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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My ex got my 15yo to drive him home drunk, WWYD?

145 replies

AnneTwackie · 17/09/2019 23:15

Always had problems with my ex but there’s a contact order in place allowing overnight contact and, as he’s now 15, he is entitled to his own say. If I could, I would stop contact, but that isn’t a possibility.
I have the pin for my son’s phone and have just found out he drove his dad home on Saturday night at 2am because his dad was drunk. They were at a sports club event.
If I tell my son, his father or any of the family my son will know I look at his messages but it’s my one way of knowing what’s happening. What can I do? Would the police take action?

OP posts:
Mistlewoeandwhine · 17/09/2019 23:23

Tell your son that someone from the event contacted you out of horror. Sit your son down and point out the seriousness of what he did. Really stress the illegality of it and the sheer danger of it. I don’t think you can stop your son seeing him. It would backfire on you.

june2007 · 17/09/2019 23:23

I would contact your son, and your ex, let them kknow this is unacceptable. I would not contact the police as this could course more drama and your ds may not thankyou for it.

Original poster
AnneTwackie · 17/09/2019 23:26

Thanks Mistle I’m worried he’ll guess that I know from the phone and be more secretive, from the messages I saw his dad is saying how grown up he is and how proud he was. I don’t wish I could stop contact just for this reason btw, he’s done some terrible things to my son and he just goes back for more like he’s under a spell.

OP posts:
Oodlesandpoodles · 17/09/2019 23:27

1- sit your son down and say that x saw him driving past and stress that they KNEW it was him.

2- file this with the police to say that the ex ( who sounds like a total pig) encouraged his son to drive under age.

3- tell your son that he could put people in serious danger while driving while he’s not legally able to

BanKittenHeels · 17/09/2019 23:28

I would have to contact the police.

TheGirlWhoLived · 17/09/2019 23:30

Could you reverse it... say somebody contacted the police (who contacted you) and said they saw your son driving?

drinkygin · 17/09/2019 23:30

What!! This is madness of course you should contact the police! Say someone else saw them so you don’t get it in the neck. He put your sons life at risk!

Original poster
AnneTwackie · 17/09/2019 23:31

I want to contact the police but don’t know if it will be taken seriously, it was village rods so I don’t think there will be cctv

OP posts:
Redglitter · 17/09/2019 23:31

Contacting the Police is going to get the son in a lot more trouble than the idiot father. He drove without a licence or insurance.

Even if he was encouraged it's not his dad who's committed the offence

Original poster
AnneTwackie · 17/09/2019 23:32

*roads

OP posts:
Dilligaf81 · 17/09/2019 23:32

I'd contact the police saying how to know etc but that you don't want your son or his dad to know. If the police wish to investigate further they can get your son or exs phones as evidence and know they will do it whilst protecting your identity as had a similar situation with a client reporting family members who were using their phones to boast to each other, sending pics etc.

Original poster
AnneTwackie · 17/09/2019 23:34

Drinkygin you’re right, I’m going to contact them tomorrow, nothing to lose by doing it. If anyone can tell me what to expect they will do it’d help me feel more confident

OP posts:
Original poster
AnneTwackie · 17/09/2019 23:35

Thanks Dilli that’s helpful

OP posts:
Kinneddar · 17/09/2019 23:37

nothing to lose by doing it

No but your son has!!

Original poster
AnneTwackie · 17/09/2019 23:38

Redglitter hadn’t thought of it like that. Shit.

OP posts:
lyralalala · 17/09/2019 23:40

I wouldn't contact the police as the person who committed an offence was your son.

I would tell him that someone seen him and contacted you, but that you have persuaded them not to contact the police. Use the opportunity to point out to your DS that his father's selfishness could have got him in trouble - he'd have been the one with the criminal record at the end of it if he'd had an accident.

Mumofboth · 17/09/2019 23:41

I’d be livid. I agree with above, contact the police. Ask if they can come and speak to him, might scare him a bit. Explain alternatives too; if your DS is in that situation again he should call a responsible adult for help. Your ex is a twat and I hope you get your way and your son soon sees this.

Mumofboth · 17/09/2019 23:44

To the pp’s saying not to contact the police because “it’s your son” would you be saying the same thing if he had caused a serious accident and injured himself or someone else?

Redglitter · 17/09/2019 23:48

Ask if they can come and speak to him, might scare him a bit

They cant. If the OP reports this it's an offence its past the stage of them coming to scare him. Theres a good chance hell be charged

Tonnerre · 17/09/2019 23:50

I agree with above, contact the police. Ask if they can come and speak to him, might scare him a bit

If the police are told that OP's son has committed an offence (which he has), they're not just going to come to talk to him, they're liable to consider arresting and charging him.

GabsAlot · 17/09/2019 23:50

Jesus fucking christ what is wrong with your ex-couldnt even be bothered to get a cab wants to get his 15 year old to get in trouble p-ossibly arrested or in a crash!

saraclara · 17/09/2019 23:52

People really think the police will come out and just tell him off, like a little kid who's been scrumping? Of course they'll charge him!

OP, lie and say someone saw them leave and told you.

hopefulandstrong · 17/09/2019 23:56

Your son could end up in a lot of trouble because he made a choice to help his dad ( help I use very very lightly but I mean from you ds perspectiv)

You need to tell your son that this behaviour isn't acceptable or normal. And you should get some legal advice because your ex is a danger.

You need to go back in his phone screenshot the texts and send them to yourself.
If your ds can be convince to do something so dangerous I would be concerned about what else could happen.

BertrandRussell · 18/09/2019 00:07

Whatever you do don’t tell the police!

Original poster
AnneTwackie · 18/09/2019 00:08

I am very concerned hopeful that’s why I want to make sure I keep this window into his world open.
I’ve got copies of the messages saying ‘I was really proud of you’ ‘what, of my driving?’ ‘Yeah from what I can remember, but I was pissed so’
There’s been occasions in the past i’ve Used the ‘you were seen’ line- his dad regularly signs him out of school. He gives him non prescription painkillers to make him get through training sessions for his sport. He’s hit him a few times. My son reported it once but wouldn’t press charges after his dad said he’d never see him again. He’d choose his dad if it came to court again. He knows his dad is wrong but feels responsible for him. I just can’t see a way out. He’s almost an adult and I just hope he sees sense eventually.

OP posts: