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AIBU?

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Original poster

To expect that money when you're married should be shared?

186 replies

Rosieposey25 · 20/09/2019 21:40

Hi,

New poster but long time lurker. Just wanted peoples opinions on my situation really. Have been with my DH for 20 years, married for 11. Have 2 DC both under 10. Please bear with me, it's a long one!

Right up until we had children DH and I both earned roughly the same salary and we both put the same amount into a joint account to pay the bills etc and the rest was ours to do with as we pleased.

DH has never been particularly generous with money, especially when it came to Christmas/birthdays. I am the exact opposite and would give anyone my last pound. It's just how he is and I've always accepted it of him. He is a good person in all other respects.

HOWEVER, since we had children our finances have continued to be completely separate. I have pretty much always worked (although p/t after DC arrived) but mainly in low paid admin jobs as my career opportunities were very limited where we live as usually the role I trained for has to be f/t.

Also he started a new career where he could be anywhere in the world at short notice and childcare is limited where we live and we have no family help so I had to be available for 99% of the child rearing duties.

As such I have earned a lot less each month than I was before. DH decided therefore that he would pay the mortgage/bills/etc... and that I would be responsible for buying all the food/my petrol/kids stuff/birthday presents etc.... and anything else I might need.

As such I have to think carefully about every purchase I make. I have not had my hair cut in 2 years, I never buy myself anything - to the point where a friend told me that I do not look like a person who lives in the type of house I do as I wear the same things all the time (i literally have 1 pair of jeans from Sainsbury's that are almost threadbare).

DH earns good money, I know he also has quite a lot stashed away in another account.
He does not hesitate to buy himself anything he wants.

AIBU to think this is really unfair. I feel like I have facilitated his career by keeping everything running at home and working p/t on top of that. He acts like I'm a gold digger after 'his' hard earned money when I would never class myself as materialistic - I only want my hair done occasionally and more than one pair of holy jeans!!

I have tried talking to him about it and he just says 'that's how it is' and that's the end of it.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 20/09/2019 21:48

He's a dick.

Honestly i don't think i could be with someone who was like this, the fact that HE decided what he would concede to financing, that HE decided that it didn't matter if you were struggling.

I'd work out what you'd get in maintenance and benefits as a single Mom

SleepingStandingUp · 20/09/2019 21:49

Out of interest what kind of food do you buy - can you make a point by downgrading it, specifically when he's home. So real basics foods (the kids will cope, shop normally for lunch and when he's away)

Brexitstash · 20/09/2019 21:51

He's financially abusive. LTB

Heartofglass12345 · 20/09/2019 21:52

I agree with you, it should be shared. After I had our 2nd child I didn't go back to work as we moved away and had no help with childcare. My husband always refers to money as 'our money' and tells me off if he finds out I've missed out on things due to worrying about money. He sells stuff on eBay and the money goes directly into my bank account, and if I need more he will pay it in from his account.

Would he share child care if you went back to how you were before? If not then he needs to have a look at himself. It's not fair, you're supposed to be a partnership.
Even before we had kids, I earned pretty good money but had no savings and he did (he stayed at home for a lot longer than me and saved whereas I moved out and rented), he never thought twice about paying for things for both of us etc if it was needed. Maybe I'm just lucky.

blueshoes · 20/09/2019 21:52

You could potentially get more from him if you divorce. Time to consult a divorce lawyer to see where you stand?

Is he self-employed or is he PAYE?

bestbefore · 20/09/2019 21:53

That's utterly crap: we have separate finances and I earn loads less than my DH. He technically pays for most bills etc and I have money to spend without question on myself and the kids as needed. We consult over more major items etc but my DH knows it's an equal thing and the money is family money whatever account it's in.

I don't know much about it but you need to look up financial control or abuse because that's what's happening to you.

Be strong

Notcool1984 · 20/09/2019 21:53

What a horrible man! Of course the money should be shared equally, you are enabling him to work in his chosen career while sacrificing yours. How selfish of him!

justthecat · 20/09/2019 21:54

I agree with sleeping up, cut his luxuries at home YOU can’t afford it, make his meals as cheap as you can, What a twat

littlepeas · 20/09/2019 21:54

Financial abuse. I haven’t earned a penny since having our first dc 11 years ago (just getting back to work now) - I have full access to a joint account and can spend as I wish. That is how it should be OP. You’d probably get more from him if you divorced.

