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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To buy a “family present” for SIL

217 replies

staedtlerpencil · 19/09/2019 03:13

SIL has never bought us birthday or Christmas gifts. Not even a card. MIL buys stuff and pretends it’s from SIL sometimes (she’ll buy us a set of plates and wrap one up from SIL 😐) but this is happening less since we thanked SIL for something and she didn’t know what we were talking about and MIL got embarrassed.

SIL has four children, no partner. We have one DC. Every year we spend £20-£30 on each child of SIL’s and get nothing in return for DC.

I begrudge this, especially as we don’t get thanked and sometimes even get complaints!

Last year SIL sent via MIL a list of what her children wanted. One gift was £40. We’d already bought gifts so ignored it but MIL was annoyed saying we were “the rich relatives” so should give more.

I’m fed up of the anxiety around Chrismas gifts now, so have decided that we will spend a reasonable amount on a family gift for SIL - board games, hamper, voucher for activity, subscription... something like that. It will save me having to find he time and money to shop for five gifts and I won’t feel I’m letting the children down.

MIL is going to go ballistic though.

OP posts:
OMGshefoundmeout · 19/09/2019 06:02

I think a family gift is a kind and thoughtful compromise. If your MIL doesn’t like it she will have to get over herself.

daisypond · 19/09/2019 06:18

Family gift is fine.

TheBrockmans · 19/09/2019 06:28

You could suggest a day out somewhere instead. With or without SIL. It probably won't cost much more than the presents and can be more memorable.

I do have some sympathy with them doing a list though. Although it can be nice to receive random gifts, some of my family members feel that teenage girls should all be into smellies and make up, whereas my dc are allergic to most of them and not bothered even with the hypoallergenic make up. They obviously wash but would probably see nutella as more of a treat than some expensive body lotion. Gifts invariably end up in a charity shop because they just have very different ideas of what they should like. They would obviously be polite and thank them, but they would all end up playing with whatever ds was given. I can see that say if their dd is really into designer clothes and money for them is tight then it could be frustrating if you bought her a science kit for £40 which she won't enjoy as much as a certain top.

I think either a family hamper or joint experience is perfect though, as long as it is something you know they will like.

speakout · 19/09/2019 06:29

Whay are you doing all the "wife work" for your OH's family?

This is up to him.
Reverse the situation. Could you see him buying gifts for your sister and her children?

My OHs brother and wife don'r even get a card at christmas- that is my OHs responsibility- not mine.

AutumnFabreeze · 19/09/2019 06:47

OP, I get it. I have a CF'er for a SIL. She is late 40's, single and no DC. MIL goes ballistic if everyone doesn't fuss over her and most of our arguments have been over this. I don't even get a card off my MIL on my birthday but if you don't buy her DD a gift, you are hammered. MIL also expected massive gifts on her birthday.

Instead of causing WW3 again, which is what happened a few years ago when I said no gifts, I have done it gradually. So, if you are spending £40 per child start by reducing it to £30. Next birthday reduce that by £5-10 until you get to the amount you are happy with and stick to that. Also start reducing the thought. Buy them each a selection box to double the presents, don't traipse round shops looking for great gifts.

I am now at the point after 5 years where I am not going to shop for my in-laws presents this year. They have never, ever bought me a gift. If my DH wants to buy them something he can go and get it. Last year my SIL sent us a list of things she wanted. I walked round John Lewis looking at these lovely gifts (Bobby Brown, Charlotte Tilbury items which you then get a Christmas gift with, expensive shampoo sets, GHD) and I totally got the f£king rage with my DH on the phone. Why the F was I shopping for a woman who has never, ever acknowledged my existence on special occasions and buying her gifts I can't afford for myself.

ThinkWittyThoughts · 19/09/2019 06:52

Hmm. There's a lot going on here.

Personally, I would carry on getting gifts for the children. They are blameless. I'd do it because I'd won't to feel comfortable in my own skin.

I'd use the MN favourite "did you mean to be so rude - they're gifts" if SIL has the temerity to complain about them.

If MIL whinges about the situation I'd be blunt - "this doesn't concern you".

If your child isn't getting a 'cover' present from MIL on behalf of SIL, I'd ask why not given all the covering up MIL has been doing for SIL for everyone else.

Keep your head high, so the right thing, resist any pressure to accept shit from either of them.

Grainedmonkey · 19/09/2019 06:53

How old are SIL's DC. If they are quite young I would probably get separate gift for each as they would enjoy opening them, but I would spend a modest amount and certainly not buy a gift for SIL.

katewhinesalot · 19/09/2019 06:54

Get the kids an experience they can do with you?

katewhinesalot · 19/09/2019 06:55

Exclude sil on the basis "it gives her a break" - unless that's playing into her hands

Oysterbabe · 19/09/2019 07:03

I would still buy presents for the children as normal. It's not a good message to teach your children that you only buy gifts if you get something back. Money must be tight with 4 kids and no job or partner.

Cherrysoup · 19/09/2019 07:03

And if mil buys them something then tries to make you pay, tell her to bugger off. Personally, I’d be telling sil as she doesn’t get your dc anything, that you won’t do presents either. Easy. Stop doing the wife work!

