Leaving an 18 and 20 year old home alone!!

[Myfeetarekillingme]

Bit of background first, DH and I have a rubbish relationship with his ex. They separated several years before we met but she's treated me like the OW ever since we started to date. She held up divorce, demanded all sorts of nonsense. Luckily the step children are older so we have very limited contact with her now.

We have step "children" aged 18 and 20, five days out of fourteen which includes EOW. The days during the week vary. I've posted about this before and been flamed to death for suggesting this is slightly odd behaviour for two adults and that I'm a terrible step parent. For the record, I'm not saying they aren't welcome, just that I wish they would start to become a little more independent and stop relying on a child contact plan that was set up many years ago when they were children.

We're going on holiday the day after a 'child' contact night, we're leaving super early. I asked DH if we could alter/cancel/suspend the child contact night as it would mean them getting up at 4am and us taking them back to their mother's (no buses at that time) before setting off, meaning everything would have to be even earlier. He said this was OK. At 18 and 20 they should be able to be left alone even if their mother was not at home that evening.

All was well until the ex found out. She went batshit. Saying DH is irresponsible, uncaring, etc.

Who is in the wrong here?

Sorry, just to confirm, you think that contact should be rearranged because you don't want them in your house alone? I thought you were keen on encouraging their independence?

Woah. I lived on another continent from my family when I was 18.

That's absolutely batshit.

It’s really not that weird for them to keep the same contact pattern. Lots of people like routine. This way, they know where they are and get to see both parents, without thinking about it.

Yes it is weird. They’re adults. Adults aren’t supposed to have set contact time with their parents like a five year old would. What on earth do their friends think?

I lived alone, worked and attended school at 18, the infantilising of young people boggles me these days. It isn't as if you are even leaving them for weeks - just overnight.

My youngest DD is almost 14, my 2 older DDs are 21 and 23. DH and I have left the youngest in the care of the 2 older ones overnight before and the house didn't burn down or explode.

This just seems like another reason for the ex to "flip her shit".

Fine for your DH's kids to come round as often as they want, but massively weird that it's on set days instead of just dropping round as when it works. And of course they can be left on their own. Because they are ACTUAL ADULTS. The degree of infantilisation going on here is borderline creepy.

When are they actually going to stop spending set contact hours with you and requiring overnight care? The oldest is 20. Are they still going to be doing this when they're 25? 30? 40?

Basically, DH, his ex and the adult kids are all in the fucking wrong. They're all barking.

They both old enough, they are not little any more. I work nights and leave mine at home. My 19 yr old was left for 3 days, last year when i got stuck at work due to the weather.

i was living in my own house at 20! 😂

She needs to get over herself. Her fucking ”children" are 18 and 20. They need to grow up!

Jesus, people have babies and live alone at 20.

I think there is a need to have a chat with BOTH the ex and the adult children to review the arragement.
You need to stop treating them as if they were 5yo and tell them that its up to them. (I would make an allowance for the 18yo if they are still at school preparing their Alevels)
You need a clear organisation on whwre they are going to live (Is the 20yo going to uni where you live or is he working? Why is he not living in hos own accomodation?) as well as a cler message about the fact its not up to them/you and them/the ex to organise themsleves to see each other.

Seeing the organisation, does it also mean that your dh is still paying maintenance for said adult children??

Amnd I have to say I had to laugh at th eide you cant leave an 18 yo and a 20yo on their own alone
I mean how is she expecting people who are at Uni cope? Because a lot of young adults at 18yo are away fom home, at Uni, starting to mke their wy in the big wide world all on their own....

Do CAOs not expire when the 'child' reaches the age of 18? I thought they did, unless the order explicitly says it's to continue for longer.

WTF. They are adults. Spend some time considering how all of you older adults have failed to raise them to actually grow up, this shouldn't even be an issue.

Another one who was living independently at 17. That's craziness!

Fuck me! I’d bought my own house and had a mortgage at 18 😳

The whole lot of them need to get a grip 🙄

Why are they still having pre agreed “contact” time when they’re grown adults? . How bizarre...

Why are you having scheduled contact with adults?
What does any of this have to do with their mum?
This is all a pile of rubbish. Both “children” could be married with children of their own, serving abroad in the forces, living on their own at uni....living in their own working (or not working).

Utterly bizarre

You just leave them asleep and go on holiday, presumably to make their own way home when they are good and ready.

The Ex is saying this to make you and your OH feel bad. And it's working.

I don't infantilise them, I'd be more than happy for them to make their own decisions and choices. Unfortunately their mother and father seem to want to carry on with this ridiculous process of treating them like children.

@Ellisandra my goodness are you my husband's ex? Do you really believe that adults should carry on being treated like children and that step parents are ALWAYS wrong, regardless of what they do?

Eh? I left home at 17, by 19 I was living with my boyfriend in the flat we’d bought having the time of my life. I can’t imagine there being ‘arrangements’ made for me or either of my parents or their spouses getting involved or communicating about what I was up to. I was quite often alone in the evenings too!! Very very odd. Are these your stepchildren?..

How do they feel about being told where they have to be on certain days, are they not in relationships themselves? Have you pointed out they aren’t 5 years old and that actually as adults there is no longer an EOW arrangement? What happens when they go out clubbing or stay over with friends. Baffling stuff!

Ask her what else you are supposed to do with grown ups?
Ask your dh if his mummy was still doing this for him at 20?

It's NOT their house - they're both adults! Nobody is obliged to support them any more.

Let them make their own way home after you leave, if - and only if - you can 100% trust them to lock up behind them/not invite half the neighbourhood yoof over for a druggy party/set the house on fire/leave the bath running.

See, it all depends on what sort of young adults we're dealing with, and there's no clues except that they've been babied by their DM for one.

I'd discuss it with them and cut out the middleman.

I think the days at yours is not that odd. It's probably just a routine they got into and feel works in that they get to spend time with both parents.

Are the otherwise generally independent? Are they working / studying?

Unfortunately their mother and father seem to want to carry on with this ridiculous process of treating them like children.

I couldn't live in a relationship with someone who thought that their adult children should be treated as if they were children. This will not get better as they get older.

I think there is a difference with just going to work and leaving behind 2 adults (I went to uni at 18) alone in the house until transport starts running and going away on holiday.

When we go on holiday we turn off the water supply in the loft (had issues when we have been here with overflow pipe "quirk",) turn off all computers, power everything down so it isn't eating gas and electric when there is no-one there.

I wouldn't want to leave that type of responsibility to two "children" who according to their own Mother cannot be left alone for an evening in an empty house. Talk about apron strings.

As the contact order is for children and not adults they can just see their Dad when he returns home from his holiday rather than this weird rigid routine that has been established. I couldn't imagine wanting to see my Dad and then thinking oh no I can't because it's Thursday and I can't go round until Friday. WTAF?

😂 I moved countries at 19😂

Is the agreement still valid since they are adults?

If they can't be left alone at that age, there is something horrifyingly wrong.