To think a lot of men don’t initially want second families?

[Menandsecondfamilies]

I’ve been wondering this for a while. Dh came in last night from seeing his oldest friend and frustratedly said ‘well that’s it, he’s giving in too!’ His friend is divorced with two children, started a new relationship with a woman and was super clear he wasn’t not interested in having any more so she needed to be ok with that. She agreed that it was fine. Since they married (again after much pushing from her) she has done nothing but vocalise her desperate need for her own children and a wish for their ‘own little family’. Friend has refused to ttc...until now. He’s told dh he feels complete with his existing dc and is only doing this for her (weak, cowardly, and plain wrong on lots of levels I know).

Thing is, this isn’t the first time I’ve heard this...probably not even the tenth. Dh’s brother did the same. Confessed to us he never wanted more children after his two with his ex, but knew his second wife would leave him if he didn’t have a baby with her.

I’ve known men at work openly discussing how they feel emotionally, financially and physically complete with their families and then sheepishly tell us when the next woman is pregnant.

My own closest male friend said he feels guilty every day for willingly having more children when in his mind, he doesn’t see his first enough, and now can’t contribute as much to their keep as he has extra responsibilities.

Is this just in my circle? I don’t know if all men have the same biological urges as women in terms of wanting a child with a partner to bond them, or desiring a set number of children etc.

Before I get flamed (which is probably inevitable anyway) I know not ALL men have second (or third or fourth) families out of duress!

New neighbours. He's on his second marriage. His kids from the first are all grown up and having children of their own. He's expecting his second baby with his wife (who is younger than his kids from the first family).
We pity him. He is 61 !

We pity him. He is 61 !

Why? He married someone younger than his own kids. What did he think she was going to do with her leisure time - devote it to fetching his pipe and slippers?

Pity? Why?

Has he lost all agency?

@roisinagusniamh
I know the woman from a couple like this. He’s about that age even and they’re contemplating ivf for a second time. His children are all adults. She also had a child from a previous marriage, who died. He didn’t go into this with his eyes closed. They met through work. Both highly regarded in their field. Things aren’t always what they seem and she is adamant she will be fine if he dies and she was very upfront she wanted another child when they met.

I have also seen the other way round, where the women thinks she should give each new man a child only to realise this isn’t the guy she is destined to be with. If you are particularly fertile, it is easy to see how you could quickly have 3 kids with 3 fathers in this way.

Maybe all these men shouldn't be moving on to younger second wives with no kids!

Bingo. A lot of men just want a concubine / nanny. Hard lines - you can’t have your cake and eat it.

We pity him. He is 61 !
Why??
He's 62, a grown up. Old enough to have had the snip of he wanted to date / sleep around without risk of babies. Old enough to tell a new serious relationship that he's not having kids again. Old enough to understand that means he might not be able to date young, childless women. Old enough to decide actually he is happy to father more children. He's not presumably a senile old man who's being taken advantage of by a manipulative younger woman and forced to father her children

Agree with others, it’s very easy for the man to say if he already has his DC but you can’t be surprised when another woman wants them too. That said, either one party compromises (depending on how strongly they feel about the issue) or it ends, I guess. But no right or wrong, it would be a tough one for both parties and it’s a huge decision either way.

He's expecting his second baby with his wife (who is younger than his kids from the first family).We pity him. He is 61
his strategy is to move her into maternal caring mode by having a child with her, then while she's in that mode as the child needs less maternal input his needs will replace those of the child and she'll become his nurse.

If I was that young woman no fucking way would I want my fresh young eggs fertilised by rancid old man sperm!!
Why waste your fertility on an old man??

I pity this new neighbour because he appears to be exhausted with the baby they already have.
I don't know the ins and outs of it though, perhaps most people of his age would love a second family instead of looking forward to retirement.

Agree Bomb

"If I was that young woman no fucking way would I want my fresh young eggs fertilised by rancid old man sperm!!"

Ffs I'm trying to eat.

My brother is divorced with children from 18-24. He doesn’t really want anymore. His current fiancé has no children. If they have any we know it will be because my brother gave in.
I think it’s a little unfair if he made it clear from the outset

It’s always going to depend on the couple. I.e whether both have kids is going to be a massive factor. Another I would say is whether they both feel confident enough in their relationship to remain a childless couple and feel blessed with what they already have.

It's stupid to expect younger women to agree to never have kids because the man has already got some.
I wouldnt date a man with children. It would be better for young women not to get in relationships with men who've already abandoned one family.

Plenty of women who don’t want any more children who end up giving into a man to have more as he wants to have children of his own.

Plenty of men who just ended up with their first wives and didn’t really want children but just fell into it and decided when they were in a much better relationship subsequently that they wanted more children with that person after all.

Plenty of men willingly decide to have more children as this is generally necessary for them to get a younger better looking wife than they might get if they were honest they definitely weren’t having any more children.

Plenty of men are just idiots who don’t really think too much at all.

People make all sorts of compromises in a relationship and ultimately everything is trade. As pp have pointed out, a man who is sure he doesn’t want any more children can have a vasectomy.

My brother is divorced with children from 18-24. He doesn’t really want anymore.

Then he shouldn’t have anymore.

His current fiancé has no children. If they have any we know it will be because my brother gave in.

And that will be his choice won’t it? He’s old enough to have adult children, he knows how babies are made. Why isn’t he getting a vasectomy if he’s so sure?

Oh I also know of men who have had vasectomies and their zealous second wives are out there researching reversals, with their dhs showing weak enthusiasm at best.

Oh the poor menz.

They could just say "no."

There are two men I know well who were adamant they didn't want children throughout their first marriages or long-term settled relationships, then immediately jumped into parenthood with their younger second wife/partner. I've heard of many more cases of women who were with men they thought they loved for years, who were "not ready" for children or marriage. When their relationships broke down, the supposedly commitment-phobic and childfree men got together with usually younger women very quickly, married and had children.

Men have also said they don’t want any children with current wives/partners, only to go on to have Children with other partners. This has happened to a neighbor. She was w her husband for 10’years and he didn’t want kids. At 40 he left her for a younger partner and had kids w her. I also read and article about one lady who wanted kids and her current partner said he absolutely did not want kids. This was at 40 and she left him in the hopes to have kids. Lucky for her she met someone soon after and had a child at 42. She later heard that her ex went on to marry and have 2 kids w someone else! I think men say one thing, but depending on circumstances they can change their minds, especially if they meet the right person.

My dh said we were not ready for a dog. We aren’t getting a dog. I went ahead and put our names on the list to get a dog, dog came along, my husband agrees to take a look. 1.5 years later dh is smitten with that very dog. He now can’t imagine life w out the dog.

My dp is the one wanting us to have a baby. Both been married with kids before.

I dont want anymore and wont be talked in to it.

Yes - I don’t know how widespread it is, but I certainly know or know of of at least 3 men who traded their wives in for younger models, then were surprised when the younger models wanted to have children of their own.

zealous second wives

Jesus OP. You’ve got some axe to grind.

Those poor poor men being bullied into having babies with evil harpies who trapped them into marriage then trying to steal their sperm. It shouldn’t be legal.

I’m more amazed when it’s the other way round when a woman who’ve had a first set of children in her 20s is prepared to have a second set with a new dp in her late 30s/40s

Didn’t Gary Lineker refuse to have a baby with his second wife and they split up and she now has one with a new dp. Perhaps the older partner fears this scenario so gives in to younger dp