MIL situation

[readingismycardio]

Hi everyone,

Sorry, long!

i've name changed as I don't want this to be linked to my usual username. I am a long time lurker and poster, though.

Me and my DP (soon to be DH) of 2.5 years have an amazing relationship, nothing to complain about. His parents live about 3 hours away and my DP also has a brother that lives in the same city as PIL. Said brother and his wife are completely manipulated by PIL (take me there, bring me back, wash my windows, have 4849202 meals at our house, etc). Obviously, this is not my problem, I am just trying to point out how manipulative PIL are.

We visit them once every 2 months for the weekend (quite a lot for me but hey ho), and DP is calling them roughly 3 times a week (once every 2 days or so).

My relationship with them is strained at best. They have no boundaries, have made comments about my weight in the past (I went from size 8 to size 10 and now back to size 8, so by no means overweight!), MIL came to visit for almost 2 weeks and made a mess out of our house (never once intended to clean her mess!), and they insist on coming every year before Christmas to "bring presents" (really, really, cheap stuff that she buys quickly to get rid of the task and I end up looking for charity shops to donate). when they come they expect to be fed, taken out, cleaned after. Ok, I'll move past this as this has not pissed me off THAT bad so far.

Another fact that pisses me off terribly is: we're getting maried. We pay for all of it and have not even thought to ask for money. But they never offered anyway. Whereas BIL and SIL had their wedding paid by them and also got £1000 as a gift. I find this quite weird

Main problem is and also my AIBU: she expects (and has said it in repeated times) for me to call her weekly. This wouldn't be a problem in itself, but she keeps talking and talking and talking for an hour. Now: I am busy. I work a lot and I am in the middle of doing my second university degree which is way harder when you're not 18 anymore. I don't have an hour to hear her ranting random stuff and ask inappropriate questions.

She kept complaining for ages that I don't call her and a few days ago shit hit the fan, and when my DP called his father he asked "so when is she going to call us?" DP said "she will" and his DF kept manically asking (almost shouting) WHEN? WHEN? Then my DP called his mother TWICE to discuss this, and she never picked up the phone. Now DP is pissed off and says he won't call until she does. I know for sure that even if I call her this will not only not fix the issue, but it'll make matters worse as this is exactly what she wants. She wants us to fight and she wants to manipulate.

Now; this is getting ridiculous. I tried in the past to have a decent relationship with them, but all they do is ask ask and ask more, not willing to do their fair share one does to mantain a relationship (such as listening, caring, etc)

WWYD? We're going there next week and I'm planning to have a conversation with them to state my boundaries firmly, however I know this will not end up well, because FIL CRIES when told things he doesn't like and she pretends to be suddenly sick.

Thanks everyone who had the patience to read all this

OP..slow down and breathe! You are winning here if only you could see it! They cannot cope with you being a strong independant woman so they are finding ways to try to knock you down...like the ridiculous phone call business. its the only way they have cos they feel powerless to you not allowing them to exert any other control,Laugh at them and say yeah right ok! and ignore.You say they treat BIL/Sil like crap well yes they do but thats where their power lies cos they are allowed to get away with it,they bought that relationship so they have the power to influence it.They cant buy you,you changed the rules of their unspoken game and they dont like it one bit,,hence the phone calls business.You control the relationship and it makes them edgy so they have to come up with something pathetic and thats just what it is.Carry on with your life as you are ..ring if you want don;t if you want its fine!

I'm actually getting angrier and angrier when I see comments like yours that say never phoned the in laws. And they never said anything about it, did they?!???

Why would they?

I've had different relationships with the parents of my past partners; some good, some ambivalent - one let us stay in their granny flat without paying rent for years, another gave me two cars when they upgraded theirs [one after the other]...but never ever has one ever demanded that I phone them weekly. I am not the sort of person that takes well to demands to be honest.

The current Mr Alternative's family; calls every now and then [or he calls them] to arrange a meet up. Probably every 2-3 months. We go to theirs for 2 hours or they come here for 2 and then the cycle repeats. No demands, no pressure, and no narcissism.

My DIL phones me every couple of days, or I phone her. I very rarely phone DS 😄, but that's because we are very close. We spend days together, shopping or at a spa, go out to lunch. Take DGD out together, while DS and DH train ( bloody cycling)
But that because we have that sort of relationship.
My own MIL, I have never spoken too. We live 8 hours away from them, and i have been to see them in 25 years precisely 12 times. They have come to us twice. DH goes up the year I don't go, so yearly. We don't have children together so no Grandchildren.

My mother used to do the crying thing when she didn't get her way. The best thing to do is ignore it. It feels really hard and you do feel like the world's meanest person at first, but keep reminding yourself that they are a tool for manipulating you. When I started refusing to engage with my mother I was "cruel" and "had no heart". But then she got over her tantrums, stopped doing them around me and now we have a good relationship.

Remind yourself when the tears start that you don't actually have to do anything about them. Just because someone is upset doesn't mean you have to give them exactly what they want. Boundaries make good relationships.

I call my MIL once in a blue moon, usually to arrange Christmas or birthday get togethers. I'm happy to do that, we get on well. Why don't I call her more? Because she's not my mum!

I find it baffling that your DP facilitates this and you've been going along with it. You need to pull on your big girl pants and put a stop to the weekly calls and just do an occasional one when there's something to discuss. If PIL kick off, I would think very, very carefully about whether you want these people dictating your life, because if they're like this now, they will be a million times worse with kids - distance won't be a barrier, you can guarantee that.

@BookwormMe2 not sure if I made clear but I haven't phoned her in ages and I won't

@sonjadog Just because someone is upset doesn't mean you have to give them exactly what they want Amen!

