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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To buy a “family present” for SIL

217 replies

staedtlerpencil · 19/09/2019 03:13

SIL has never bought us birthday or Christmas gifts. Not even a card. MIL buys stuff and pretends it’s from SIL sometimes (she’ll buy us a set of plates and wrap one up from SIL 😐) but this is happening less since we thanked SIL for something and she didn’t know what we were talking about and MIL got embarrassed.

SIL has four children, no partner. We have one DC. Every year we spend £20-£30 on each child of SIL’s and get nothing in return for DC.

I begrudge this, especially as we don’t get thanked and sometimes even get complaints!

Last year SIL sent via MIL a list of what her children wanted. One gift was £40. We’d already bought gifts so ignored it but MIL was annoyed saying we were “the rich relatives” so should give more.

I’m fed up of the anxiety around Chrismas gifts now, so have decided that we will spend a reasonable amount on a family gift for SIL - board games, hamper, voucher for activity, subscription... something like that. It will save me having to find he time and money to shop for five gifts and I won’t feel I’m letting the children down.

MIL is going to go ballistic though.

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 19/09/2019 03:21

We have one DC. Every year we spend £20-£30 on each child of SIL’s and get nothing in return for DC.

I begrudge this, especially as we don’t get thanked and sometimes even get complaints!

YABU. Fuck the hamper. I wouldn’t give them so much as a lump of coal in view of what you described above.

As for your MiL, well, if she feels so strongly about it, let her wrap up a bunch of gifts and pretend they’re from you.

Is your SiL the favoured child?

Alicewond · 19/09/2019 03:22

I wouldn’t buy anything, I would message her and suggest you all quit with presents from now on. She can hardly refuse since she hasn’t ever, but it will make it politically like a mutually agreed decision

Original poster
staedtlerpencil · 19/09/2019 03:25

Thanks!

Yes SIL is the favoured child and MIL makes it “fair” 🙄 because DH works and she doesn’t.

I feel I need to let the children have something though. They shouldn’t miss out because SIL can’t be bothered with us.

OP posts:
DramaFarmer · 19/09/2019 03:26

Does she struggle for money?

DramaFarmer · 19/09/2019 03:30

They are your nieces and nephews and it isn’t the kids fault that their mother behaves badly.

Just get them a present.

But I wouldn’t be spending more than £20 per kid anyway.

MIL needs to stop interfering and trying to manage things.

NoSauce · 19/09/2019 03:31

What does DH think?

Mintjulia · 19/09/2019 03:34

If your sil is a single mum of four, I guess money is tight, so I understand her not buying presents. Fair enough.

But then she has no right to expect presents in return. Does she produce a list because the mil has told her to? The mil sounds quite controlling & manipulative, all that wrapping of fake presents.

You give a gift for the pleasure of seeing someone enjoy that gift, not because you’ve been told to.

Your idea of a board game or experience is kind, and actually what Xmas is about. Just ignore the interfering mil.

Original poster
staedtlerpencil · 19/09/2019 03:36

nosayce DH isn’t bothered. If it were up to him they wouldn’t get gifts at all as he’d never get around to it.

dramafarmer sort of but spends a lot on boyfriends and going out. She bad with money. MIL facilitates this with her handouts but that is none of my business!

OP posts:
Rtmhwales · 19/09/2019 03:37

I'd do the hamper thing and if MIL goes ballistic say you've decided to aggressively start saving for your own DC's future etc. She can hardly make comment then unless she's asking for your DC to suffer.

Original poster
staedtlerpencil · 19/09/2019 03:39

Actually, what happened before I met DH is that MIL would buy the gifts (only SIL and one child then) and DH wouldnpay hef nack. So it would probably go back tkbthat if I wasn’t present organiser!

DH will back whatever I do as he really doesn’t want any part of the soul destroying charade!

He buys gifts for mr and DC, he’s just put off by his mother I think as far as family gifts go.