Howlovely · 19/09/2019 07:03

This is infuriating. Bluntly, it's got shit all to do with MIL, who is she to demand you give gifts to this ungrateful woman? Why doesn't she demand that SIL gives gifts to you and your children also? I'd have to ask her why she is so unfair.
Definitely no gift for awful SIL. Token gifts for nieces and nephews and any complaints to be met with, 'I'm sorry our £100 worth of presents disappointed you. We won't put you in the same position again to save future embarrassment' and stop with the gifts. While giving gifts to nieces and nephews is lovely for them it sounds like they are using you to get maim Christmas presents. I couldn't ignore the lack of gift for my child either.

CherryPavlova · 19/09/2019 07:10

The gifts aren’t for the sister in law though. They are for nieces and nephews.
I think we should give presents willingly, with love and kindness because we want the pleasure of giving, not with any expectation of an equal return for our money.
I think you need to decide whether you want to give the children presents as it’s very little to do with either your sister in law or mother in law. It’s what you and your husband want to give to the children.

Nomorechickens · 19/09/2019 07:11

Small gift for each child. Obviously nothing for SiL. If MiL comments try to find a nice way of saying it's none of her business (which it isn't)

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 19/09/2019 07:15

If money is tight for sil I would except that she can't afford much but she could still make some effort and give small gifts. The fact that she does nothing would annoy me. I think your plan to buy one family gift is a good one.

Original poster
staedtlerpencil · 19/09/2019 07:19

speakout

DH does a lot for my family as he is in the business my nephew wants to get into, so takes him places etc.

I do the wifework present wise because the children would get nothing if I didn’t. We haven’t met two of them! (Complicated custody arrangements with three fathers involved.) Youngest is ten. Oldest is twenty.

AutumnFabreeze
All the trouble in the family always seems to start with SIL. MIL doesn’t speak to her sister because she said something about her years ago. We just keep our distance.

OP posts:
Original poster
staedtlerpencil · 19/09/2019 07:21

CherryPavlova

This is why I’m not sure about it. For 15 years we’ve given gifts with no expectation for gifts in return, but when I had my baby (by far the youngest in the family) I thought SIL would at acknowledge the birth as I had all hers. Not a thing.

OP posts:
RB68 · 19/09/2019 07:21

This is what I see

One family two parents one kid, good income nice lifestyle and can afford to give - just short of time and energy

One single Mum supporting 4 kids and struggling financially, short of time as ever with 4 kids, and christmas there is no spare money at all. Wants her kids to have things they want which A&U have been lovely about buying things but as kids get older they get fussy so given a wide a range of ideas some of which could be bought with MIL

No one is wrong, kids are not always grateful and with 4 can be difficult to chivvy them up to thank etc

Personally - get them a bunch of vouchers. I wouldn't buy for SIL and just say it seems silly, if she wants something for herself she should just buy it

Loveislandaddict · 19/09/2019 07:26

My richest relatives always gives the cheapest presents, so it’s not a given rule that the rich must spend.

Abouttime1978 · 19/09/2019 07:36

Hang on, the eldest niece is 29 years old?!

We stop presents at 18 from extended family members.

Seriously just a token gift each. If you haven't met two of them, they are hardly close and probably do t care if you buy them gifts.

DramaFarmer · 19/09/2019 07:40

I wouldn’t get a board game. Not for that age range.

I’d give each child a £20 voucher. Or maybe a Christmas card with a tenner in it and a choc reindeer each.

LellyMcKelly · 19/09/2019 07:44

This is your husband’s family. Let him deal with it. Why do women always end up dealing with their husband’s family? Can you imagine your husband ever doing this for yours? Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Original poster
staedtlerpencil · 19/09/2019 07:44

It’s SIL and the children complaining about the gifts but through MIL. She’ll say that SIL was disappointed because... or DN thought you’d get her the bigger size or whatever.

I think they are entitled and don’t see how rude it is. MIL definitely thinks our money should be used for family and I’m sure thinks we are mean that we don’t give it all to SIL!

The list they sent last year was definable done by the children but MIL knew where to buy everything. She was annoyed that W had bought gifts already because she had told the children we would get them 🙄.

It’s so stressful I’m beginning to hate Christmas shopping.

OP posts:
ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 19/09/2019 07:46

My sil is the same op but she didn't have kids, completely ignored mine for years not so much as a card for their birth, Christmas or birthday. When other sil her dsis had a child she got her a birthday gift and gave it front of ours I was furious at the fact she could be so cruel she didnt even met her nephew until his christening but has already met her niece ( her dsis child) when she was born after, I dont get her behaviour it's still her dbro children. Low a behold she got pregnant youngest dc birthday arrived nothing not even a card and when my dd birthday birthday arrived a month before she was due she suddenly got her a present and a card Hmm never got her one in 6 years then suddenly randomly got her one .I knew she suddenly expected gifts for her new baby despite the fact she ignored the younger who's a boy and then suddenly got dd, I actually wanted to give it back because she excluded ds but dh wouldn't let me. We wont be doing birthdays firstly she never made the effort and secondly she has continued to excluded my children which I find disgusting at Christmas her child will get a token gift. You do right in getting a family gift. Its appalling she expects such big gifts but doesnt get one gift for her nephew. Some sil are just selfish op and think completely about themselves.

Clangus00 · 19/09/2019 07:47

Any niece/ nephew over 18 no gift.
Any under £20 voucher.
Leave it at that.

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