To buy a “family present” for SIL

[staedtlerpencil]

SIL has never bought us birthday or Christmas gifts. Not even a card. MIL buys stuff and pretends it’s from SIL sometimes (she’ll buy us a set of plates and wrap one up from SIL 😐) but this is happening less since we thanked SIL for something and she didn’t know what we were talking about and MIL got embarrassed.

SIL has four children, no partner. We have one DC. Every year we spend £20-£30 on each child of SIL’s and get nothing in return for DC.

I begrudge this, especially as we don’t get thanked and sometimes even get complaints!

Last year SIL sent via MIL a list of what her children wanted. One gift was £40. We’d already bought gifts so ignored it but MIL was annoyed saying we were “the rich relatives” so should give more.

I’m fed up of the anxiety around Chrismas gifts now, so have decided that we will spend a reasonable amount on a family gift for SIL - board games, hamper, voucher for activity, subscription... something like that. It will save me having to find he time and money to shop for five gifts and I won’t feel I’m letting the children down.

MIL is going to go ballistic though.

Personally I would buy a gift for each of the children, nothing for your sister-in-law. Shrug off any flack, if she doesn't like it too bad, she could at least buy your child a small token gift to open.

I’d just buy vouchers for a family day out. Think sealife centre, zoo, Lego discovery. They then all get to go and spend time together 😊

That’s all we ever ask for when we get asked what we and DC would like. Then people can choose how much to spend and we make up the rest!

I'm confused

How old are these 4 dc of sil?

I'd not buy for SIL but get small gift for her dc

'Hamper' 'experience days' all too much IMO you are meant to be winding this down, no?

Oh my goodness, it just gets worse and worse! I'm outraged on your behalf! I am gobsmacked at that level of rudeness and how on earth this became an established and accepted pattern of behaviour? I couldn't put up with that at all.
I don't agree with RB68 at all I'm afraid. It's not hard to get four children to say thank you for a present, if you've raised them properly. The whole lot of them are entitled, obnoxious ingrates, facilitates by your MIL passing on their complaints. What do they hope to gain by complaining, do they honestly think it'll make you want to buy a bigger and better one to try to get their approval next time? Honestly, I wouldn't get them a thing. They cannot demand gifts from you.

Don’t buy anything for SIL, just get a token present for the kids.

If MIL questions it, just say you thought you weren’t doing adult presents anymore as SIL hasn’t bought you anything for awhile (or never!)

I would not bow to pressure OP. I would buy the kids some new christmas pyjamas each with a selection box and throw in a bottle of wine and a box of chocs for the grabby SIL. MIL can just keep her nose out and mind her own business..How dare she interfere in your finances and dictate what you should be doing,I would be putting a stop to her input right away,

I would give each of the DC a tenner on birthdays and at Christmas and give SiL a bottle of wine or box of chocs.

Just do what you feel like in this situation, and sod mother in law and her going ballistic.

Back up,,,, you’ve never met two of these kids, a 20 yr old? Your Mil is nuts!
Under 18 get £20 voucher, Sil nothing.
How in all these years have you not met her kids?

The Xmas fuckery has started already. Absurd. What the hell do people enslave themselves with is this commercial nonsense every year.
If that was me SIL will be grateful for anything she gets and MIL can keep her beak out of it.

The youngest is 10 and you've never met that child and one of the older ones? That's really weird and I can't even begin to wonder about those custody arrangements! Having seen the age range of the kids I'd give each niece/nephew a card with £10 or £20 in and absolutely nothing for SIL. If anyone complains remind them you don't get so much as a card in return. I'd also make it clear you'll be phasing out the gifts for the older ones now they're over 18.

Absolutely disgusting that SIL didn't even acknowledge your childs birth. That would be the finish for me. I wouldn't be buying any of them and I would be telling MIL why if she asks. What a cow SIL is.

Whoops didnt read the tread properly sorry OP. You said if you didnt do it then they would get nothing cos your husband wouldnt do it,or something like that? Well if that is the case maybe you have a very savvy husband who can read the situation as it is,He sounds like he has got the situation summed up! Follow his lead would be my suggestion! He doesnt care why should you really?

Wow! The Christmas spirit is alive and well on mumsnet!

MIL can butt out.
SIL gets nothing
Kids under 18 get a token gift of your choosing. B &M do perfect things for this age group.
Over 18 get nothing.. Or if you are really goung down that route, B & M again.
It costs little to pop sweets in a bag for your kids but it just doesn't cross her mind to make the effort.
Hit the cheap shops for hard to value gifts for this side. Change the packaging if you need to...it makes it harder to value!

you are making it stressful!
just do what you said in your opening thread op
ignore MIL

Stop being such doormats. Honestly. Just. Stop.

a family cinema voucher

Tbh I wouldn't get anything and just say that you can't afford it. Just focus on your family and leave them to it

OP I have a similar situation with a sibling . Gifts are often heavily hinted at, then rarely acknowledged and never reciprocated. I will continue to buy for their child because I think the excitement of a gift from abroad is so lovely for a child but I do feel a total mug.
There are will always be grabbers as long as there are givers.

I think your idea of a board game, or food hamper is fine. Alternatively, a small(er) present for each child, but not SIL.
I was once in her position with little money and lots of nieces and nephews and found Xmas very hard. I did not want to buy presents for them, but my DM helped me and bought very small gifts for me to give. I realised that if I started early, I could find items to give, but it required some effort. So, I also think your SIL is out of line in not buying for your dc

My mum’s sister had 4 kids and im an only child, we used to do a hamper for them. A dvd, popcorn, sweets, a board game and maybe a couple of books was usually what went in.

But they never complained about gifts, my mum used to spend about £30 on the hamper because that’s what she could afford, but you can’t get a decent gift for £7.50 so she didn’t want to do individual presents. We never got my auntie anything separate

I'd get a cheap-ish family game all the dc could play, and I'd email MIL and SIL now and say 'From now on, let's scale down the presents we buy at Christmas and birthdays. Think of the planet! We plan to buy token gifts for the dc only.' If MIL kicks off ask her outright why she thinks it's fair that you buy presents that are never reciprocated.

MIL is batshit, having one rule for SIL and one for you. And SIL has a huge brass neck. Cheeky mare.

Seeing the ages of the and the situation with the SIL

• a family gift is plenty and is showing that you are acknowledging Christmas an them.
• your SIL could have gone down the route if the token gift (or edible/homemade etc,..) so it doesn’t cost the earth but is acknowledging Christmas. However, she chose not to.
• the dcs (Or is it the SIL??) are entitled if they think it’s ok to complain about size of the gift etc....

Those children (some of whom aren't even children) are entirely old enough to enjoy and appreciate a family gift. And if they are unhappy about it, they need to learn to receive gifts gratefully. They are not little kids whose lips are going to wobble that Santa hasn't been.

MIL needs to be told that this is how you are doing Christmas and it's not up for negotiation.