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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My ex got my 15yo to drive him home drunk, WWYD?

145 replies

AnneTwackie · 17/09/2019 23:15

Always had problems with my ex but there’s a contact order in place allowing overnight contact and, as he’s now 15, he is entitled to his own say. If I could, I would stop contact, but that isn’t a possibility.
I have the pin for my son’s phone and have just found out he drove his dad home on Saturday night at 2am because his dad was drunk. They were at a sports club event.
If I tell my son, his father or any of the family my son will know I look at his messages but it’s my one way of knowing what’s happening. What can I do? Would the police take action?

OP posts:
TerfTalk · 18/09/2019 00:13

How was he even able to drive the car? Was it an automatic?

ProhibitedRodent · 18/09/2019 00:17

@saraclara Please explain what scrumping is?! I can't for the life of me work it out

Original poster
AnneTwackie · 18/09/2019 00:18

Thanks for your help everyone. I can see there’s no easy answer but I appreciate your help all the same.

OP posts:
ProhibitedRodent · 18/09/2019 00:19

@AnneTwackie Please at least contact 101 anonymously and ask hypothetically what would happen if a parent reported their child under those circumstances?

Goingonagondola · 18/09/2019 00:20

Report it to the police anonymously - don't say how you are related but just that you saw this and want to log it. Hopefully they'll interview your son and give him a massive fright.

I don't care if he gets into trouble and I wouldn't if he were my son either. Better in trouble (and wising up to the thought of what his dad put him in a position to do) than in some horrific accident where he's either killed or kills someone else. Don't kid yourself this will be a one off and it might not end safely next time.

Hairsprayqueeen · 18/09/2019 00:21

If you do what prohibited says, they can trace you by your number even if you are anonymous.
I'm pretty sure hed be charged though. And depending on what circumstances they considered, have a record. Hes still a minor though so maybe hed be okay.

fiveleftfeet · 18/09/2019 00:22

If you report your ex you are reporting your son and he'll get in a whole heap of trouble with the police.

That will be an opportunity for your ex to further drive a wedge between you and your son.

Don't do it!

RandomFactor · 18/09/2019 00:30

Your ex has made a monumentally bad call, which put your son, him and the public at risk. It is one of the stupidest acts I have heard of... But I would NOT call the police.

Your son, if he were to confess, would likely be charged with driving without a licence or insurance, which is serious, and could have repercussions lasting years for him.

I'd suggest your son needs sitting down and talking to calmly and seriously, explaining the gravity of his actions and the potential consequences.

His dad? I dont know how it is between you and him, but I'd go fucking ballistic with him, and let him know if anything like this ever happens again, you'll go to the police.

As for the phone, just say someone told you what happened, they saw it etc.

kateandme · 18/09/2019 00:35

could you sit down and have a proper and open chat with him.
just telling him how worried you are.how much your worried but he seems to be doing things that keep getting more and more outragious.and that you have to ay are wrong.
what would he do if this was his child.what would he tell a sister,brother or best friend?
what does he want you to do.is there something your not doing that you need to to help him.you want the best for him and dont understand.

Coffeeonthesofa · 18/09/2019 00:37

Do not report it to the police unless you want your son to be charged.
They will come and take a statement probably at home but they may ask you to attend a police station, a parent has the right to be with him when this happens.
He may get a lecture, he may get a letter but maybe they’ll decide to charge him if they have other evidence if him driving CCTV cameras perhaps, and they will charge him not his dad as he is above the age of criminal responsibility. He will have to attend court, he will need a solicitor, if found guilty he may get a fine or community service a driving ban that starts when he is old enough to drive and receive points on his licence when he is old enough to get one. This will affect his job prospects etc as he gets older.
You have no legal responsibility to report him to the police, but you should not lie if they find out some other way and question you.
A severe bollocking, grounding, removal of privileges may be the better way to go?
If he had caused an aciudent hurt someone he needs to know that neither you or his dad could protect him from being prosecuted.

Original poster
AnneTwackie · 18/09/2019 00:39

I’ve just googled what the punishment is for underage driving ie without a licence or insurance and they get disqualified from driving until they are 17, which is ridiculous. However, on those grounds I still think I will report it. If he did this again and hurt himself or someone else I would never forgive myself. It might also be a wake up call for his father.

