To expect that money when you're married should be shared?

[Rosieposey25]

Hi,

New poster but long time lurker. Just wanted peoples opinions on my situation really. Have been with my DH for 20 years, married for 11. Have 2 DC both under 10. Please bear with me, it's a long one!

Right up until we had children DH and I both earned roughly the same salary and we both put the same amount into a joint account to pay the bills etc and the rest was ours to do with as we pleased.

DH has never been particularly generous with money, especially when it came to Christmas/birthdays. I am the exact opposite and would give anyone my last pound. It's just how he is and I've always accepted it of him. He is a good person in all other respects.

HOWEVER, since we had children our finances have continued to be completely separate. I have pretty much always worked (although p/t after DC arrived) but mainly in low paid admin jobs as my career opportunities were very limited where we live as usually the role I trained for has to be f/t.

Also he started a new career where he could be anywhere in the world at short notice and childcare is limited where we live and we have no family help so I had to be available for 99% of the child rearing duties.

As such I have earned a lot less each month than I was before. DH decided therefore that he would pay the mortgage/bills/etc... and that I would be responsible for buying all the food/my petrol/kids stuff/birthday presents etc.... and anything else I might need.

As such I have to think carefully about every purchase I make. I have not had my hair cut in 2 years, I never buy myself anything - to the point where a friend told me that I do not look like a person who lives in the type of house I do as I wear the same things all the time (i literally have 1 pair of jeans from Sainsbury's that are almost threadbare).

DH earns good money, I know he also has quite a lot stashed away in another account.
He does not hesitate to buy himself anything he wants.

AIBU to think this is really unfair. I feel like I have facilitated his career by keeping everything running at home and working p/t on top of that. He acts like I'm a gold digger after 'his' hard earned money when I would never class myself as materialistic - I only want my hair done occasionally and more than one pair of holy jeans!!

I have tried talking to him about it and he just says 'that's how it is' and that's the end of it.

Thoughts?

I hope you leave him, I really do.
You have struggled long enough while he sat back and watched. He doesn’t care. He’s not a good person, a good husband or a good parent.
He would leave you to starve? My God how bad does it need to be beside you leave?

Op this is awful and you should not be in this situation. He is controlling you through money and the only reason he can work like he does is because you take the childcare on.

We have the reverse in our home in that I work f/t and have to travel and my dh is around for our boys and adjusts his hours so earns a lot less than he could. My wages go into our joint account and it is our money. We both access what we need to live on and enjoy life.

Stop going to the butchers. Stop buying expensive food. When he complains say 'That's how it is'.

Your kids wouldn't notice a divorce as he's not there much anyway. They would notice a happier mum that isn't suffering physical pain because their father is a tosser. A preview of the cost of divorce could be a great shake down for him and it might not get that far if you really want to spend the rest of your life with him.
One life, op; start putting yourself and by extension your kids first and enjoy it

I’ve Beene sahm for 10 years as two of our kids have disabilities. My husband’s salary goes into the joint account that we both use. He does not complain about what I spend. Your husband is an utter arsehole. He’s acting like he has no children. Off he jets for work knowing he has someone doing the grunt work at home. I would strongly consider leaving him. He seems to have very little respect or LOVE for you.

Jesus fuck OP I didn't think a lot shocked me anymore but I was thinking this was horrid and abusive and then I read about the bread and beans. Fuck.

Divorce him. Then find someone who cares about you.

No way would I accept this.

He’s got two options. You go full time and he looks after the kids, or money gets share 50/50 whilst you look after your joint children. This includes you having money to save, to put towards your private pension and so on. You can’t be left worse off because of how you’ve jointly (I assume?) decided to share domestic and non-domestic labour.

How much are the bills he pays? How much does he have left over after paying them?

It has never made sense to me to keep separate finances when children are involved as there are so many variable costs. My husband and I have had times when we’ve been broadly equal but he vastly out earns me now. He absolutely sees all of our money as family money.

Before we were married we had separate accounts but joint goals, when we got married we got a joint account but still had separate spending money (ie an equal allowance for food, clothes, fun etc). When we got our house, a few more things became joint and post children everything did. It took us some time to feel comfortable I guess with our personal spending but even when our money was separate and he was outearning me, he wanted to share his money with me by buying expensive gifts that I couldn’t reciprocate or adding in a bit more to the pot for holidays etc.

Both salaries get paid into one joint account.

Groceries, savings, childcare, treats all come
out of that pot.

End of.

If he does do you have a will to access his account to pay council tax, electricity, gas, mortgage? Is the house in both names?

I earn a fifth of what dh does as I’m part time. All our money is in joint accounts and I access what I want when I want. That’s how it should be. He also has had significant sums given from parents recently (they’ve chosen to share inheritance and profit from house sales with him) and we talk about what we will do with the money as a couple. He’s never referred to it as his (although I think he has every right to). We are a couple and our common goal is to build a lifestyle for our family. There’s nothing to be gained by ‘his’ and ‘hers’ money.

