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Original poster

To buy a “family present” for SIL

217 replies

staedtlerpencil · 19/09/2019 03:13

SIL has never bought us birthday or Christmas gifts. Not even a card. MIL buys stuff and pretends it’s from SIL sometimes (she’ll buy us a set of plates and wrap one up from SIL 😐) but this is happening less since we thanked SIL for something and she didn’t know what we were talking about and MIL got embarrassed.

SIL has four children, no partner. We have one DC. Every year we spend £20-£30 on each child of SIL’s and get nothing in return for DC.

I begrudge this, especially as we don’t get thanked and sometimes even get complaints!

Last year SIL sent via MIL a list of what her children wanted. One gift was £40. We’d already bought gifts so ignored it but MIL was annoyed saying we were “the rich relatives” so should give more.

I’m fed up of the anxiety around Chrismas gifts now, so have decided that we will spend a reasonable amount on a family gift for SIL - board games, hamper, voucher for activity, subscription... something like that. It will save me having to find he time and money to shop for five gifts and I won’t feel I’m letting the children down.

MIL is going to go ballistic though.

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 21/09/2019 08:03

Just buy them a tin of Rose's. No more. It's a token gesture. The children are adults!!!

Original poster
staedtlerpencil · 21/09/2019 08:19

llady I’m sure a lot of MIL’s anger issues are to do with giving handouts to SIl. But she continues to do it.

DH once won a sweepstake at work for some football thing and MIL went on for MONTHS about how that was more she earned in a week. He also won a prize on a packet of crisps or something and again she went mad saying that SIl never wins anything. SIL hadn’t even done the competitions, how could she have won? Plus it’s LUCK! I had to tell DH to stop telling her anything because it was making her angry.

When MIL reduced her hours at work, SIL cried! MIL said it was because she could see she was getting old. Er no, it’s because she could see the end of the free money was in sight.

Yes, she is far too involved in her children’s lives. When I met DH I was told about her by his friends, she was THAT bad. She would pay for his friends to stay in at her place. They would get a film and pizza and a few beers, rather than go out clubbing because MIL wanted him home. When he went to university she tried everything to stop him going. Years later she blames me for him “leaving home”. I didn’t even know him then.

She’s a weird one alright!

OP posts:
Original poster
staedtlerpencil · 21/09/2019 08:22

Because it’s to do with gifts, I’m always a bit concerned it sounds grabby that I am upset they don’t give my child anything. Over the years I have spent thousands in her children. But it’s not about money. They have toys they send to landfill that they could pass on, they never do.

WhT can you do though.

I’m thinking stop the gifts altogether now I’ve read this thread again.

OP posts:
Jack80 · 21/09/2019 08:25

The hamper sounds a great idea, I wouldn't buy anything though if they didn't bother to buy for mine. We don't get presents for his siblings in my husband's family as we don't see them anymore at Christmas and they bought for us but not for our children at times or the other way around. We have separate Christmases and now just give cash to my mil. My husband buys a pint for birthdays when he occasionally sees his little brother and we will be getting something good for my oldest brother in law as we are all close and he will be 50 this year.

WilsonandNoodles · 21/09/2019 08:27

A day out voucher is a great idea. It will be nice for them as a family and will mean you aren't trying to match values with each gift while making a point to SIL and MIL that what you buy as gifts is your choice.

PooWillyBumBum · 21/09/2019 08:30

Just stop gifts. Idea SIL asks just say that you thought you didn’t do gifts for each other anymore and you didn’t want to create a sense of obligation for her. And smile sweetly.

PooWillyBumBum · 21/09/2019 08:30

*if SIL

combatbarbie · 21/09/2019 08:31

Stop facilitating the buying..... Tell DH his family is his responsibility to buy for.

Id be inclined to get the kids a family game and selection box each, not their fault really.

Unknownanon · 21/09/2019 08:35

Stop the gifts altogether. Talk to your dh, impress on him the manipulations and CF. He has to not cave and give MIL money if you stop.

How old is your dc? Surely they do, or will notice, you giving their cousins lots of things while they get nothing. That's not a nice feeling for a child. It's no different from being ignored.

Original poster
staedtlerpencil · 21/09/2019 08:41

My DC is the youngest by far. This year may be the first year he realises that he gets nothing back. We never exchange gifts in person so he doesn’t see that bit, they just get posted.

OP posts:
KatharinaRosalie · 21/09/2019 08:47

Honestly just tell SIL: "Oh, as you didn't get my DC anything for birthdays or Xmases, I assumed we are not doing presents any more. Didn't want to embarrass you when our family gave yours gifts and you didn't have anything to give back, how awkward would that be!"

