Leaving an 18 and 20 year old home alone!!

[Myfeetarekillingme]

Bit of background first, DH and I have a rubbish relationship with his ex. They separated several years before we met but she's treated me like the OW ever since we started to date. She held up divorce, demanded all sorts of nonsense. Luckily the step children are older so we have very limited contact with her now.

We have step "children" aged 18 and 20, five days out of fourteen which includes EOW. The days during the week vary. I've posted about this before and been flamed to death for suggesting this is slightly odd behaviour for two adults and that I'm a terrible step parent. For the record, I'm not saying they aren't welcome, just that I wish they would start to become a little more independent and stop relying on a child contact plan that was set up many years ago when they were children.

We're going on holiday the day after a 'child' contact night, we're leaving super early. I asked DH if we could alter/cancel/suspend the child contact night as it would mean them getting up at 4am and us taking them back to their mother's (no buses at that time) before setting off, meaning everything would have to be even earlier. He said this was OK. At 18 and 20 they should be able to be left alone even if their mother was not at home that evening.

All was well until the ex found out. She went batshit. Saying DH is irresponsible, uncaring, etc.

Who is in the wrong here?

Unless either of the DadultC have additional needs of course it’s not irresponsible or uncaring. You must know that even if the batshit ex doesn’t?!

This is a wind up. They're adults. They can be left alone and get their own butts to their mothers if they want to.

No, never a child alone...even if they are 30.

Who is in the wrong here?

They are both adults why on earth would you feel the need to start this thread of course you know they can be left alone, surely you don't honestly need people to confirm this?

They are more than capable of independently getting themselves home to their mothers and locking up the house before they leave.

If an 18 and 20 year old can't be left alone at home, there's a very big problem. FFS, many people, myself included, lived on their own at 18.

Why would you take them back to their mother's at 4am? Can't they get th bus home later? Or stay at your house if they prefer? I don't understand

I was left alone for a week at 16 when my parents went on holiday! We were friendly with the neighbours and my Grandma was only a bus ride away. She does know that loads 18+ (I was going to write children but they’re not) live independently right?!

FFS! They are adults. I left my 18 & 20yo DDs this summer whilst I was abroad with work for 6 days. DH was meant to be here but did a course that coincided with my trip. Was it an issue? No. Did they manage? Yes. Was the house trashed? No - in fact it was cleaner than when I left. Did they do a big supermarket shop, fill the freezer with home-cooked delights and plan Christmas? No, because they didn't need to.

Do your step-children not drive? Could they get a taxi home after their visit? Perhaps their mother could come and collect the precious loves from yours instead.

I have a fairly similar situation with my SS - aged 21 and 23. Decade old contact agreement from their parents divorce.

They're not independent at all and I think the contact agreement actually makes it a lot worse.

I really want to go on holiday for Xmas one year but apparently we're signed up to alternate Christmas Day or Boxing Day with them for all eternity!

These people are grown ups. They’re adults. Give them a tenner and tell them to get an Uber for heaven’s sake.

You’re in the wrong.

Why are you allowed to complain that they could stay at their mother’s alone the evening before even if she’s out, yet you don’t just do the obvious thing wishing is leave them home alone at your house (also their house) when you leave at 04:00?

Why should they miss coming to their dad the night before?
Why should their mother give up a young adult free night when it’s their dad’s contact time?
Why do you complain they’re infantilised then do the same thing?

It’s really not that weird for them to keep the same contact pattern. Lots of people like routine. This way, they know where they are and get to see both parents, without thinking about it.

Wow, that’s strange. I don’t see why the step children can’t stay in your house and take themselves off to their mum’s the next morning. Absolutely no need for them to be getting up at 4 am.

Hmmm they should both be driving really. I agree with you, they should just come round whenever they want now then go back to their main home. Surely they don't want to be sleeping in different houses all the time??

That is madness. They are adults. Ex is crazy.

I really want to go on holiday for Xmas one year but apparently we're signed up to alternate Christmas Day or Boxing Day with them for all eternity!

Why would you let their old contact arrangement dictate what you want to do? Book the holiday, and see them before or afterwards what are they going to do have a tantrum and tell their mother?

I'm wondering why three adults are treating two (admittedly younger) adults like small children. Time for all of you to recalibrate.

Why would you even consider waking the children at 4am to take them home? Why haven't you said, "Hey, kids we have to set off very early that morning for our holidays so can you sort out getting yourselves back to your mums? Or come a different night?"

And why are the kids' visits being co-ordinated thru their mother? They are old enough to manage their own lives, relationships, plans. They can talk to you and your husband about their visits, and to their mother themselves.

This is all pointless knicker-twisting.

18 & 20??????? Why can't they be left at your place then leave to go back to their mum's?

I have so many questions. They all begin with why xxx?

At 18 & 20 the whole thing sounds nuts. An 18 & 20 year old still doing EOW? I am hoping my DCs will be at uni/working/making their own plans by 18 & 20.

What are the DCs like? Are they independent in their lives at all (live alone/drive/go out to the pub/anything adulty)?

Are they not sick of being babied?

@MancaroniCheese you say ex is crazy. Perhaps ex is driven crazy by her ex dragging her into his contact days.

AIBU? My 18 & 20yo stay at their dad’s on a Thu. He’s off on hols Fri at 04:00, so he wants them to stay at mine. I quite like my empty house on a Thu. I don’t mind giving that up, but... IABU to be pissed off that my ex won’t have his adult children home alone when they’re asleep for 4 hours? And IABU to be pissed off that I divorced this man YEARS ago, and I’m still having his ask me about contact for adult children? FFS, they’re 18 and 20 - just tell them not to come over on Thu, and they’ll tell me they’ll be at mine.

At 18 I had dd who was 3
Living in our own home.
The whole set up sounds weird.

At 18 and 20, they could be living independently at university.

My 17 was left for three nights alone in February.

Why can’t you take them home the night before your holiday?

Why can't they stay at yours and make their own way home later?

Are they not sick of being babied?

You have got to wonder haven't you? I cannot imagine any young adult I know being happy to be treated the same as when they were 8. Its very belittling.

If they don't mind being babied then someone needs to step up and start treating them as adults if your DH and their mum won't then I wouldn't be able to stick around to see what happens. They will end up as 30 year olds still living with their parents with no ambition or drive to rock the boat and upset the status quo.

My DS went to university aged 18. He's been on his own every night for 3 terms now. This is perfectly normal. Tell the ex to go back to sucking wasps and treat DSCs as the adults they are. Ridiculous.

Sounds like ex has conditioned the dc to control their df because she no longer can...