Leaving an 18 and 20 year old home alone!!

[Myfeetarekillingme]

Bit of background first, DH and I have a rubbish relationship with his ex. They separated several years before we met but she's treated me like the OW ever since we started to date. She held up divorce, demanded all sorts of nonsense. Luckily the step children are older so we have very limited contact with her now.

We have step "children" aged 18 and 20, five days out of fourteen which includes EOW. The days during the week vary. I've posted about this before and been flamed to death for suggesting this is slightly odd behaviour for two adults and that I'm a terrible step parent. For the record, I'm not saying they aren't welcome, just that I wish they would start to become a little more independent and stop relying on a child contact plan that was set up many years ago when they were children.

We're going on holiday the day after a 'child' contact night, we're leaving super early. I asked DH if we could alter/cancel/suspend the child contact night as it would mean them getting up at 4am and us taking them back to their mother's (no buses at that time) before setting off, meaning everything would have to be even earlier. He said this was OK. At 18 and 20 they should be able to be left alone even if their mother was not at home that evening.

All was well until the ex found out. She went batshit. Saying DH is irresponsible, uncaring, etc.

Who is in the wrong here?

How did I start this @Ellisandra?

They are not my children in case you're not keeping up! I don't have any say in their lives that's the job of their parents.

I would love to treat them like the adults they are. I'm sick of them hanging around like children.

I asked you to keep your step mother hating to your own sad little mind!

As I said to Ellisandra, I am not their parent, I am not responsible for infantilising them, but I do want to protect my own home.

He works full time then spends his weekends hanging around with you lot alternately?! Seriously OP. You need to get your husband to get a fucking grip! He needs to sit down with his GROWN UPS and say ok you're adults now you can do whatever you like so come and see us/call me/I'll call you when you want to see me there does not need to be any set pattern etc.

You should really answer why they cant stay in your house after you leave for holiday though. Although it doesn't sound like they are adult enough to so maybe thats why but you dont want to say it. I could not be with a man who acted like this with his adult children. When does it end? Age 30? 40?

*aren't adult enough

We're going on holiday the day after a 'child' contact night, we're leaving super early. I asked DH if we could alter/cancel/suspend the child contact night as it would mean them getting up at 4am and us taking them back to their mother's (no buses at that time)

This is utterly bonkers. Why not tell them they can get the bus back the night before or in the morning after you've woken up.

They would not want to stay at ours if we were not here. Even for four hours
But won't they be asleep for this? Can't you leave them a note with locking up etc?

I don't understand any of this. They're not children. The adults in their lives should stop treating them as if they were.

OP youd love to treat them like adults you said - DO THAT then! Tell your husband - either they dont come the night before because you're not doing this 4am madness. Or they do come the night before but you're leaving them and trusting them to make their own way home the next day. His choice. One or the other. Grow some balls if it's your house too.

Myfeetarekillingme - complete lie that they would not want to do this. You know what’s really going on here and deep down you know you’re wrong. But I doubt you’ll be losing sleep over it.

And have you asked them if they would be happy to stay at your house after you leave and get the bus back later? Are you sure?

Have just read the first page.

This is so bizarre. These are young adults.

This summer I went on holiday abroad, twice, leaving my DS at home on his own for a week - 10 days to look after our pets. DS is 17 and ASD. He was absolutely fine!

Tell them they can't stay that weekend as you're going on holiday.

Also it sounds like it is time for the 20yo to move out!

OP I'm definitely with you in thinking its totally unreasonable for your DH and Ex to keep up this level of babying their children. However knowing all of this....
Why did you book a holiday for so early the day after contact?

Wow, I'm scarlet for ya! Their mother is a fucking nutjob. Does she wipe their arses and feed them pureed dinners on her contact time? She should be ashamed of herself for infantilising them. Tell the child/adults to sort their own way back after you leave for your trip. If you're concerned that they cannot lock up properly and leave the house safe, then ask a friend to check in on it once they're gone home.

Well tbf to op, if they are sticking to contact hours happily as adults they probably can’t be trusted to lock up. I like to lock the house up when I go on holiday, peace of mind. I wouldn’t happily leave it to a responsible other let alone these two muppets.

You say you wouldn't want to leave these two young adults alone in your house but maybe now is the time to start. Just tell them what they need to do regarding security and go.

Well tbf to op, if they are sticking to contact hours happily as adults they probably can’t be trusted to lock up.

I agree I'm not sure I'd trust two adults who still adhered religiously to their contact agreement and tattled to mummy to lock up the house whilst I was away for 10 days either.

I was left at home at 18 to look after dsis 16 and dbro 12. Parents went away for their anniversary and I remember being over the moon at having a parent-free house for the week 😂. My siblings and I still talk about our amazing week of fun , years later

Why cant they house sit for you? Sounds like the independence would do them good!

An alternative - book 2 taxis for 0400. One for you and DH to the airport, one for the DSCs to go home to Mum. That way you lock up to your satisfaction. You don't want to test that they do it right when you are out for 10 days.

Don't they have their own lives to lead on a Saturday night? They should be out with friends, at the pub or something. Not wanting to hang around with their Dad and SMum while they are trying to do last minute packing and getting an early night.

Tell them they can come for an early supper on Saturday, or come for the night Friday instead. They really need to be more flexible now they are adults.

The obvious solution in my eyes is that they stay with you the night before ( as it’s their routine ) they’ll have to get up early and be ready to leave
I completely understand that you want to lock up your own home before you go away
You lock up the house and get off to the airport , they find their own way home
The whole thing about them still having a dad access at their age is ludicrous

OP, I'd feel like I'd wandered in to some kind of twilight zone if I were you! Your husband and his ex aren't setting up their kids for full and independent lives, are they. I feel sorry for the 'kids' and you.

Don't they have girlfriends they're out shagging? What bloody weirdness. Can't relate at all.

This reminds me a bit of a family I know. Mum, dad and a son. Whatever mother is doing that day (even if she's away or busy), she always arranges her time, so she could come back home and cook dinner for her child, 'because he won't be able to, poor boy'. She gets up very early every morning (even though she doesn't have to) to cook him breakfast. She collects his dirty stuff and does the laundry. Irons his clothes. Etc, etc. Her 'child' is 26, a working fully grown man. And no, he doesn't have special needs/disability. Horrific to see.

Ask them what they would prefer to do. Stay at yours and make their own way home the next day or not bother coming that night. The only option they don't have is being taken home at 4am. Thats a non starter.