MIL situation

[readingismycardio]

Hi everyone,

Sorry, long!

i've name changed as I don't want this to be linked to my usual username. I am a long time lurker and poster, though.

Me and my DP (soon to be DH) of 2.5 years have an amazing relationship, nothing to complain about. His parents live about 3 hours away and my DP also has a brother that lives in the same city as PIL. Said brother and his wife are completely manipulated by PIL (take me there, bring me back, wash my windows, have 4849202 meals at our house, etc). Obviously, this is not my problem, I am just trying to point out how manipulative PIL are.

We visit them once every 2 months for the weekend (quite a lot for me but hey ho), and DP is calling them roughly 3 times a week (once every 2 days or so).

My relationship with them is strained at best. They have no boundaries, have made comments about my weight in the past (I went from size 8 to size 10 and now back to size 8, so by no means overweight!), MIL came to visit for almost 2 weeks and made a mess out of our house (never once intended to clean her mess!), and they insist on coming every year before Christmas to "bring presents" (really, really, cheap stuff that she buys quickly to get rid of the task and I end up looking for charity shops to donate). when they come they expect to be fed, taken out, cleaned after. Ok, I'll move past this as this has not pissed me off THAT bad so far.

Another fact that pisses me off terribly is: we're getting maried. We pay for all of it and have not even thought to ask for money. But they never offered anyway. Whereas BIL and SIL had their wedding paid by them and also got £1000 as a gift. I find this quite weird

Main problem is and also my AIBU: she expects (and has said it in repeated times) for me to call her weekly. This wouldn't be a problem in itself, but she keeps talking and talking and talking for an hour. Now: I am busy. I work a lot and I am in the middle of doing my second university degree which is way harder when you're not 18 anymore. I don't have an hour to hear her ranting random stuff and ask inappropriate questions.

She kept complaining for ages that I don't call her and a few days ago shit hit the fan, and when my DP called his father he asked "so when is she going to call us?" DP said "she will" and his DF kept manically asking (almost shouting) WHEN? WHEN? Then my DP called his mother TWICE to discuss this, and she never picked up the phone. Now DP is pissed off and says he won't call until she does. I know for sure that even if I call her this will not only not fix the issue, but it'll make matters worse as this is exactly what she wants. She wants us to fight and she wants to manipulate.

Now; this is getting ridiculous. I tried in the past to have a decent relationship with them, but all they do is ask ask and ask more, not willing to do their fair share one does to mantain a relationship (such as listening, caring, etc)

WWYD? We're going there next week and I'm planning to have a conversation with them to state my boundaries firmly, however I know this will not end up well, because FIL CRIES when told things he doesn't like and she pretends to be suddenly sick.

Thanks everyone who had the patience to read all this

OMG! I hate this kind of drama - my MIL is similar - Just stop caring about it - if you don't want to call her for an hour just don't, surely she'll stop trying eventually !! You and your husband are feeding the drama by engaging with it! she's not your mother so just stay out of it and do what you want /suit yourself!! it's just thankless anyway !

My MIL paid for 2 of my BIL weddings but not ours - but we kept her out of it on purpose, organised our own day exactly how we wanted and then she got an invite - the BIL warned that any money she'd have given us would have come with all sorts of strings attached - she was so annoyed that we kept her out of the planning and threatened to not come - instead of getting into an argument with her about we just stood our ground and said ok either come or don't it's up to you!

She came in the end reluctantly and actually had a great day!

I can't stand the way she behaves and how all her sons just allow her to continue to get away with such awful behaviour - they all pander to her and then moan about it behind her back!!

Instead of letting it annoy me I just stepped away from it tbh - I don't really call or talk to her much, don't really go to visit much - I even avoid going there over Christmas - he goes and i stay with my family!!

I just don't like drama and feel people shouldn't get away with that kind of crazy behaviour either !

My MIL used to expect me to call. A text would never do. I nipped that in the bud though and it's so much less stressful now. I used to have it hanging over me all week. It's quite sad really she must think we are friends but I can't stand her! I got my DP to say I'm too busy with my DC so it's much easier for me to text.

