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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My ex got my 15yo to drive him home drunk, WWYD?

145 replies

AnneTwackie · 17/09/2019 23:15

Always had problems with my ex but there’s a contact order in place allowing overnight contact and, as he’s now 15, he is entitled to his own say. If I could, I would stop contact, but that isn’t a possibility.
I have the pin for my son’s phone and have just found out he drove his dad home on Saturday night at 2am because his dad was drunk. They were at a sports club event.
If I tell my son, his father or any of the family my son will know I look at his messages but it’s my one way of knowing what’s happening. What can I do? Would the police take action?

OP posts:
Dontcarewhatimdoing · 18/09/2019 06:48

There is no point at all reporting this to the police. They will almost certainly take no action, and if they did the only person who would be prosecuted would be your DS which would not help anything. If you were going to report it anywhere I would suggest social services as a child is being put at risk by their parent.

Coka · 18/09/2019 06:54

His dad would be in trouble too. My friend got his girlfriend to drive him home from the pub. She was in her 20's and on a provisional. They were pulled over and he spend the night in jail as he was in charge of the car drunk. Im not sure what else happened but I know there were more consequences. However i would be too worried what would happen to your son to report....

SuperPixie247 · 18/09/2019 07:03

I would tell him that the police had come round whilst he was out to have a chat as someone had seen and reported him for driving his dad home.

Bit of a scare tactic but I do think that could be the only way to approach this and make him see the seriousness of the position his dad put him in.

GreenTulips · 18/09/2019 07:22

I would not be reporting this to the Police, anonymously or otherwise. The potential ramifications for something that was extremely foolish as well as illegal, but is over, could be far reaching. Driving and owning a car is incredibly expensive for youngsters at the best of times, but if he has a black mark before he even starts, your son's life could be limited a great deal, both socially and in terms of work.

What would be the outcome if he hit and killed someone?

Noqont · 18/09/2019 07:23

If the houseintheforest is right then I would take his/her advice.

GreenTulips · 18/09/2019 07:28

My DD is older and has now had 20 odd lessons

It’s still terrifying going out with her in the car - so many unexpected dangers.

I’d be surprised if this is his first time. DD stalled the car 5/6 times not looking in mirrors running stop signs too close the the kerb, near misses on cats in the road, turning before there’s space etc and she’s had lessons!!!

He’s a danger to himself let alone anyone else

Sadie789 · 18/09/2019 07:38

Your DS is probably more than capable of driving the car and certainly would have been doing a better job than a drunk man, but that’s not the point.

I agree with a PP that it’s probably not the first time either.

If you contact the police I think chances are your ex would be the one in trouble as he’s the licence holder and over 18. He would be done for being drunk in charge - however problem is there is no evidence so it’s a non starter.

I think best option is to let your son AND the ex know that they were seen doing this (fact is they must have been seen by someone) and that person has threatened to report to police. That frames you as the good guy but also let’s them know they’ve been rumbled.

If you do let on you know I think it’s also worth having a separate chat with DS to explain to him he may think his dad is being mates by letting him do this but the reality is he’s just using him. Take the positive associations, the “our little secret” thing out of it and let son see it for what it really is - a free, illegal taxi.

RidgedPerfection · 18/09/2019 07:40

Even if you call anonymously, they still take your number, and are able to trace you. For the couple of posters who have said this and would hesitate to contact the Police because of it over any matter; if you report a crime via Crimestoppers, your details are never disclosed.

Aridane · 18/09/2019 07:46

Why would you report your son to the police?

Aridane · 18/09/2019 07:46

(should have refreshed before posting)

OmniversalsTapdancingTadpole · 18/09/2019 08:01

I would tell him that a person at this sports club event told you about him driving. That way his dad will wonder who it was that saw him and told you about it.

I dont normally suggest lying, but in this instance i would see it as a 'white' lie.

DadCanIHaveAZedgie · 18/09/2019 08:03

For the couple of posters who have said this and would hesitate to contact the Police because of it over any matter; if you report a crime via Crimestoppers, your details are never disclosed.
Is that right? Thank you. I didn't know that. Not to derail but I've had two situations in recent memory where I've been let down by the police and it has really shaken my trust in them.

