To expect that money when you're married should be shared?

[Rosieposey25]

Hi,

New poster but long time lurker. Just wanted peoples opinions on my situation really. Have been with my DH for 20 years, married for 11. Have 2 DC both under 10. Please bear with me, it's a long one!

Right up until we had children DH and I both earned roughly the same salary and we both put the same amount into a joint account to pay the bills etc and the rest was ours to do with as we pleased.

DH has never been particularly generous with money, especially when it came to Christmas/birthdays. I am the exact opposite and would give anyone my last pound. It's just how he is and I've always accepted it of him. He is a good person in all other respects.

HOWEVER, since we had children our finances have continued to be completely separate. I have pretty much always worked (although p/t after DC arrived) but mainly in low paid admin jobs as my career opportunities were very limited where we live as usually the role I trained for has to be f/t.

Also he started a new career where he could be anywhere in the world at short notice and childcare is limited where we live and we have no family help so I had to be available for 99% of the child rearing duties.

As such I have earned a lot less each month than I was before. DH decided therefore that he would pay the mortgage/bills/etc... and that I would be responsible for buying all the food/my petrol/kids stuff/birthday presents etc.... and anything else I might need.

As such I have to think carefully about every purchase I make. I have not had my hair cut in 2 years, I never buy myself anything - to the point where a friend told me that I do not look like a person who lives in the type of house I do as I wear the same things all the time (i literally have 1 pair of jeans from Sainsbury's that are almost threadbare).

DH earns good money, I know he also has quite a lot stashed away in another account.
He does not hesitate to buy himself anything he wants.

AIBU to think this is really unfair. I feel like I have facilitated his career by keeping everything running at home and working p/t on top of that. He acts like I'm a gold digger after 'his' hard earned money when I would never class myself as materialistic - I only want my hair done occasionally and more than one pair of holy jeans!!

I have tried talking to him about it and he just says 'that's how it is' and that's the end of it.

Thoughts?

That is good but still ridiculous

it's not good. It's still goddamn awful!

it's not good. It's still goddamn awful!

Obviously I mean that it is good that the children aren't subjected to the beans on toast for a few days. Clearly it is not good that she is which is why I said it was ridiculous and she needs to take money out of the account now (to buy food for herself).

When he gets home, give him beans on toast for dinner whilst you have your discussion!!

Make sure you withdraw some money today and 'treat yourself!'

Wow! OP that's awful. YANBU.
I'm similar to you in that I'm p/t to look after our DD so earn a lot less than I used to. We have one pot of money that's mostly earned by DH and I use it to buy what we need. I'm very tight with myself and won't really buy anything new and feel guilty if I do but that is just me. My shoes are falling apart and I need an overhaul of my wardrobe but I can't bring myself to waste money on me even though we have it. DH keeps telling me to just buy what I need and it doesn't matter. I love buying DD and DH all of the nice things though.

When you're married one partner shouldn't have to live in poverty while the other lives without a financial care in the world. It's power over the partner, controlling and it's abusive.

Glad to see that you are taking action OP. As somebody else said, NOT hitting/shouting/cheating is hardly a plus point - "Oooh, well done you for not abusing your wife"!

Treating your parner with respect should just be a given.

The beans on toast thing is just horrible. Frankly, it sounds as if he is taunting you. What fully functioning, well-paid adult goes to a shop to get food for their wife for 4 days and comes home with that!

If it was a supermarket he would have to walk from the bakery to chilled, and then to dry goods. He deliberately chose not to buy any nice bakery things, or fruit/veg. He ignored the meats/dairy stuff while he was getting you cheap marg. He could have grabbed some ready meals if he was in a hurry. But no, he decided on the cheapest most basic stuff, and sought it out, just for you.

If my DH was doing that, he would come home with far too much, and probably chocs and wine!

Don't let you experience of family divorce make you accept this. His treatment of you is awful.

I'm sorry but you put yourself in that vulnerable position. Time to grow some strong arms and get yourself out of it. Only working PT when your children are 11 is ridiculous.

Op, get the papers together now while he's away and before your talk.

Don't give him the heads up, as if it all goes sideways, you have lost the opportunity to prepare yourself and he will sing into action. He will almost certainly know where the papers are and all the information is, so you need to know all this too and you you need to do it now.

Namechanger0064
the op clearly says both kids are under 10.

I am only up to page 2 and had to comment on

I do believe he's a good person, he's never lied, cheated, shouted at or abused me in anyway

You don’t know if he has lied or cheated. Someone doesn’t have to shout to make their displeasure with you known.

He had the hump because you took money to pay for petrol presumably to get his children to and from school.

Girl you need to clear out that account and use some to hire a good divorce lawyer and some to change the locks

As for not abusing you.

YES HE IS.

To put it in perspective, Dp (who also travels the world with his job) takes what he needs to get himself to and from work, lunches and parking and a few hundred more for emergencies and gives me the rest to pay the house bills and buy anything I want.
About 75% of his salary.

