MIL situation

[readingismycardio]

Hi everyone,

Sorry, long!

i've name changed as I don't want this to be linked to my usual username. I am a long time lurker and poster, though.

Me and my DP (soon to be DH) of 2.5 years have an amazing relationship, nothing to complain about. His parents live about 3 hours away and my DP also has a brother that lives in the same city as PIL. Said brother and his wife are completely manipulated by PIL (take me there, bring me back, wash my windows, have 4849202 meals at our house, etc). Obviously, this is not my problem, I am just trying to point out how manipulative PIL are.

We visit them once every 2 months for the weekend (quite a lot for me but hey ho), and DP is calling them roughly 3 times a week (once every 2 days or so).

My relationship with them is strained at best. They have no boundaries, have made comments about my weight in the past (I went from size 8 to size 10 and now back to size 8, so by no means overweight!), MIL came to visit for almost 2 weeks and made a mess out of our house (never once intended to clean her mess!), and they insist on coming every year before Christmas to "bring presents" (really, really, cheap stuff that she buys quickly to get rid of the task and I end up looking for charity shops to donate). when they come they expect to be fed, taken out, cleaned after. Ok, I'll move past this as this has not pissed me off THAT bad so far.

Another fact that pisses me off terribly is: we're getting maried. We pay for all of it and have not even thought to ask for money. But they never offered anyway. Whereas BIL and SIL had their wedding paid by them and also got £1000 as a gift. I find this quite weird

Main problem is and also my AIBU: she expects (and has said it in repeated times) for me to call her weekly. This wouldn't be a problem in itself, but she keeps talking and talking and talking for an hour. Now: I am busy. I work a lot and I am in the middle of doing my second university degree which is way harder when you're not 18 anymore. I don't have an hour to hear her ranting random stuff and ask inappropriate questions.

She kept complaining for ages that I don't call her and a few days ago shit hit the fan, and when my DP called his father he asked "so when is she going to call us?" DP said "she will" and his DF kept manically asking (almost shouting) WHEN? WHEN? Then my DP called his mother TWICE to discuss this, and she never picked up the phone. Now DP is pissed off and says he won't call until she does. I know for sure that even if I call her this will not only not fix the issue, but it'll make matters worse as this is exactly what she wants. She wants us to fight and she wants to manipulate.

Now; this is getting ridiculous. I tried in the past to have a decent relationship with them, but all they do is ask ask and ask more, not willing to do their fair share one does to mantain a relationship (such as listening, caring, etc)

WWYD? We're going there next week and I'm planning to have a conversation with them to state my boundaries firmly, however I know this will not end up well, because FIL CRIES when told things he doesn't like and she pretends to be suddenly sick.

Thanks everyone who had the patience to read all this

Don't play their game, lay your boundary's down by not not going. Start as you mean to go on because your marrying into this family.

@CadburysCremeSmeggs unfortunately, I need to go. If I don't, they win. A talk is in order.

How would you feel about the phoning drama?

Your DP needs to tell them that he is their son and he will call them not you. If they continue he needs to tell them that they are acting weird and the subject matter is closed for discussion.

@GreekOddess I completely agree and I really hope he will. However, I was thinking I finally need to stop being passive and open my mouth, as I am a full grown adult. I am worried about the crying/dying drama, though. How the f can 2 people in their sixties cry when they're called out on their shit?

“My mil expects me to call her and my DP is not telling her she is being a twat because no one has to phone their fucking in-laws, ever”
There I fixed that for you because the rest is not important.

@LoreleiRock he didn't actually have a chance to tell them; this only escalated recently. He plans to, for sure. And if he doesn't, I'll sure will. Not trying to say he's right, but they do all this drama when they're called out (read my comment above), I think he's almost scared.

This is going to be a long relationship over decades. You need to kindly (ish) and very firmly set the rules now and stick to them.
Yes DP can tell them but probably a good idea for you to be seen that you aren't going to be manipulated. Be polite but firm. Phone calls are if you have something to tell them and not otherwise.

He told his mother that you will call her though. Why would he do that?

@Fatshedra how would you phrase it, in the conversation to them?

