MIL situation

[readingismycardio]

Hi everyone,

Sorry, long!

i've name changed as I don't want this to be linked to my usual username. I am a long time lurker and poster, though.

Me and my DP (soon to be DH) of 2.5 years have an amazing relationship, nothing to complain about. His parents live about 3 hours away and my DP also has a brother that lives in the same city as PIL. Said brother and his wife are completely manipulated by PIL (take me there, bring me back, wash my windows, have 4849202 meals at our house, etc). Obviously, this is not my problem, I am just trying to point out how manipulative PIL are.

We visit them once every 2 months for the weekend (quite a lot for me but hey ho), and DP is calling them roughly 3 times a week (once every 2 days or so).

My relationship with them is strained at best. They have no boundaries, have made comments about my weight in the past (I went from size 8 to size 10 and now back to size 8, so by no means overweight!), MIL came to visit for almost 2 weeks and made a mess out of our house (never once intended to clean her mess!), and they insist on coming every year before Christmas to "bring presents" (really, really, cheap stuff that she buys quickly to get rid of the task and I end up looking for charity shops to donate). when they come they expect to be fed, taken out, cleaned after. Ok, I'll move past this as this has not pissed me off THAT bad so far.

Another fact that pisses me off terribly is: we're getting maried. We pay for all of it and have not even thought to ask for money. But they never offered anyway. Whereas BIL and SIL had their wedding paid by them and also got £1000 as a gift. I find this quite weird

Main problem is and also my AIBU: she expects (and has said it in repeated times) for me to call her weekly. This wouldn't be a problem in itself, but she keeps talking and talking and talking for an hour. Now: I am busy. I work a lot and I am in the middle of doing my second university degree which is way harder when you're not 18 anymore. I don't have an hour to hear her ranting random stuff and ask inappropriate questions.

She kept complaining for ages that I don't call her and a few days ago shit hit the fan, and when my DP called his father he asked "so when is she going to call us?" DP said "she will" and his DF kept manically asking (almost shouting) WHEN? WHEN? Then my DP called his mother TWICE to discuss this, and she never picked up the phone. Now DP is pissed off and says he won't call until she does. I know for sure that even if I call her this will not only not fix the issue, but it'll make matters worse as this is exactly what she wants. She wants us to fight and she wants to manipulate.

Now; this is getting ridiculous. I tried in the past to have a decent relationship with them, but all they do is ask ask and ask more, not willing to do their fair share one does to mantain a relationship (such as listening, caring, etc)

WWYD? We're going there next week and I'm planning to have a conversation with them to state my boundaries firmly, however I know this will not end up well, because FIL CRIES when told things he doesn't like and she pretends to be suddenly sick.

Thanks everyone who had the patience to read all this

@readingismycardio I was perfectly polite to him on the phone and then totally ignored what he had said afterwards. Unfortunately you can't reason with people as batshit as that. I still saw them afterwards but that gradually died a death as well as they continued to demand I do exactly what they told me to when they told me to do it - like cancelling longheld plans at the last minute when they suddenly decided to gather their family together for something. NC with them now.

What happens when the tears flow. Does everyone freeze and look embarrassed? You could go and put an arm round their shoulder and say Oh dear, no need to cry etc etc as if to a child.

If nothing is said nothing will change. You need to air the issues in a pleasant way. If you stick to your guns and are firm but pleasant the dynamic will change and I'm sure it will be a better relationship for you and DH all round. Do you take flowers or stuff when you visit, do you all go out somewhere nice for a meal/ coffee at the garden centre.
Make some changes and things should improve I would think.

@AgathaF I completely agree. Not trying to excuse him either, but trust me, he's an educated, mature, kind and loving individual. He's not happy with the situation either and there have been cases in the past when they tried to visit when I was having my exams and he stopped them. He is fully aware they're nuts

@Pol16 not an asian background, or Indian. European. Not common behaviour! No offense taken!

@Fatshedra when he cries no one does anything, because he cries, goes to his room and doesn't come out (exactly like a baby!!!!)

You need to start thinking long term here. I would be seriously reconsidering marrying a man who had this sort of dynamic with his parents. No need for an adult to be under the thumb of their parents. Especially since PIL aren't reeling you in with financial ties. He needs to get a grip.

You don't need to engage with them at all. You're marrying him, not his parents. They're his problem. HIS behaviour in response is what's causing you problems!

I've never phoned my mil, or my fil ever. And dh has never phoned mine I don't think... He may have phoned my dad once to ask if he had any beer or should we bring some. Maybe.
The idea of phoning them seems very odd to me, I'm very confused by it

when he cries no one does anything, because he cries, goes to his room and doesn't come out (exactly like a baby!!!!)

OMG, how weird.
Next time say what a shame, we were just going to suggest going for a lovely walk/drive/whatever and now DFIL will miss it. I'm sure he won't like being left behind (and thus his tantrum ignored).

Be the grown ups and lead the way.

