To expect that money when you're married should be shared?

[Rosieposey25]

Hi,

New poster but long time lurker. Just wanted peoples opinions on my situation really. Have been with my DH for 20 years, married for 11. Have 2 DC both under 10. Please bear with me, it's a long one!

Right up until we had children DH and I both earned roughly the same salary and we both put the same amount into a joint account to pay the bills etc and the rest was ours to do with as we pleased.

DH has never been particularly generous with money, especially when it came to Christmas/birthdays. I am the exact opposite and would give anyone my last pound. It's just how he is and I've always accepted it of him. He is a good person in all other respects.

HOWEVER, since we had children our finances have continued to be completely separate. I have pretty much always worked (although p/t after DC arrived) but mainly in low paid admin jobs as my career opportunities were very limited where we live as usually the role I trained for has to be f/t.

Also he started a new career where he could be anywhere in the world at short notice and childcare is limited where we live and we have no family help so I had to be available for 99% of the child rearing duties.

As such I have earned a lot less each month than I was before. DH decided therefore that he would pay the mortgage/bills/etc... and that I would be responsible for buying all the food/my petrol/kids stuff/birthday presents etc.... and anything else I might need.

As such I have to think carefully about every purchase I make. I have not had my hair cut in 2 years, I never buy myself anything - to the point where a friend told me that I do not look like a person who lives in the type of house I do as I wear the same things all the time (i literally have 1 pair of jeans from Sainsbury's that are almost threadbare).

DH earns good money, I know he also has quite a lot stashed away in another account.
He does not hesitate to buy himself anything he wants.

AIBU to think this is really unfair. I feel like I have facilitated his career by keeping everything running at home and working p/t on top of that. He acts like I'm a gold digger after 'his' hard earned money when I would never class myself as materialistic - I only want my hair done occasionally and more than one pair of holy jeans!!

I have tried talking to him about it and he just says 'that's how it is' and that's the end of it.

Thoughts?

What horrible man-I feel so sorry for you.

I guess now you are F/T you ask to sit down and go through finances and budget.

All the family expenses are drawn up and you pay the percentage according to your earnings. You need to put in proper food budget, for a cleaner, DC uniform, clothes, activities, holiday childcare, everything.

His reaction to this will tell you everything...

I thought be was entirely unreasonable before your update! I'm disgusted that he expects you to pay half the school fees- that's clearly not affordable with your current financial setup.

But that he left you & the DC with no money & bought 3 things at the supermarket!? That's unacceptable.

For the marriage to confine you both need to sit down and contract Duty each other on finances & acceptable behaviour .

OP I think you know this pretty extreme.

But what's your DH like,? Its slightly different imho if he is tight with money with himself , also wearing same threadbare jeans, happy to live on beans on toast and saving loads/prioritising affording school fees. There are plenty on mnet who love to be thrifty and hate spending but its only ok if you are both on sane page, not if hes imposing it on you while walking around buying himself the latest gadgets & designer gear.

Hve you had an open conversation about what standard of living you both expect, and talked through your budget together?

When I lived with exdp, father of my youngest son, not my eldest, I earned 3x’s the amount he did, it went into a joint account along with his wages, and it became our money.

Sorry OP but you need to grow a pair, know your worth in the relationship.

You can get a 1000 reply here but no one can help you if you don't help yourself.

Stop being a wet blanket.

I'm glad you were able to talk openly with a friend as I think as noble as it is to try not to let this impact the DC, you're actually helping hide his dirty little secret that his wife struggles for basics. Keep being open about how hard things are because surely if he genuinely believes he's in the right then no need to hide it? He's got some cheek IMO and the refusal to discuss it is not on. He knows what he's doing and is being quite deliberate or he would be mortified at leaving you all with no food. As always I would recommend the good old lundy bancroft book 'why does he do that.

Fuck that shit OP. Sit him down and tell him brutally that he is being financially abusive.

You need to do that first and see what his reaction is. That will tell you everything you need to know. Things either change or you ltb. And take half of everything, plus CMS.

