MIL situation

[readingismycardio]

Hi everyone,

Sorry, long!

i've name changed as I don't want this to be linked to my usual username. I am a long time lurker and poster, though.

Me and my DP (soon to be DH) of 2.5 years have an amazing relationship, nothing to complain about. His parents live about 3 hours away and my DP also has a brother that lives in the same city as PIL. Said brother and his wife are completely manipulated by PIL (take me there, bring me back, wash my windows, have 4849202 meals at our house, etc). Obviously, this is not my problem, I am just trying to point out how manipulative PIL are.

We visit them once every 2 months for the weekend (quite a lot for me but hey ho), and DP is calling them roughly 3 times a week (once every 2 days or so).

My relationship with them is strained at best. They have no boundaries, have made comments about my weight in the past (I went from size 8 to size 10 and now back to size 8, so by no means overweight!), MIL came to visit for almost 2 weeks and made a mess out of our house (never once intended to clean her mess!), and they insist on coming every year before Christmas to "bring presents" (really, really, cheap stuff that she buys quickly to get rid of the task and I end up looking for charity shops to donate). when they come they expect to be fed, taken out, cleaned after. Ok, I'll move past this as this has not pissed me off THAT bad so far.

Another fact that pisses me off terribly is: we're getting maried. We pay for all of it and have not even thought to ask for money. But they never offered anyway. Whereas BIL and SIL had their wedding paid by them and also got £1000 as a gift. I find this quite weird

Main problem is and also my AIBU: she expects (and has said it in repeated times) for me to call her weekly. This wouldn't be a problem in itself, but she keeps talking and talking and talking for an hour. Now: I am busy. I work a lot and I am in the middle of doing my second university degree which is way harder when you're not 18 anymore. I don't have an hour to hear her ranting random stuff and ask inappropriate questions.

She kept complaining for ages that I don't call her and a few days ago shit hit the fan, and when my DP called his father he asked "so when is she going to call us?" DP said "she will" and his DF kept manically asking (almost shouting) WHEN? WHEN? Then my DP called his mother TWICE to discuss this, and she never picked up the phone. Now DP is pissed off and says he won't call until she does. I know for sure that even if I call her this will not only not fix the issue, but it'll make matters worse as this is exactly what she wants. She wants us to fight and she wants to manipulate.

Now; this is getting ridiculous. I tried in the past to have a decent relationship with them, but all they do is ask ask and ask more, not willing to do their fair share one does to mantain a relationship (such as listening, caring, etc)

WWYD? We're going there next week and I'm planning to have a conversation with them to state my boundaries firmly, however I know this will not end up well, because FIL CRIES when told things he doesn't like and she pretends to be suddenly sick.

Thanks everyone who had the patience to read all this

Wow is all I can say.
"we have an amazing relationship"
Keep it that way..
Why be bothered about them? Let your partner stick up for you but support him along the way.
They will soon get the idea. You're about to be married, keep chasing them rather than living a happy life is letting them win.
I get the whole crying situation too, I have that with my MIL. I just didnt listen to it, but always said I'm happy to talk about it. Only took 10 years to actually stand my ground, and say enough is enough.
Good luck x

You say you can’t not go as planned as this would mean they’d won? It’s not about winning, or losing for that matter. It’s about drawing boundaries and leaving space for your own mental health.

My MIL is local and I take her shopping etc - I wouldn't normally ring her just for a chat unless to find out out how she was if unwell or whatever, but I do sometimes to arrange stuff. When I do ring I often can't get away for half an hour.....

But I choose to do that and she's lovely. DH would never ring my DDad for a chat - he lives an hour away and anyway it would be weird. Why OPs ILs think she should is beyond peculiar.........

This thread has been so helpful. I have experience of a manipulative, nosey, overbearing MIL. She gets so wrapped up in her own lies that she can't remember what's true anymore. Doesn't help that I hate my SIL with a passion and that my MIL has always favored her, thrown money at her and favored her children over ours. We've moved 1,000's of miles away now and I've realized that it doesn't matter it I text or not, nothing I do or say will be right or good enough for her. My DH doesn't have the time day for her games anymore. She tries to arrange weekly Sunday Skype calls, we just make sure we're not always available (the time difference helps), break the cycle almost. My biggest problem and advice still needed, is how to stop them from visiting us? They came earlier this year, they have to stay for 2 weeks, it's too far. But they expect to be waited on hand and foot, anything I cook is not appreciated or liked, we are expected to pay for all meals out. I have to drive them everywhere and literally hand hold them while they shop for my vile SIL and her kids. My kids gets given a crappy gift, with sale stickers still on! How can I stop them coming again? Or at least so soon? I've been brought up to be a respectful daughter in law, but they seriously push me over the edge. Sorry to hijack your post.

