Leaving an 18 and 20 year old home alone!!

[Myfeetarekillingme]

Bit of background first, DH and I have a rubbish relationship with his ex. They separated several years before we met but she's treated me like the OW ever since we started to date. She held up divorce, demanded all sorts of nonsense. Luckily the step children are older so we have very limited contact with her now.

We have step "children" aged 18 and 20, five days out of fourteen which includes EOW. The days during the week vary. I've posted about this before and been flamed to death for suggesting this is slightly odd behaviour for two adults and that I'm a terrible step parent. For the record, I'm not saying they aren't welcome, just that I wish they would start to become a little more independent and stop relying on a child contact plan that was set up many years ago when they were children.

We're going on holiday the day after a 'child' contact night, we're leaving super early. I asked DH if we could alter/cancel/suspend the child contact night as it would mean them getting up at 4am and us taking them back to their mother's (no buses at that time) before setting off, meaning everything would have to be even earlier. He said this was OK. At 18 and 20 they should be able to be left alone even if their mother was not at home that evening.

All was well until the ex found out. She went batshit. Saying DH is irresponsible, uncaring, etc.

Who is in the wrong here?

I’m not convinced that all the posters who have written that they were living alone / married / etc at 18 / 19 / 20 are all that helpful. I was at university almost as soon as I turned 18 (young for the year) but it sounds as though these people haven’t had the urge to leave home.

I also haven’t seen that the children are unhappy at being asked to not come on their usual day (unless I’ve missed it), just that their mother is angry about it. It isn’t outrageous for a young adult to say “Hey Mum, Dad and Stepmother are going on holiday on DATE so have asked that we stay here the night before. That’s okay, yeah?”

I think that the thing about staying over is a bit of a red herring. The issue is more that these two young people don’t seem to have made a whole lot of progress from childhood. It isn’t awful to not have moved out of the childhood home (plenty of people can’t afford to) but it is weird to have to stick rigidly to the contact arrangements - I had thought these usually become more flexible when children reach their early teens.

It sounds as though the setup actually suits the parents (the ex for whatever reason and the husband because he can’t face falling out with the ex) but it is quite disabling for the children. In ten years’ time their peers will be thinking about having their own children and expect to be progressing in their careers. Sticking so absolutely to the contact arrangement gives them little scope to have boyfriends / girlfriends (even ones who aren’t serious) and will end up being weird to their friends.

I bought my own house at 20!? Is this real?

Dunno, but I bought my first property (a flat in Zone 2 in London) at the age of 23, without help, so it's not impossible.

Right, this is crazy. They should both have keys to both their mother’s and father’s houses and come and go as they please. I think what’s really at play here is you don’t want them staying in your home while you’re away on holiday. Time for a little honesty, OP.

My 19 year has just flat hunted and is moving into his second flat (rented, not brought). I do appreciate that teenagers do not morph into fully fledged adults at the strike of midnight on their 18th birthday, but even so. They’ll never become responsible, independent adults at this rate, if they are still being treated as ten year olds.

‘Sorry Jack and Jackie, we’ll have to skip your visit on X weekend as we are off on our hols. See you soon!’

Job done, surely? Just ignore the mother kicking off.

FWIW I agree with you about not leaving them to lock up, it would be different if they were staying in the house but I would just worry the whole time that they’d left the hob on or something.

God yeah, the not wanting them there while you’re on hols as they have no experience of fending for themselves. Totally reasonable. Posters saying you don’t like them are misunderstanding this point.

If they were being helped to be independent and could cope alone of course it would be different.

I hope by now you are on hols

Latent

But that attitude is what has lead to this situation

All the adults in their life are treating them like children, then they can't be trusted so they further infantilise them, and you get a vicious cycle and then you get a 20 year old who can't lock up a house

At 18 I had a 14 month old, my own home, a car and was at college doing A levels. Certainly a strange set up, good they still want to come but I’m pretty sure they can be left alone overnight for a few hours.

They aren’t children. They’re adults and should probably have moved out by now and have their own lives 😂

Can’t believe this is real, its too ridiculous.

Give them a key and tell them to make their own way home. Ask a trusted neighbour to pop in to your house the next day and make sure everything is secure, if you don't trust the... er... "children"

It’s not a contact plan, they live in 2 homes. They must have keys. Go about your daily and holiday lives as normal and leave them to it!

You are as bad as they are because you don’t trust them in your home.

You are all fucked up and need to start treating them like adults free to move between homes as they wish

Needsahouseboy - well said🤗

OP I hope you are enjoying your holiday.

Why can't they sleep at yours as usual and then be left in their beds when you set off? Surely at 18 and 20 they can make their own way to wherever they need to go when they get up?

WTF why do adults abide by a child contact order? They are both fully grown adults. I left home at 17 and was renting my own place and working.
This is the most ridiculous situation I have ever heard of. Tell the ex to do one.

How is a child care after divorce arrangement still in place when the kids are fully grown adults?

How did you even find this!

I wonder what happened in the end as this is a zombie thread.

👻

Ha ha ha. This reminds me of the time a 19 year old job applicant rolled up at a job interview with her mum in tow. 'If you could just wait out here Mrs X while Miss X has her interview'. Mum 😠

I know this is a zombie but I do not blame the OP for not wanting to leave these pathetic young adults in her home, if they were unable to complete even the most basic of tasks for themselves. What utter failures their parents were.