And if you have access to the account why the fuck are you eating beans on toast? I would have done an online shop and told him I had done an online shop and why.

Why on earth have you agreed to pay half of presumably private school fees in this situation?
Re leaving you & the DC with no cash & just tins of beans & bread/ butter for 4 days are not the actions of a loving father & husband.

This. Definitely sounds like financial abuse. And he can't just dictate and tell you "that's how things are", just as you aren't doing that, you're supposed to be a partnership.

We put all of our salaries in the joint account for all expenses & savings, and keep back a small equal amount of fun money each every month. That feels like the fairest way to do it.

I couldn't be with someone who did what your husband does, not in a million years. You need to put your foot down. Show him this thread, even!

The beans incident would probably be the last straw for me. It all shows you how he really regards you and the children.

This thread is so sad, it’s obvious you work hard to support your family and your contribution is being exploited. I’ve been there myself and I know how humiliating it is to have to wear clothes with holes in and be desperate for a haircut (or just a bit of pampering) and to have to go without. Day after day, month after month. It’s soul destroying.

This is financial abuse, plain and simple. Your husband is controlling you by exploiting a power imbalance with the family finances. If you have not already done so, I suggest you read around the subject of financial/economic abuse which is a form of coercive control.

Your husband also ticks another box for me in terms of abusive behaviour: stonewalling. By refusing to engage in a reasonable discussion about perfectly legitimate issues that are upsetting you. That in itself is emotionally abusive.

Your fears about his reaction when you (quite rightly) need money from him to support the family, is very telling. Has he ever shouted, guilt-tripped or intimidated you when the subject of money has come up in the past?

You are a grown woman, his wife and the mother of his children. How dare he treat you this way.

This is really awful.

I think you should look at what your full time wage will bring in, work out a budget which includes clothes and personal care money for yourself and ringfence that portion with all your might.
Do not pay half the school fees- he's said he can't afford them - say you've looked at your budget and neither can you.
I know you've said you don't want to take the kids out of private school but can't you see that your husband is blackmailing you to get even more money off you whilst you live in poverty?
Beans, bread and butter indeed!

Its financial abuse. I'm a sahm and I have full access to a joint account. I can buy clothes if I need to. I would stop with the presents for family and only buy for your children. Tell the family that you can't afford presents for xmas, because your husband keeps his money separate from yours. So no presents please. Stop buying your husband wine and treats. Show him you dont have much money. For the kids friends birthday parties, buy a box set of books from the book people and split then up. It's cheaper that way. Buy yourself some new clothes and get a haircut.

This is absolutely horrendous. He went and bought bread and beans and then left for four days

OP, if you get divorced you will be entitled to a fair share of the assets and he will have to pay maintenance. I think you should go and see a lawyer now.

Just because he has never shouted at you or physically abused you, doesn't mean that he isn't abusing you @Rosieposey25. He is. This is horribly abusive. You are a good person and a good mother. He doesn't respect you and tbh he clearly doesn't like you. The beans on toast thing shows this. Listen to what people in real life or here are saying. Really listen, because unless you put your foot down and point blank refuse to carry on with this abusive arrangements, things won't get better. Valuable yourself more than he values you. As your children grow older they will see thing, no matter how hard you try to make it okay. Would you really want your girls to think this is the blueprint for marriage? Would you want your sons to treat their spouses like this?

I told my DH about this thread, he just responded with "that's abusive".

All our money goes into one pot. We then pay all the bills out of that pot. We have decided on an amount we can eac have to spend on whatever we want. Regardless of what we each earn, that amount of money is the same. We're a team.

Your DH is a disgrace and should be ashamed of himself. If I were you I would seriously be considering my future...

This is awful behaviour in his part. You are absolutely not being unreasonable. You are facilitating his career by stalling yours. You need to talk to him

The bread and beans would have been the final straw for me. What kind of selfish twat does that?

I don't think private school is affordable if you had to spend half the week eating beans on toast.

