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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect that money when you're married should be shared?

186 replies

Rosieposey25 · 20/09/2019 21:40

Hi,

New poster but long time lurker. Just wanted peoples opinions on my situation really. Have been with my DH for 20 years, married for 11. Have 2 DC both under 10. Please bear with me, it's a long one!

Right up until we had children DH and I both earned roughly the same salary and we both put the same amount into a joint account to pay the bills etc and the rest was ours to do with as we pleased.

DH has never been particularly generous with money, especially when it came to Christmas/birthdays. I am the exact opposite and would give anyone my last pound. It's just how he is and I've always accepted it of him. He is a good person in all other respects.

HOWEVER, since we had children our finances have continued to be completely separate. I have pretty much always worked (although p/t after DC arrived) but mainly in low paid admin jobs as my career opportunities were very limited where we live as usually the role I trained for has to be f/t.

Also he started a new career where he could be anywhere in the world at short notice and childcare is limited where we live and we have no family help so I had to be available for 99% of the child rearing duties.

As such I have earned a lot less each month than I was before. DH decided therefore that he would pay the mortgage/bills/etc... and that I would be responsible for buying all the food/my petrol/kids stuff/birthday presents etc.... and anything else I might need.

As such I have to think carefully about every purchase I make. I have not had my hair cut in 2 years, I never buy myself anything - to the point where a friend told me that I do not look like a person who lives in the type of house I do as I wear the same things all the time (i literally have 1 pair of jeans from Sainsbury's that are almost threadbare).

DH earns good money, I know he also has quite a lot stashed away in another account.
He does not hesitate to buy himself anything he wants.

AIBU to think this is really unfair. I feel like I have facilitated his career by keeping everything running at home and working p/t on top of that. He acts like I'm a gold digger after 'his' hard earned money when I would never class myself as materialistic - I only want my hair done occasionally and more than one pair of holy jeans!!

I have tried talking to him about it and he just says 'that's how it is' and that's the end of it.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
zsazsajuju · 21/09/2019 08:09

You need to raise it with him and get him to pay more into the household budget. I don’t think married couples need to share finances necessarily though. It’s probably helpful if they don’t when they have different attitudes to money as it sounds like is the case for op.

surlycurly · 21/09/2019 08:09

Also, if you do decide to leave him, be aware that most things probably are in his name. My ex controlled me for years paying and not paying for things like car insurance or the Sky because they wouldn't speak to me about the account. Get him to put you on the account for everything- even if you just say it's so you can fix problems when he's away. Half the roof was damaged on my house in a storm after we separated and the home insurance people wouldn't speak to me because the house insurance was in his name. He was abroad and I was stuck with a massive hole in my roof that I could get repaired because I didn't have the authority or the money to. He also stopped paying things with no warning, like the TV license, and I had no idea until a bailiff arrived at the door. Please get organised. I had four years of misery and a shit outcome in the divorce because this man had me in a financial stranglehold.

LagunaBubbles · 21/09/2019 08:10

do believe he's a good person, he's never lied, cheated, shouted at or abused me in anyway and when I got married I intended it to be forever

He is abusing you.

bacchahantes · 21/09/2019 08:13

We don’t have a joint account. He’s got kids and I’m financially independent. But he’d never see me go short and I wouldn’t him either.

Anything else would be a form of control.

Soon2BeMumof3 · 21/09/2019 08:17

This is shocking. So much of this is appalling.

You're being financially abused.

You'd be better off divorcing him. Do you want your children growing up thinking this is what love looks like?

PooWillyBumBum · 21/09/2019 08:18

Bloody hell, this isn’t a marriage, you’re a house elf. What the hell!?

If you won’t leave him, and he won’t share, then go back to work F/T and make him pay half of the extra childcare. Unbelievable.

ShiftHappens · 21/09/2019 08:19

this is financial abuse. You would probably be better off (also financially) as a lone parent.

and stop sending the DC to PS of affordability is an issue. They will be fine in a state school too. stop being a martyr for them.

needsahouseboy · 21/09/2019 08:19

Beans on toast for 4 days for his wife and children!!! I’d be throwing him out. That is utterly disgusting and clearly shows he had no respect or love for you. I’d be surprised if he wasn’t having an affair tbh.

Flibbitygibbit · 21/09/2019 08:22

Wow. What an awful bloke. Have 🌹 And my first LTB. Let him have a go at running a house etc plus child care and maintenance 😡

combatbarbie · 21/09/2019 08:23

Omg what the actual fuck.... He went out and bought beans and bread and fucked off for 4 days!!! And he sees nothing wrong with that!

