Leaving an 18 and 20 year old home alone!!

[Myfeetarekillingme]

Bit of background first, DH and I have a rubbish relationship with his ex. They separated several years before we met but she's treated me like the OW ever since we started to date. She held up divorce, demanded all sorts of nonsense. Luckily the step children are older so we have very limited contact with her now.

We have step "children" aged 18 and 20, five days out of fourteen which includes EOW. The days during the week vary. I've posted about this before and been flamed to death for suggesting this is slightly odd behaviour for two adults and that I'm a terrible step parent. For the record, I'm not saying they aren't welcome, just that I wish they would start to become a little more independent and stop relying on a child contact plan that was set up many years ago when they were children.

We're going on holiday the day after a 'child' contact night, we're leaving super early. I asked DH if we could alter/cancel/suspend the child contact night as it would mean them getting up at 4am and us taking them back to their mother's (no buses at that time) before setting off, meaning everything would have to be even earlier. He said this was OK. At 18 and 20 they should be able to be left alone even if their mother was not at home that evening.

All was well until the ex found out. She went batshit. Saying DH is irresponsible, uncaring, etc.

Who is in the wrong here?

Do they not work😮

@WrongKindOfFace I really don’t think it’s that weird. I’m divorced, my 12yo has two homes. Not a home and dad’s place that she visits. The other day, she was saying she thought the GP record should have 2 addresses. She happily flits between the two, and loves spending time with her dad as well as with me.

Currently, Wednesday night is always a dad night. When she is 18, she’s not going to overnight decide that she doesn’t care about seeing him anymore. So she has a choice of having to actively manage her time - or just still to the same old routine that she’s used to. No need to contact dad to “arrange” to be home, let him know she’s eating there, or to worry if she doesn’t show up... just stick to the normal pattern. I think keeping your arrangements is just an easy way to carry on seeing both your parents without having to think about it.

As it happens I do think the ex is crazy... but no more crazy than OP and her husband for even thinking about telling his kids not to come to their own home, because their dad is going out at 04:00.

I don’t see why people are bashing the ex here when the OP is being such a hypocrite about the independence.

FFS I was living on my own at 16. The woman is fucking nuts.

@Ellisandra are you taking the piss? If their mum wants a night to herself she could, I don't know, go out? She doesn't need to stay at home looking after her 18 and 20 year olds.

Contact days for ADULTS sound bloody ridiculous to me. I'm divorced and I should hope that by 18 my DS will be able to manage his own time between my house and his dad's house. And I hope he has more of a social life with his mates than the DC in this post seem to!

FML! I’m only 43 and my DM’s gone abroad with my DSF, call social services as I’m a child alone.
My DSSister and DSBrother were coming and going between houses as they felt like it by that age. I was at uni, so a different situation, but certainly not relying on a visitation schedule from when I was 7.

That's daft. My dad was working abroad and I was often left home alone for a few nights from age 17 when mum was visiting him and siblings were at university. 18 and 20 are legally adults ffs

Why can't they stay at your house and get the bus back to their mum's later @Myfeetarekillingme ?

Or do you live in a house where appliances mysteriously eat power even when there's no one using them?

How ridiculous, why can’t two adults be left home alone? Is there something wrong with both of them that you haven’t mentioned?

OP, what does exw expect your husband to do with the 'children' on his contact days? Take them to soft play?

It sounds like it's your DP's ex and not his grown-up kids that are objecting here so it's best not to blame them.

It sounds more as though she's decided to feel hurt for them and to see this shortening of their visit as some sort of rejection from their father. There'll be all sorts of underlying emotions here and she might be projecting from her own feelings about her ex/your DP.

If your DP makes sure his kids know that he loves them and will catch up with them when he's back from the trip then it sounds fine to either drop them off the night before or ask them to make their own way home the next morning.

I lived abroad without my parents at age 18, fgs!

It's just weird that they're sticking to the old routine, they can stay home alone. You Dan treat them as adults even if their mother can't.

Absolutely absurd!

What if there was a fire?

