Leaving an 18 and 20 year old home alone!!

[Myfeetarekillingme]

Bit of background first, DH and I have a rubbish relationship with his ex. They separated several years before we met but she's treated me like the OW ever since we started to date. She held up divorce, demanded all sorts of nonsense. Luckily the step children are older so we have very limited contact with her now.

We have step "children" aged 18 and 20, five days out of fourteen which includes EOW. The days during the week vary. I've posted about this before and been flamed to death for suggesting this is slightly odd behaviour for two adults and that I'm a terrible step parent. For the record, I'm not saying they aren't welcome, just that I wish they would start to become a little more independent and stop relying on a child contact plan that was set up many years ago when they were children.

We're going on holiday the day after a 'child' contact night, we're leaving super early. I asked DH if we could alter/cancel/suspend the child contact night as it would mean them getting up at 4am and us taking them back to their mother's (no buses at that time) before setting off, meaning everything would have to be even earlier. He said this was OK. At 18 and 20 they should be able to be left alone even if their mother was not at home that evening.

All was well until the ex found out. She went batshit. Saying DH is irresponsible, uncaring, etc.

Who is in the wrong here?

Why do you expect them to act like responsible adults when you don't even trust them to be capable of turning off the lights and locking your door as they leave ?

Also, do they not have a key to the house?At that age I would presume they would so they could just come around whilst you are away anyway.

They are adults so it's not really anything to do with the mother what arrangements they make with their Dad.

The OP is not expecting them to do anything, she's made it clear that her dh and the kids' mum are the ones doing the parenting.

It also sounds like the kids cannot access the house without lifts, as no convenient buses (correct me if wrong, OP), so a key would be of no use.

I think this situation isn't of the OP's making.

No way would I want somebody irresponsible leaving hair straighteners switched on in my house while I was away on holiday.
As I mentioned up thread, we came back from holiday to find DH's 23 year old nephew had left the back door unlocked. For 2 weeks. It was very lucky we weren't burgled.
These young adults don't sound capable of leaving a house safe and secure.

Surely the contact agreement expires when they’re 18 or when they’re able to agree contact arrangements themselves.
This continuation of a old agreement seems ridiculous

This situation is absolutely crazy! I feel sorry for you op! I agree that they should be completely independent by now, I moved out when I was 18. Do they not have a key to your house?
My parents split when I was a child & we had 2 weeks with each of my parents but my step mum didn't like it if we strayed from this when we got older (teens) which I understand to some extent now (although I didn't at the time lol). By the time I was 18 I would just call either of my parents to visit them as had my own home!

Your dh needs to back you and start helping them to become more independent. How the hell are they going to cope in the world if they cant be left alone in a house for a few hours?! Does your dh & his ex expect them to live at home forever?!

I was left on my own at 13 when my father went on golfing breaks. Bad old 70s. I did fine. Your very adult step children will be fine, too.

God, 13 is a bit different!

Left at home alone at 13 doesn't sound great at all.

I can’t believe you’re still having rigidly enforced ‘child’ contact time with adults. The adult SS need to be told that they are always welcome (similar to a good friend or any other close relative) but the current arrangement won’t be continuing.

Ex sounds like a right treat! Let then stay and ask them to house sit, I'm sure they'd appreciate the time away if that's how OTT their mum is

They can be left alone, she's nuts and no judge ir law in the country will back her up. Ignore her

I was left for entire weekends from age 13. At 18 I moved abroad on my own

It’s pure neglect to leave a 13 year old on their own. 18 is a whole world away from 13.

They are both adults, the ex is being silly.

Just tell them you or DH will be driving them home the day before.

Iamthemumwhoknocks thanks for your input. Having been the step child for many years I understand how horrible it is to grow up feeling unwanted. I also have an adult stepson and I wouldn’t dream of treating him the way the poster behaves. The undertone of her clearly disliking these kids is impossible to ignore.

I think I’d be inclined to get DH to reply. Get a grip the children are in fact now adults
Same traumas from my DH ex. All works in her favour mental

I feel for you Op!

These 2 adults should be grown up enough to choose when they stay (with your agreement of course), and responsible enough to be left alone in your house. But, they are still treated like children by their parents, so they can't. Not your fault. Or your responsibility.

I'd suggest your partner gets up super early (not you) and drives them to his EXW, while you sleep on. Then he comes home, collects you and you go on holiday. If he feels the pain, then perhaps he'll get off his arse and resolve this issue.

Good luck!

They're adults, does a contact agreement even apply to them anymore? They're free to legally vote, get married, drink, drive, leave the country - what's stopping you from cutting all ties with the ex and discussing future arrangements with the two "children" directly? Unless, as someone has asked, they have additional needs?

Otherwise this is nuts, you don't need the ex's consent for anything, they're adults?!

This doesn't happen in the real world does it?

This can't be real? Surely they have jobs or study and are.planning their own homes soon?

They're 18 and 20 not 8/10. This whole situation is pathetic!

Unless there are AN to consider.

I left home at 17! My son is now 18 and we come and go and go away as we please the same as he does.
What nonsense! neither of these are children and are both old enough to be soldiers.

I feel like there is a simple solution to this. Don’t change your plans. Tell your DH that you are shutting down the house, locking the door, and leaving for your holiday at X time.

‘Kids’ need to be out, DH needs to be ready. If he wants to get up at the ass-crack of dawn to drive them home fine...if he wants to change their time to be there great, all of it is up to him to arrange and execute.

You then get to keep your time schedule and I would be prepared to leave without him and let him figure out how to catch up with you on holiday.

You are right, this stupid situation is his own making, so let him do the work.

Instead of discussing the problem with their mother, suggest your DH discusses it with your SC ( better for him to tackle the matter than you) .A child contact plan is made for children, not adults and doesn’t have any jurisdiction over children over 16. Maybe they will surprise you- I can’t imagine they enjoy having their lives planned for them by their warring parents.