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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect that money when you're married should be shared?

186 replies

Rosieposey25 · 20/09/2019 21:40

Hi,

New poster but long time lurker. Just wanted peoples opinions on my situation really. Have been with my DH for 20 years, married for 11. Have 2 DC both under 10. Please bear with me, it's a long one!

Right up until we had children DH and I both earned roughly the same salary and we both put the same amount into a joint account to pay the bills etc and the rest was ours to do with as we pleased.

DH has never been particularly generous with money, especially when it came to Christmas/birthdays. I am the exact opposite and would give anyone my last pound. It's just how he is and I've always accepted it of him. He is a good person in all other respects.

HOWEVER, since we had children our finances have continued to be completely separate. I have pretty much always worked (although p/t after DC arrived) but mainly in low paid admin jobs as my career opportunities were very limited where we live as usually the role I trained for has to be f/t.

Also he started a new career where he could be anywhere in the world at short notice and childcare is limited where we live and we have no family help so I had to be available for 99% of the child rearing duties.

As such I have earned a lot less each month than I was before. DH decided therefore that he would pay the mortgage/bills/etc... and that I would be responsible for buying all the food/my petrol/kids stuff/birthday presents etc.... and anything else I might need.

As such I have to think carefully about every purchase I make. I have not had my hair cut in 2 years, I never buy myself anything - to the point where a friend told me that I do not look like a person who lives in the type of house I do as I wear the same things all the time (i literally have 1 pair of jeans from Sainsbury's that are almost threadbare).

DH earns good money, I know he also has quite a lot stashed away in another account.
He does not hesitate to buy himself anything he wants.

AIBU to think this is really unfair. I feel like I have facilitated his career by keeping everything running at home and working p/t on top of that. He acts like I'm a gold digger after 'his' hard earned money when I would never class myself as materialistic - I only want my hair done occasionally and more than one pair of holy jeans!!

I have tried talking to him about it and he just says 'that's how it is' and that's the end of it.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
Rosieposey25 · 20/09/2019 22:17

I do believe he's a good person, he's never lied, cheated, shouted at or abused me in anyway and when I got married I intended it to be forever. As a child of divorce I vowed I would do anything to protect my children from that but I do feel like he doesn't care about me if he's happy for me to go without.

I have had zero money since last week due to being paid 2/3 of my normal salary after leaving my old p/t job for a new f/t (gone f/t to pay half the school fees)

We had no food in the house so he went out, brought bread, beans and butter. Then went away for 4 days. I have never felt to disrespected in my life. He seemed surprised when I asked him why he's done that and said he thought I liked beans on toast.

I just feel like it's the straw that broke the camels back

I do have access to one of his accounts but it is not in me to take the money without asking. I had to take a little bit for petrol and a prescription as I have a Chronic pain condition and he got the right hump. I told him it was tough.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rosieposey25 · 20/09/2019 22:18

Should probably point out that our DC do not go without. I always ensure they have everything they need and husband will also cough up as and when required for them

OP posts:
usernamexox · 20/09/2019 22:23

Why on earth have you agreed to pay half of presumably private school fees in this situation?
Re leaving you & the DC with no cash & just tins of beans & bread/ butter for 4 days are not the actions of a loving father & husband.

RandomMess · 20/09/2019 22:24

Why are going to pay half the school fees?

Seriously do not agree to private school whilst you do not have free access to joint funds.

averylongtimeago · 20/09/2019 22:25

He "got the hump" because you used"his money " for pain medication?

Really? Think about it- is this the sort of selfish bastard you want to spend your old age with? Is this the sort of example you want to give to your children?

HerRoyalNotness · 20/09/2019 22:26

Do not pay half the school fees!! You personally cannot afford it, put your foot down and start squirrelling away some money for a) clothes and b) a shit hot lawyer

RedSheep73 · 20/09/2019 22:27

Ridiculous. You are a household - your money is household money not his or yours. You need to get it sorted asap. What sort of partnership is it when you keep these things separate?

Original poster
Rosieposey25 · 20/09/2019 22:30

Sorry, he didn't have the hump about the pain meds, it was that I hadn't asked him before I took money for petrol. Although I had text him earlier that day to say I had no petrol left and he did not reply.

DC already in PS and I could not bear to take them out, they are so happy there and thriving. He said he could not afford to pay the fees alone so I agreed to get a f/t job to contribute (although friend argues I should pay a fair percentage rather than half as he earns double what I do)

Regretting the f/t role as it's making my pain condition worse plus I'm still doing everything at home as he's away a lot of the time.

It's like he thinks the world and we stop when he goes away!

OP posts:
skyblu · 20/09/2019 22:34

Wow! This is not right OP. As others have said.
He earns good money, but you’ve not had a haircut in 2 years because you’re balancing “your” bit and so can’t afford it. Sorry but WTactualF ?!? That’s not a marriage. That’s not love.
I do think how each couple manage their finances is a personal choice and not one rule suits all....but what you’re describing just isn’t right.
My husband & I have 1 joint bank account and that’s it (+ joint savings account).
It’s been pretty even over the last 20years....sometimes he’s been bringing in more money and sometimes I have. Everything each of us earn goes in and everything each of us wants/needs comes out. We discuss personal purchases but neither of us have ever stopped the other spending anything! It’s a mutual & respectful situation. I understand that our way wouldn’t work for everyone.

