MIL situation

[readingismycardio]

Hi everyone,

Sorry, long!

i've name changed as I don't want this to be linked to my usual username. I am a long time lurker and poster, though.

Me and my DP (soon to be DH) of 2.5 years have an amazing relationship, nothing to complain about. His parents live about 3 hours away and my DP also has a brother that lives in the same city as PIL. Said brother and his wife are completely manipulated by PIL (take me there, bring me back, wash my windows, have 4849202 meals at our house, etc). Obviously, this is not my problem, I am just trying to point out how manipulative PIL are.

We visit them once every 2 months for the weekend (quite a lot for me but hey ho), and DP is calling them roughly 3 times a week (once every 2 days or so).

My relationship with them is strained at best. They have no boundaries, have made comments about my weight in the past (I went from size 8 to size 10 and now back to size 8, so by no means overweight!), MIL came to visit for almost 2 weeks and made a mess out of our house (never once intended to clean her mess!), and they insist on coming every year before Christmas to "bring presents" (really, really, cheap stuff that she buys quickly to get rid of the task and I end up looking for charity shops to donate). when they come they expect to be fed, taken out, cleaned after. Ok, I'll move past this as this has not pissed me off THAT bad so far.

Another fact that pisses me off terribly is: we're getting maried. We pay for all of it and have not even thought to ask for money. But they never offered anyway. Whereas BIL and SIL had their wedding paid by them and also got £1000 as a gift. I find this quite weird

Main problem is and also my AIBU: she expects (and has said it in repeated times) for me to call her weekly. This wouldn't be a problem in itself, but she keeps talking and talking and talking for an hour. Now: I am busy. I work a lot and I am in the middle of doing my second university degree which is way harder when you're not 18 anymore. I don't have an hour to hear her ranting random stuff and ask inappropriate questions.

She kept complaining for ages that I don't call her and a few days ago shit hit the fan, and when my DP called his father he asked "so when is she going to call us?" DP said "she will" and his DF kept manically asking (almost shouting) WHEN? WHEN? Then my DP called his mother TWICE to discuss this, and she never picked up the phone. Now DP is pissed off and says he won't call until she does. I know for sure that even if I call her this will not only not fix the issue, but it'll make matters worse as this is exactly what she wants. She wants us to fight and she wants to manipulate.

Now; this is getting ridiculous. I tried in the past to have a decent relationship with them, but all they do is ask ask and ask more, not willing to do their fair share one does to mantain a relationship (such as listening, caring, etc)

WWYD? We're going there next week and I'm planning to have a conversation with them to state my boundaries firmly, however I know this will not end up well, because FIL CRIES when told things he doesn't like and she pretends to be suddenly sick.

Thanks everyone who had the patience to read all this

I have just been talking to my 50 something yr old SIL...she is in trouble right now with her own parents and I thought I would share with you how bonkers a situation can get OP. My Sil works 3 jobs a day...she lives in a tiny village and her house is next door to a bookmakers shop.Her dad is blanking her totally because out of the 10 hrs a day she works she never goes to see them.She is home for 1 hr at lunchtime and every day sees her parents walk past her house to go to bookmakers and never call in to see her! Yet she is in the wrong! It is ridiculous.She reckons they have forgotton what its like to work and be running round like a headless chicken all day with jobs and kids and everything else.They have all the time in the world to plan their days but no they just cause pointless drama when they are mean.She ignores but it hurts her a bit.She is home they could call in for a cup of tea and a chat but no ...My FIL has apparently started to kick her gate now as he passes lol..so so petty and utterly pointless

She needs sprinklers for when he kicks the gate!

What a blooming brilliant idea! I shall pass that on and then dare her to turn them on! hahahahaha love it!

You all sound like hard work to be honest. Apart from your partner who seems to be trying to please demanding parents and a demanding fiancé. Maybe be an adult and put your feelings aside as if you only see them 6 times a year is it really that bad? Nothing major seemed to have happened other than they were rude about your weight (which is awful) and you clearly don’t like them or anything they do.

Witch maybe you could chat to the MIL for an hour each week if you think that's not an issue? What about the sulking, crying and fake sickness? The fact that they control the lives of BIL and his wife? Leaving a mess all over OP's house? These are all normal and to be expected? I hope you don't really think that, for your own sake.

"She reckons they have forgotton what its like to work and be running round like a headless chicken all day with jobs and kids and everything else"

I think this is a huge, huge intergenerational problem. I suspect that not only do people forget the pressures of work, but that many jobs themselves have changed quite a bit with the advent of email, which has turned the thumbscrews on all of us time-wise

I avoided talking face to face with mil - she liked to discuss toilet habits - especially hers...
I mean really?
Never answered the house phone - left that to dh also!

@MyCatsHat eek someone’s taken the jam out of your donut this morning, let’s take a step back and maybe not get in a row about a strangers problem on the internet 😂🤦🏽‍♀️

This will only get a million times worse when you have children, so for your future DC’s benefit i’d nip this in the bud asap. Like a pp said, going to see them gives them room to manipulate you and cause problems. The best thing to do is disengage. Just don’t go to see them this time. Let your DP go by himself if he wants, just make sure he knows to stand up for you. If they call and you pick up, just say hello and say oh ill get DP for you. Just lower all contact and interest.

I have no issues with my IL’s although don’t really have anything in common. DH is very close to his parents and calls them every 1-2 days, maybe once every two weeks he’ll hand the phone over to me to say hello how are things etc for about 5 mins. I don’t really talk to my DM very much when he’s around so he doesn’t talk to her unless we’re visiting. Nobody has gotten annoyed with how much we talk or don’t talk to them. Occasionally my DM has a moan that I haven’t called her for ages and I’ll just say I’ve been busy. I brush it off or else it would end up in the same situation as you with your IL’s.

Just don’t act interested, don’t take the bait, don’t allow them to manipulate you.

Why should you have to ring her weekly? I wouldn't want to with my mil. Your not obligated to ring them at all and they cant force it or fall out becouse that's stupid. I mean you cant stop them visiting at christmas or going round but you certainly have every right to say you dont want to ring weekly or at all and that youd appreciate your mil not making a mess on visits.

I also have to add my mil crys when she dosnt get her own way and shes in her 60s as well its embarrassing. It got worse when I had my baby so if you want kids please stand up and set boundaries. I had my mil tell the family I was stopping her seeing her grandchild becouse I said I didnt want her over constantly even though she came once a week. So she cried to her eldest son. She cries over everything becouse shes used to getting her way and I wont back down.

Pull it back to your relationship with DP not your relationship with MIL as that allows them to set the stage and FIL to get involved. MIL tried to condition me to be a bit of a stepford wife including giving me a list of birthdays for the extended family as I was expected to organise cards and gifts. She also wanted looooooong phone calls. I dont mind the odd jobs call but I also make it clear that DH is a big boy and he can pass on info himself. It mainly seemed to be that DH wasn't doing what they felt was expected so they thought I should be doing it for him. If its control she wants and to feel special then I would suggest the odd little gift that she can brag about and perhaps a text message. I could have been stricter with boundaries but now we have DD I dont want to burn bridges should anything ever happen to DH.

Pull it back to your relationship with DP not your relationship with MIL as that allows them to set the stage and FIL to get involved. MIL tried to condition me to be a bit of a stepford wife including giving me a list of birthdays for the extended family as I was expected to organise cards and gifts. She also wanted looooooong phone calls. I dont mind the odd jobs call but I also make it clear that DH is a big boy and he can pass on info himself. It mainly seemed to be that DH wasn't doing what they felt was expected so they thought I should be doing it for him. If its control she wants and to feel special then I would suggest the odd little gift that she can brag about and perhaps a text message. I could have been stricter with boundaries but now we have DD I dont want to burn bridges should anything ever happen to DH.

