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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a lot of men don’t initially want second families?

204 replies

Menandsecondfamilies · 22/09/2019 12:24

I’ve been wondering this for a while. Dh came in last night from seeing his oldest friend and frustratedly said ‘well that’s it, he’s giving in too!’ His friend is divorced with two children, started a new relationship with a woman and was super clear he wasn’t not interested in having any more so she needed to be ok with that. She agreed that it was fine. Since they married (again after much pushing from her) she has done nothing but vocalise her desperate need for her own children and a wish for their ‘own little family’. Friend has refused to ttc...until now. He’s told dh he feels complete with his existing dc and is only doing this for her (weak, cowardly, and plain wrong on lots of levels I know).

Thing is, this isn’t the first time I’ve heard this...probably not even the tenth. Dh’s brother did the same. Confessed to us he never wanted more children after his two with his ex, but knew his second wife would leave him if he didn’t have a baby with her.

I’ve known men at work openly discussing how they feel emotionally, financially and physically complete with their families and then sheepishly tell us when the next woman is pregnant.

My own closest male friend said he feels guilty every day for willingly having more children when in his mind, he doesn’t see his first enough, and now can’t contribute as much to their keep as he has extra responsibilities.

Is this just in my circle? I don’t know if all men have the same biological urges as women in terms of wanting a child with a partner to bond them, or desiring a set number of children etc.

Before I get flamed (which is probably inevitable anyway) I know not ALL men have second (or third or fourth) families out of duress!

OP posts:
Cecilandsnail · 24/09/2019 21:33

I also think that men, if dating a younger woman with no DC in particular have to be open to it if they want to be in that relationship. Not true of every childfree younger woman obviously, but that seems to be the overriding pattern of men having second families when they would prefer not to. It's a choice they frequently make.

MsTSwift · 24/09/2019 21:37

Where did I say all second marriages are like that? Chill out - obviously touching a nerve with you. Anecdotally dh has recently met a group of older men who have left wives for younger models then whine to their male friends that their new wives want babies. Dh was pretty horrified tbh and didn’t cycle with them again!

hsegfiugseskufh · 24/09/2019 21:41

obviously touching a nerve with you

Nope. Dp isnt in his 50s nor is he a cyclist.

We both wanted a child. No forcing from me.

You seem very judgemental about something that has no effect on your life.

Bizarre.

MsTSwift · 24/09/2019 21:45

Well I’m not meaning you am I. Weird!

Original poster
Menandsecondfamilies · 25/09/2019 00:09

@holidayhelpppp I find you the bizarre one....your experience is your experience, good for you! Lots of the rest of us are pointing out we know of situations that are not the same as yours. Defensive much!

OP posts:
hsegfiugseskufh · 25/09/2019 09:04

no, you're pointing out what you think you know. What you are being told by one half of a partnership.

You do realise that what your dh's "friends" are telling him, will be entirely different than what they're telling their wives?

you do realise that some men will tell their friends things about their wives that are exaggerated or simply not true?

why are you so concerned? its not your husband running off with a "younger model" is it?

i'm not defensive because my situation isn't anything like the one you describe, i'm just pointing out what you've been told is likely bullshit.

And you and your husband need to learn to mind your own business.

Original poster
Menandsecondfamilies · 25/09/2019 10:58

@holidayhelpppp Grin I’ve actually heard these men telling their wives ‘nope, no more for me!’ And the women merrily saying ‘we’ll see!’ So nope, not bullshit.

Also, it’s not not minding your own business if people freely tell you things.

OP posts:
hsegfiugseskufh · 25/09/2019 11:02

but in the end, men they are changing their minds. You cannot be forced, as a man, to have a child. You just cant.

But again, why are you so bothered? what difference does it make to your life, what your dh "friends" do?

RhinoskinhaveI · 25/09/2019 11:23

Holiday, you seem to have gotten out of the bossy headmistress side of the bed this morning!
Finger wagging much eh🙄

hsegfiugseskufh · 25/09/2019 11:26

rhino bossy?

im not wagging my finger at anyone I just find it a bit weird and judgemental to be so concerned over whether your friends have further children.

Abraid2 · 25/09/2019 11:29

A close family member had his vasectomy reversed to have a child with his second wife. They’d actually broken up before because he said he didn’t want any more children, having two from a first marriage. They then had to have very complex fertility treatment.

RhinoskinhaveI · 25/09/2019 11:33

In that case holiday why are you spending time on a thread where people are discussing this issue in great detail?
Maybe you'll be happy on a thread where people talk about how it's better to mind your own business?

hsegfiugseskufh · 25/09/2019 11:36

oh god rhino what is your problem?

RhinoskinhaveI · 25/09/2019 11:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

hsegfiugseskufh · 25/09/2019 11:42

why do I need to learn to wind my neck in?

because I have a different opinion? I genuinely want to know why OP is so bothered what her friends do?

am I not allowed to ask questions?

you seem angry.

stucknoue · 25/09/2019 11:45

My experience is the opposite, despite me saying that I have grown kids and probably can't have more even if I wanted to, the men I've met seem to expect me to try at least, this is a conversation after a couple of dates! Late 40's men seem to want to be dad's ime

RhinoskinhaveI · 25/09/2019 11:47

Only teasing Holiday 😘
have a nice day 😊

hsegfiugseskufh · 25/09/2019 11:52
Confused
Ahundredpercentthatbitch · 25/09/2019 11:59

Every family situation is so unique though. You never really know the dynamics.

I’m a ‘second wife’. DH’s first wife left him when their only child was 2 years old. When I met DH he was very up front about wanting more children and we now have two DCs together.

But we were relatively young when we met (early thirties). I see a few older mums in their mid-forties at my daughter’s school - they’re second wives and will have three or four teenage step children and then their own 5 year old with their husband, who’s usually well into his 50s at this point.

DianneWhatcock · 25/09/2019 12:02

I think this thread is quite women hating / blaming, not nice at all

If anything, from what I have seen, its the men who want to have a baby (and usually quickly) when they get with a woman who already has dc from an ex/s, almost like they want to stake their claim

RhinoskinhaveI · 25/09/2019 12:05

I agree, there is some kind of primal territory marking thing going on isn't there!

DianneWhatcock · 25/09/2019 12:15

yes @rhinoskinhaveI deffo

Ahundredpercentthatbitch · 25/09/2019 12:35

Ha yes a territorial pissing. Locks it down doesn’t it?

RhinoskinhaveI · 25/09/2019 12:48

I'm not suggesting that this is a deliberate conscious thing (at least in the case of most men) rather that it is an expression of the internal drive to dominate.
It's in line with the territorial behaviour of other species....the male lion 'seduces' a new female by killing all her cubs so as to bring her into oestrus so that and he can then impregnate her himself

DianneWhatcock · 25/09/2019 12:48

"territorial pissing" hahahaha :D