In Scotland it's against the law not to allow someone access to the family money which is what his wages are. He is, in the eyes of the law, a financial abuser. But more than that think hard about what his financial control actually means. It means you can't buy nice clothes or get nice haircuts which means he doesn't need to worry about you making yourself too attractive, especially if he's away. It means that he chooses what you attend in Terms of big nights out and concerts etc as he would need to provide childcare as you couldn't afford to go. It means you can't go away for the night or weekend with friends because you can't afford to. He's not a delightful man. He's controlling every area of your life and you haven't realised he's doing it. Do you have hobbies? See friends? Go on girlie weekends away? Do you look and smell the way you want to? I'll bet he does. And I'll bet you don't. You're trapped and you can feel it start to weigh you down which is why you're asking about it here. But let me point out the extent of it. And I'll bet if you look hard there are other things where he's controlling you- friends you have that he doesn't like- events he doesn't want to go to so has organised to be away. I've lived like this and I had no job and no support network and no money. I had two small kids. Leaving my husband was the hardest thing I've ever done because I loved him and it wanted to have a happy family. But I was being suffocated. I don't usually say this but you have to LTB. What happened if you had to stop working all together? He'd give you an allowance, like a child, like my ex did. I got £300 a month for 10 years to feed and clothe myself and the kids. To socialise, buy haircuts, go out, for petrol, everything. I only bought clothes on eBay and reduced food in the supermarket whilst he wandered about in hand made shoes and lovely clothes. I was humiliated and skint and hurt. It's not a life.

I don’t think money should be shared once you’re married but I do think that once you have kids and one of your careers takes a hit then it should.

You've drawn the short straw on all counts here.
DH earns six times what I earn so puts six times what I do into the joint account. Your DH attitude stinks. Ask him how he'll manage his high flying job juggling 24/7 care of the DC his half of the week if you split over this.

Of course it should be shared. My dh gets paid monthly and his wages pay the mortgage and bills. I get paid weekly and we live on that. Essentially it all goes into the same pot. Anything left we save. I've just increased my hours at work and dh has just got a small promotion. We can now save more of his wages and have more 'free' money to spend a week from mine which we split 50/50. I recently had a ppi payout - we shared it even though it was from before I met him. He had a small inheritance a couple of years back - we shared it even though it was technically his. The only thing I wouldn't share is birthday/Christmas money

You can't go on like this.
Leaving you with just beans while he went away? That's just plain nasty. It doesn't matter if he got the hump because you bought petrol or medicine- it matters that he got the hump about you buying things you need.

This isn't right. FWIW, for the last 40 years we have just had "the money" - during that time I have worked full time, been a sahm, worked part time, but never brought in as much DH. We both know how much there is after expenses, and no one just eats beans or goes without.

Use the time while he is away for a bit of research. Find out all the financial information you can, bank statements, insurance, savings the lot. Keep it safe and secret while you decide what to do.

You can't go on like this.

I’m so sad reading this. As almost everyone has said it is financial abuse (I’m a lawyer so I’ll throw my hat in and also say it’s a clear cut case in the eyes of the law).

My husband earns 3x my salary and puts 99% into a joint account and keeps back a tiny bit to pay his mobile phone bill. The only reason my husband and I still have individual accounts is so we can pool our interest free overdrafts if needed (he is paid quarterly and I am a contractor so there are sometimes gaps in our income flow).

In terms of next steps I’m at a bit of a loss as it seems unlikely you’re be able to get him to see how fundamentally unfair and abusive he is being. Would he be open to counselling with someone like Relate?

You're deluded, op. He is not a good man. He has you where he wants you. With your crappy jeans, messy hair, pauper meals, being unable to socialise, get prescriptions, use the car etc. This is awful abuse. It sounds like he actually hates you. Your friends have noticed and will be talking about you. I'm being blunt on purpose here.

We do the one pot of money thing. Bills go out then what's left is halved. I earn a fraction of what he does. Wake up. And good luck. Get angry.