Time for a rather frank chat.... One pot or he leaves, simple. It is financial abuse OP, sometimes we can't see it until we write it down!!

Badolddays · 21/09/2019 08:24

How can you say your children never go without when they had beans on toast for four days and a father who ‘earns good money’ which is stashed away?

Quartz2208 · 21/09/2019 08:28

Op this is a very abusive marriage for you and your children

Savingforarainyday · 21/09/2019 08:28

So, he goes away, presumably gets meals on expenses, but is happy for his wife and children ( the people he should care for most in the world) to eat beans? For four days?

Love is a verb, OP.....

WhoKnewBeefStew · 21/09/2019 08:28

This is one of the saddest things I've read on MN. He bought you bread and beans to tide you and the dc over whilst he went away - and you still think he's a good Dad? Thanks

ThanksForYourHelp · 21/09/2019 08:29

I haven't had a paying job since our fifteen-year-old daughter was born. All of our accounts are joint. We make large financial decisions together, and we spend as we need to for month-to-month and day-to-day expenses. It's simple.

If my husband tried to get away with anything even close to what yours pulls, I'd walk away.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 21/09/2019 08:31

I'm pretty sure you won't OP, but get the bank card for the joint account, do a huge food shop, inc goodies for you and the dc and brim your car with petrol. Go and buy a new pair of fucking jeans and some clothes for the dc and get yourself a haircut!

If he even so much as raises an eyebrow, leave him!

username1724 · 21/09/2019 08:35

We've shared finances from day 1. He used his savings to help me with childcare costs for my dd, hes worked all hours he can to support us, he pushes me to buy things for myself and DC with 'dont worry we will be fine'. That's how it should be, that's how both our parents were. I just cant wrap my head around how you can live harmoniously and equally in a loving relationship if the basics of sharing cant be adhered to. It's something we start learning from toddlers. Either kick him up the arse or kick him out, that's totally not on. You've facilitated his life, that's not 'just how it is' it's just selfish. That's literally the only reason he wont share is selfishness.

hopefulhalf · 21/09/2019 08:36

Wow I came to say money doesn't need to be shared. DH and I have "my money" , "your money" and "our money". However we contribute in proportion to our salaries (approx 2/3 for the pot and 1/3 to keep). What you describe is in no way ok. As others have said seek legal advice.

windmill121 · 21/09/2019 08:36

I work full time and have a decent salary I think. My husband & I have separate accounts but we just share our money. If I put down a deposit for a holiday and so am short he just transfers money I need or vice versa. I suppose we are lucky we have reasonable salary but are not flush and don't have savings but we share everything

Bodear · 21/09/2019 08:38

OP he is financially abusing you.
My DH and I have no kids, he earns more than me and all money is shared money.

Shesellsseashellsontheseashore · 21/09/2019 08:41

I never understand how people say 'he is a good person in all other respects' but then go on to list something bad. Something like this does not make him a good person as it cancels out any of the supposed good aspects. He is financially abusive.

My situation is very similar to yours in many ways apart from the financial abuse. He works full time and his working hours are rarely affected by children as I work part time to accommodate this. He puts more into the joint account that covers most bills and mortgage etc. I can also access it to pay for whatever I want from it. Anything for myself I pay from my account but I have enough money to cover me as I dont contribute as much. I do pay for childcare as the vouchers come from my wages and I do tend to cover presents etc but this is my choice. My husband also always checks that I've got enough cash when I'm going out etc and is more than willing to give me some if I'm short.
He is willingly allowing you to go without whilst he stashes his money away and buys himself whatever he wants.

endofthelinefinally · 21/09/2019 08:41

My friend was married to someone like this. He got worse as the years went on. He also hid all his money and assets and behaved appallingly over the divorce.
Use the time he is away to get copies of all the finances.
This kind of man will try to hide everything as soon as divorce is mentioned.
He has no respect for you OP.

Twistables · 21/09/2019 08:41

You have access to one of his accounts. Take all the money out of it and put it in a new account to pay for school fees. That'll be a good conversation starter.

Collision · 21/09/2019 08:42

Good grief

This is probably the worst thing I have read on here for a long time.

You should have access to all money whenever you want or need it.

Savingforarainyday · 21/09/2019 08:49

@WhoKnewBeefStew
Nailed it.
Please do exactly what she said!

Can I just ask OP- you say the kids don't go without, but do they have the same standard of living as their dad?

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