Babooshkar · 20/09/2019 21:57

What an absolute w*nker! Why are you with him? Why isn’t he ashamed that his wife is walking around in threadbare clothing?! What an absolute arsehole! Please get away from him.

newmefor2020 · 20/09/2019 21:57

What a terribly selfish man. This is awful OP Sad

GreenTulips · 20/09/2019 21:58

DH would pay over £1000 into my account so that covered food and petrol plus kids clubs etc

He needs to step up

cookingonwine · 20/09/2019 21:59

Definitely stop buying him any treats and make him cheap meals. Grrr

RandomMess · 20/09/2019 21:59

We always looked resources regardless of who earned them we have kids whoever does the childcare and housework is enabling the other one to work.

Millymollymandybestie · 20/09/2019 22:00

Yep another one for our money. Tbh I’ve always been quite a firm believer un joint accounts which I think us becoming less common in our generation. But I can’t why you wouldn’t if your married have children - tlyou have agreed to spend your life together so what’s mine is yours and yours is mine. I find it really strange when married couples owe each other money.

Socksey · 20/09/2019 22:00

Just tell him you're going back to work full time and from now on all childcare is his responsibility, as it has been yours for the last 10 years.... once you're back full time, he can be the emergency contact for all child related stuff and deal with all holidays etc....

Hooferdoofer37 · 20/09/2019 22:00

Explain to him that if you divorce, you will get half of the house, his pension and all the savings because legally half is yours (minimum).

Also explain how much of a struggle he's going to find doing his job whe he has to do 50% childcare, plus all the cooking, cleaning and life admin that comes with that.

MsVestibule · 20/09/2019 22:03

he just says 'that's how it is' and that's the end of it.

I struggle to believe he's good in all other respects - this is not the way a 'good' man speaks to his wife.

FWIW, our setup is similar - we started off on a similar salary, my career took the hit while his has continued to grow, partly as a result of me being a SAHM for a while and now working PT in a low paid admin role.

However, the difference is that he recognises the financial sacrifices I've made to benefit the family and therefore all income is joint - we have equal 'spends' and an equal say over how money is spent.

I hate to sound dramatic but I just couldn't stay with somebody who spoke to me with such little respect.

What are you going to do about it?

Original poster
Rosieposey25 · 20/09/2019 22:04

I'm a crap cook but buy meat from the butchers and then the rest from Tesco's. I spend a fair bit on petrol as I do a lot of driving to and from work and to and from school (easily 1:40 hours a day)

Birthday presents seem to cost me a fortune as our DC have recently moved schools so I wanted them to go to as many parties as possible to help inter grate into their new social set! Plus I have to buy for mine/his family too (I love his family so would never subject them to his present buying!)

TBF to him, if we eat out he'll pay or if something goes wrong with my car he'll have it fixed, along with servicing and taxing it.

It's just the few people I've confided in about this have thought it really weird. It always puts me in a bit of an awkward social situation as lots of our social group are very financially comfortable and I have to always think hard before agreeing to attend something on my own with the DC as I will be responsible for paying for it.

Not to mention I pay for the majority of school holiday activities with the DC as he's always conveniently away on those dates!

OP posts:
KellyHall · 20/09/2019 22:05

He is being totally unreasonable. What a selfish twat.

Until you can resolve the issue/stage an unfortunate accident for your 'd'(?)h, give the dc some beans on toast for a few days and head to a charity shop in an affluent area for some quality, cheap new clothes for yourself. You need to be able to hold your head high, you're doing the hardest job of all - being a parent.

SallyLovesCheese · 20/09/2019 22:06

I'm the breadwinner in our household and have always paid the rent/mortgage and majority of bills, DH contributes what he can but prioritises his car insurance and phone bills.
Any money I earn is ours and DH is basically a SAHD but saving us money on childcare.

OP, I would be very wary of someone who has seen you raise the children but holds no value in that and will happily see you go without. I know it's not as easy as LTB but he is willing for you to essentially be poor while he lives a life of luxury and won't engage. If you separated at least he'd have to pay child maintenance (unless he's one of these devious men who hide their earnings to pay next to nothing).

WhoKnewBeefStew · 20/09/2019 22:08

He sounds awful OP, I don't know if it's financial abuse or him just being a selfish twat. Either way he's not being very nice, if you love someone you don't want to see them go without. Or have to wear the same pair of jeans or not be able afford a hair cut. I know my dh would never see me go without, if anything he'd go without to treat me

WineGummyBear · 20/09/2019 22:10

He's financially abusive.

Your part-time hours have facilitated his high-paid career. And that's how a court would see it in the event of a divorce.

What kind of a person spends freely on themselves while their wife & children scrimp and save?

Llamalovestheweekend · 20/09/2019 22:12

this is why i left my marriage it's financial abuse

PurpleWithRed · 20/09/2019 22:14

You are married. There’s a bit in your vows that says something like “all that I have I share with you”. He’s breaking his marriage vows.

XDH was financially abusive like this - another aspect of his control freakery.

You would very likely be much better off divorced.

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