To buy a “family present” for SIL

[staedtlerpencil]

SIL has never bought us birthday or Christmas gifts. Not even a card. MIL buys stuff and pretends it’s from SIL sometimes (she’ll buy us a set of plates and wrap one up from SIL 😐) but this is happening less since we thanked SIL for something and she didn’t know what we were talking about and MIL got embarrassed.

SIL has four children, no partner. We have one DC. Every year we spend £20-£30 on each child of SIL’s and get nothing in return for DC.

I begrudge this, especially as we don’t get thanked and sometimes even get complaints!

Last year SIL sent via MIL a list of what her children wanted. One gift was £40. We’d already bought gifts so ignored it but MIL was annoyed saying we were “the rich relatives” so should give more.

I’m fed up of the anxiety around Chrismas gifts now, so have decided that we will spend a reasonable amount on a family gift for SIL - board games, hamper, voucher for activity, subscription... something like that. It will save me having to find he time and money to shop for five gifts and I won’t feel I’m letting the children down.

MIL is going to go ballistic though.

MIL was annoyed saying we were “the rich relatives” so should give more.

We get this shit. I've put my foot down with DH now, no more. I'm not fucking Santa Claus and SIL wants designer clothes for her teens, or a mobile phone for her 9yo, she can bloody well go to work and buy it herself.

Its a cultural thing with us - the eldest son should help provide etc - a guilt thing as DH is in the UK and his family are back in their (poorer) home country.

Quite honestly OP i think your idea is nice and very generous, if SIL complains then say okay fine, we'll scrap gifts all together, good idea 👍

A 29 year old is not a child but is an ungrateful sod if MIL was right and she moaned her gift 'wasn't big enough'.

I would send a list over to MIL for your dc, to go to SIL. If she can, you both can. Then buy the children some vouchers for local cinema or something.

Buy a board game for all the kids to share and maybe something small for each of them individually depending on ages of kids - a book, DVD, art stuff whatever. don't buy SIL anything

A 29 year old is not a child but is an ungrateful sod if MIL was right and she moaned her gift 'wasn't big enough'.

Not that it changes the truth of what you say at all, but the 'child' is actually 20, not 29 (a PP made a typo). Still disgraceful, but not quite as horrendous.

What the kids are 20 and 18 ?? Missed this earlier. Don't buy anything in that case

Don't even give them a second thought! They aren't even your family, I don't buy for my husbands family, he does and I buy for mine.
Get him to tell your MIL himself that he's not buying for them anymore because they are ungrateful little shits

By buying your sil and her children (including the young adults) presents, you are buying into her nasty bullying game. This is a game, where you are designed to lose. You lose by your kids getting nothing in return and you lose by being berated for not getting the right present(s).

In essence, you are buying these presents in an attempt to appease your sil and avoid criticism. It’s not working. Quite frankly year on year you are putting your heads on the block year on year. The only way to change the outcome is to change your interpretation of the situation.

You know your sil isn’t going to buy gifts for your household. So it’s pointless sending a list for your ds. It will be seen as an attack and you’re not equipped to defend yourselves. You know this because you wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place.

What you need to get your head round is the fact that your sil will be pissed off with you whatever you do. It is time to do what suits you without reference to your sil and her children. And if you had a choice to do whatever you chose, taking feelings of guilt or obligation out of the equation, would you give anything at all?

If you would give gifts, give freely because you care about these children even though you have never met them and without expectation. If not, stop the gifts. Either way, you need to ignore the guilt tripping from your mil and any other reaction you may get.

As for your question on giving a family gift, I personally wouldn’t. Either give nothing or the same gift to all children. Give only to the under 18s only be it money or a voucher and definitely not a large sum. £10-20.

The youngest is 10 and you've not met them or an older child... in a decade!? It's so nice that you are still giving gifts but tbh I think you should stop or as you say do a family one.
If MIL complains just say you assumed you've been upsetting SIL with the gifts as there have been so many complaints and no thank yous so she's lucky to have gotten anything at all!

What a cow. Get her one of those goat/bicycle-for-a-worthy-cause-in-a-poor-country things. Sponsor her a whale or something. Say you've realised how anti-materialist she is since she doesn't buy you anything

I’ve realised I’ve dropped through this thread, sorry. Didn’t mean to turn it into a rant, I was just unsure in the early hours whether it was ok to send a family present.

I will do that this year and see what happens.

Dropped = drip fed!

• Yes!

Am so tired and full of cold!

I think a tenner in a card each or generic voucher like love to shop is more than enough but nothing for your sister in law

Send your DC wish list back. Make sure no item is under 100.

Tell MIL “I’m getting SIL & DC Amazon vouchers this year now the youngest is 10. They can have fun choosing themselves.”

Enter into no discussion about how much.

I’d give no more than £20 per child and fuck all for SIL, frankly.

Spot on, NoSquirrels. 'But you're the rich relatives and should give more.' 'That doesn't work for us, we have other commitments. It's Amazon vouchers/broken record.'

Basically, if you can afford the money of £20 per child without a problem, what the vouchers do is take away any effort, and any thought - which is good, because the thing you resent is really that SIL puts no thought towards you and your DC.

So, in my opinion, the ‘family gift’ idea would save you money but almost certainly mean you get horrible feedback having spent your time and effort choosing things, which will feel worse.

So just chuck the money at the DC and have it be a predictable gift year after year that you expend 0 brain hours and 0 emotional hours on.

NoSquirrels
That is a good way of looking at it. Op is too worried about a reaction and doesn’t seem to be able to get past the fact there will be one, whatever she does. The default position being she and her dh are wrong to have more money than sil.

DH isn’t bothered. If it were up to him they wouldn’t get gifts at all as he’d never get around to it....DH will back whatever I do as he really doesn’t want any part of the soul destroying charade!

So basically you CHOOSE to do the 'wifework'?
If you choose to be a martyr then don't complain about it.

Leave it all to DH and let them take up the complaining and games with him.

The children are 20 and 18?!?!?! They are adults, not children! Stop with the presents already!🙄

I'd not bother at all with the older kids and something tiny for the younger ones, nothing for SIL.

I’ll go for a board game and chocolates, £20 max.
If/when someone complains just say you didn’t want to keep embarassing SIL by giving too much when she doesn’t give anything in return. Actually you admire her attitude, so much better for the planet, she focusses on the real meaning of christmas etc.

Sorry but I can't believe your dh lets you run yourself ragged buying presents for his disfunctional and ungrateful family. Why doesn't he tell you not to bother? He doesn't care, and presumably deals with his mother moaning, so just drop the whole lot and be done with it.

Ok well why don't you just say you're leaving it up to him and he can tell his mother that. You will feel so relieved not to be involved with it all. Get through this first year and next year will be a breeze as they will know whats what then.

I’m not complaining!

I am simply asking whether one gift is ok.

It’s easier for me, I’ll get complained at anyway, DH doesn’t care.

The verdict seems to be one family gift or no gift. I’ll go with this year (Guinness Book of Records and a board game) and see what happens.

Don’t mind doing the present buying. DH would probably not bother and end up giving MIL money for gifts she’s bought in his name. Or rowing about it. Not gonna happen.