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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To buy a “family present” for SIL

217 replies

staedtlerpencil · 19/09/2019 03:13

SIL has never bought us birthday or Christmas gifts. Not even a card. MIL buys stuff and pretends it’s from SIL sometimes (she’ll buy us a set of plates and wrap one up from SIL 😐) but this is happening less since we thanked SIL for something and she didn’t know what we were talking about and MIL got embarrassed.

SIL has four children, no partner. We have one DC. Every year we spend £20-£30 on each child of SIL’s and get nothing in return for DC.

I begrudge this, especially as we don’t get thanked and sometimes even get complaints!

Last year SIL sent via MIL a list of what her children wanted. One gift was £40. We’d already bought gifts so ignored it but MIL was annoyed saying we were “the rich relatives” so should give more.

I’m fed up of the anxiety around Chrismas gifts now, so have decided that we will spend a reasonable amount on a family gift for SIL - board games, hamper, voucher for activity, subscription... something like that. It will save me having to find he time and money to shop for five gifts and I won’t feel I’m letting the children down.

MIL is going to go ballistic though.

OP posts:
averythinline · 19/09/2019 14:18

Don't buy a family game/gift dont buy anything......just stop the madness..
there is no way a family gift/game will cut it and amazon vouchers arent for kids they will probably just be sed up on stuff

if mil phones and moans she can talk to dh....
and he can tell her he's not buying for them..

why are you making this a thing to worry about? you dont live with them/see them that much .......

Lweji · 19/09/2019 14:20

Start telling everyone that DH is in charge of presents for his family starting this year.

Easy.

Londonmummy66 · 19/09/2019 14:58

If you are going to go with a family gift at least make it one that you will enjoy - a drum-kit or tickets to an activity you know SIL will hate..... Then at least she will have good reason to complain (which is clearly what she wants to do).

InDreamland · 19/09/2019 16:23

How entitled, ungrateful and rude of your SIL and her DC. MIL needs to learn to keep her nose out of what is not her business - it is not her money to spend and also she has no idea what all your financial commitments are. She had no right to get involved in how you choose to spend your money and what gifts you choose to give or who you give to.

If you still want to give something because you feel it's the right thing to do regardless of whether you receive any thanks or your LO gets a token gift or not then do so but give on your own terms. You decide how much you wish to spend and what to give and whether it's individual or a family gift.

There should be no expectation or entitlement to anything. A gift is something the giver chooses and the receiver should be grateful someone has chosen to give them anything at all.

Drum2018 · 19/09/2019 16:30

It’s easier for me, I’ll get complained at anyway, DH doesn’t care.

Your Dh doesn't even care yet here you are wondering what you should buy. Why do you care what your mil thinks? Don't answer the phone to her. If she's at your house giving out just stand up to her and say it's not your bloody job to stress about presents for his family. Stop buying. Don't take shit from his family. You'll feel immense relief if you just back away from them.

francienolan · 19/09/2019 18:58

Am I a bad person that I am just...gleefully awaiting the temper tantrum your MIL is going to have?

FelicisNox · 20/09/2019 18:42

YANBU.

Make a hamper and include a decent board game, some chocolates, nice crisps, nice cake and maybe a bottle of something and if you're feeling generous, a £20 Dining Out card.

Your SIL is a greedy CF and your MIL needs to wind her neck in.

Your finances are none of their business and it wouldn't kill your SIL to get off her arse and go back to work part time.

Rich relatives indeed!

If DH disagrees with you HE can foot the bill for Christmas full stop.

sleepylittlebunnies · 20/09/2019 18:59

We don’t buy for our grown up siblings, all just buy for the kids. I’d have a chat with SIL and MIL and say that starting this year only the children will be getting gifts, that includes ALL the children including yours. I wouldn’t buy a family gift as that includes your selfish SIL. Just buy the 4 children a nice present each that you think they will like.

Eva2020 · 20/09/2019 18:59

We got so tired of the gifts bs every year. We announced we were stopping all gifts and cards n giving to food bank instead. Didnt go down too well at first but it's just accepted now.

sleepylittlebunnies · 20/09/2019 19:00

If I was feeling petty and felt that SIL won’t buy for my own DC than I’d buy my DC an expensive gift and label it from her Aunty.

Sasstal67 · 20/09/2019 19:42

We've stopped buying for 3 extended families this year. It was getting ridiculously expensive including all the birthdays as well. Tbh a couple of the families didn't seem at all grateful anyway and one would buy for 2 or our 4 offspring and not the other 2, despite all four being related in the same way, no step children etc etc. It's been a massive relief to me as although only related through marriage, I was always the one to do all the present buying. We did consider buying one big gift for each family, but it just gets too confusing as we were the ones who said we had to stop the exchange of gifts. A clean cut was much easier.

Original poster
staedtlerpencil · 20/09/2019 20:04

Eva2020 MIL has often whined that SIL will have to go to the food bank, although I don’t think she ever has. That is a good idea!

