To expect that money when you're married should be shared?

[Rosieposey25]

Hi,

New poster but long time lurker. Just wanted peoples opinions on my situation really. Have been with my DH for 20 years, married for 11. Have 2 DC both under 10. Please bear with me, it's a long one!

Right up until we had children DH and I both earned roughly the same salary and we both put the same amount into a joint account to pay the bills etc and the rest was ours to do with as we pleased.

DH has never been particularly generous with money, especially when it came to Christmas/birthdays. I am the exact opposite and would give anyone my last pound. It's just how he is and I've always accepted it of him. He is a good person in all other respects.

HOWEVER, since we had children our finances have continued to be completely separate. I have pretty much always worked (although p/t after DC arrived) but mainly in low paid admin jobs as my career opportunities were very limited where we live as usually the role I trained for has to be f/t.

Also he started a new career where he could be anywhere in the world at short notice and childcare is limited where we live and we have no family help so I had to be available for 99% of the child rearing duties.

As such I have earned a lot less each month than I was before. DH decided therefore that he would pay the mortgage/bills/etc... and that I would be responsible for buying all the food/my petrol/kids stuff/birthday presents etc.... and anything else I might need.

As such I have to think carefully about every purchase I make. I have not had my hair cut in 2 years, I never buy myself anything - to the point where a friend told me that I do not look like a person who lives in the type of house I do as I wear the same things all the time (i literally have 1 pair of jeans from Sainsbury's that are almost threadbare).

DH earns good money, I know he also has quite a lot stashed away in another account.
He does not hesitate to buy himself anything he wants.

AIBU to think this is really unfair. I feel like I have facilitated his career by keeping everything running at home and working p/t on top of that. He acts like I'm a gold digger after 'his' hard earned money when I would never class myself as materialistic - I only want my hair done occasionally and more than one pair of holy jeans!!

I have tried talking to him about it and he just says 'that's how it is' and that's the end of it.

Thoughts?

That’s financial abuse. He’s keeping you poorer than him on purpose! Who treats someone they love like that?

How are things OP

From now on OP give him bread, beans and butter for EVERY single meal.

I wouldn't even be giving him butter, tbh.

DP and I keep our money separate, as did my ex and I, but that's largely my choice. I don't want to be in a place where anyone can have a pop at my books and boots spending.

But that's in a relationship that's childfree, imo it's very different when there are children and one partner gives up their earning potential to care for the kids. Once that happens, the main earner needs to pay a bigger share of household/family expenses imo.

And I think it's abusive too.

This is awful, OP. I'm glad you realise that.

I don't think he even likes you, as hard as that is to accept.

My DH would never see a friend - mine or his - go without basic clothing, haircuts, decent food, etc, let alone me!

Cheer up-when he gets back in town and you murder him for acting like the selfish son of a bitch that he is towards his family the prison food will be an improvement on your current diet!

You should read The Joy Luck Club, OP. There's one major character who has a situation like yours. Also, if you don't share outright, the expenses should be proportional to income.Not counting that you do the childcare!

Hi OP,
I've been following your thread from the start.
I'm in a similar situation and I'm just wondering how things are with you and if you broached the subject of finances with you OH, how did it go?

Reading that made me want to cry for you! He's not a good person in all other respects as this isn't just about money, he actively does not want you to feel good or do/have nice things or even sufficient things! While he's off doing what he likes. That is utter bullshit. If he's going to behave like that then you should start charging an hourly rate for looking after his children so he has the freedom to take a job with no concern of responsibilities at home.
I'm not exaggerating when I say I would leave him. He's a selfish prick. Surely this is financial abuse?

Are you ok OP?

Wow. This is pretty bad I'm afraid. On so many levels I don't even know where to start

Just read the whole thread and I’m so upset for you. I’m a sahm and there has never been any question but that all our money is family money, and my contribution doesn’t come with a payslip but we both understand the value of it.

I can’t help but suspect that your dh has more going on abroad than just work. It’s not just his disdainful attitude to you, but also towards his dc.

What kind of savings for your future have you in place? Is your pension a priority or has that been swallowed up?

I agree with others to get hold of the financial information and paperwork and save your talking for an expert with legal and financial advice.