To buy a “family present” for SIL

[staedtlerpencil]

SIL has never bought us birthday or Christmas gifts. Not even a card. MIL buys stuff and pretends it’s from SIL sometimes (she’ll buy us a set of plates and wrap one up from SIL 😐) but this is happening less since we thanked SIL for something and she didn’t know what we were talking about and MIL got embarrassed.

SIL has four children, no partner. We have one DC. Every year we spend £20-£30 on each child of SIL’s and get nothing in return for DC.

I begrudge this, especially as we don’t get thanked and sometimes even get complaints!

Last year SIL sent via MIL a list of what her children wanted. One gift was £40. We’d already bought gifts so ignored it but MIL was annoyed saying we were “the rich relatives” so should give more.

I’m fed up of the anxiety around Chrismas gifts now, so have decided that we will spend a reasonable amount on a family gift for SIL - board games, hamper, voucher for activity, subscription... something like that. It will save me having to find he time and money to shop for five gifts and I won’t feel I’m letting the children down.

MIL is going to go ballistic though.

Bookworm4 It’s complicated! A combination of SIL having two children already when I met DH, us working away, SIL being estranged from the family for a while because MIL didn’t like her new partner or his parents. SIL had two more children with this guy then split up and so custody and visiting is limited times as there stepfathers and grandfathers and fathers families to accommodate and we live a long way away and SIL is just not the hosting type. When she got her own home she never invited us. So unless we invited her here we don’t see her and our place isn’t big enough to put her larger family up and we have a baby now.

You are doing that classic thing I do and overthinking things. By not getting SIL present what’s the worst that will happen- the wrath of MIL? Even when you do make the effort it’s never good enough anyway so why make all the effort.

Especially with the wide age range of kids I agree with everyone who says hamper/vouchers for family day out

Originally I was going to say just get a family gift but given your updates I think I'd stop.

We have a similar set up, some of dhs siblings haven't even seen my 8 year old. Sil is a single mum subsidised by mil.

I vowed right from first being with dh that I wouldn't do his gift buying so as a result his side of the family get nothing. i felt guilty for years but don't anymore. I do get something for mil "from the kids" as I can't let her have nothing but I dont feel bad about people I never see even if we are perceived to have more money than some. Mil doesn't really know how much we have just assumed...

Think how liberating and free you'd feel to buy christmas gifts only for those you get pleasure from. If mil goes "ballistic" you only need to tell her what you've told us. If left to dh you'd get nothing added to the fact the kids are older, have been ungrateful in the past, you get nothing in return not even an acknowledgement of your dc birth!

Theres so many threads like this these days. It is a way mothers and mothering laws try to co trol the next generation I think, people can't accept that some people think differently about gift giving to others.

Your mil has no right to dictate what you buy someone else especially when she isn't doing the same the other way round

Yeah I'd definitely still get the kids something & then get your MIL a pop up book of the Christmas story coupled with a passive aggressive speech about the meaning of Xmas and how over commercialised it's become😂 (sorry I think I'm letting my own in-law experiences filter through & impact my impartiality!😂🙄)

God reading your updates just stop. We have a similar theme in my family where because some members choose not to work (and with a youngest child of 10, your sil is choosing not to work) they think we should share our money. If her kids want stuff she (and they) needs to get a job. Stop buying anything.

It’s SIL and the children complaining about the gifts but through MIL. She’ll say that SIL was disappointed because... or DN thought you’d get her the bigger size or whatever.

Are you SURE these comments were meant to reach your ears? Is it possible SIL thought she was having a private moan to her mum, and that was passed on to you without her knowledge? Or even that MIL is exaggerating or making some of it up? Your MIL does seem to have some strong views about what other people should do...

It sounds to me like MIL is a big part of the problem here. Next time she says such a thing, you could tell her firmly, "I am sure SIL wouldn't be so ungrateful. Please don't say such things. If she wants to discuss gifts with me she will do it herself."

Whether your SIL is or isn't complaining, MIL shouldn't be passing it on to you! If you were inclined to give gifts to SIL and her family, it would be unfortunate to stop doing so based on MIL's gossip, which may not even be true.

Have just read your updates. You haven't even met two of the dc, yet they apparently criticise your presents?? Fuck that.

Stop buyng anything. Tell your MIL to butt out.

Keep it simple. Family board game or the like and a tin of quality street, maybe a bottle of plonk for SIL. I give teenagers and young adult nieces and nephews something pampering but cheap - eye-shadow palette, skincare, nail polish or lippies. Wee ones its bath stuff, games, books, maybe a hair accessory or a suitable toy. Max tenner per person. We don't do lists at all, just pick wee things we think they'd enjoy using or eating.

Wow! The Christmas spirit is alive and well on mumsnet!

The Christmas spirit is not about commercialism.

What the hell do people enslave themselves with is this commercial nonsense every year.