OP posts:
Original poster
staedtlerpencil · 19/09/2019 03:40

wouldnpay hef nack = would pay her back

OP posts:
Original poster
staedtlerpencil · 19/09/2019 03:41

Sorry, typos, tired. Up with a bad cold and decided to make a Christmas shopping list!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 19/09/2019 03:44

When you give a gift it should be from your heart and without expectation of a thank you. I fail to see why her children should be punished because their mother is such a twat. It's not their fault. I would give to the children and ghost her.

BitOfFun · 19/09/2019 03:54

Buy them a goat.

MrsTishellsNeckBrace · 19/09/2019 04:04

Who complains the kids, the SIL or the MIL ?

Is the list written by SIL/MIL so not necessarily what the kids would like but what the list composer wants them to have ?

Kids can not help which knobs they are related to ... so I always give with a happy heart despite the unequal financials involved. I have the same in my family but kids always trump twats for our gift giving priorities. I do like to be thanked but acknowledge it’s a bit of a dying art these days.

Singinginshower · 19/09/2019 04:05

I think your idea sounds fine OP. Or if you could give them a £20 voucher each if you can afford it. Less stress for you choosing, and more likely to suit the individual kids getting something they want.

Blondebakingmumma · 19/09/2019 04:08

Don’t get SIL anything. If she asks you can exclaim “I’m so sorry I thought we were just buying for children. How embarrassing since you have bought me a gift and I have nothing for you” hold hands out expectantly as though to receive your gift

I would still buy the kids something small. Don’t spend too much on them though

snitzelvoncrumb · 19/09/2019 04:14

I think a family gift is a great idea, I would go with that.

itswinetime · 19/09/2019 04:20

I'd decide what you want to spend on the family then if you can find things they would want/enjoy split it between the dc and buy presents just for them! If not I would go for a voucher for for something the kids would enjoy! Let MIL go mad! Because it isn't about her! It's not about SIL! It's about the fact SIL doesn't even try with your dc! I would make sure your nieces and nephews get something they want (none of this is their fault) but that's the end of your responsibility!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/09/2019 04:37

Great idea!
Something for all the family rather than individual gifts.

MIL can go boil her head if she doesn't like it.

BlackCatSleeping · 19/09/2019 05:34

Just get the kids a chocolate selection box each or something and nothing for SIL. Even if she's broke, she could still afford a couple of pounds on a small token gift for the OP's DC.

thewayoftheplatypus · 19/09/2019 05:47

I agree that nothing for SIL and either something smaller/a group gift for the kids. Just think of a group gift they would really love- Thornton’s chocolate hamper, cinema tickets, a new dvd with some fancy popcorn/popcorn buckets and sweets...I agree that the kids shouldn’t be punished because their mum is granny, but group gifts can still be lovely

TomHagenMakesMyBosomTremble · 19/09/2019 05:52

I'd go for a small token gift like selection boxes for the DC and Poundland chocs and a cheap candle for her. I think that would make your point better than a hamper and the DC will still like the chocolate, hopefully.

Beautiful3 · 19/09/2019 05:54

Agree with the hamper and board game idea. Sounds perfect. I Dont understand why you would even feel bad?! She buys nothing in return!!! Every year we have always bought nice presents for the niece and nephews. We used to get very cheap presents in return for our children (even though they are wealthy and we are not), I still sent good quality presents.These presents never got acknowledged. Last xmas we got nothing for our children. So this year for the first time we aren't sending presents either. If she asks for more then that's rude! I dont understand why she is requesting gifts, its not a wedding?! It is not your job to supplement her christmas. If she complains this year, then its nothing the following Christmas.

Beautiful3 · 19/09/2019 05:59

We have one DC. Every year we spend £20-£30 on each child of SIL’s and get nothing in return for DC.

Sorry only just realised the above! That changed my opinion. Only a selection box each. Nothing more. Why would you, when you get nothing in return? Your child doesn't even get a chocolate santa in return?!