Original poster
staedtlerpencil · 21/09/2019 08:51

Thing is, that’s been happening for years. They don’t think it’s awkward at all obviously. They must have skin of steel!

OP posts:
scubadive · 21/09/2019 08:54

Buy the children a present, doesn’t need to be £20-£30.

Don’t buy SIL

Don’t buy a hamper, shared present, children like to open their own.

Suggest to SIL she might like to buy your DC something small or would she prefer not exchanging presents.

fedup21 · 21/09/2019 08:56

Honestly, they sound just awful!

I would stop all presents and probably half enjoy waiting for the inevitable drama that was coming!

Just look incredulous and say she’s never bought any of you anything so why would she think she would be getting presents back?!

If you don’t, this will simply continue forever!

Nonnymum · 21/09/2019 08:57

I think a family gift is a lovely idea and very genourous in the circumstances. Don't feel bullied into doing anything else.
It is up to you what you give them if anything.

fedup21 · 21/09/2019 08:59

I don’t really see what any of this has got to do with MIL??

coconutpie · 21/09/2019 09:02

I would stop all presents. And that includes none for SIL's children either. Stop being a doormat - the presents are not appreciated. And if MIL whinges about it, tell her it's none of her bloody business and you're no longer buying anything for people who don't appreciate it.

SudowoodoVoodoo · 21/09/2019 09:03

These people are barely aquaintances!
Given that some of these "children" are adults, and the younger ones are in the more particular stages of late childhood/ teenage years where present buying gets harder, for this year just make the token effort of a selection box/ chocolates each and wean off if you want.

If your efforts will be berated anyway, best to be berated on minimal effort. No effort has been returned by SiL, only ingratitude. Why waste your time, energy on money on near strangers who will only find fault?

MiL is a stirrer. She's hardly set her daughter up on a happy fulfilling life. Your DH seems to have emerged from it quite well. Don't wifework yourself into guilt for people who aren't worth it.

Cocolapew · 21/09/2019 09:16

Dear god , stop with the gifts! I can't believe you would buy for a new boyfriend you'd never even met 😯.
If they kick off so what? Let them. No skin off your nose. Just make sure DH doesn't reimburse MIL for any presents she buys for them.

Sweetpea55 · 21/09/2019 09:56

A hamper for the family sounds good,,,Or a board game and some chocs.

When my SIL had her first dc i embroidered a beautiful sampler...bought a lovely gift, no acknowledgement or thanks.
Then it was christmas .,,,again bought a lovely outfit,,,,no thanks and no aknowledgement ,No gift for my own two dd's .
That was it for me,,,It was fairl easy to go nc with her and she is a horrible person anyway,

Cherrysoup · 21/09/2019 10:05

Message the sil to say that as she clearly doesn’t want to do gifts, you will do as she wants and stop the gifts from you. Keep mil out of the loop.

Lumene · 21/09/2019 10:07

Why are you buying anything for them?

MrsRufusdog789 · 21/09/2019 10:46

Ignore the MIL . Give a little card with some money to the children ?

Original poster
staedtlerpencil · 21/09/2019 12:50

Money to the children is policed by MIL! She doesn't let them buy what they want, so no point.

This is the thing, we don't want the children, however greedy they are being brought up {and we don't know if its them or the adults who are complaining}, to miss out but it's such hard work.

Maybe I should tell SIL that...

OP posts:
mary1066 · 21/09/2019 13:01

It's bad manners not to acknowledge and thank those who present you with gifts. If we want to bond & have a healthy relationship with someone we thank them for even the smallest things they do for us because we were in their thoughts in a warm & kind way. It strengthens a relationship & not doing it weakens it, in my view. Pity that some of us can be so mean at Christmas in particular. We can be even worse than Scrooge for life or reform as he did in the end. Personally, I become emotionally very distant with those who are unkind or have bad manners & keep contacts to a minimum. I'd stay civil with them though especially if they are family or friends. Neither would I get into having a word with them because In my experience, instead of improving our relationship, it backfires.

If I'm stuck with what to give as a present, I'll ask them for a list but would hate it if they or anyone else sent me a list without me asking for it. I'd even hate it more if a third person got himself/herself involved in it. Obviously, they are over stepping their boundaries.

From what I gather from your post, you seem very fair, kind and generous person that should be valued and respected. You are definitely my kind of person and I wish you the very best

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