@LoreleiRock I know, that was quite stupid. As I said, I think he's a bit scared of the reactions and not very confrontational

This is not normal. It's for your DP to manage the relationship. I would absolutely not be phoning my MIL every week - I've only ever rang her when DH is away or to talk about arranging childcare help. DP must find the strength to set boundaries now before you have any kids as things will only get worse! I would rejoice in the fact they are not financially helping you with the wedding tbh.

@positivepixie we're absolutely thrilled we don't need anything from them too! I was just saying as a matter of fact how kind they were to their other son. However, SIL, who lives 2 blocks away phones her everyday that must be the reason

Red flags and you chose to ignore them.

I never be with a man who had bat shit crazy parents and no boundaries. They tend to have emotional issues of their own.

I had this early on with my PIL. My FIL called me the day before my final exam (I was studying and working full time like you) to tell me what a disappointment I was as a DIL and to instruct me how to rectify it by calling MIL at least once a week. His parting shot was "I do hope I haven't upset you before your final exam". Spiteful twat.

Yeah I ignored him completely, haven't once phoned her and they've never mentioned it since.

@ukgift2016 I can totally see where you're coming from, I'm not mad. However, I heavily relied on the fact that we have an amazing relationship and they're quite far away. I believe they're manageable (though, as you say, crazy as fuck and with emotional issues) and I hope it'll be more manageable once I set my clear limits

@Liverpool52 what an asshole. How did you deal with it after?

I wouldn't say they were 'kind' to their other son.. I'm sure the money came with many ties.

@villamariavintrapp you have no idea! But that's not my problem. If they're dumb enough to fight about her and her mental demands that's on them. My SIL told me MIL ruined her wedding day. SIL only had about 20-25 guests and MIL brought 150 fucking people! She doesn't have a say in anything related to our wedding

My inlaws live the same distance away and we visit at most twice a year! I couldn't handle every 2 months.
I also have pretty much no communication with them on my own other than the occasional photo of the DC or a message to say happy birthday.
Get your husband to tell them if he's calling them 3 times a week there's surely nothing more you could possibly have to update them on. I'm assuming he doesn't call your family for a chat every week?

You: "Dont worry, I'll phone you if I have something to tell you"

PiL: "But we want to talk at to you"

You: "If there is anything I need to know DP will pass it on"

Said lightly but firmly but repeat as necessary.

@TequilaMockingbird0 My dad works abroad on some contracts (he never phones him) and mum lives 5-10 mins away from us. He never phones her, no (except birthdays, etc), but they have a great relationship as mum is really "modern" in that sense and open minded and they have lots to talk about (10 years age gap between mum & MIL).

Once every 2 months=6 times/year + she mignt visit alone or with FIL. It's a lot, I agree. If they weren't whiny and annoying it would've been fine.

@GnomeDePlume good approach. I was thinking to be even more firm and say people have limits and boundaries and I'm not in the position to offer them the relationship they want.

It's crazy though that at my age I'm worried that someone in their sixties might start crying AT me. Obviously, they do all this to manipulate, but still. No one else's shocked about this?!??

I also need to stress that they're the touchy feely type of people (kisses on the cheek, hugs, touching my arm) and I'm not happy about it. I want them to respect my personal space.

My ex in laws were a bit like this. What’s that mumsnet classic reply, “no thanks, that doesn’t work for me”. Much easier to set boundaries now than deal with dramatics later.

@Els1e exactly my thought. One year left until the wedding and by then I need to have some firm boundaries in place.

Your DH has been bought up in this toxic environment. He's been trained from birth to do as they ask and not to challenge. Those are hard habits to break. I'm not excusing him, but pointing out that it's easy to challenge this stuff if you've grown up with normal family boundaries, very difficult if not.

I'd say decide between yourselves what you will accept, in terms of visits/phone calls etc, then tell them together when you visit. It may mean you end up leaving early as I'm sure they'll turn it into a huge drama, so be prepared for that.

Forgive me if I sound rude but are you from an Asian background, or are you about to marry into an Asian background? I only ask because my own lovely daughter in law is Indian and she has sometimes spoken to me about some of the unrealistic demands made upon DILs in her culture. This would not in any way excuse your PILs’ behaviour but to some degree it would explain it.