It’s great they aren’t giving you money - they would almost certainly use that against you. Keep it that way and try not to ever accept any money!

You can only deal with this by letting go of the fear and guilt about upsetting them. They don’t care about you, you feelings or your time - they just want attention and only care about themselves. It took me decades to get to this point with my own mum so I do understand, but now that i’m Not scared of her reaction, there’s nothing she can do.

“I don’t have time for phone chats.”
“it’s very rude and hurtful to comment on my weight. If you don’t stop I will leave.”
“No, I don’t want to do that.”

And repeat. Let all crying, sulking, shouting etc fall on deaf ears and just go out for a walk to the shop or whatever to avoid it. They are like toddlers - they cry and kick off but the right reaction is to stay calm and maintain the boundaries, and ignore the bad behaviour.

My mum ‘s nose is so out of joint that I just don’t care and am not cowed by her crap any more. But because it now doesn’t keep me in line, she’s stopped. We’ll never have a good relationship and it’s fairly low contact but at least it’s not stressful any more.

And if you have kids, this x 1000! Do NOT let them dominate and interfere and make demands. Show them your boundaries now, in big flashing lights.

@readingismycardio your in laws sound like mine, right down to the crocodile tears. It's incredibly childish and manipulative

Have you read this?

captainawkward.com/2012/05/14/247-marrying-into-a-family-with-awful-boundary-issues-or-secrets-of-dealing-with-highly-difficult-people/amp/

I found it helpful. Yes to Susan Forward's books as well.

You can't change your InLaws and you aren't marrying them. What you need to look at is your DH and whether he is willing and able to maintain strong boundaries with people who will push back against any boundaries. It's hard to do if you've grown up with it your whole life.

The fact that he promised them that you would call isn't good. Have you spoken to him about that?

I agree with your approach of just being very direct and maintaining a consistent approach to their nonsense. 'I can't give you the kind of relationship you want.' 'It doesn't suit me to talk on the phone that often.' 'Oh dear, FIL is upset about something. What a shame, hopefully next time we come he'll be feeling better.'

The only time I speak on the phone to MIL, is if I'm the one who answers it when she rings. We'll spend a couple of minutes on the usual pleasantries, then I'll pass the phone to DH, or take a message if he's not available.

It's not normal to expect your DIL/SIL to ring you on a regular basis.

I think your partner ought to cut down his phone calls, and visits. I expect he's only ringing/visiting so often, because he knows they'll kick up a stink with the histrionics if he doesn't, but it's too much.

The crying, and faking illness, is a common tactic used by toxic people, to get their own way. Just treat them like you would a toddler, and ignore it.

Also, don't be so sure about distance being a safety net when/if you have children. And they can still spoil your wedding, by being "ill", or having a crying fit or something. I'm sure it will happen.

Oh and ask DP if he’d be up for an hour long phone chat with your most unreasonable elderly relative every week. Thought not. Because it’s insane. No one has to do that - it’s different if you’re close to your MIL and want to of course, but it is absolutely NOT your duty.

unfortunately, I need to go. If I don't, they win.

Oh dear, PiL's have driven you so batshit you are starting to sound like them. You need to unhook yourself from win/lose thinking, & disengage yourself from this awful manipulation.

Stop comparing with BiL about wedding cash etc. The only reaosn they got 'paid more' to put t bluntly is because they accede to the control PiL's want to assert.

You are marrying DP, not his parents.
And you are already on a hiding to nothing with this -
I need to go. If I don't, they win. A talk is in order.
ANYTHING you say to them will be misconstrued, twisted, ignored, lied about, & used against you.
You are better off not going. Just get them used to the idea that you are not at their beck & call.
It's the best way to demonstrate your autonomy & personal power - simply by opting out.
Your updates are still reading like you need to "win" - as soon as you change that attitude within yourself, you will move beyond the power struggle & into freedom. There is NO 'winning' with people like this. Just assert your right to live without the constant hassle & arseache, & be happy.

@Soon2BeMumof3 that thread is shocking!

I can't believe how many amazing responses I've got, you people are AMAZING for spending out of your own important time to help a perfect stranger

@messolini9 you're right. But I really need to tell them face to face. I don't give a shit if they cry/jump out the window. Not necessarily about "winning" but making it clear I'm not dancing to their tune

Ohhhhhh re Christmas: Christmas is always with my family, Easter with his (I don't care about Easter). He actually proposed this set up & I love it. We don't agree with staying apart for holidays

Definitely what Tonnerre said. Make it clear at the start that you know they will cry/fake sick- that will lessen it's impact when it happens.

Explain that you are busy, and do not have the time to call, that nobody you know does it and it's not normal behavior. Tell them you will not be calling unless for a specific reason. Be polite but firm.

If they get hysterical say 'we discussed this remember and agreed we would act like adults' as per PP's suggestion. If they continue, say 'I've said my piece' and get up and leave.

Discuss the plan with DH before so he is on board. Set some boundaries and stick with them.

@MountPheasant nobody you know does it and it's not normal behavior. Amen, sister😂 Feeling so much better after this thread. At least I know I'm not crazy.

That Captain Awkward blog that @Soon2BeMumof3 posted is some of the best advice I've ever seen!

I'm surprised no one's come on here to tell you YABU. There are some who support MILs on these threads, no matter how batshit they are, and they'll twist whatever OP says, in order to support their view. Just ignore them, no need to reply, they won't change their stance.

I forgot to say, I agree with PPs regarding you "having" to visit them. There's no winning or losing, and you don't "have" to go. In fact, you shouldn't go, because it's rewarding their behaviour.

I really feel for you.

How about asking with a smiley face when you see her if she is on Gransnet...if you rave to her about how good these particular forums are.....

If she posted the question on there, in reverse ( my soon to be DIL works full time and is studying for her degree and planning their wedding and she never rings me) she would soon see from the replies, what appropriate behavior is and that she herself is behaving inappropriately. It would give her plenty of food for thought to modify her own reactions and demands.

Could your partner open it on her device for her? (and leave it open on a suitable page? 🤭)

In fact, if she were just to read various daily posts on Gransnet she would soon hopefully come to see more appropriate and acceptable behavior that she could model for herself?

@verticality I've bookmarked that!😂
@Motoko guess I was lucky. But pssst, don't jinx it, never too late!

But I really need to tell them face to face. I don't give a shit if they cry/jump out the window.

Fair enough m'dear. So long as your loins are well girded :)

Think of them as miscreants who just need re-training.
Make most of the training about you NOT being available. Actions speak louder than words & all that. Good luck xx

@readingismycardio defo not crazy. I adore my PIL and often tell people how lucky I feel to have them. They are kind, funny, generous people who respect boundaries and I love spending time with them.

I have NEVER called my MIL. Not once in 6 years.

Even with a good relationship it's not the norm- with yours it's outrageous.

Can I just have a second to be whiny and cheesy? You've all been so great to me and you don't even know me! The power of MN. & & for everyone!

Also, apologies for any grammar mistakes, English is actually my third language!

I have these in laws!!
You have my sympathies

I think my mil invented wife-work, she thinks men are incapable of organizing anything.

I think you should tell your in-laws that ye have your own way of doing things, it works for ye and it’s not going to change.

If they create drama you could say that their fussing is something you don’t have in your family and dh is better at dealing with it & go for a walk.

Please yourself Op because there is NO pleasing people like them.

@Whoops75 mine thinks she invented wife work too. She says how much she cleans and blahblabha but her house is an absolute TIP! And when she comes to ours, she makes a mess and leaves a hurricane behind. Yay!

Would never have realised, English isn't your first language, if you hadn't said. Mind you, it's often the natives who can't spell, or use grammar correctly! I'm not perfect myself.

@Motoko Thanks for the compliment great to read this about myself!

So weird that they have expectations of you. They aren't your parents, it's your DPs job to manage them. I have never called my inlaws in 12 years.

And I actually like them and get on well with them! Weird with the crying thing though, as DPs 2 older sisters say MIL is a crier and does it manipulatively. Gets in weird moods with them, goes all passive aggressive. Me and DP have never seen her cry and have always thought she is one of the happiest people alive. Weird!