MIL situation

[readingismycardio]

Hi everyone,

Sorry, long!

i've name changed as I don't want this to be linked to my usual username. I am a long time lurker and poster, though.

Me and my DP (soon to be DH) of 2.5 years have an amazing relationship, nothing to complain about. His parents live about 3 hours away and my DP also has a brother that lives in the same city as PIL. Said brother and his wife are completely manipulated by PIL (take me there, bring me back, wash my windows, have 4849202 meals at our house, etc). Obviously, this is not my problem, I am just trying to point out how manipulative PIL are.

We visit them once every 2 months for the weekend (quite a lot for me but hey ho), and DP is calling them roughly 3 times a week (once every 2 days or so).

My relationship with them is strained at best. They have no boundaries, have made comments about my weight in the past (I went from size 8 to size 10 and now back to size 8, so by no means overweight!), MIL came to visit for almost 2 weeks and made a mess out of our house (never once intended to clean her mess!), and they insist on coming every year before Christmas to "bring presents" (really, really, cheap stuff that she buys quickly to get rid of the task and I end up looking for charity shops to donate). when they come they expect to be fed, taken out, cleaned after. Ok, I'll move past this as this has not pissed me off THAT bad so far.

Another fact that pisses me off terribly is: we're getting maried. We pay for all of it and have not even thought to ask for money. But they never offered anyway. Whereas BIL and SIL had their wedding paid by them and also got £1000 as a gift. I find this quite weird

Main problem is and also my AIBU: she expects (and has said it in repeated times) for me to call her weekly. This wouldn't be a problem in itself, but she keeps talking and talking and talking for an hour. Now: I am busy. I work a lot and I am in the middle of doing my second university degree which is way harder when you're not 18 anymore. I don't have an hour to hear her ranting random stuff and ask inappropriate questions.

She kept complaining for ages that I don't call her and a few days ago shit hit the fan, and when my DP called his father he asked "so when is she going to call us?" DP said "she will" and his DF kept manically asking (almost shouting) WHEN? WHEN? Then my DP called his mother TWICE to discuss this, and she never picked up the phone. Now DP is pissed off and says he won't call until she does. I know for sure that even if I call her this will not only not fix the issue, but it'll make matters worse as this is exactly what she wants. She wants us to fight and she wants to manipulate.

Now; this is getting ridiculous. I tried in the past to have a decent relationship with them, but all they do is ask ask and ask more, not willing to do their fair share one does to mantain a relationship (such as listening, caring, etc)

WWYD? We're going there next week and I'm planning to have a conversation with them to state my boundaries firmly, however I know this will not end up well, because FIL CRIES when told things he doesn't like and she pretends to be suddenly sick.

Thanks everyone who had the patience to read all this

I am muddled why would you calm your husband’s family ? What would you have to talk about? I have never called my in laws unless for some organisational reasons - I don’t have their number . But then they are not my family..... you are being put in a difficult position and I feel for you

Whatever about the calling thing, you sound so angry!!! You hate being hugged? You think people doing errands and helping each other out is an issue? She talks too much? You're mad because they were messy? I feel like I've stepped into another world!! However mad the calling thing is, you're so over the top and bitter and while I don't agree with the person who says why would you get married if you're thing angry already, good luck when they're actual in laws

They sound horrific!

Your DH isn’t helping though-he has to got your back and needs to tell them you won’t be phoning them. If he won’t back you, you’re never going to sort this.

I wouldn’t go at the weekend. I don’t see why you think that would mean they’ve won. They want to control you; you not going means that you are taking that control away.

I read the first page and that was enough.

Your PIL have their claws into your BIL and his wife and are making their lives a misery. So ensure your relationship with them is good: strength in numbers.

Your DP knows what they are like but feels bullied by them: this happens and it's totally normal for DP to feel bullied and like he "owes" them but he has a trump card.... you.

Discuss how you both feel about the situation and what you both want. Agree what is a reasonable outcome, make a plan of action together and stick to it.. show a United front and make it clear what your boundaries are.

If they start with the amateur dramatic just smile, stand and say: you're clearly upset by our stand point so we will go now and give you time to digest what we've said. Please know we will not change our minds.

This displayed behaviour is precisely what we are referring to and until you moderate your behaviour you will be seeing very little of us in the future.

Be kind but firm and repeat as many times as necessary. Make it clear to DP you want you both to have a healthy relationship with his parents but the key word is healthy.

I have found in these situations that it is best not to confront older people with your boundaries, as it causes an argument, and they will not listen, and you will end up feeling bad.

But you have to put yourself first.

My tip for dealing with this is : do what you want to do. If you do not want to call her every week. Do not call. If she kicks up about it, stand firm and do not call. You control your action, let her react how she wants to. You do not have to call her every week.

if she kicks off, just say vaguely that you are very busy. She will get used to it

Sorry, but where do you find these people, me and my 3 sisters have no problems with any of our in-laws!

I like my MIL and get on with her perfectly well. We’ve never fallen out or had a cross word.
I don’t ring her unless I need to eg to sort tickets for DS school play. If she rings and I answer we cheerfully pass the time of day.
DH rings her - no idea how often! She collects DS from school once a week and happily does this and school holiday childcare. She comes over for lunch at Christmas and on Mothers’ Day.
Your MIL is expecting a lot imo!
As for problem in-laws, FIL is OK but his new wife is a witch and I don’t speak to either of them after the way they behaved after our wedding.

I have never gotten on with a MIL, (I am including long term boyfriends). They always seem to treat me like their little boy is being taken away.

I would refuse to visit them. Just tell your partner he can go on his own if he wants to see them.