My aunt left her 30 year old home alone once while she nipped to the shops - house burnt to the ground while she was out and he died. It's up to you but I could never ever leave a child unattended - you just don't know what might happen.

No, I’m not taking the piss. Don’t many people enjoy it when they have a night in alone? Yes you can go out, but it’s not the same as watching Netflix in your PJs without your two adult children underfoot! Or taking a 2 hour bath without said adults wanting to use the loo! Anyway, the comment about her having a night in was just a throwaway line about her possibly not wanting that night’s plan changed.

The point is - WHY is their dad telling them not to come over, because he’d have to take them back to their mum at 04:00? And WHY he is contacting his ex about it? I know if I was his ex, I’d be muttering “why are you dragging me into this? They are adults. They have chosen to stay with you that night, as per their usual schedule.” (which people may find weird, but it works for these 2, and why shouldn’t they be at their dad’s house?)

OP doesn’t like that the 18 & 20yo follow their existing schedule.

Well - I bet she sure as fuck wouldn’t like it if they dropped the schedule and turned up at this home - their home - whenever they wanted to.

She’d soon be on here complaining they’d been there without notice and more than 5/14 days, I’m sure!

There seems to be lots of posters on this thread who haven't read the OP correctly.

@BirthdayCakes

These threads are always split between the "by the age of 16 I was married with 4 kids and running a small country" and "how can you treat a CHILD that way, you know their brains aren't fully developed until they're 37" types

Yanbu, this is bizarre. At 18 I was home alone all year round! in my own home! I lived alone!

They have chosen to stay with you that night, as per their usual schedule

But surely an adult child would know their father was going on holiday and therefore it would be inconvenient to stay over the night before. Surely common sense should be applied rather than expecting they will be blindly following their childhood contact arrangement?

What a depressing post.

You say they’re welcome in your home but they’re not - and it’s shit. Yes they’re adults but a lot of young adults are staying at home well in to there 20s these days - it simply wouldn’t be an issue for you if they were your children not step children (and by the way they are not his step children as you said in the post they are his children).

I agree your dh ex is being ridiculous here but your post reeks of resentment towards them. I mean why else would you insist they left at 4 in the morning rather than staying and leaving later? That’s you being just as ridiculous. I’ve had this with my step mum and now have a really distant relationship with my dad.

*their

Why do you even still have a contact arrangement at their ages for goodness sake ! They are both old enough to be married never mind left 'home alone'

@Ellisandra at 18 and 20 they shouldn't need a "schedule." If you can't manage your own time at that age and need a "schedule" to see your parents then there is a problem. When does it stop? Do you see your parents on a "schedule" at age 40?

My DS is 6 and I'd be happy to move things around if his dad was going away on holiday (and have done in the past).

How ridiculous. Give them the choice:

1. Stay at yours as planned and be taken to their DMs at 4 am (ludicrous option)
2. Stay at yours as planned and make their way to where they need to be on their own the next day (fairly sensible option).
3. Stay with their DM that night. (Most sensible option)

Their DM does not get a say as they are adults now and able to make their own decisions (or are they?)

Oh my days.
Just leave the ‘adults’ in the house and off you go. If the mother doesn’t like that then they can stay with her.
I’m going away this weekend and I’m leaving my 18 year old and 17 year old overnight. They can’t wait! I’m not neglecting them or being irresponsible. I’ve done it t

Well, my 56yo husband has a schedule to see his 82yo dad who is in a home.

He goes every Wednesday because he finishes work earlier that day, and because his mum has a social club then, and because his older sister likes to go on a Tuesday as that fits with her grandchild’s gymnastics over the road, and his dad doesn’t want visitors on a Monday due to some regular thing at the club... etc etc.

It’s nice and simple for everyone to have a schedule, not to have to think about it.

Of course, nobody gets their knickers in a twist if it gets varied one week. But as a start point, it’s far easier to just have a schedule, than have to actively arrange things every week.

I really don’t see why people are being sarcastic about “contact time” and “CAOs”. As far as I see it - these young adults want to spend time with both parents, and sticking to the pattern they’ve had for years is just easier.