RidgedPerfection · 18/09/2019 08:07

Yes DadCanIHaveAZedgie - you can report in two ways via them; the first is a simple report, no further contact. The second gives the Police the opportunity to ask you further questions about your information, but it is all done via Crimestoppers (you obviously choose which option you take) and, if you subsequently decide you then would rather not answer further questions you absolutely don't have to. Your name is not submitted on the report - a serial number is used.

Herewego93 · 18/09/2019 08:08

As someone who had one conviction as a 15 year old child this does not effect job prospects later in life. He is a child! All these people saying don't go to the police you must! He will do it again otherwise and his and other people's lives will be at risk. Most he would get is some community service. His farther coercoed him into doing this an adult who has beat him up in the past the police will help and his Dad would get in trouble but by sounds of it something needs to happen right now to protect your son.

SalrycLuxx · 18/09/2019 08:10

I would not tell the police.

Go with ‘you were seen’. Make it clear just how damaging a criminal record would be, even the problems he might have taking his future kids to Disneyland or on holiday to any country that screens for arrests/records.

Techway · 18/09/2019 08:11

Your son needs counselling as like all abuse victims he is trauma bonded and at such a young age he doesn't understand how toxic his father is.

Contact the school councillor see if you can get him therapy if not get external counselling.

Your son needs to understand that love isn't putting the person at risk, physical or from conviction. He might need to hear it from a 3rd party, not you, as I guess your views have been dismissed your Ex.

Amanduh · 18/09/2019 08:15

No way tell the police. Your son could get in a lot of trouble.
You need to talk to him, tell him he was seen, tell him the ramifications if he does it again.

cdtaylornats · 18/09/2019 08:18

Point out to your son a driving conviction and ban will mean he wont be driving again until he is in his twenties and probably wont be able to afford insurance until he is 30.

Wheresthebeach · 18/09/2019 08:24

I'd get in touch with a solicitor, traffic specialist, and get a view from them on what would happen if he was caught, and what would happen if he had an accident.

Then tell him he was seen, if you can afford it, have a meeting with the solicitor to talk through the consequences of what he's done. Or get them to send an email outlining what could happen. Then sit him down and go through it.

Agree with others about coercive control. Your son needs help, if the school has a good counsellor you could get their help, he needs to see that his father is the problem before he leads him to more risky behaviour.

haggistramp · 18/09/2019 08:27

Do you think this reckless behaviour by your ex will continue? If so, on that basis i would probably report to the police. Otherwise, what happens if this sort of thing continues because they got off/werent caught/cautioned about it but the next time someone is seriously hurt?

sashh · 18/09/2019 08:32

As someone who had one conviction as a 15 year old child this does not effect job prospects later in life. He is a child!

An enhanced DBS shows all criminal convictions, until recently it also included cautions - so a 10 year old having an argument with mum in the street could end up with a blot on their DBS that follows them for life.

zingally · 18/09/2019 08:32

I absolutely wouldn't contact the police about this. Your son could find himself with a criminal record for driving without a license! You'll have effectively ruined any chance he has of getting a license in the future, as well as no chance of getting a job that involved driving.

However, absolutely sit him down and talk about the seriousness of what has happened. How does he even know HOW to drive? I certainly didn't before I had formal lessons. Emphasise how ANYTHING could have happened. Frankly, he's lucky he got away with it.
And your ex is an arse. But unfortunately I can't see what you could do about it, that wouldn't ultimately get your son into trouble. You can only work on this from the son angle.

WonderWomansSpin · 18/09/2019 08:36

You need to think carefully about what you want. otoh you're saying the police won't take it as seriously because it's just based on texts.If that's the case then there's no point contacting them.
You can't expect them to tread some middle line that you deem acceptable that gives your DS a fright, talks some sense into your ex and leaves you out of it. Once you report, it's out of your hands and you have no way of knowing whether your DS will end up with a criminal record. It will irretrievably damage your relationship.
To be blunt, you also don't know what happened because you haven't spoken to DS or anyone else that was there. Screenshot the texts (in case you decide to take it further). Talk to your DS.

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 18/09/2019 08:37

I really WOULD tell the police. Both your son and ex should be spoken to. I would like bet that no action against your son would be taken but they both have to realise how reckless this was. I know of a similar situation, when an underage driver was involved, where unfortunately the outcome was much worse.

KUGA · 18/09/2019 08:40

Fantastic advice mistle.
Couldn't have put it better myself.

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