Honestly, don't go. It's not worth it (I speak from experience although it was my mother not my in-laws).

If DP still feels the need to engage with their bizarre behaviour, and he probably will for quite a long time, that's his choice.

You don't have to participate. You don't even have to listen when DP tries to push it back on you by moaning about you not falling in line with his parents' orders.

You're quite welcome to say "I don't like them very much, they're demanding and weird. Let's see what's on the telly shall we?"

Having gone through this kind of crap when my PILs were alive, what I would have told my younger self was exactly what Dutch1e says above.
Stop engaging, stop going there. You'll be much happier.

trust me, distance does not make any difference. My husband was the same . actually far worse. His mum call him everyday. Whenever she call, he will walk away and hide to chat with her. He is always on the fence when its about our marriage or kids when his mum wants to interfere. Unfortunately, over time, he was groomed to behave like his parents and that literally ended our marriage. Not sure what to advice but it can go very wrong in the long run. Its never manageable when it comes to in laws when his mum is playing up just like my mil.

I don't call my in laws - never have. My DH does not ring my Dad.
Your in laws are def odd!

My PILs live in Scandinavia. My DP has very little contact with them and they with us (couldn’t even wish our DS good luck on his first day of school). There is a big back story & a lot of tension but I thank god I don’t have to deal with this shit any longer (former MIL was v overbearing).

You all sound abit weird

That is nuts. I've never once called my in laws. Not once ever. Ive been married to their son for 5 years together 7 and we have two kids. He rings them not me. He arranges things with them because they are his parents. And I dont dislike them at all. I get on with them fine. I would find it extremely odd to be required to ring then every week..... surely hardly anyone does that and when they do it's because of a genuine friendship not because they've been asked to?

My mother in law expects me to be the person to maintain contact with her and arrange visits. After 12 years she is slowly coming to terms with the fact that I regard it as my husband’s responsibility. She doesn’t like it. I wondered if, because she has sons she assumed that in gaining a daughter in law she expected the stereotypical mum/daughter-long-chats-on-phone relationship and feels short-changed. I am fond of my mother in law, she is lovely, but I cannot maintain both sets of families diaries, birthday presents, communications, arranging get togethers, Christmas diplomacy etc, I work, I have college assignments, I have children to look after. She thinks this is the role of a wife though. I don’t think it will ever be resolved. I just make my position clear that I am delighted to see her when DH arranges it, but it’s down to him. She is miffed I won’t sort out the in law’s diary of events - husband a bit slack - I acknowledge she is miffed but i don’t give in, only at Christmas if she is looking like she will be alone and DH has been useless about inviting her. I try to keep a balance between my sanity and the benefit of the doubt. She is not deliberately difficult she just wants a lot of inclusion. I know one day my son might marry and I will be the mother in law - I try to see it from her POV. Good luck in resisting manipulation. I suggest you do everything you can to encourage your DP to have a close bond with his parents without assuming the doormat ‘daughter’ role yourself.

I've only ever rang her when DH is away or to talk about arranging childcare help.

Aw, that's sad, only calling when you want something.
I never call mine but we don't like one another, wouldn't have used her for childcare though, and she never offered.

OP, this isn't normal and you need to be firm with your partner as it's up to him to sort it out and you to back him up. Please don't go, just tell them you don't want to, your partner will have been brought up like this, some of it normal to him.

Your partner needs to put his foot down as well.
I think you are right to say what your going to, but he needs to actively agree and not be a yes man.

I speak to my parents every few weeks, so 3 times a week to me is insane. Plus I’d never expect DP to ring them.

My god OP how have you coped this long?

My PIL lives 20 mins away, I see them (maybe) once a month - I can count on one hand how many phone calls we’ve had in the 8 years I’ve been with DH

They sound absolutely batshit, there’s no chance I’d be ringing ever tbh

That's weird. I never phoned my in laws "for a chat" and never visited them without my DH and vice versa with mine. It had nothing to do with the fact we didn't have children I would have also thought it weird if we did.

when they come they expect to be fed, taken out, cleaned after.....We visit them once every 2 months for the weekend (quite a lot for me but hey ho)

Dial back on the visits too - and insist on being treated the same when you visit them.
If they're like this now you can bet they will be worse when you have dc!

If they start crying, treat them like spoilt children having a tantrum to get their own way (because that's how they're acting): One-handed clapping. A tantrum is pointless if there's no one there to see it.

Get up and leave the room with DP if they start crying or being ill. If you must say anything at all, something like, "We'll come back when you've composed yourself" or "You clearly need some private time to get hold of your emotions" then leave. Don't ask their permission to do this. Go out somewhere if you have to. Don't engage with anything they say and don't try to comfort them. They will learn.

My tip for dealing with this is : do what you want to do. If you do not want to call her every week. Do not call. If she kicks up about it, stand firm and do not call. You control your action, let her react how she wants to. You do not have to call her every week. Exactly this. I've been married 33 years and have never capitulated to the demands of my inlaws. MIL cries, FIL shouts, but so what? My DH lives with the FOG and it's awful for him as an only child. He once said to me MIL would like me to go shopping with her. I have NEVER been out shopping with my own mother! I do call them on their birthdays, and we see them regularly enough, but I had to put boundaries in place from the beginning. I'm a big disappointment to them but I can live with that. My theory is, they are not interested in you but it's important that they can tell other people (at the golf club in my inlaws' case) that DIL calls weekly or whatever to create the illusion of a close family.

I would tell dp to remind his mum that she is not your mum and is under no obligation to call or check in with her for any reason. If you do feel like you have to comply with her request then I would put her on loudspeaker and then use listening cues to respond while you work...ie .... yeah...aha.. is that right? Etc 🤪