Leaving an 18 and 20 year old home alone!!

[Myfeetarekillingme]

Bit of background first, DH and I have a rubbish relationship with his ex. They separated several years before we met but she's treated me like the OW ever since we started to date. She held up divorce, demanded all sorts of nonsense. Luckily the step children are older so we have very limited contact with her now.

We have step "children" aged 18 and 20, five days out of fourteen which includes EOW. The days during the week vary. I've posted about this before and been flamed to death for suggesting this is slightly odd behaviour for two adults and that I'm a terrible step parent. For the record, I'm not saying they aren't welcome, just that I wish they would start to become a little more independent and stop relying on a child contact plan that was set up many years ago when they were children.

We're going on holiday the day after a 'child' contact night, we're leaving super early. I asked DH if we could alter/cancel/suspend the child contact night as it would mean them getting up at 4am and us taking them back to their mother's (no buses at that time) before setting off, meaning everything would have to be even earlier. He said this was OK. At 18 and 20 they should be able to be left alone even if their mother was not at home that evening.

All was well until the ex found out. She went batshit. Saying DH is irresponsible, uncaring, etc.

Who is in the wrong here?

Sorry, 3 yr old nudged me and posted too early.
Had the ex conditioned the 18 & 20 year old to think they need to be mollycoddled in order for their dad to prove his love for them. This can be really damaging for their relationship.

DH did not contact the ex about this, the 'children' told her!

He has no contact with her at all.

@Ellisandra take your step mother hating attitude away please. Every single thing I say will be wrong.

As if they still operate on a schedule. All the adults (precious dc included) should feel embarrassed about this situation.

The thing is, it’s completely pointless saying “oh I lived in Outer Mongolia with a £1million mortgage at 14 1/2”. The OP knows her step-“children” are too old to be treated like infants.

The DH and the ex are beyond ridiculous, but @Myfeetarekillingme obviously doesn’t get any say in the matter. I’d have to put my foot down and point out that he needs to facilitate contact through his adult kids, not through his ex. It’s nothing to do with her any more.

At that age they can be alone so no problem. If they want to come over and stay they can get themselves back to their mum's the next day.

@myfeetarekillingme what stepmother hating attitude?

I am a stepmother (to 20 and 23yo adults, actually). My own child has a stepmother.

Sorry cross posted

This is up one of the most batshit threads I have read on here in ages

You are all completely nuts! Just leave them in the house to go home in the morning when you go on holiday and fgs stop having contact weekends with adults

@Myfeetarekillingme As you've ignore this a couple of times:

WHY CAN'T THEY STAY AT YOUR HOUSE AFTER YOU HAVE LEFT FOR THE AIRPORT?

Surely they've just made the decision to live between the two houses, . Maybe they enjoy spending time at both houses and don't see the need to change it until they have their own homes

It's weird that they aren't just being left alone to make their own way home in the morning

I don’t really know what you’re actually asking then.

I second what orchidinthesun asked -

Why can’t they stay at yours after you’ve left for the airport?

Why can’t you see that you are being equally as unreasonable as dh ex??

This has just reminded me of when my parents went on holiday for a week when l was 23. My mother asked if l wanted my auntie to come and stay with me. (She lived at the bottom of the road). Which basically translated as "l want your auntie to stay with you so you she can keep an eye on you and report back to me". What the hell she thought l was going to get up to, l have no idea.

Every lunchtime when l came home from work (l worked locally and it was a 10 minute walk each way) my auntie was there, with the kettle boiled. One particular day l said that l didn't have time to drink a hot drink, as l had to go to a shop for the office coffee on the way back to work. She burst into tears (a 60 year old woman!) and left.
l ended up having to apologise to her (what the hell for, l have no idea) whereupon she said she wouldn't tell my mother what had happened.
lt was ridiculous. Another evening l had the girls over from work (all 20+, some in their 50s!) for drinks and food, and she turned up again wanting to know what was going on. The girls couldn't believe it. l was mortified.

l'd say unless the 18 and/or 20 year old have SEN, or other reasons not to be left alone, she's batshit. She sounds like my ex's ex who described her 19 year old to me as "a child". A "child" who was working, earning £16k a year. Some women don't want to let their children grow up.

Every time you start another thread OP, I wonder how you can possibly be have a shred of respect left for your DP/DH/whatever he is.

He and his ex are doing a fabulous job together of fucking up their kids.

What do they do all day?

@Myfeetarekillingme As you've ignore this a couple of times:

WHY CAN'T THEY STAY AT YOUR HOUSE AFTER YOU HAVE LEFT FOR THE AIRPORT?

I think I've seen your posts on this before. You are so far NOT unreasonable it's untrue. Adults do not need contact schedules with their parents. They don't need to be moving between their parents houses. They need to get their own houses like most other young adults. Or rent a room in a house. They're not babies. I don't know how you can be attracted to a man who still treats a 20 year old like a toddler!!

Don’t you want to leave them in your house when you leave for your flight? Can’t they lock up properly at ages 18 and 20?

What do these 'children' do for work? Why are they not living independently and popping in to see their mum and their dad sometimes?

This all feels really weird! I was living independently at 18 in a flat share with friends. I was living in scotland and my mum in the south of England. I got myself about the place, cucles,drove my car, got the bus, and if I wanted to see my mum I phoned her up and we arranged what weekend I'd pop down.

These adult 'children' need to grow up I'd say, and so do you and their parents

*cycled

OP don't these adults have a life of their own? Work, friends, social activities, drive?? By the time mine were 18 they were either still living at home and working, or away at uni. Those who lived at home - we didn't see them except for occasional meals when they got home from work and before going out with friends. They cooked their own food if they couldnt wait for me to get in from work tk eat with the family. Sometimes they arrived home before midnight if they had work the following day, or they took a bag and went to work from their friends house.

Stand your ground OP these are adults. They should have lives of their own not being shunted between mothers and fathers homes like children.

It's time they moved out, took responsibility for themselves and visit their parents when it suits them and the parent - for a few hours, not for bloody days!

In your position I would be saying, "We are leaving for our holiday early morning. If you're staying here you can sort yourselves out".

This is so weird. I moved out when I was 18. I didn't see my own non-divorsed parents EOW...! Just you know, arranged to see them around our lives like adults do!
I remember your other thread OP and I thought it was weird then so glad you're getting some more normal replies on here!!! I don't have any advice I'm afraid but good luck. Stick to your guns

Are you always this rude @OrchidInTheSun

Their home is their mother's, they choose this, they don't keep anything at ours, they bring their stuff with them each and every time. Their choice entirely. This has always been the case.

There was a time when SS asked if he could live at ours full time as he was having a lot of problems with his mum, we were up for it and plans were made, but he changed his mind and said he would stay where he is.

SS works full time, SD works part time. Neither have any wish to go to Uni. Both are quite young for their age.

They would not want to stay at ours if we were not here. Even for four hours. Added to the fact that I would not be confident they would switch off and lock up properly and as we'd be gone for ten days I would need to feel confident.

But it was the OP who started this particular batshit situation, this time.

Why try to put them off coming at all?
Why even be thinking about taking them to their mother’s at 04:00?

Why wasn’t the entire situation covered by their dad saying “guys, we’re leaving at 04:00 so we won’t see you in the morning”? End of.

OP was the one treating them like children here.

Only when posters are being massive bloody hypocrites @Myfeetarekillingme. You can't simultaneously complain that their parents infantilise them while saying that you don't trust them to lock the bloody front door after them.

You're all batshit and complicit. It's a horrible dynamic but you're not doing anything to change it.