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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think partner shouldn't have done this

192 replies

Quinbase · 17/09/2019 10:52

Name changed as I could be identified.

I've been with husband for 6 years. Married for 2. And we have 5 year old twins and a 1 year old.

On Saturday we went out (we never go out much usually but my brother was free to look after the children) with one of husbands friends. I went to the loo and when I came back I saw him kissing his friend and his friend was shocked. Husband was drunk but his friend wasn't.

And then he told me to leave him alone and he loves his friend. And then he kept trying to hold hands with his friend. I left.

On Sunday I spoke to him about it and he said i was lying and his friend was aswell. But he said so what if it happened and it doesn't mean he's gay.

AIBU to think he shouldn't have done this? What can I do?

OP posts:
PaulHollywoodsleftbollockhair · 17/09/2019 16:08

Being drunk is not a get out of jail card for adultery/cheating.

Why are your boundaries so off?

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 17/09/2019 16:11
Flowers
Didntwanttochangemyname · 17/09/2019 16:20

You have very strange boundaries.

Original poster
Quinbase · 17/09/2019 16:26

I know it isn't a get out of jail card but i wouldn't leave him If he was very apologetic but he isn't

OP posts:
CalmdownJanet · 17/09/2019 16:34

Well whatever you do do not tell him that!

PaulHollywoodsleftbollockhair · 17/09/2019 16:35

Being apologetic doesn't alter the likely ramifications

Parky04 · 17/09/2019 16:41

You don't need to talk to him. What would your reaction have been if he was kissing another woman? Deal breaker for me.

Peridot1 · 17/09/2019 16:50

Ignore the fact it was a male friend. If it was a female friend he kissed, tried to hold her hand and told you he loved her how would you feel? (I know how I would feel!)

And he is gaslighting you but denying it happened. You were there. You saw. You heard. As did the friend.

It would be a complete deal breaker for me. Male or female. It’s cheating whatever.

I have a female friend who I am very close to and we say that if we were gay we would be together. And we hug. Kiss on the cheek. Tell each other we love them. But we don’t hold hands or kiss on the lips. That’s more sexual.

Original poster
Quinbase · 17/09/2019 17:00

If he was kissing a women I would be angry and not shocked like I am now.

He's messaged me saying he is going for a drink with his friend after work.

OP posts:
NavyBlueHue · 17/09/2019 17:05

Either way he’s cheated in front of you. It does sound as if he’s Bi or Gay but first and foremost he tried to cheat. And that’s when you’re there!!!! What’s he doing/done when you’re not?

End game if it was me I’m afraid.

NavyBlueHue · 17/09/2019 17:05

I’d also tell him you either discuss this or he leaves. He doesn’t get to pretend it didn’t happen ffs. You saw it!

Hopesorfears · 17/09/2019 17:07

You can stay married to someone bisexual, but surely not to a bisexual who is in love with his bf and kisses him in front of you?

AryaStarkWolf · 17/09/2019 17:07

He's messaged me saying he is going for a drink with his friend after work.

The same friend?

ThatCurlyGirl · 17/09/2019 17:08

Oh OP you poor thing. He's being a right dick about all this Thanks

SuzieQ10 · 17/09/2019 17:11

this must be really tough for you OP. Sorry to say it but there is no point staying in this relationship, now that you know he's a)willing to cheat/ maybe even leave you for someone else, b)he's interested in men, a specific man.

Good luck to you OP. Wishing you future happiness.

SunshineCake · 17/09/2019 17:21

He is really being cruel or doesn't care about you as he thinks, knows, he can behave like this and there is nothing you can do.

Well there is and it is time you started doing it. Whatever you do doesn't have to be final.

Original poster
Quinbase · 17/09/2019 17:39

No i wouldn't stay married if he's bisexual and is in love with his friend.

Yes the same friend.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 17/09/2019 17:47

Well, you can reply have a nice date, I’ll need you to decide where you’re staying tonight. If it’s here you can take the sofa while we work out what’s happening.

Windydaysuponus · 17/09/2019 18:05

He said he loves him.
What further proof do you need?

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/09/2019 18:09

"On Sunday I spoke to him about it and he said i was lying and his friend was as well. But he said so what if it happened and it doesn't mean he's gay."
This for me is the big issue, him insisting that you didn't see what you saw. The insistence that you are his friend are both lying. It is classic gaslighting, and it needs to stop right now.

You need to talk. I know he's refusing to, and thats why I think you need to give him an ultimatum. Either he talks, or he walks.

If he's going to keep insisting that you didn't see what you clearly saw, and he didn't say what you clearly heard him say, then he needs to go.

He is completely disrespecting you and you cannot trust or respect him because he is barefaced lying to you about something that fundamentally affects your relationship. If he values your relationship so little, he should just go now.

Hopefully, he will crackand you can talk together about this and where you go from here. If he doesn't - still insists nothing happened - I'm sorry, I don't think your relationship will survive. So sorry.

LucyAutumn · 17/09/2019 18:13

Oh OP, this sounds devastatingly confusing for all involved. Could you and his friend sit him down together and ask for some answers?

Original poster
Quinbase · 17/09/2019 18:15

I told him to enjoy his date and he said it isn't a date 😂.

I'm surprised his friend said yes to going with him for a drink.

OP posts:
Hopesorfears · 17/09/2019 18:20

it's not a date
Not for want of trying though? This really can't continue, could anyone be the kids so you could go along to meet them too? I suspect your H is wanting to get his story straight with his friend.

Hopesorfears · 17/09/2019 18:20

Could anyone watch the kids

Original poster
Quinbase · 17/09/2019 18:51

I don't know if he will tell his friend why.

I don't think anyone is free to watch the kids on Saturday was the first time me and husband went out since before dd and after the twins we only went out once so we've only been out twice together since having children.

OP posts:
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