But my husband would bend over backwards/work extra to ensure I could have a haircut/nails done or whatever if we were tight for money, regardless of bank account situation.

JasonPollack · 20/09/2019 22:34

D.I.V.O.R.C.E he is abusing you and you don't even see it. He is starving you ffs. He is not unaware of the situation. It gives him power over you and he enjoys it. Get copies of any paperwork in the house and a good lawyer.

Tweetingmagpie · 20/09/2019 22:34

I don’t necessarily think money should always be shared as it depends on the situation, we don’t share our money but we both earn the same and pay different things which add up to about the same amount in terms of regular outgoings, but in your situation it sounds like he is being massively unfair, how can he let you live like that if he has plenty of money and extra stashed away? I hate tightness with money, he sounds like a dick and you’d be better off divorcing him and taking half of everything, you look after the kids by yourself anyway by the sounds of it.

Millymollymandybestie · 20/09/2019 22:38

I think the beans bread and butter would have been a deal breaker for me

Original poster
Rosieposey25 · 20/09/2019 22:41

Thank you all for your comments - you have all given me 'food' for thought Sad

OP posts:
SunshineAngel · 20/09/2019 22:41

I earn a lot more than my partner.

We make sure that all bills etc are covered between us, but I would never ever see him short if he wanted anything (obviously within reason!) once his wage runs out. I also pay for meals out, days out, things for his son etc out of my money, and wouldn't think to mention it or ever throw it back in his face.

I think being tight while your partner struggles is unfair. Obviously you don't want to be wasting ALL the money that comes in, but neither do you want to have to scrimp and never have anything for yourself.

He's being a dick, sorry.

1Morewineplease · 20/09/2019 22:43

I’m so sorry that you find yourself in this situation... you really need to have a long conversation about finances. If he doesn’t want to then I think you need to think about your own future. He is controlling you.

chipsandgin · 20/09/2019 22:49

If nothing else divorcing him would give you half of everything - you'd be a lot better off and not be financially abused anymore. He sounds nasty & just like every thread about a nasty partner I see you are excusing him & saying how great he is in other ways (he really isn't, if at his core he is happy to see you suffer).

It's not good enough and you don't have to live like this, life is too short. It sounds like you'd have a pleasant surprise if you got half the marital assets..& got a shit hot lawyer to negotiate your settlement and maintenance.

SunshineAngel · 20/09/2019 22:50

To add to my post: I'm generally quite careful with money despite being the higher earner, as I'm self employed so I'm very aware of the fact that it's not as secure as other kinds of work.

I won't often buy new clothes for myself, but if I ever see things I like, you can guarantee he'll come home with them for me. It's only things from the supermarket clothes ranges so not reckless spending, but the small amount of spare cash he has, he still spends on me.

Your DH's attitude absolutely stinks.

Shoxfordian · 20/09/2019 22:57

Your dh is financially abusing you

Unless he's willing to sit down, look at all the outgoings incl all the dc needs per month and drastically change this arrangement then you should consider whether you'd be better without him

TriciaH87 · 20/09/2019 22:59

He eats and they are his kids too. If you left him he would pay all the bills he pays now for the house, child maintenance and spousal support. I would point out that your raising his kids full time when his away etc and his responsible for 50 percent of the childcare so he can either pay someone to look after them 3 days and nights a week or support you a bit more for allowing him to have the career he has as with out you he would be at home looking after his children.

Merryoldgoat · 20/09/2019 22:59

He’s not kind or good. He’s a financial abuser.

He’d have been served with divorce papers long ago if he were my husband.

helacells · 20/09/2019 23:00

Married money is legally joint money. Tell him you need 2k etc a month or it's divorce time then you'll definitely get half!

mindutopia · 20/09/2019 23:02

It’s incredibly weird. My dh and I have separate personal finances. I have no idea what he has in his personal account and he has no idea what I have in mine. But we have a joint account for pretty much all the things you describe. At the same time, I have a good high earning career because my dh was never under any illusions that his career would flourish at the expense of mine. Even when he has earned more than me (he earns about 10k per year more than me at the moment), his career has never been a priority. We’ve both contributed and we are both equals.

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 20/09/2019 23:06

This is awful OP. Your DH has no respect for you at all. We have a joint account and that’s it. We buy what we want/need (within our means) and discuss major purchases. We’ve never had my money/your money and all savings/investments etc are in joint names. DH earns way more but I’ve spent several years at home.

How did your ‘D’H even come up with you paying for day to day stuff - have either of you worked out a realistic budget?

He sounds awful - I couldn’t live like that.

IWantMyHatBack · 20/09/2019 23:12

Divorce this selfish fuck. Sounds like you'd be better off too

NameyMcNameyChangey · 20/09/2019 23:13

OP this has made me so sad for you. So you had the same earning potential but didnt pursue it so you could look after his children and help his career. And your end of the deal is getting enough money back to eat fucking beans on toast while he travels without a care and saves his money in a secret stash, while you cant afford a haircut

You've said he has never been abusive well he is, financially.

You either get him to pay for a nanny, cleaner, cook, gardener, ironer at home to facilitate you working full time to save your own money for proper hair cuts and clothes, or he gives you equal access to his. Or you divorce him with 50 50 custody and ask him what days he would like so you can work the other days.

Threadbare clothes and no haircuts, that other people have noticed...how can he justify that with 'it's just the way it is', would he say the same to your friend if they asked him direct? Disgusting

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