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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect that money when you're married should be shared?

186 replies

Rosieposey25 · 20/09/2019 21:40

Hi,

New poster but long time lurker. Just wanted peoples opinions on my situation really. Have been with my DH for 20 years, married for 11. Have 2 DC both under 10. Please bear with me, it's a long one!

Right up until we had children DH and I both earned roughly the same salary and we both put the same amount into a joint account to pay the bills etc and the rest was ours to do with as we pleased.

DH has never been particularly generous with money, especially when it came to Christmas/birthdays. I am the exact opposite and would give anyone my last pound. It's just how he is and I've always accepted it of him. He is a good person in all other respects.

HOWEVER, since we had children our finances have continued to be completely separate. I have pretty much always worked (although p/t after DC arrived) but mainly in low paid admin jobs as my career opportunities were very limited where we live as usually the role I trained for has to be f/t.

Also he started a new career where he could be anywhere in the world at short notice and childcare is limited where we live and we have no family help so I had to be available for 99% of the child rearing duties.

As such I have earned a lot less each month than I was before. DH decided therefore that he would pay the mortgage/bills/etc... and that I would be responsible for buying all the food/my petrol/kids stuff/birthday presents etc.... and anything else I might need.

As such I have to think carefully about every purchase I make. I have not had my hair cut in 2 years, I never buy myself anything - to the point where a friend told me that I do not look like a person who lives in the type of house I do as I wear the same things all the time (i literally have 1 pair of jeans from Sainsbury's that are almost threadbare).

DH earns good money, I know he also has quite a lot stashed away in another account.
He does not hesitate to buy himself anything he wants.

AIBU to think this is really unfair. I feel like I have facilitated his career by keeping everything running at home and working p/t on top of that. He acts like I'm a gold digger after 'his' hard earned money when I would never class myself as materialistic - I only want my hair done occasionally and more than one pair of holy jeans!!

I have tried talking to him about it and he just says 'that's how it is' and that's the end of it.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
WelcomeToShootingStars · 21/09/2019 08:50

Generally I'm a big advocate of keeping individual finances.

But not when it leads to such unfairness. If he wants to keep separate finances he needs to be paying more of the household expenses.

What we do is split it proportionate to earnings.

Badolddays · 21/09/2019 08:51

What does he think of his wife going round in holey jeans?

Accountant222 · 21/09/2019 08:55

Smart price meals for him, with the savings slowly upgrade your clothes

TeuchterTraveller · 21/09/2019 08:55

He's being financially abusive.

When your earnings decreased he should have increased the proportion he paid into the joint account, leaving you both still with an equal amount of spending money.

I would write down all your monthly outgoings and income to show him what you're working with and insist on change. If he won't discuss with you then what kind of marriage is that?

busybarbara · 21/09/2019 08:59

"Explain to him that if you divorce, you will get half of the house .... Also explain how much of a struggle he's going to find doing his job whe he has to do 50% childcare"

Ah yes this is sure to keep the romance flowing turning the relationship into a quid pro quo in his head.. not a good road to go down.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 21/09/2019 09:04

I'm so sorry that he is abusing you like this. I am the only earner in our household and we are not well off. We manage, but no more. I still make sure that my husband has money which is just his, to spend on whatever he wants. He doesn't care if he has money or not, but I am very aware of how easy it would be to be financially abusive without necessarily intending to be (although I do think that your husband is probably well aware of what he is doing).

I understand exactly about marriage being for life, but I fear for your mental health and that of your children if you continue as you are. What happens when you can't wear your jeans any more? Or when your children tell their teachers that you only have one outfit and that is full of holes?

OhamIreally · 21/09/2019 09:06

He won't do 50% childcare if you divorce and a court won't force him to. You will still be stuck with that. Posters saying he would have to don't realise that a man as selfish as this just will not do it as he doesn't think it's his job.
A lot of men think that the children are the woman's responsibility AND that they should be working full time otherwise they're not contributing fairly.

Thurmanmurman · 21/09/2019 09:11

He’s treating you like shit OP. He’s not a good man, stop acting grateful just because he doesn’t hit you or cheat on you, that’s the bare minimum you should expect. There’s tight and there’s financially abusive and your husband is the latter.

woodchuck99 · 21/09/2019 09:11

As others have said, this is financial abuse. I think the beans on toast for days really has to be a turning point for you. You can't let this go on as it is unfair not only to you but also to your children. If you have access to one of "his" accounts take money out and buy food for yourself and the children today. You shouldn't have to ask for food for you and the children. That's ridiculous! Also consider taking all the money out of this account as you need to come to a different arrangement and there is a good chance that he won't agree in which case you need money to leave.

LEELULUMPKIN · 21/09/2019 09:14

From now on OP give him bread, beans and butter for EVERY single meal.

Meanwhile, make all the plans and arrangements for leaving this tight arse.