And we aren’t even married

I am going to have a serious talk with him when he's back and tell him we put everything in one pot or I'm done

If someone holds you in so much contempt they only bought you beans on toast for 4 days whilst he was away presumably wining and dining in some fancy hotel I don’t think having a serious word with him is going to do any good.

He might give you what you want but he will make damn sure you pay for it.

Don’t waste your breath

Also if he thinks you are coming to your senses I doubt you will have access to the bank account with money in again.

The reason why you need to clear out that bank account is you will need to pay for a solicitor. If you don’t have money then you won’t be getting anyone to help you.

Df is in a similar situation and because she has a house then she can’t get legal aid

Don't even talk to him until you have collected every single bit of financial information and copied it. The minute you even suggest separating he will start to squirrel away and hide all his assets.

I would second getting your ducks in a row BEFORE YOU TALK TO HIM

He might just say, "OK, we're done then". He doesn't seem to care much about you ATM

Get details of income, pictures/copies of statements etc. Hide it really well, perhaps at work.

He may say he'll change, but if you give him the heads-up, he could start to hide even more income. You know he has a stash already. What else does he have? You can't really be sure can you?

I knew somebody whose globe-trotting DH had a flat (and girl) in Spain - she had NO idea!

It's good to know that you're going to try to have another discussion with him. I think you need to have all your ducks in a row before you do so though, as I think he will very promptly move monies etc and bury their existence deeper.
I can't really see this discussion having a positive outcome for you really, given his point blank refusal to discuss it previously. At best, he will make a tiny concession or two.
I think you need to be very clear exactly what you require financially to make it fair going forward. Don't settle for less. Redress the imbalance of the past, at least partially. Also that half the savings he has squirrelled away are put into an account in your name immediately and future savings are split each month between separate accounts in your individual names. This gives you some more security should you decide to leave him (or vice versa) in the future. You also need to insist on you having a pension that is equal to his.
I don't hold much hope for your relationship with him to be honest. His casual, deliberate, and sustained humiliatation and abuse of you makes him a a very cruel man. It also signifies that he has no basic respect and affection or love for you. It sounds as though this is purely to do with your husband's character, and nothing to do with you. Remember when you have the discussion, that you are NOT to blame for any of this. Do not let him say it is.
As a previous poster has said, her husband got physically aggressive for the first time when she discussed it with him. Make sure you have told a friend, or go somewhere public to discuss it.
In your shoes, I would be divorcing him now, due to his behaviours and cruelty, and also because I would never be able to set aside my resentment and anger at by he has chosen to treat me. CHOSEN to treat me!!!
However, if you are going to stay in this marriage, I'd suggest you get yourselves to marital counselling very quickly- make it a condition of staying now even. I also think you'd benefit from individual counselling.
Oh, and serve him beans on toast for four consecutive days when he gets home.

My friend's ex had multiple properties, offshore bank accounts and another woman abroad. For 20 years. He hid as much money as he could and lied about the rest. He kept her and their child in very frugal circumstances the whole time they were married, wouldn't let her have a bank account or a credit card.

The reason why I think it is a waste of time even talking to him is because if he has to give you more he will be finding it from something he already pays for.

I can see him stopping paying school fees and to keep you down he knows you will have to pay them if you really want to keep your children in the school so ending up worse off.

If you went straight for divorce at least you can get a judge to compel him to pay them as part of the divorce process.

I have seen it all before. Friend was married to a very highly paid a*hole who wanted her to work full time and keep house perfectly.

Please try to get as much information as possible about your DH’s salary, financial obligations - bills he pays, etc - before you talk about ‘being done’.

Add up what you need to pay for, and compare your FT salary to his - what greater percentage does he earn vs what you both pay out?

He sounds like sort of man who will happily hide his assets if he thinks you’ll divorce. He doesn’t actually sound at all nice.

If she goes straight for a divorce without even talking, she may be full of regrets and what could have beens. There are also the children to consider.

I think it’s excellent advice from @Selmababies

I do have access to one of his accounts but it is not in me to take the money without asking.

And please take 50% of this out and use it for food, petrol and childcare.

Sorry phone glitched .

He paid for the mortgage and the school fees and she paid for everything else. Including nursery for the youngest and childcare for drop off and pick up for before and after school for older one and clubs and childcare for holiday cover.

She is a very high earner but she was left with £45 per month after just paying for everything.

When she divorced she moved and got a live in nanny who was far cheaper and less stress.

Hydrogenbeatsoxygen that as the children get older he will become more interested in them and will be able to buy their affection.

Take them places that op can't go because she doesn't have the clothes and he will drive a wedge between her and them.

Then op will live in regret of what might have been.

I hope the talk when he gets back sorts things out for OP.

I agree with the other posters Rosieposey25, get all the financial and any property paperwork copied, including bank statements. Make sure you have the children’s and your passports, car licence, put in a safe but easily accessible place. Get everything together that you need in case you need to leave. I really don’t think things will get any better for you OP. I honestly believe that he’ll play the game until he has all his monies, etc hidden, then he’ll revert to type. He’ll just keep you sweet until then.