You need to stick up for yourself. Something needs to change. Like you say, you’re facilitating his career and have sacrificed your own. He needs to think about whether he wants to be part of a family unit and what that actually means. If he’s not up for sharing finances more fairly, I really think you need to reconsider your future together.

"Dies"

OP - there are some really good messages here, from women who have been through what you are going through now. You might be feeling a bit overwhelmed and maybe even doubtful that this is is abuse, but it really is and you don't have to live this way.

I remember it took months for me to accept I was experiencing financial abuse. My Ex-H and I both had good careers before we had DC and I gave everything up to be a SAHM for 18 months - on top of that we moved. Biggest mistake of my life. As soon as I was vulnerable he showed his true colours and before I knew it all of my financial independence was gone. I remember how subtle it was and how easily I let him take control of everything from the bills to the child benefit. I didn't even get an allowance - he did all the food shopping and therefore decided what I was 'allowed' to have. A bit like your H has decided you and the children are only worth baked beans on toast this week - presumably to punish you for not living up to his unrealistic budgeting expectations and to send a message about who is really in control here.

A word of caution: I left my abuser earlier this year. Once he realised that his control over me was slipping, the abuse escalated and he eventually assaulted me in front our our DC. Something I never expected would happen to me.

I left very quickly and I didn't get the financial paperwork I needed. I also left myself in a very vulnerable position when it came to the divorce as he refused to leave the home and still controlled all the money (even my car was in his name). If you are in a position where you are planning to leave, I can't stress enough how important it is to get your ducks in a row and have a plan on how to support yourself in between the separation and a divorce - which can take a very long time as I myself am discovering.

Leaving an abuser is a process, not an event. These men do not like to be left, and they try to make your life as difficult as possible but you can get out as long as you are prepared. If you can cut down on luxuries and put a bit of money aside - it could be a lifeline in the event you ever need it.

for you.

Do you know much he has in savings? Can you find out? I would try to see a divorce solicitor for some advice. If you need to run two homes, there’s a possibilities you will have to move out of the family home and/or move the children to a state school. It might still be the right thing to do, but you need some professional advice on what would likely happen if you left your abusive husband.

have tried talking to him about it and he just says 'that's how it is' and that's the end of it.

LTB

Get as much info about his finances and “secret accounts” beforehand though. And get to a solicitor.

Let's put it this way. If you were to divorce, all the money would be put in one big pot and divided equally. When my husband divorced, that included the money he'd just inherited from his father, despite her saying "I'd never take that money, I know it's yours".

This is so sad, you have travelled so far from what a good relationship should be. That must be hard to process. This isn’t recoverable - tell your friends the truth and let them help you. Leave and stop modelling abuse to your children

We used to put half each into joint to cover bills and keep the rest ourselves. When children came along I went part time - similar to you my husband frequently works away. But his money is our money. He puts more in joint, if I need clothes or a haircut I get it with no worries about who's paying for what. The way we see it, my husband couldn't work abroad if I was full time. I take on the bulk of housework and childcare all he has to worry about is himself and getting to work. He pays for all the extras. I couldn't bear to live like you do and we would be having pretty explosive arguments if that was the case.
Also, there's no way I would be agreeing to go full time to pay PS fees. You are wearing jeans with holes in them!!! How can he let this happen and you can't afford PS. Let him pay the fees with his money he is stashing away. The money coming in to your house should be joint.

Do you not need more clothes for work than one old pair of jeans!

This is definitely abuse @Rosieposey25. You care for his children and you facilitate his career and he treats you like shit.

It’s time to take a stand. You need to lay out your terms and conditions for continuing this marriage and if he doesn’t like it tell him you’re going to divorce him.

💐

He is financially abusing you. Time to start making an escape plan.

Buying beans and bread when he was going to be away for four days is really really awful. There are lots of ways to split household finances but this way seems very unfair. Food, petrol, children’s activities, presents and half the school fees must actually amount to a lot each month. No wonder you can’t afford to get a haircut or buy a new pair of jeans. I think you need to add up what you have been spending to show him. Unless you have a huge mortgage and leave the heating on 24 hours a day, you are probably not spending that much less than him.

You said in your first post that he was never generous with presents. It sounds as if he has got very financially controlling. I really feel for you working full time with a chronic pain condition, seemingly doing most of the child care if he is away. He really needs to rethink the way the household finances are divided.

Eh, perhaps I'm odd but I ever shared finances when married. I didn't like the idea. My ex earned 3 times what I did so he paid 3 times the amount of bills and then we kept our own spare money for whatever we wanted.

However, it worked for us and we were both happy with the situation. Your DH sounds like he's financially abusive.

I know you say you don’t want your kids to be children of divorce but honestly, it’s worse for them to grow up in a house witnessing abuse than it is to be a child of divorce! Have a look at this Women’s aid description of financial abuse and see if it sounds familiar.

Big reason why I left my marriage too. My situation was similar to yours, also I was obviously getting in his way. I had to earn my wage to get my clothes, socialise and anything to do with me personally.

My new partner has bought everything for me and has shown me that men look after their women in every aspect, not just the money side.