What an absolute Bastard.

Original poster
Rosieposey25 · 21/09/2019 09:23

Thank you all, I am so grateful for your perspectives and opinions.

This is the most extreme it has ever been - I think I am still in shock/denial about the beans and bread.

Someone hit the nail on the head when they said some men expect you to do all the childcare/household stuff and work f/t otherwise you're not contributing. I think in his eyes the only worthwhile contribution is a financial one.

I am going to have a serious talk with him when he's back and tell him we put everything in one pot or I'm done.

Again, thank you - you have helped me more than you know x

OP posts:
DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 21/09/2019 09:25

I somehow missed the beans thing, that changes everything. He is openly contemptuous of you and your joint children and sees you as mattering less than him.

I'm sorry to harp on about this, but what are the chances that the kids will tell their friends about only having beans on toast for four days? I'm really not scaremongering, but there is a chance that someone at school will report this, especially if they know about you only having one set of clothes.

I hate divorce being used as the first option, but your situation is urgent now and you need to do something. Confide in a friend, a relative, anyone really who would help you to see your situation as it looks to others. Nobody who treats you with such contempt is seeing a rosy old age together with you in their future.

ChimesAtMidnight · 21/09/2019 09:26

You need to have a very serious talk with him and if nothing changes, you need to leave.
I'm pretty sure the latter as he won't change. How can he possibly love you if he doesn't care about you enough to make sure you can eat better than beans on toast for four days ?
I'm so sorry op but you are nothing more than cheap housekeeper, cook, bottle washer and childcare.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 21/09/2019 09:27

Sorry, I type with the speed of a striking slug, so I missed your update. It's good to see you gathering your strength to tackle this.

OvalCanvas · 21/09/2019 09:28

Good luck with your talk @Rosieposey25

Please don't be afraid to be alone to go it alone if it doesn't go as planned. Many of us here have been where you are and have found that being a single parent is much , much easier than being with a man like your husband.

Also , as a single mother on a pt wage , you can afford jeans and the odd haircut. I promise you.

fia101 · 21/09/2019 09:29

You'll need to pursue this OP as he may make excuses about how difficult it will be to change direct debits and set up a new account .

If you can get a list direct debits and contact numbers to change them or online access.

If you need to go into bank for new account get passports ready and allocate a time and date.

Get the email ready for him to send to HR to change bank details his salary goes into.

Is house in your name? If not when is your mortgage up?

Badolddays · 21/09/2019 09:30

You are definitely in denial because you say your dc are not missing out but they must be. Your husband’s priorities are wrong. How ridiculous that they are in private school but had to survive on bread and beans for four days.

CodyBurns · 21/09/2019 09:32

It sounds like you have a plan OP, and it's good to see you are confronting the reality of the situation you are in.

This is the first step towards reclaiming the life that you deserve - away from this awful man who is abusing you (and now your children, who need more than beans on toast to be properly nourished!!)

If you feel you can, order a big food shop and a few treats for yourself. If he has an issue with it, just tell him: 'the children and I will not be eating beans on toast for 4 days' until the bloody message sinks in.

I am furious on your behalf. What an utter arse he is.

Please keep coming back to talk to us, we are all behind you. You've got this.

avocadotofu · 21/09/2019 09:33

He sounds selfish and unkind. You should definitely be sharing your money especially as it sounds like you're doing most of the childcare.

Original poster
Rosieposey25 · 21/09/2019 09:35

Probably should have made it clear, the DC stayed for prep and dinner at school each evening so it was only me eating the beans on toast (apart from today obvs!)

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 21/09/2019 09:37

When he gets back from his trip, serve him beans in toast

666onmyhead · 21/09/2019 09:41

My friend was in your shoes for years. Then he retired and all of a sudden, as kids had left home, she was now the only earner. Guess who wanted to share her income then?! They are still together, not sure of the dynamics now as we aren't as close anymore, but they seem happy so I assume she's happy to share. Hope things pan out well for you.

Snog · 21/09/2019 09:41

Don't stay in this relationship under any circumstances OP. Your DH does not love you, he does not even respect you or care for your welfare, he has shown you this VERY CLEARLY.

These things matter much more than money. Your kids will be fine in state schools, what is actually important is that they see their mother treated with love and respect by their father. If they don't then they will grow up to be in relationships just like this one. Is that what you want for them?

CodyBurns · 21/09/2019 09:45

Op - what will you do if your children are hungry today? Beans on toast is not enough for hungry growing children (and I can't imagine he bought enough being the tightfisted shitweasel he is).

I bet he's not eating beans on toast whilst he's away Angry

woodchuck99 · 21/09/2019 09:45

Probably should have made it clear, the DC stayed for prep and dinner at school each evening so it was only me eating the beans on toast (apart from today obvs!)

That is good but still ridiculous that you should be eating beans on toast. Take money out of the account you have access to now.

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