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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think partner shouldn't have done this

192 replies

Quinbase · 17/09/2019 10:52

Name changed as I could be identified.

I've been with husband for 6 years. Married for 2. And we have 5 year old twins and a 1 year old.

On Saturday we went out (we never go out much usually but my brother was free to look after the children) with one of husbands friends. I went to the loo and when I came back I saw him kissing his friend and his friend was shocked. Husband was drunk but his friend wasn't.

And then he told me to leave him alone and he loves his friend. And then he kept trying to hold hands with his friend. I left.

On Sunday I spoke to him about it and he said i was lying and his friend was aswell. But he said so what if it happened and it doesn't mean he's gay.

AIBU to think he shouldn't have done this? What can I do?

OP posts:
Confusedbeetle · 17/09/2019 10:53

Being drunk lowers inhibitions, he may be gay

joystir59 · 17/09/2019 10:55

He is gay? What kind of kissing?

StudentHelp · 17/09/2019 10:55

I think it doesn’t matter whether he’s gay or not he was disrespectful and rude to you and that’s what you need to address first and foremost. Has he apologised?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 17/09/2019 10:55

TBH no straight man I know would kiss a male friend, no matter how drunk

Grimbles · 17/09/2019 10:56

If MN is any kind a barometer, this kind of thing is more common than you might think...

dollydaydream114 · 17/09/2019 11:16

BH no straight man I know would kiss a male friend, no matter how drunk

Well, quite. I suspect he's bisexual (no idea why nobody on MN always assumes 'gay' rather than 'bi' when stuff like this happens, but anyway).

If he is bi, that in itself wouldn't be a problem but if he is getting drunk and trying to get off with people (whether men or women) that is completely unacceptable. It's incredibly disrespectful and humiliating for you and it is a absolutely not a case of 'so what'.

Was his friend shocked by the kissing or by you interrupting? And what did his friend do when your husband kept trying to hold his hand? Is his friend gay or straight? Is his friend even single?

Original poster
Quinbase · 17/09/2019 11:17

He hasn't apologised. He said it didn't happen and if it did who cares because he isn't gay.

OP posts:
Original poster
Quinbase · 17/09/2019 11:21

His friend was shocked he kissed him. And when he kept trying to hold his hand his friend kept trying to move his hand away and told him to stop. His friend is straight and has a girlfriend (she wasn't with us though).

OP posts:
Windydaysuponus · 17/09/2019 11:23

Man /woman do you consider a kiss cheating?
My marriage would be over regardless..

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 17/09/2019 11:27

If he is bi, that in itself wouldn't be a problem well it might be a problem for OP if she thought he was straight.

Damntheman · 17/09/2019 11:32

Eh I know a lot of straight men who aren't wigged out by kissing other men. It's fine.

What ISN'T fine though is a man in a committed monogomous relationship trying it on with other people. He owes you an apology OP. He isn't excused because he "isn't gay", he committed himself to being with you and only you, that means not kissing other people, even other men. What a douche!

I hope you're okay OP.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/09/2019 11:37

He said it didn't happen

But you SAW him. And his friend did.

if it did who cares because he isn't gay

Well, YOU care. You're married to him!

And he should care that you care.

Sorry but you need a serious chat about this. Whether or not he admits to being attracted to his friend, you don't around kissing other people when you're in a committed relationship.

So two issues: one, his fidelity is in question if he thinks it's acceptable to do this in public, with you present. What does he get up to when you're not there?

Two: His sexuality. He does sounds confused. And embarrassed. And in denial.

Well, actually, there's a third issue. What do YOU want to do going forwards?

Shoxfordian · 17/09/2019 11:42

Dump him
Why are you not sure? Wow.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 17/09/2019 11:42

He kissed someone else

He basically actually tried to harass someone else. If someone tried to kiss me and kept trying to hold my hand, when I didnt want them to, I think that would be classed as harassment.

He tried to lie about it

He is now minimising your (perfectly normal) feelings about it.

He has done something which affects you and your relationship and refusing to discuss it

All of this is wrong. Maybe he is having a hard time accepting he is bi? Could you get your friend to have a word with him? Either way his treatment of you is not decent or respectful. If he absolutely wont talk about it then you have to decide what you want to do about it knowing he cant be honest with you.

Billben · 17/09/2019 11:47

who cares because he isn't gay

Oh, but he is. Or at least bi.

Original poster
Quinbase · 17/09/2019 11:51

He won't talk about it because it 'didn't happen'.

I don't know what I want to do because I can't talk to him about it.

OP posts:
messolini9 · 17/09/2019 11:56

I don't know what I want to do because I can't talk to him about it.

"DP, you are lying to me, & the friend you embarrassed will back me up. If you refuse to stop lying & discuss this with me, we are done."

At least you will then have a result, either way.

I wouldn;t be bothered about a drunken kiss.
I would, however, be bothered by his harassment of his friend, refusal to listen, & now his blatant lying. Utterly disrespectful to you.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/09/2019 11:58

I don't know what I want to do because I can't talk to him about it

You don't have to wait for him to talk about it to decide what you want to do.

Do you want to carry on and secretly worry and hope that he isn't gay?

Or do you want to ask him to leave?

He can deny it all he likes. That doesn't change the fact that it DID happen.

I'm sorry this is happening but you can either join him in the denial game, or rip off the plaster and get to the truth.

You don't even sound angry that he thinks it's OK to treat you like this. It's not all on his terms. Your opinion and feelings are valid here too. You are worth more than being dismissed as 'it didn't happen'.

Zaphodsotherhead · 17/09/2019 11:58

Could you ask the friend, who he kissed, to ask him what the hell it was all about?

Because he can't keep saying 'it didn't happen', when two people who were THERE say it did. He can't deny it out of existence. He just doesn't want to talk about it and hopes you will shut up about it.

But the friend needs to have a word. Or A Word, because that was nasty behaviour, whichever way you cut it. He basically sexually harrassed a friend!

dollydaydream114 · 17/09/2019 11:59

He hasn't apologised. He said it didn't happen and if it did who cares because he isn't gay.

I’d care if I caught my partner trying to get off with someone else regardless of whether it meant he was gay or not.

He sounds like a dickhead. To you and to his friend.

ThatCurlyGirl · 17/09/2019 12:00

Like a peck jokingly or a proper kiss?

Rachelover60 · 17/09/2019 12:01

Very dodgy. He may or may not be gay but it was an insulting thing to do, both to his friend and to you.

Your husband needs a good talking to about the effects of booze.

DoctorAllcome · 17/09/2019 12:08

Holy cow.
Suggest a threesome to see if he will admit to it.
The only way it is not sexual is if he is a Mob Godfather and was giving the kiss of impending death.

Gemma1971 · 17/09/2019 12:08

Blimey... how drunk was he? Like so totally out of it that he may have thought it was you? I know people who get so drunk they can't recall a thing they said or did....

It sounds really odd, especially if you have never suspected him of being gay or anything?

The fact he is being so obstinate about discussing it is odd too.

All very, very strange. I would have no idea what to think, or what to do.

What sort of kiss was it? Was he just messing about do you reckon?

AryaStarkWolf · 17/09/2019 12:10

"DP, you are lying to me, & the friend you embarrassed will back me up. If you refuse to stop lying & discuss this with me, we are done."

This.

His reaction reminds me of that Shaggy Song "It wasn't me" tell him to grow the fuck up and either talk to you or get out.

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