Agree with Preggo, think very carefully about marrying someone who can’t stand up to his parents, it will only get worse.

she expects (and has said it in repeated times) for me to call her weekly.

She can expect all she likes. The problem is whether DP backs you enough to stand up to this master manipulator and her enabler.

Susan Forward books for you two I think (Toxic Parents/Inlaws)

I would go Very Low Contact and hopefully they will cut you off.

You need to be 100% sure DP is on side here OP. If he isn't, can you imagine what it would be like if you had DC? MIL insisting on having baby for overnights from three days old etc etc...

I have never once phoned my in laws.

I'd tell them that their number is safely in a drawer in the house and you will call them if anything happens that they need to know, and their son is unavailable to phone them. And that you consider the matter closed.

@bluebeck thankfully she won't be around for DC's as she lives far enough. But the rest, I agree. DP agrees and I was a bit surprised tbh that he said he won't call her anymore if she pulls things like this. They need to learn once and for good I'm not their toy or their entertainment

@TheAlternativeTentacle I'm actually getting angrier and angrier when I see comments like yours that say never phoned the in laws. And they never said anything about it, did they?!???

I have never called my outlaws either. Not interested, my OH speaks to his parents a couple of times a week and I have zero interest in calling them either. His mum did suggest once I called weekly as her other DIL did and I ignored that request and it’s never been mentioned since. Set boundaries now and you and your DP need to stand as a team.

She could always move

I never called inlaws either.

Or answered the phone to them.

@bluebeck if she moves here, I move to Canada/Australia/insert any far far far away country

Tis the only way OP

I used to phone mine and she phoned me. But it wasn't nasty, it was to invite each other to go out for Lunch.
Dh went NC for other reasons when she total went off the deep end and was unable to control him.
The phones work both ways, if she's desperate to speak she can call, I'd also screen the calls and speak to her only when you feel like it. Then keep it short, seeing how you are in the middle of something and have to go now.
The way they are going they will likely find themselves with no contact with you both at all.

@Troels I don't mean to go NC. They're his parents. I don't love them by any means, and I can't say I respect them a great deal (I can't bear drama and manipulation), but if it goes like this, I'll have to end up NC

This is so weird. Both DS's have DPs and the only time I phone them is if I have something specific to ask/say/tell them about. And vice versa.

DS's are in touch regularly and keep me in touch with what's going on in their families.

But thinking about it, I did used to phone MiL when the boys were little. She was housebound with a life-limiting disease and it was something I wanted to do to keep her in touch with us and the world.

A bit harsh to be telling OP that she should reconsider marrying this man. Many of us have had that kind of relationship with our parents and it’s not easy to stand up to them when you’re born into it. Lucky for me my lovely husband didn’t just dump me because of my parents. Instead he has supported and helped me for the last 30 years deal with them until I got counselling and the strength to stand up to them.

OP good luck and best wishes to your DH-to-be from someone who knows what he’s going through.

I agree with Fatshedra, if he cries be bright and breezy about it, as if it's a five year old crying (which it is really). My dad has always been quite childlike, tantrums, bad temper, demanding his own way, etc. Now I think of him as a giant toddler, it's much easier to deal with.

For example, oh dear, father in law seems upset about something, we'll just go to the park/for a coffee/for a drive instead then and see you both again soon.

I'd be a bit worried about your wedding too. I'd make sure you have very clear boundaries as otherwise they may try and pull something batshit, e.g. inviting someone at the last minute, getting drunk at the reception, engineering a row etc. They need to know you won't stand for any of their bullshit well in advance.

@DriftingLeaves but you did it because you WANTED not because she tried to force you. You sound like a great future MIL, can I borrow you?

@NotSorry this is why I didn't dump him. Admitedly, it didn't get mental (yet). I am glad you stood up to them in the end! That must've been refreshing!

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OP you must set boundaries now because this will only get worse. I think when the In Laws set the agenda it says an awful lot about how they thrive on control and manipulation. Massively generalising here but I wouldn’t be surprised if they were abusive to their kids when they were younger.

I had a phase of seeing my in-laws a lot and in the end I realised how much of my own energy I was wasting by being too heavily involved in their lives. MIl has health issues and I was banging my head against a brick wall trying to help with lifestyle change to make illness better. Now I see them once every month or two and as there are no children involved I have very minimal contact via the phone etc. They are lovely people but we have very different lives.

Whilst my situation is very different, I have set the boundaries by pulling back on the number of times I see them. I think it would be wise for you to do the same.

@Carthage I might sound crazy but I'm pretty sure they'll stay away at the wedding. It's a very important event to us, planned accordingly and batshit expensive so she won't have a chance to screw it. I promised myself.

Re FIL, loved this For example, oh dear, father in law seems upset about something, we'll just go to the park/for a coffee/for a drive instead then and see you both again soon

@Wehttam how did you do it? Did your DH visit them without you?

I don't even call my own mum once a week, never mind mil....batshit.

@Theducksarenotmyfriends I'll admit I phone my mum everyday for a chat, we're basically best friends, but I want to call her, she never expected it!