A lot of projection backs up MIL/FIL threads always but I am still surprised at the support this particular poster is getting.

@readingismycardio I think you are the problem here.

Your first example of manipulation is pretty weak. They may need help or want brother in law to call and use an excuse to just see their son, not an unheard of thing and not affecting you, so none of your business.

You visit 6 times a year, jesus that is not taxing. You haven’t backed up any weight comments (I am sure you’ll make up a few horrific ones now); They messed your house (again no concrete examples) and you’ve knocked her presents back as shite and you donate them - you are a nasty piece of work and this is the statement that underlines it. If I or my kids get crap gifts, I say thanks and accept and don’t rush away to give them to charity as a point. And if I did, I would never spell out to my husband that your mothers gifts are so crap I throw/give them away, pure nasty.

You still expect their money even though you throwaway their gifts (trust me their are many on here who wished their PIL’s even bothered to give a gift).

I hour a week on a call - a second degree is easier than a first because of experience, so sorry excuse. You sound like an absolute tool. “Your boundaries” that you are going to discuss, you really have not mentioned your partners feelings at all, at all during this post, only once when he was non-commital to her call. It is all about you. I have read some posts on here that have real MIL/FIL issues. Take your selfish head out of your arse and consider that if you love someone you do stuff that doesn’t suit you sometimes. Let him still love his parents.

I'm going to go against the grain here...

Not really. Christ, who has regular phone chats with the in-laws?

@LayLar360 that is true, those calls should be with their son, is that not happening for some reason?

OP probably needs to sift through all her feelings about her PIL and differentiate between the parts that are just run of the mill annoying (eg they are messy in her house) versus the ones that are controlling and bizarre (manically shouting demanding phone calls, crying when they don't get their way).

some of the stuff in the OP are just meh sort of things. Some of it is none of her business. I agree with PPs that the thing with the cheap gifts is not a battle worth picking.

But making demands and crying is ridiculous, controlling, bizarre behaviour. She needs to focus on what the real problem is and not get bogged down in the silly shit that doesn't really matter.

OP you need to do this so you can be clear with DH what the real problem is, and not just sound like you're nit picking in general because you don't like them.

@Oakandlove you're so rude you have no idea.

I'll give you 5 minutes of my life to reply this, not sure why.

you’ve knocked her presents back as shite and you donate them - you are a nasty piece of work and this is the statement that underlines it. If I or my kids get crap gifts, I say thanks and accept and don’t rush away to give them to charity as a point. And if I did, I would never spell out to my husband that your mothers gifts are so crap I throw/give them away, pure nasty.

My own DP gives her presents to charity.

You still expect their money even though you throwaway their gifts (trust me their are many on here who wished their PIL’s even bothered to give a gift).

We've NEVER taken A PENNY from them. and we won't, EVER. So what kind of money am I expecting, exactly?

a second degree is easier than a first because of experience, so sorry excuse. You sound like an absolute tool.

Might be, when you don't work 40 hours a week too.

Let him still love his parents.

Absolutely.

Thanks, everyone else. You've been great!

@Tee22 easy. Don't cook anymore or tell her she's welcome to cook herself something that she'll enjoy.

Re gifts: apparently, according to a pp, you should be GRATEFUL for the crap, because other people don't get anything. Well, I wish I didn't get anything, I'm sporting this marie kondo "joy" thing atm, so that'd be great

M@Oakandlove You haven’t backed up any weight comments (I am sure you’ll make up a few horrific ones now); They messed your house (again no concrete examples)

You really love the drama, don't you? That wasn't the point of the thread.

@MidCenturyVintageWoman thanks for your comment. Nice to have an input from someone who's been married for so long!

I do call them on their birthdays, and we see them regularly enough, but I had to put boundaries in place from the beginning. I'm a big disappointment to them but I can live with that. My theory is, they are not interested in you but it's important that they can tell other people (at the golf club in my inlaws' case) that DIL calls weekly or whatever to create the illusion of a close family

I'm absolutely fine with calling on birthdays/important events etc. Re telling people, she loves that. But she can always lie, she's used to it

Your partner needs to stand up to them. The phone call is a control thing & will set a precedent & you will end up running round after their every whim. As to the other relatives whose wedding they paid for, that's because they were good little biddable robots. Count yourself lucky you aren't planning on going the same pushover route & won't be getting any £ (poisoned chalice with relatives like them anyway, as it will deffo have useful emotional blackmail strings attached ).

