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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My ex got my 15yo to drive him home drunk, WWYD?

145 replies

AnneTwackie · 17/09/2019 23:15

Always had problems with my ex but there’s a contact order in place allowing overnight contact and, as he’s now 15, he is entitled to his own say. If I could, I would stop contact, but that isn’t a possibility.
I have the pin for my son’s phone and have just found out he drove his dad home on Saturday night at 2am because his dad was drunk. They were at a sports club event.
If I tell my son, his father or any of the family my son will know I look at his messages but it’s my one way of knowing what’s happening. What can I do? Would the police take action?

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 18/09/2019 01:13

I think you need to talk to a lawyer.

Original poster
AnneTwackie · 18/09/2019 01:15

I think you’re right Bertrand and cake

OP posts:
bpirockin · 18/09/2019 01:27

I would not be reporting this to the Police, anonymously or otherwise. The potential ramifications for something that was extremely foolish as well as illegal, but is over, could be far reaching. Driving and owning a car is incredibly expensive for youngsters at the best of times, but if he has a black mark before he even starts, your son's life could be limited a great deal, both socially and in terms of work.

I'd be having a serious chat with him about what "someone" believe they saw, and make it clear to him the risk he would be taking, and the cost to him and his future, let alone any other road users if anything had gone wrong.

What a selfish, thoughtless father he has, to do such a thing rather than get a taxi. Your son is not responsible for his father, but needs help to see that he has to take responsibility for himself and his actions, and that they have consequences. He got away with it this time, and how fortunate that is for all concerned.

Scare the shit out of him, but don't involve the Police - no-one was hurt, thankfully. He made a mistake, he used poor judgement, and your ex should not have allowed it, let alone encouraged it - selfish twat. Give the kid a chance. The great thing about being human is that we have the ability to learn, so point out the risks and potential cost to him, he's old enough to understand the implications. Then tell him that if he does anything remotely similar ever again, you will contact the Police.

I'm sorry, and realise it must be scary for you, but Police involvement won't change that. As for the ex, tell him to book a taxi if he's going to be drinking around your son.

Coffeeonthesofa · 18/09/2019 01:28

Again personal experience of getting legal advice in a similar situation ( in Scotland) when desperate to know what to do for the best advised not to report to the police, but not to lie if the police got in touch. The solicitor also offered to talk to the young person and explain what could happen to them if charged. Also what might happen if they didn’t straighten up their ways and they ended up in a young offenders institute.

1forAll74 · 18/09/2019 01:56

No,don't get the police involved at all. Just make sure your son doesn't do this again.

ProhibitedRodent · 18/09/2019 02:21

@FurrySlipperBoots Apples? Eh? Wtf are you on about?! 🤣

ProhibitedRodent · 18/09/2019 02:27

@AnneTwackie As a PP said, the worst that could happen as a third party report is an informal Caution. It will NOT show up on his record/DBS checks in the future but as an aside, will certainly help when it comes to custody in court. Without a Police record of it ie: a Caution, the Courts will NOT pay any interest in your 'accusation' and will not take what you say happened into consideration at all. To them, it's hearsay without Police evidence

perfectstorm · 18/09/2019 02:31

Agreed that you need to speak to a lawyer. One with experience in youth offending, specifically. Nobody here can advise, as the completely contradictory positions prove.

I am so sorry, though. What a horrible situation for you. You can't win, whatever, can you. Hopefully as he grows up he will see through his father.

TumblingTumbleWeeds · 18/09/2019 02:51

My husband was driving pick-ups on public roads when he was 12. He had to follow his father who was in a tractor, going from field to field on a regular bases. The pick-up trucks were manual transmission. He was doing field work in a tractor at age 10. He was scared to death but he had no choice in the matter. His dad was an arsehole.

My son was legally driving at 16. I was giving my son and his friends driving lessons when they were 15, (with a learners permit) and they all drove so carefully and responsibly. They had drivers ed at school here.

I would not turn your son in but have a serious word with him. I think his dad might be a lost cause and I'd be more worried what else he's teaching your son.

Thehouseintheforest · 18/09/2019 03:30

As someone who works on a police team I can categorically tell you that you son would not be charged with anything !! He is a minor acting under the direct supervision of a parent. !!

If your child had taken and driven a car himself. With no knowledge of any parent - that is quite a different matter. Then we would look at all the charges mentioned in previous posts such as driving without being insured /no license etc but this would not happen as first offence if no accident had occurred. Initially it would be a police caution . Second offence would probably result in arrest but we would struggle based on the mother's evidence alone..

However this is NOT the case for you OP. You have a situation where a parent has put their child in danger by reckless behaviour. My first point of call would be a referral to child protection as their seems to be a worrying level of 'coercion ' ... then a visit from Uniformed officers to have a word with your ex and make him aware that this is unacceptable and the car /him are now known to the police. We couldn't charge because of the lack of evidence.. but could definitely let his father know that charges of 'assisting and encouraging a crime' would be considered if it was known to happen again . (The new charges covering the old 'incitement' charges ). ..

BlackCatSleeping · 18/09/2019 03:42

But, the OP doesn’t know exactly what happened that night. There may have been an accident. He may have clipped a car or run a red light. Once it’s in the hands of the police, there are no guarantees about what will happen next.

