To buy a “family present” for SIL

[staedtlerpencil]

SIL has never bought us birthday or Christmas gifts. Not even a card. MIL buys stuff and pretends it’s from SIL sometimes (she’ll buy us a set of plates and wrap one up from SIL 😐) but this is happening less since we thanked SIL for something and she didn’t know what we were talking about and MIL got embarrassed.

SIL has four children, no partner. We have one DC. Every year we spend £20-£30 on each child of SIL’s and get nothing in return for DC.

I begrudge this, especially as we don’t get thanked and sometimes even get complaints!

Last year SIL sent via MIL a list of what her children wanted. One gift was £40. We’d already bought gifts so ignored it but MIL was annoyed saying we were “the rich relatives” so should give more.

I’m fed up of the anxiety around Chrismas gifts now, so have decided that we will spend a reasonable amount on a family gift for SIL - board games, hamper, voucher for activity, subscription... something like that. It will save me having to find he time and money to shop for five gifts and I won’t feel I’m letting the children down.

MIL is going to go ballistic though.

Thank you for your kind words!

MIL's attitude to people who do stuff for her is that they enjoy doing it, so she must think they don't need thanks. Seriously. She once told me that it was easy for me because I enjoy doing housework... I said I didn't and she looked really surprised and said "But you do it!"

I wouldn’t send anything and you need to stand up to MIL, write a list and keep it near for when she calls to complain, then you have a reference of all the times SIL has been ungrateful

Tell her the banks closed

Op. Just stop. So much angst for people who don’t give a toss about you and your family. Why on earth are you continuing to think of many and varied ways to still give presents to unappreciative SIL and her DC. Just stop. She and MIL really haven’t a leg to stand on as you get no thanks and no presents! It’s madness and you don’t want your child to grow up thinking such one-sided behaviour is normal do you?

Selection boxes are fab, I used to love them as a child. One of those each and job done, nice and fairly cheap too. Kids won’t mind, chocolate what’s not to like.

I would have no part of this nonsense of giving presents on behalf of others. I have one in my family thinks I am going to buy all the presents on their behalf as well. Nope fuck off, buy your own.

They both sound like very hard work - SIL may be doing the complaining, but equally MIL might be using her name to complain on her behalf if she thinks your DH and you aren't being fair to her.

You'll never know which, unless you talk directly to SIL, but by all accounts there's little point as she doesn't seem (from what you've said) to be remotely embarrassed to be living on handouts from her mum and taking from her brother without return.

I take back my previous agreement of one family present and would go instead with "No present at all" as you've never once had one back for your child.

If any comment is made, a simple "Oh I thought we weren't doing presents any more since my child hasn't ever received one" should shut them up. And if it doesn't, well then you just say "sorry, but fair's fair - if my DC doesn't get anything, then neither do hers".

I KNOW it's not about giving to receive, and I know you know that too, but they're just completely taking the piss and it's about time Someone pointed it out to them!

Tell mil that when sil starts to remember to bother with your dc you may consider looking at her list but until then they will get what their bloody given if you decide to bother. I suggest something like a cinema gift card that can be used towards tickets to see a film. They can't moan about that they get to decide what film to use it for. If mil calls you the rich ones again call sil the tight one. She has one extra child to buy for but does not bother yet has the nerve to send you a list of what her kids want and mist likely the most expensive items on their lists too.

Four selection boxes.

Get them a dvd of Gavin and Stacey Xmas special.
Then do a Nessa and individually wrap up a chocolate from a box of Celebrations for each of them. "Hey, SIL, you got a Snickers, crackin'"

I'd buy the kids a cinema voucher, a bag of popcorn and some chocolate and wrap it in cellophane like a mini hamper. It looks really thoughtful but actually is cheap, cheerful and easy. If MIL kicks off, I'd make out like was really hurt, claim loads of effort went to making the present and announce I wasnt bothering anymore seeing as I cant get it right and then Id flounce. But then, im a bitch when it comes to stuff like this.

My aunt was a bit like this when her kids were young. She has four and would send out a massive list for each of them, all things costing £15-20+ (and this was 10-20 years ago). She did buy our family a gift but it was always a ‘family gift’ like a board game or some biscuits so in the end my parents started doing the same.

Just stop buying presents. Your child gets nothing and you've not even met some of hers. It's madness to continue as you have been.

If you are now inclined to buy nothing, do so. When it all kicks off, you can categorically respond you are protecting your dc. You don’t want them to feel anxious about cousins they never see and never hear from. That deflects blame from you and circumvents the arguments around your money, present buying etiquette and reciprocation.

I would carry on buying for the younger DN until they are 16, but scale back massively on the £ spent.

TBH we can probably suggest suitable store gift vouchers so they can at least choose what they want!

Oh and send MIL and SIL a list of toys your DC want!!!

Our family found that buying Christmas presents for adults was an unnecessary expense at a very costly time and we all agreed to only buy for relations children until they reached 21. Everyone got a birthday pressie as these were more spread out and easier to budget for. Maybe your SIL would welcome such an arrangement- especially if she’s short of cash.

I've stopped buying Christmas presents for anyone apart from my own children and DH. For siblings/nephews/parents etc, we have a nice get together instead. I feel so much better knowing that no one is buying crap none of us really need and it has made Christmas completely stress free. I recommend it!

Gifts for the nieces/nephews but no gift for SIL. But keep them modest so you don't feel taken advantage. MIL probably gets your DC a gift 'from SIL' as well as from herself, and you should continue sending thank you notes for those gifts in the hope that your SIL (or maybe her kids) will eventually understand good manners.