I love my in laws. We have an amazing relationship (I'm not bragging, there's a point!) and they are just like second parents to me. They live 4 hours away but we meet halfway regularly to see them or take it in turns to visit. However (and this is my point) I never just ring them to chat. I've called them to ask the odd question etc but usually anything like that is done in texts because we work and have busy lives. We do video call maybe twice a week but it's so they can chat to the kids, I set the ipad up and they chat away while I tidy, cook etc. I'll obviously have a bit of a chat with them while they're on but they're primarily ringing to see the kids. Your in laws are bat shit. I would be telling them that there will be no phone calls unless there is a need to speak to one another. If they speak to their son then he can fill them in on everything they need to know. Glad he's supporting you with it and not expecting you to comply with their ridiculous demands

@Oakandlove are you for real?! Why does she have to give 'concrete examples' of the mess and the weight comments? They were just examples in her backstory. And why should she speak to them for an hour every week just because she happens to love their son? Doesn't matter whether it is a second degree or a 22nd degree, shes working full time, studying and planning a wedding, plus obviously needs to spend time with her partner, friends family etc. How many people do you know who ring their in laws weekly? Because I dont know any.

I had a similar situation with my PIL and they came to us for numerous free hotel style holidays, I never dared to ask how long they would be with us it would have caused explosive rows. Be warned because we like you were expected to pay for everything and take them out all the time. They had two more sons mine being the third and youngest. MIL used money to bribe the others and their numerous offspring (13 in all), all of whom borrowed money (took really, never paid back) but as in a previous post, it was all about power and bribery over them all. We were treated totally differently, we planned well and were successful and therefore became some sort of threat. It was made plain to us right from the start that we would never get any help, don't ask, I thought it was me she had a problem with but it turned out to be my husband (I have no idea what her problem was with him, model son).

When we had finally had enough and she had sent a very insulting 'funny birthday card' to me, we fell out. She had fallen out with her other two sons over the years for very long periods, indeed much longer than us. Finally they both died within weeks of each other and they left everything to the other two sons who gratefully accepted with not a thought about doing the right thing by their brother. So be warned you may be putting up with all this sh... from them for nothing, have it out with them and what will be will be. Please don't put yourselves through agro and then finished up like us. By the way we were on good terms with the brothers up until the Wills business, we are now, no longer in touch, not surprisingly.

Thank you @readingismycardio wish it were that easy. Just don't want them to come and visit at all.

When they ask you to ring once a week just say ‘why?’

I love my MIL. And no way would I ring in forced circumstances like that.

@Doidoit19 much appreciated, thank you! I was a bit baffled, tbh. I'd never speak like that to anyone

Tell oh to deal with this.
Just say "I've not got time to talk yo you on the phone for an hour I'm too busy with my degree and doing the things mums do. Its not that I don't want to talk to you or have a relationship with you. If there's any news about the kids or me I'm sure dh can tell you. There is no beef here but I just am totally stretched and can't be on the phone for an hour. Its not personal."

Or just say:*^

Why does she have to give 'concrete examples' of the mess and the weight comments? They were just examples in her backstory.

Because even in her anger in replying to me, she still won't give absolute examples, just abstracted thoughts on situations. It is the point of the thread and she did say she expected some cash from them for her wedding as it pisses her off terribly:

Another fact that pisses me off terribly is: we're getting maried. We pay for all of it and have not even thought to ask for money. But they never offered anyway. Whereas BIL and SIL had their wedding paid by them and also got £1000 as a gift. I find this quite weird

I never said she should speak to them for an hour a week. I think her partner should be speaking to them or dealing with that.

You should always be grateful for a gift. If my kids got a cardboard box as a gift they could make fun with it. Different folks, different strokes.

I never be with a man who had bat shit crazy parents and no boundaries. They tend to have emotional issues of their own.

Very sage advise. I'll bear that in mind next time

Good luck op. You seem to be on the right track.

Sorry oakandlove that's not right to give one child 1000£ and the other a freaking cardboard box.

Poor or rich you have to be fair.

You could also try reverse psychology.... you could tell her that you will call her once a week on the proviso that she LISTENS to you for ONE WHOLE HOUR - WITHOUT INTERRUPTION..... And read her whatever assignment you’re working on, blah, blah.... Make sure it’s as intellectual and dry as possible, because touchy-feely people can’t handle it. When she starts to interject, which she will, you get to say, “Nope! Not the deal we made. Hanging up now!”