@Shosha1 Will you please be my MIL?😂

@Shosha1 pressed send too soon! I wish I had this type of MIL. I wanted to have someone to share things with etc (not my mum) but not a manipulative person, no. At the beginning of the relationship I really tried. I stopped when I realised she's batshit

It sounds like your DP is doing really well at having your back. And it will be difficult for him, because anyone who has grown up with manipulative parents will struggle from time to time with anxiety and guilt. As others have said, if you stay calm, firm and cheerful but don't give in, that's the best way of dealing with them.

I never ring my MIL. PIL gave SIL a £10,000 house deposit and paid for her wedding. We got nothing. I'm perfectly pleasant, but they don't get 'rewarded' for that despicable unfairness by me calling them for nonsensical chit chat. And their demanding would make me even more determined not to.
DH Phones weekly.

@ReanimatedSGB I'm pretty sure this is the calm before the storm. DP is not calling them at the moment but they'll soon call and turn it into a huge drama.

@cptartapp I'm exactly that type of person. The more you push me, the more I won't want to do what you want me to. This is exactly what happened here too. Almost every time she speaks to DP she'll ask for me. He usually says I'm busy

I thought the whole point of your OP was that you are having to call her every week? If you're not doing that, what's the problem exactly? You're clearly setting the boundaries already and if it's brought up during your visit, state clearly that weekly calls are unnecessary when she speaks to your DP every other day - any pressing updates you'll give to him to pass on.

@BookwormMe2 the whole point is that now FIL started to intervene in this situation and made it worse

@BookwormMe2 and they won't speak to DP because of thus

Ils never had my mobile number..
Left dh to deal with them.
Wasn't faking a relationship with batshit people...
You are not obliged to dance to their tune just because dp chooses to.

Can you pre-empt the crying/claims to be sick before the conversation starts? If they bring up the phoning issue, before anything else is said say something like "Before we have this conversation, can we make it clear that we want it to be constructive. Obviously we are all going to behave like grown-ups, aren't we, so no-one is going to resort to crying or saying they feel sick. Tactics like that are not going to change our minds, so we don't expect to see them."

@Tonnerre that's a great idea, thanks

They are toxic. You need to stand your ground but also get DP to as well. I suggest you read the book ‘Toxic in-laws’ by Donna Frazier and Susan Forward. There’s also Toxic parents by Susan Forward your DP could read if he’s willing. There’s a good website called ‘Out of the fog’ which gets you thinking about reducing contact with toxic family, it’s not an easy thing to do but he needs to open his eyes to how manipulative they are. Honestly, I never ring my in-laws. MIL is toxic (narcissist), she rings every so often but I don’t always answer. We are just about maintaining a relationship with her but that’s because DH is very realistic about what she’s like and has firm boundaries in place.

@FaithInfinity I keep hearing about this book, looking for it just now. I'm willing to maintain a relationship with them, as long as, as you say, DP has firm boundaries in place.

If they won't speak to DP, that's a win, surely?!

Seriously though, how can you finalise your visit arrangements if they won't pick up the phone? I'd sit back and wait for them to crack first. As someone further up the thread said, you're actually playing a blinder, because you're making them realise they can't push either of you around anymore and they'll have to adjust their behaviour if they want any kind of relationship with you.

@BookwormMe2 to me it's a great win, but he is understandably upset. They'll crack soon

Why does she need her own special phone call exclusively with you? That's so weird.
My mum would never phone my DH to talk exclusively to him. And his parents have never called me, unless it's to talk about DH (a gift or something).

Frankly, I'd pretty much ignore the request to call, and if it comes up during the visit, just reply with a casual and breezy, "Oh, I'll hope on the call you have with DP if I get a minute! I'm sooooo busy with this degree right now!" Then change the topic.

If she keeps dragging it on, just repeat, "I'll come on the call with DP if I can. No point in calling twice." Repeat as required. She'll soon give up as long as you hold your ground.

Both PIL are clearly used to getting their own way with the younger generation. It's time they had some push-back that they can't just steamroll over everyone and get away with it.

I also have PIL issues, and mine also expect us to be their entertainment system in their older age. I know how hard it is! I also know how much more difficult things become when you have BIL/SIL who are quiescent and put up with the bullying - it does make it harder to have a united front against unacceptable behaviour.

Nonetheless, I think it's time for you to decide what YOU want. How often are you prepared to speak to this woman on the phone, and for how long? How often are you prepared to visit? (The answer to both of those questions can be 'never' if you like, but you sound like someone who is prepared to compromise). Then lay down some rules: 'MIL, I do enjoy our conversations but I'm extremely busy with my degree and the kids. I can't speak for an hour that often, but I will try to call you once a month/occasionally/once every couple of months. You know we are always here in case of emergencies, and don't hesitate to ring if you need anything urgently'. I would cut visits to once every 3-4 months too. You don't need permission to do this - just make an excuse and ease them into a new rhythm.

The crying/howling/wailing/gnashing of teeth is ON THEM. Just keep repeating "I'm very sorry you're upset, but we need to find a way forward that works for all of us. We have needs too".

I think you do have to recognise that the distance you are creating does have some consequences - they will probably pay for things for the family that are closer and more involved with them (e.g. the wedding). Perhaps it shouldn't work like that, but there is a big gap between "ought" and "does" in many families! Be prepared to suck it up.

I would suggest they see a therapist next time you see them.
Or that they both join an am dram group...

There is always kick back when you change something, and this is emotional kick back but it will fade out. But only if you stick to your guns and be clear, no more calls, or only once a month. Don’t be vague.