OP posts:
FurrySlipperBoots · 18/09/2019 00:41

@ProhibitedRodent

Stealing somebody's apples

CandyLeBonBon · 18/09/2019 00:46

I think it's possible that he will get a caution at this stage because he wasn't caught in the act, and it's third party reporting so any defence would be able to argue that the op was making it up maliciously.

The burden of proof is very high and it has to be beyond reasonable doubt to get to court. So I agree that the op should speak to the police about it.

Kinneddar · 18/09/2019 00:47

My SIL nephew was reported for driving at 16 without a licence or insurance. He couldn't apply for a licence until he was 19. As he has a driving conviction he has to declare it to his insurance company and he has a criminal record

By all means report him but be aware of the possible implications for years to come

RandomFactor · 18/09/2019 00:48

You should be prepared for the possible consequences on the relationship between you and your son if you involve the police. You may end up as a witness for the prosecution in court, testifying against him.

Yes, it's serious. No, you'd never forgive yourself if something were to happen in the future, but reporting to the police is a very big step.

Could you not simply talk to him? Really press home how big a deal this all is??

Coffeeonthesofa · 18/09/2019 00:54

Don’t know where you are based but what I said in my post above is what actually happens in Scotland based on my personal experience , it is not just a disqualification until they are 17.
So court fine, ban, points on license and criminal record is what he may face.
Not just a slap on the wrist and a wake up call for his dad, do you expect the police to chastise his dad for you?

Original poster
AnneTwackie · 18/09/2019 00:55

I would love to think I could talk sense into him but I’ve tried enough times to know that I can’t. He’s a great kid but this means he’s loyal without question to his dad. After my son reported him for beating him up he said he would disown him if he ever grasses him up again. This sounds like an episode of Shameless but I am the last mum you would ever expect would be failing to deal with this.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnneTwackie · 18/09/2019 01:00

I’m in Northern England. I do appreciate what you’ve said coffee but it does look like the law is slightly different

OP posts:
Original poster
AnneTwackie · 18/09/2019 01:05

Also I’m of the same line of thinking as CandyLeBonBon are they really going to prosecute him on the basis of his mum saying she has screenshots of his texts?

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 18/09/2019 01:07

But he can’t drive until he is 17 anyway......

cakeandchampagne · 18/09/2019 01:08

I would get some professional legal advice.

BiologyIsntBigoted · 18/09/2019 01:08

What do you mean by "non prescription painkillers"

Do you mean illegal drugs? Does he know the drugs he's giving his son def don't show as a banned substance for athletes and sports people?

I understand it's his father behind this but your son is going to to be one with a ruined sports history if he's caught taking drugs to get him through his sport and if he kills someone driving illegally.

I really do understand why you're hesitant but it's the kind of thing you can't turn a blind eye to and just ignore. If he's done it once he could do it again. Is it not possible to have contact stopped based on the violence towards his child and the putting him in danger by having a child drive?

If his dad gives hims pills I'd not be surprised if he also didn't give him alcohol. Are you sure your son won't have had a pint the night he drove too?

BiologyIsntBigoted · 18/09/2019 01:11

And. It being able to drive until he is 17 isn't really a punishment as he can't do that until he's 17 anyway so it is ridiculous in that sense.

BlackCatSleeping · 18/09/2019 01:11

Why are you getting the police to deal with this? You are his parent. You need to parent him. Sit him down and tell him that he was seen driving and if that person had reported him to the police then he would be in very serious trouble indeed. Explain that you know he loves his father, but in life we have to make judgement calls and this wasn't a good judgement call. Tell him if he is ever seen doing anything illegal again, then the court will prevent him from seeing his dad. He is old enough to consider the consequences of his actions.

For what it's worth, a woman I knew son's "borrowed" her car when he was underage and uninsured and unfortunately hit an elderly person at a crossing and they died. He did spend time in prison and wasn't able to join the police force as he wanted. It was an awful situation all around, especially for the family of the poor woman.

Original poster
AnneTwackie · 18/09/2019 01:13

If I went to court to stop contact my son would say he wants contact and they would listen to him. It seems his dad can basically beat him, throw him out in the night, drug him and have him driving and the police will do nothing if my son doesn’t press charges. He’s scared his dad will disown him, he knows I never would, so he’ll always side with his dad.

OP posts: