MIL situation

[readingismycardio]

Hi everyone,

Sorry, long!

i've name changed as I don't want this to be linked to my usual username. I am a long time lurker and poster, though.

Me and my DP (soon to be DH) of 2.5 years have an amazing relationship, nothing to complain about. His parents live about 3 hours away and my DP also has a brother that lives in the same city as PIL. Said brother and his wife are completely manipulated by PIL (take me there, bring me back, wash my windows, have 4849202 meals at our house, etc). Obviously, this is not my problem, I am just trying to point out how manipulative PIL are.

We visit them once every 2 months for the weekend (quite a lot for me but hey ho), and DP is calling them roughly 3 times a week (once every 2 days or so).

My relationship with them is strained at best. They have no boundaries, have made comments about my weight in the past (I went from size 8 to size 10 and now back to size 8, so by no means overweight!), MIL came to visit for almost 2 weeks and made a mess out of our house (never once intended to clean her mess!), and they insist on coming every year before Christmas to "bring presents" (really, really, cheap stuff that she buys quickly to get rid of the task and I end up looking for charity shops to donate). when they come they expect to be fed, taken out, cleaned after. Ok, I'll move past this as this has not pissed me off THAT bad so far.

Another fact that pisses me off terribly is: we're getting maried. We pay for all of it and have not even thought to ask for money. But they never offered anyway. Whereas BIL and SIL had their wedding paid by them and also got £1000 as a gift. I find this quite weird

Main problem is and also my AIBU: she expects (and has said it in repeated times) for me to call her weekly. This wouldn't be a problem in itself, but she keeps talking and talking and talking for an hour. Now: I am busy. I work a lot and I am in the middle of doing my second university degree which is way harder when you're not 18 anymore. I don't have an hour to hear her ranting random stuff and ask inappropriate questions.

She kept complaining for ages that I don't call her and a few days ago shit hit the fan, and when my DP called his father he asked "so when is she going to call us?" DP said "she will" and his DF kept manically asking (almost shouting) WHEN? WHEN? Then my DP called his mother TWICE to discuss this, and she never picked up the phone. Now DP is pissed off and says he won't call until she does. I know for sure that even if I call her this will not only not fix the issue, but it'll make matters worse as this is exactly what she wants. She wants us to fight and she wants to manipulate.

Now; this is getting ridiculous. I tried in the past to have a decent relationship with them, but all they do is ask ask and ask more, not willing to do their fair share one does to mantain a relationship (such as listening, caring, etc)

WWYD? We're going there next week and I'm planning to have a conversation with them to state my boundaries firmly, however I know this will not end up well, because FIL CRIES when told things he doesn't like and she pretends to be suddenly sick.

Thanks everyone who had the patience to read all this

*She would die of boredom and/or frustration. Problem solved. You’re welcome.

@Thegracefuloctopus I think that's really quite sad that neither you or your husband has phoned your PILs. They also become your family whether you like it or not when you marry and to not even call them (especially on your part) is odd to me. My husband would ring my lovely mother who sadly is no longer here just to see how she is when he was at work/out/I was at work. She adored that about him that he cared off his own back and not because I told him too. I ring my mother in law often just for a chinwag. But then I can't judge, I have the most lovely parents and so does he and I suppose not everyone gets PIL like ours

@TheAlternativeTentacle another one that doesn't bother to call and just have a chinwag with their in laws. I'd hate to have this sort of relationship with mine

Sorry oakandlove that's not right to give one child 1000£ and the other a freaking cardboard box.
Poor or rich you have to be fair.

RTFD @FagashJackie - I think you are correct in your opinion, totally agree; but the OP bemoans PIL's expenditure on a siblings wedding and then later in a terribly pissed off state says -
We've NEVER taken A PENNY from them. and we won't, EVER. So what kind of money am I expecting, exactly? when she has just bemoaned the fact that she wanted money off of them. I think this thread is the most fuddled in logic I have ever seen.

Make sure it’s as intellectual and dry as possible, because touchy-feely people can’t handle it.

Jesus what an assumption to make.

@readingismycardio sorry if I've missed this but how is you not going to visit letting them win? Let your DP go for the weekend and you can study?? Stop feeding their drama. They sound batshit. Is your dp embarrassed by the mess his mother makes?

