it’s unlikely you’ll meet people past a certain age without children, I’m ok with that. Would rather be single than having to compromise what I want for the sake of someone else.

DH has always wanted kids.
For years I didn't want any, we met young. He said he wouldn't leave me if we never had kids, but probably easy to say that at 25 than 45.
He changed my mind and we have 2 boys now and I'm so glad I listened to him.
He's always only ever wanted 2 and had the snip a week after DS2 was born.
Its easier contraceptive wise but I am happy knowing he can't have 5 little families if we ever broke up.
I definitely wouldn't have anymore, blended families complicates things (lots of step parents and half siblings from my childhood) and I don't want my boys to have to suffer for it.

Never mind men, I don't want a second family!

I'm single with DS and would only date a man who had DC already and didn't want any more.

A man can always have a reversal of their vasectomy. My ex did this. I've no idea how it worked but at 43 his partner gave birth to twins, he was 52 and had his vasectomy at 39.

He was adamant he wouldn't have anymore children.

I had one child with my ex, we'd planned none but were happy to become parents. We divorced after 15 years together and my ex went on to date a woman 22 years younger who had a 4yo already. He was adamant no more kids. One contraceptive pill failure later and he became a dad again at 52. He was apparently furious but eventually calmed down but not before he'd offered her some money to "go away". They're getting married now.

I know several women who have had a child or children with all three husbands and in each case, the new husband already had a previous child with first wife. So it's not just about a younger model. It's like some women simply have to have a child with every partner to prove something. That the new marriage and husband is as important as the first/second mistake?

Justcauserebel - could not agree with you more.

I also think that a lot of women expect their children to take absolute precedence over any other children, and for someone who already has children that can be a hard reality to face. You only have to look at the step parenting boards to see the numbers of women who think that once they have their own baby the DSC should take a back seat. Even to the point they demand time for just their little family

I actually find that in most cases this doesn't happen, and the "second family" children are actually like second class citizens. I think a lot of dads have massive guilt and therefore favour the children that don't live with them, and when they are there they get all the attention and the "new wife" is left holding the joint baby.

When you've been in that situation its really easy to understand why a woman would want quality time with her husband and child, considering the first family child or children get quality time with their dad on every contact visit and are often prioritised over the "new child"

I think this thread is just another way to slate women who choose to marry men with children.

Its all "she forced me into it" and "younger models" and so forth. Yack.

I think this thread is just another way to slate women who choose to marry men with children.

It's not. It's about men who adamantly say they don't want anymore children who go on to have more. There is a difference. Men cannot be let off about this.

Agree stuffedpeppers

Great post justcauserebel

men absolutely cannot be let off on it, but its clear they are because "theyre being pressured into it"

men do have brains, contrary to popular belief.

why is it so universally believed that its all the "new wife's" fault, and she wants kids and she forces him into doing it.

No, she doesn't. You cant force a man into having children.

I think that if a man is up front from the beginning that they don’t want children then it is down to the woman to accept that or to move on. NOt to then expect to be able to change his mind somewhere down the track.

This, absolutely.