Exactly madcatladyforever. I cannot stand it and the obscene amount of money invested in it every year. Our eldest who lives abroad has just said, let's forget the present buying stuff, we cannot be bothered with it, we can have our own celebration with dinner and drinks when we meet up (halfway)in January.

PS set your own budget. Its not up to anyone else to spend your money for you, and MIL sounds like that's what she's trying to do.

It's the expectation and entitlement that is annoying. The op wouldn't expect the sil to spend loads of money she hasn't got, on reciprocating presents, however a token gift or a small homemade gift would be fine. Even a card. Or an acknowledgment of the situation with a "please don't buy for us as we can't reciprocate"
Then the op would continue giving in the spirit of
I think we should give presents willingly, with love and kindness because we want the pleasure of giving, not with any expectation of an equal return for our money.

Sewrainbow yes it sounds similar. People are always shocked that we haven’t met all of SIL’s children (none of DH’s siblings have seen ours either) but some families are just not normal!

I'd do £40 cinema voucher for the family and maybe a board game for something to open.
Any complaints and/or no thanks then no present at all next year.

What is going on with MIL? Why is she so besotted with her daughter and covering up for her etc.

It’s none of her business what you get SIL which is precisely nothing. I hope. It’s really silly to keep buying for people who don’t back. Even if you have no money you can get very small gifts or draw a card.

Just stop.

We have a similar situation. Buy and spend a lot on the kids cousins gifts every xmas and birthday. This summer 3 out of 4 aunties/uncles knew it wss our dd birthday and didn't so much send a card. Our dd is 9 and she knew they all couldn't be bothered.

I am sick of gathering the gifts, storing them and finally getting them to them (we all don't live locally to one another so its either a meet up or post). From now on its a set bank transfear for each family. We think £50/£60 for each family...for 2/3 kids and themselves. Also I don't even know what the kids are into. For birthdays I will do gifts. Only birthdays from now on. Looking forward to concentrating on my own kids at xmas now! Anyway that's what I would do op. Maybe christmas chocolate and a little thing each and do a bank transfear. Individual gifts bought and wrapped by you for birthdays.

because DH works and she doesn’t.
Her youngest is 10 and eldest is an adult! How about she gets a job then.

Definitely nothing for SIL. Even when I was poor a a church mouse, I managed to do some token presents, she's just rude and entitled. And especially when they all whine about the presents anyway.

If MIL sends a complaint after this year, you need to speak up, and tell her, "I am sick of the complaints - these are GIFTS. From now on, I will get SIL exactly what she got me the last 10 years (ie nothing)."

I think you should pre-empt lists being given by putting up on FB or similar, or dropping into conversation with MIL how happy you are that you have finished your Xmas shopping already.
Then when a list appears, you just hand it back and say "oh, no, I have already finished my shoppping".

She's a single mother with 4 kids and you're complaining she doesn't buy you all Christmas presents? I'm a married mum of one child and I don't think even we will be able to afford gifts for relatives this year. Maybe she isn't in a financial position to treat all 4 of her children to nice presents and all her relatives as well?

Stop being such doormats. Honestly. Just. Stop.

This. Family gift or small gift for those children who are actually children and not adults. SIL gets nothing and just refuse to engage with your MIL, it's nothing to do with her.

If she has 20 yr old living at home and the youngest is 10 (so year 6?) - she can go back to work and earn her own money surely.

20 year old can watch the 10 year old for a few hours each evening.

katewhinesalot exactly.

MIL is storing lots of SIL’s baby things at her house and amongst them are some toys from TV programme that is no longer broadcast on live tv. My child loves this programme and they all know it. That’s how we know about the toys. But would it occur to SIL to give them to us? No way. These aren’t available in the shops but in MIL’s loft they will stay until they go for landfill.

tbh you don't know SIL is complaining. You know that MIL is telling you that.
It's all too angst-ridden. It doesn't need to be. You set your own present-buying criteria.
I would still buy for the DCs and I'd buy for SIL too because, regardless of MIL and SIL being difficult, SIL is a single parent with 4 DCs. And it's nice to be kind. Choosing gifts on any other basis (eg to get back at them for negative comments; to do a tit for tat because they don't buy for you) seems to entirely defeat the point of gift buying for me. But that's my criteria. You need to set your own irrespective of all the drama. Ultimately you're setting an example for your DC. How would you want them to approach a similar situation?

Maybe she isn't in a financial position to treat all 4 of her children to nice presents and all her relatives as well?

But she is in a position to be grateful for gifts received, and to teach her children that it's polite to thank the giver when you receive a gift, even if it's not perfect.

The MIL is also to blame here, who in their right mind tells people that there were complaints about gifts given to other family members, and thinks they can dictate how much others spend?

bubsworth no I am not complaining about that. I’m asking whether I should send one family gift instead of five gifts (6 if SIL has a big at the time, none of whom we’ve met either!)

KatharinaRosalie SIL has never worked, pregnant from school and always been a SAHM via benefits, living with MIL, money from the fathers, whatever. Family members seem to take her and children on holiday occasionally.

Has a big = has a boyfriend