Sorry for the double post! Just to add MIL also cries and will randomly start telling awful family stories if things arent going her way. As others have said it got a lot worse when DD was born as she tried to make it all about her. PIL would visit with a professional grade camera and tripod so FIL could take pictures of MIL holding DD to post on facebook.

@Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe 

@Witchinaditch sure, I'll pass on your number and you can chat to her weekly for an hour! If you make it 2 weeks, I promise to give you a priZe If you actually look through my comments, I have said 6 times a year PLUS two of their visits it's not terrible. But isn't great either.

@Magicmama92 I actually wondered whether to tell her anything about the mess. I was too embarrassed to tell a 60year old woman she behaves like a pig.

I rate my own MiL middling on the awkward scale (unsolicited advice about bringing up children, constant stream of generic racist and sexist remarks, sneered at DD's engagement ring because it's an unusual - yet wildly expensive! - stone and setting and not a socking solitaire, etc) but I love her dearly.

Nevertheless, I rarely call her - only if DH is away or ill, really. DH talks to her every single day - they are very close - because he wants to and they have a laugh. I sometimes get him to put her on speaker or just lean over his shoulder to say hi on my way to do whatever I'm doing.

If I were you, I'd make a point of doing the lean over the shoulder, say hi and stroll on and tick the 'Call MiL' box. Job done. If they grumble, widen eyes and remind them you've spoken to them x times in the last y days/weeks.

See, she doesn't really want you to talk to her, does she? She wants you to listen to her.

If all else fails, pick a time you have a boring job to do and phone then, phone on speaker, while you work. DD in another country called last night. She was out for a walk; I was cleaning the fridge. Perfect time for a chat!

It's odd they demand you call them! Why can't your MIL call you if she has something to say to you? You don't call people because you have a schedule but because you have something to say surely!
I don't really have any other advice to give to you but I just wanted to say I think you are handling it well and to wish you good luck when you chat to them. X

@MyCatsHat eek someone’s taken the jam out of your donut this morning, let’s take a step back and maybe not get in a row about a strangers problem on the internet

Eek! Me jam!

@MyCatsHat don't be upset, I'll buy you a 6 pack of donuts

I have never called my MIL, been married almost 20 years.

She's hard work like yours, and now, even if she calls, I don't answer, just let it ring out and let DH know his mother called while he was out but I missed the call.

My dp calls his mother weekly - his choice - but I do not. I don’t even call my mother that often! Weird that they would expect this of you.

Please don’t let the PIL destroy your wedding. By the sound of things they might try. I have divorced PIL who’ve given me a load of grief over the years. So double the visits there. Not easy. But I’ve held firm to looking after DH and DC x 2 over and above them. My MIL’s antics have become legendary, not in a good way. FIL has been better of late....Fortunately his partner is very kind. I like her better than the PIL! My tips. Don’t let them come between you and DFiance. Keep them slightly at arms length. Don’t call every week. See how it goes. If they behave maybe call them once a month. If they keep giving you grief go LC. I’ve had to do that before and it worked. They were then happy if I called out of the blue to give them some interesting news. X 2 again... GOOD luck. It’s really not very easy with PIL like this. xx

@Froglette16 oh no; wedding is off limits. I'll turn into a bridezilla in 2 seconds

Tonnerre's advice is great. Regarding tears, I think you just have to ride it out. Don't reward bad behaviour by giving in.

I think the problem is that you’re already seeing this as a confrontational conversation. It sounds like she might have as many grapes as you. And as others have said this is going to be a long term relationship with her and father-in-law.

What would you like the relationship to look like? What do you think she would like the relationship to look like? I think you need to be sitting down and having a it sounds like she might have as many grapes as you. And as others have said this is going to be a long term relationship with her and father-in-law.

What would you like the relationship to look like? What do you think she would like the relationship to look like? I think you need to be sitting down and having a conversation that starts a bit like this rather than diving in and criticising their behaviour.

I would start on the basis that they are nice people, after all they brought your husband to be into the world!

I think open discussion and listening is what’s needed. Not anger and frustration levels at someone else.