OP posts:
Original poster
staedtlerpencil · 20/09/2019 20:06

Sasstal Yes it is stressful. I admit I don’t like these people (the adults) so buying a gift for them is difficult on every level!

OP posts:
MrsBadcrumble123 · 20/09/2019 20:42

If SIL doesn’t believe in gift giving then I’d stop too. If you feel like you have to give a gift then yes something they can do as a family for £50-£100 max at Christmas is MORE than generous. After all it’s about presence not presents Grin

Fowles94 · 20/09/2019 21:05

My SIL is the same except MIL doesn't buy her bull. We told her when our little one was born that we would stop buying presents for her 3 if she preferred so she didn't have to buy ours. She soon changed her mind. Us adults aren't bothered but kids are different. I'd at least expect a card just so I know they thought about them.

Kate0902900908 · 20/09/2019 21:39

Basically im in the same predicament!
Brother in law and long term partner have 2 children (hers) and every year birthdays and Christmas we buy nice gifts endless money in cards and special requested holiday gifts with absolutely no thanks or acknowledgment EVER!

This year were saving for IVF so I have decided we will not be sending anything but a card. From us to all of you.
Done.

It's not about wanting something back but it's that they expect it... 😡

HerkyBaby · 20/09/2019 21:57

Give yourself a break on this matter. Buy an Amazon Voucher for a reasonable amount and give it to SIL at the beginning of December tell her to get the presents her children want and if there is anything left over encourage her to “ treat herself” That way she gets the stress of buying and wrapping etc and it’s 4/5 less presents for you to buy and sort .

niccyb · 20/09/2019 23:41

it’s your choice that you spend £20-£30 per child. You do not need to do this. I can understand if she is struggling to be able to afford things with four children and perhaps why the MIL feels the need to continually bail her out.
However, the MIL should not keep bailing her out and if she is not even acknowledging or getting a card, that is out of order. I would feel very humble if someone was spending £30 a pop on my kids. I would feel upset if I couldn’t return the favour and tell them.
You need to stop spending so much on them, it’s the gift that counts. Or if it’s causing issues, spend £5-10 on each child.

fedup21 · 20/09/2019 23:48

Stop letting them treat you like their cash cow. So what if mil is cross-what’s she going to do??

LiveInAHidingPlace · 20/09/2019 23:50

If your husband's not bothered, why are you?

They're his family.

angelfacecuti75 · 20/09/2019 23:52

Get the kids something but don't bother with the mum. Or just give each one of them some money , or something. Saves the hassle of a hamper .

Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 21/09/2019 00:18

Why are you doing this to yourself for, Gift card all the way £50 gift card for them all to share or £10 gift card each every year simple keep buying presents even if it's just one to share and you have it every year just stop it,
any thing ever said you can just say we got the baby now and we can neither afford or have the time to shop for presents for everyone so a gift card/cards is easier for us and nicer that they can pick what they want themselves as I seem to be useless at picking presents they like and appreciate with a big smile on your face

Katzia · 21/09/2019 03:07

Just stop with the gifts. They are all old enough for it not to matter. Christmas is not about gifts and commercialisation with overpriced plastic and shit gifts. Just say that from now on you are no longer doing gifts. Hubby and I did this years ago for family as I was fed up having to organise it and getting nothing in return that was even usable eg. bil gave me a small keg of beer😞, got numerous powder/ toiletry sets even though the givers knew I didn't use such stuff, Mil gave me tea towels. It just got to the point I said I wasn't going to do it and it was ended. Hubby wouldn't be bothered. Life is so much nicer now. Christmas without pressure.

Ilady · 21/09/2019 04:22

I see how Christmas can really bring out the best (not) in some people. Your mil is a nightmare who is far to involved in her adult childrens lives. Your sil meanwhile expects you/her brother to buy her children Christmas presents but can't be bothered to get a present for your child.
Since she can't be bothered to make the effort for your child I would not be wasting my money on presents for her or her children.
I know people who are on limited incomes but they budget, buy in sales ect so they can give presents.

If your sil is short of money why does she not look for part time work?
Is your mil not getting sick of helping her out always with money ect.

Fabulousdahlink · 21/09/2019 07:19

We bought gifts and vouchers for our nieces and nephews christmas, easter , birthdays. Some years we received not even a card.My exes brothers and sister never bought my children so much as a selection box or a cheap £1 easter egg .
We just switched to vouchers one year.then book tokens..then said " its ridiculous...now they've left school we'll all get together around christmas instead...christmas is all about family." They never got in touch to organise anything so in effect...the whole thing stopped. Took a couple of years, but it worked. Family CF are still CF. If they 'drop by' theres always a spare box of biscuits wrapped under the tree.

Not sure how old her kids are, but theres always a pic of the kids in a poundland frame she could give as a gift.

I'm sorry, but I dont give gifts to CF. Its my 'post brexit' economy drive...