Mummybares · 18/09/2019 04:15

Id not report it, as your son would be skrewed. but if questioned by police id not lie either about the texts.

Mummybares · 18/09/2019 04:17

You're trying to get revenge over the dad by skrewing your son. The record will affect him forever. Hes no killed anyone though so focus on what actually did happen not the could's.

Alicewond · 18/09/2019 04:24

Oh op, you are have gotten yourself in an awful position. Your son at 15 wants to see his dad and is old enough to decide. You shouldn’t be monitoring his phone that is a big no. But you did and have found out something which will hurt both him and ex. You need to stop with the monitoring of a 15 year olds phone, it’s wrong and if he finds out you’ll lose any relationship you have. You can’t control what ex does, or what ds agrees to. You can only advise and be there but not push him away from you completely

DramaFarmer · 18/09/2019 05:01

Banned from driving til 17......
and have a criminal conviction

Who are you most upset with OP, and who do you want to see punished?

And how are you going to accomplish this without saying you looked at his phone? Will YOU lie to the police, with some story about someone seeing him?

If you tell the police about the phone, that will be the evidence...

Your son will end up with this on his record.

What might be the consequences of that?

You cannot just pop by the police station and ask them to tell him off.

And even if they didn’t take him to court (your son... in court) a caution isn’t an unofficial telling off. It is on your record as an admission of guilt...of a criminal offence.

How will your relationship with your son be, if the police take him to court?

I would be RAGING at his Dad.

I would tell his Dad you know, tell him you took a record of the evidence , and if he ever pulls a stunt like that again he will never see his son again.

mathanxiety · 18/09/2019 05:02

You need a solicitor.

Maybe call the NSPCC anonymously and tell them as a 'concerned bystander' what you know of the situation incl all previous incidents you have listed here, minus the text details but including 'a report from someone who saw them' as DS drove. See what their advice might be.
My first point of call would be a referral to child protection as their seems to be a worrying level of 'coercion '
Thehouseintheforest
THIS ^^

Ignore the flak for monitoring the phone. You can only protect your DS if you know what is going on.

DramaFarmer · 18/09/2019 05:05

Oh, OK, I see the police view is no prosecution.

sashh · 18/09/2019 05:21

@saraclara Please explain what scrumping is?! I can't for the life of me work it out

Stealing apples (or pears,other fruit) from a tree that belongs to someone else. Very common in areas wi orchards because it involves tree climbing,stealing and not getting court.A bit like a country version of 'knock and run'

OP

You need to talk to your son about coercive control. This is the spell your ex has over him.

Can you book him on a teen driving experience for his 16th birthday / Xmas gift (if you can afford it) then have conversation about it and him getting his licence and how a friend of a friend couldn't learn ar 17 because he's got too many points on his licence before he'seven got it.

youarenotkiddingme · 18/09/2019 05:23

The issue is that it's your son who's committed the offence.

However it could be worse for him if next time he's caught or god forbid something happens.

I like the fact of saying someone saw him. Tell him that they've agreed not to report to the police because X will happen (find out what charge and consequence will be) but next time they will. Then point out the possible other consequences and the punishments for that.

Ask him how he thinks he can deal with his dad in future?

DadCanIHaveAZedgie · 18/09/2019 05:41

If your child had taken and driven a car himself. With no knowledge of any parent

A member of my family did this at 15. They were banned from driving, fines etc. There was irrefutable proof though (they caused damage and we're seen) but it did result in a criminal record and made it impossible to get insurance for many years as there was a driving conviction on their record. This was in the NW.

Even if you call anonymously, they still take your number, and are able to trace you. And are not necessarily careful with the reported information and how they tell the person who had committed the offence even if you are very clear what the repurcusions could be for you , this has happened to me. The police do not always act in a trustworthy way. I have also got personal experience of that, so be wary.

I would take legal advice before doing anything.

SoupDragon · 18/09/2019 06:18

FurrySlipperBoots Apples? Eh? Wtf are you on about?!🤣

She was explaining what scrumping was as you said you didn't know.

SoupDragon · 18/09/2019 06:19

^Drivers of motor vehicles to have driving licences.

(1)It is an offence for a person to drive on a road a motor vehicle of any class [F1otherwise than in accordance with] a licence authorising him to drive a motor vehicle of that class.^

(2)It is an offence for a person to cause or permit another person to drive on a road a motor vehicle of any class [F2otherwise than in accordance with a licence authorising that other person] to drive a motor vehicle of that class.

Doesn't (2) mean the father has also committed an offence?

Ohyesiam · 18/09/2019 06:30

Your sin is a minor who didn’t act off his own initiative, but to yrs sport inebriated father who should have had responsibility for him.

NewNameGuy · 18/09/2019 06:33

Don't tell the police! Ffs what would the point be

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/09/2019 06:47

Omg what a worry for you. I hope your ds is able to see sense soon. I know this may seem counterintuitive but if your ds is going to drive illegally for his father and you decide not to report, perhaps you could teach him to the best of your ability to do it safely. As in talk him through it, take him on a driving experience day etc. Perhaps if you did this, he will open up and tell you what happened.