Sometimes people come on here as trolls, sometimes people come on here with genuine dilemmas, this PIL thread has just been ridiculous. You see them 6 times a year at most at OP; you haven't mentioned kids, are there any? Your posts have no value without examples - no quotes, no situations, you just don't like his parents. Suck it up, they love him, they have to put up with you and try and forge a relationship, be kinder to them. Tell your DP to tell them you will speak to them once a month, would it kill you?

Don't start calling then unless you would actually like to, OP. I have in my life tried to placate people (my mother/DH) by acting the way they want me too, but it invariably ended with them complaining bitterly (and sincerely) that I'm not convincing enough and that they can tell I don't really want to do whatever it is they've demanded. They were angry at me for not genuinely feeling the way they wanted me to feel, and nothing short of an Oscar winning performance would have satisfied them.

Since I'm not an actress, I gave up then and there. I no longer agree to fake behaviour to people whom I know won't be satisfied with a polite veneer. Sadly his parents do not sound like polite veneer kind of people....

I avoid answering the phone to my MIL like the plague. If I have phone her, or if I accidentally answer and it’s her , I just hunker in with a game of Scrabble on the Kindle. She can talk at me for an hour, I never have the faintest notion what she’s talking about, but we can keep it all friendly with me going “Mmm” and “Really” occasionally.

@ukgift2016 is completely right op my ex had a very controlling mother and when I refused to let her in the delivery room when having our baby she convinced him I was “evil” and he began beating me black and blue with his mummy’s approval. Think long and hard before marrying a mummy’s boy

Re: previous post. I would have got complaints had I not phoned PIL so did so but when they rang FIL would be in the background shouting to her to get off the phone. Eventually the situation became somehow that I always had to ring them and then they would talk for ever on my bill.

My PIL put pressure in me for 40 odd years of nastiness despite the fact that my family have a history of nervous breakdowns and indeed suicides (I thankfully don't have this problem but who knows whether it could kick in). My sister has tried to kill herself no less than 3 times so far this year. I mean how would you feel if you were to push someone so far that they killed themselves, I ask you. It was only when one of my BIL's told me that it was my husband my MIL had a problem with that I realised it was not me. I have never told DH that this was said to me he's such a good man it would break his heart.

@Oakandlove what you don't seem to grasp is the fact that I'm not bothered about other things, not even the weight issue, I went up to a size 10!!!! Which means 55 kg. Now i'm back to size 8, so by no means fat, why would I be bothered?

Regarding money: we don't want or need, fortunately, their money. We pay for our wedding in full. But DP is actually quite upset about the blatant favoritism that his brother gets, that was the point.

I speak to them on the phone on birthdays and holidays we don'f spend together, to me it's more than enough.

Of course he loves them, they're his parents! But love & letting someone do whatever they want is a completely different thing. End of.

oakandlove nice to see some sense on this thread, very surprised to see how many people are basically advocating playing games with pils or saying about setting harsh boundaries, also a lot of in law haters on too!

I don't have a MIL but my mother refused to live in the same city as hers; she likewise never phoned her. My father dealt with his family; she dealt with hers. Posters suggesting that you should regularly phone her are batshit. I've never taken over dealings with a partner's family. Even in the 1950s and 1960s decades of SAHM and wife-work, I don't know of one woman in my family who did that.

Complaining about unfairness of treatment between siblings isn't uncommon either and can be seen even in the Bible!

Doing a second degree is never easy, and equally batshit to suggest that it should be easier! Either it's a more advanced degree if the same subject (and probably involving research) or completely different subject matter, and doing a degree fulltime is immensely easier than trying to combine it with fulltime work and running a household with your partner. It sounds like either the pp who suggested it has no idea what a degree entails, is determined to find fault with everything about you, or both.

Just stick to your boundaries, OP. From your partner's reactions to her, it would seem that he also finds her hard work.

Get out while you still can

Had similar dealings with my ex MIL. She too was manipulative and would very if met with any resistance. It almost resulted in a cancelled wedding as she was trying to dictate who sat with whom. Didn't see why her ex (my then husband's Dad) should come to the wedding etc, etc. It was at that point I told her straight. It was our wedding, we were paying for it and to stop making demands. My then SILs were aghast I got away with it! 36 years on, divorced from her son, I still speak my mind to rein her in when she acts up. But we get on well - I think, because like you, the boundaries were set from the start. Good luck.