Leaving an 18 and 20 year old home alone!!

[Myfeetarekillingme]

Bit of background first, DH and I have a rubbish relationship with his ex. They separated several years before we met but she's treated me like the OW ever since we started to date. She held up divorce, demanded all sorts of nonsense. Luckily the step children are older so we have very limited contact with her now.

We have step "children" aged 18 and 20, five days out of fourteen which includes EOW. The days during the week vary. I've posted about this before and been flamed to death for suggesting this is slightly odd behaviour for two adults and that I'm a terrible step parent. For the record, I'm not saying they aren't welcome, just that I wish they would start to become a little more independent and stop relying on a child contact plan that was set up many years ago when they were children.

We're going on holiday the day after a 'child' contact night, we're leaving super early. I asked DH if we could alter/cancel/suspend the child contact night as it would mean them getting up at 4am and us taking them back to their mother's (no buses at that time) before setting off, meaning everything would have to be even earlier. He said this was OK. At 18 and 20 they should be able to be left alone even if their mother was not at home that evening.

All was well until the ex found out. She went batshit. Saying DH is irresponsible, uncaring, etc.

Who is in the wrong here?

When I was 16, me and my 20 year old brother came home from family holiday that my parents were still on. We were at home a week on our own and to surprise them we redecorated the bathroom and brought new mirrors all with our own money. They need to grow up.

My 19 year old is at uni now, pretty much a fully fledged adult.

I wouldn’t trust him to properly lock up the house when I was away, mind you.

I’d let him leave under his own steam and ask my neighbour to pop round and check the doors and windows that evening. Neighbour has keys for emergencies already.

Couldn’t you come up with a similar plan?

As for the child contact continuing - it seems a little odd but if both parents and both ‘kids’ are happy, I think you need to make peace with it. No doubt it will stop when they get into relationships.

My son sees his dad as and when they want, it’s no longer any of my business now.

Just out of interest, what do you usually do with them on contact weekends? Do you take them to Macdonald's or the zoo and stuff?

I would not be confident they would switch off and lock up properly and as we'd be gone for ten days I would need to feel confident.

How is that not infantilising them?! You really need to get a grip.

Just out of interest, what do you usually do with them on contact weekends? Do you take them to Macdonald's or the zoo and stuff?

How is that not infantilising them?! You really need to get a grip.

Well given that they don't seem to act like adults in any regard of their lives I don't think is unreasonable for the OP to be worried about them locking up the house securely.

Surely it's not the best place to start with giving them independence trusting them to lock up a house which wont be checked upon for 10 days. If they leave a window open or a door unchecked then the OP's home insurance wont be valid should the worst happen.

Routine hangover! I'm not talking alcohol, I'm talking relationships! When people with kids separate and contact plans get set up it's a long compromise that everyone involved has to live with and few are happy with. The rigidity can help stabilise the situation and limit the separation fall out, but unless the ex-partners find a way to be amicable and be able to talk to each other about being more flexible, the arrangement stays suddenly fixed for years. I think what's happened here is the contact arrangement's outlived its usefulness. The children are adults. Perhaps it's time to talk to them about what contact relationship and time they'd like to have with both (all) parents and scrap the old one. I suspect it's no longer legally binding now they're over 18. Of course, the conversation about contact may open old wounds and make everyone feel vulnerable. It's so much easier to stick to the old routine because all parents get to see the kids equally. The thing is once kids become adults you don't see them as much - they have their own lives. It's always hard to negotiate this but it's a reality. Ask the kids though. They've been saddled with this routine for years too. They might be desperate to break it but not know how.

What @BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail said! Muppets indeed

I think if OP make it clear that her and DP will be leaving early for their holiday and won't be pandering to the whims of 2 adults they would suggest they stay at their own home (mothers) that night.

TBF to OP it doesn't sound as if these two spoilt children would be responsible enough to leave the home secure.

Bloody hell, if they wouldnt want to be left alone for a few hours anf can't be trusted to lock up properly there's been a huge parenting fail somewhere

OP claimed she wasn't and doesn't infantilise them, smilecheese. Clearly she does.

Ridiculous they are adults not children.Many children that age would be living away at universities in flats.Would be fine if they were 16 in my opinion unless they have Special needs?

How do any of us know how competent they are when all the adults in their lives treat them like they're 7?

You are all infantilising them. You don't trust an 18 and 20 yr old to lock up properly?! And it's you that's suggesting 'changing their contact time"

I don't think there's anything wrong with sticking to a schedule, it makes sure you always spend time at your dads. And it keeps dad's house like a home, rather than having to arrange to see their dad but not their mum, and ask, they aren't visiting dad they are living with him. Does that make sense?

I think there should be more flexibility though, it's weird to 'rearrange contact' rather than say "We are going away on x day" and then they just decide what to do from there. You are just as bad as their mum saying they can't stay when you and DH are away!

They also should be making their own way to and from yours, why do you feel you have to drop them off?

This whole situation is just really bizarre, your all acting like they are 10.

I don't think OP is being hypocritical. When I'm going on holiday for a long time, I like to be 100% sure the house is entirely locked, secured, all plugs unplugged, etc. I check it all at least twice and so does my DH. It's normal to be a bit paranoid about the safety of your entire home and belongings.

It's absolutely not the same as not letting them sort out their own visit arrangements. I mean, why don't they just go home the evening before?

They are not children. They are adults!

My daughter was on her own in the house for a week when she was 18 while we were away in Spain. Guess what? House and daughter still in one piece when we came back! I was working as a student nurse 75 miles from home when I was 18! And we actually were members of staff on night duty and everything as it wasn't an actual college course back in days of yore! One of my sisters was only 17 when she went to college 150 miles from home. My niece was 17 when she started college over 200 miles from home!

I'm at a loss. Surely they have house keys to both their homes, as they're adults? Why does it matter if a parent is home? They can decide which house they want to be in without parental interference.

My main worry would be wild parties in my absence, not what an ex thought.

Genuinely, if this isn't a wind-up it's one of the oddest things I've read in a long time. And on Mumsnet, that's saying a lot.

They are adults. How long is this going to gone for. Until they are 3? 35? 40?! They will be fine on there own. Their mother is rather odd

OP claimed she wasn't and doesn't infantilise them, Clearly she does.

Its not infantilising to not trust someone who appears an incapable adult with locking up the house whilst your away for 10 days. I double check the doors and windows before going away and so does my DH and we are both perfectly functioning adults. We both check so we have peace of mind whilst we are away.

We both check so we have peace of mind whilst we are away.

Exactly! I wouldn't want to leave my 25-year-old responsible for that and he has lived on his own for years and is not childish in the slightest! I just want to know I've checked everything!

So this continues to confuse me😊

These young adults have two homes - like it or not.

They still live with their parents, like a lot of kids their age, and so plot their time between being a pain in the ass at mums and being a pain in the ass at dads.

Of course they can spend time alone at either of their houses. Spend a nice evening with them before your holiday, then leave. Let them spend time alone in their house.

If you don’t like ho they behave when hey are in your house, speak up. Give them chores, say thy have to pull their weight. Tell your husband he needs to treat them like young adults. They could be living away at uni at their age so they need to start becoming more independent.

So go on holiday, and tell them to keep the house clean😊 - no parties. Like most parents of teenagers do. Stop overthinking everything

All was well until the ex found out. She went batshit. Saying DH is irresponsible, uncaring, etc

Bottom line is you're leaving at 4am and want to properly lock up and secure the house. So just tell them they can leave the evening before or not come. Their choice. Let their mother think/say what she wants. Just ignore her, basically.

Wtf 😂😂😂

Of course youre not in the wrong.

I owned a house at 19 for crying out load.

OP I wouldn't personally leave a teenager to lock up the house for me before I go on holiday, even my own teenager or step child. (This may be affected by the fact my own teenager is not very reliable!)

It doesn't matter to me at all that numerous posters were living with boyfriends and bring up babies and locking up their own homes at 18 or 20.

It sounds clear they cannot stay at your home alone as they would not wish to. It also sounds like they cannot make their way home later due to no buses.

Some people on Mumsnet seem to find it very hard to imagine children or young adults who are different to how they were at that age.

So they seem to struggle to understand that some would not feel comfortable in a home that they did not view as their own home, would not feel comfortable locking up for someone else (and neither would I!) and probably cannot be bothered to work out a complicated route home.

I think this argument with the ex will always be there even when they are a lot older so personally (and I am not a step mum so feel free to ignore me) I would get your dh say to them your dh is going to bring them back the night before. Explain why, they should be fine with it and understand normal life cannot always be scripted just so.

They can tell their mum that is what is happening if they wish to and if you and your dh don't communicate with her then her complaints will fall on deaf ears.

It seems clear she is using these adult children to pour guilt onto your dh, her ex. So just do not let her. Good luck.