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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think partner shouldn't have done this

192 replies

Quinbase · 17/09/2019 10:52

Name changed as I could be identified.

I've been with husband for 6 years. Married for 2. And we have 5 year old twins and a 1 year old.

On Saturday we went out (we never go out much usually but my brother was free to look after the children) with one of husbands friends. I went to the loo and when I came back I saw him kissing his friend and his friend was shocked. Husband was drunk but his friend wasn't.

And then he told me to leave him alone and he loves his friend. And then he kept trying to hold hands with his friend. I left.

On Sunday I spoke to him about it and he said i was lying and his friend was aswell. But he said so what if it happened and it doesn't mean he's gay.

AIBU to think he shouldn't have done this? What can I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Quinbase · 17/09/2019 13:07

Before I went to the loo husband did keep touching his hand but me and his friend thought nothing of it because husband said sorry.

His friend told him to stop because he didn't like husband kissing him/holding his hand/saying he loved him.

OP posts:
Drogosnextwife · 17/09/2019 13:09

No matter who he kissed, he cheated on you and then was rude to you and now he's gasliggting you AND his friend.

Toooldtocareanymore · 17/09/2019 13:12

I think you have a serious problem with your dh, not because of the kiss because really if you are bi and want to get off with someone you don't chose your straight friend who's clearly not going to want to kiss you in public, while out with your wife, either he was so drunk he had no inhibitions at all and perhaps thought he was funny and has no recollection at all, in which case was he drop down drunk, and he cant say it didn't happen because he has no idea what happened, or he does recall ( probably wishes he didn't) and this is reinforced by saying to friend no you kissed me and held my hand...I think anyone else would just say it was a joke or I was teasing Quinbase etc but to just say it didn't happen is really just saying he's a liar and happy to say you are. It is a worse lack of respect to just say no it didn't happen.

The only explanation i'd have for his behaviours is he took some form of drugs. I did once see an acquaintance proposition a taxi driver while her husband was in the cab, started stripping off saying this is what she always did to get home on the cheap, then tried to pimp us out, and next day she didn't believe she had done it but she didn't deny it as she couldn't recall the taxi journey home, though she seemed sober enough, she later admitted cocaine use.

SleepingStandingUp · 17/09/2019 13:12

So

  1. He tried to force himself into someone who told him no and kept trying to touch him despite being told to stop
  2. He kissed another person in a way that wasn't platonic
  3. He refuses he discuss it because he doesn't care that you're hurt.

I'd seriously be in the "do I want to stay eith this man" train

FishCakesFishCakesLovelyLovely · 17/09/2019 13:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hopesorfears · 17/09/2019 13:12

You got pregnant fairly early into the relationship? I'm just trying to see why he stayed if he feels like this. He may well love you OP but it seems he also loves his bf and last night it was him he wanted not you. If you can get him to go somewhere else for a few days I think you need space to process this.

Windydaysuponus · 17/09/2019 13:17

Please get checked out. The friend may not be his only 'indiscretion'....
And see a solicitor.

steppemum · 17/09/2019 13:18

"DP, you are lying to me, & the friend you embarrassed will back me up. If you refuse to stop lying & discuss this with me, we are done."

this.
and I agree about the gaslighting.
Just because he is pretending it didn't happen, doesn't mean it didn't happen!

The issue isn't whether or not he is attracted to this guy. The issue is that he is in a relationship, and so isn't free to be attracted. he has cheated with a kiss. Doesn't matter if man or a woman, especially as this was obviously a 'I fancy you' kiss, not a daft messing aroudn thing.

Blindspot82 · 17/09/2019 13:18

Urm…….he's gay, or bi. He needs to come clean. For both your sakes.

macem · 17/09/2019 13:22

I cannot imagine any straight guy holding his mate's hand, no matter how drunk.

That's somehow even more intimate than a kiss.

CandyLeBonBon · 17/09/2019 13:24

To the pp who said this: Did his friend sit there passively and accept being kissed or did he push him away and ask him what the hell he was doing? It's a very strange scenario.

What are you asking? That because he didn't push him away he was somehow consenting or complicit?

There is a fight, flight or freeze response in situations like this. It sounds like he froze. Be very careful with your insinuations

BarbedBloom · 17/09/2019 13:28

This would not be forgivable for me. First he forced himself on someone who kept telling him to stop. He cheated by doing so. He then gas lighted you and your friend. How could you ever trust him again when he has a drink?

This happened to DH. Loads of people saw it happen but afterwards his friend was just adamant it didn't happen and several people, including strangers to him were all lying. It is just total denial.

verticality · 17/09/2019 13:34

If this is for real - and I have my doubts - then your husband is clearly bi or gay!

chipsandgin · 17/09/2019 13:35

Gaslighting, infidelity & forcing unwanted physical contact regardless of the side issue of whether or not he is potentially bisexual are massive issues you need to be taking a stand on. Can you ask him to leave if he’s unwilling to face up to it, I wouldn’t carry on in your position. If you do it’ll only be a matter of time before the truth comes out (or he does..).

Original poster
Quinbase · 17/09/2019 13:42

Yes this is real.

We had children after a year of being together. They were unplanned. Thinking back though he was being weird towards this friend before I was pregnant with DD as when his friend split up with his ex husband said that if they were gay he would be with him. I thought nothing of it because he was probably just making his friend feel better about himself (he got cheated on). And a few months ago when his friend got with his new girlfriend husband told his friend she wasn't good enough for him. Although after he did apologise and said it wasn't his business.

OP posts:
SouthernComforts · 17/09/2019 13:48

You're very calm for someone whose husband has just kissed, held hands and told another man he's in love with them. What's your plan OP? Other than posting on here?

Lemonlimesoda · 17/09/2019 13:48

Your husband is gay and in love with his best friend. Even if he doesn’t admit it, you’re clearly piecing this together now for yourself and know you have to leave him. Sorry this has happened Flowers

CheshireChat · 17/09/2019 13:50

Well, his friend could go to the police and report the assault who I doubt would be impressed by his "defence".

SoyDora · 17/09/2019 13:51

It doesn’t matter that your DH is saying it didn’t happen, as you know it did. So the ball is in your court. Do you want to be with someone who kisses other people in front of you then lies about it, or don’t you?

MeOnScreen · 17/09/2019 13:52

Okay, I've kissed my friend when I've been drunk, I'm not gay or bi and my partner knows and it doesn't bother him.
However if it did bother him I would apologise and never do it again (not that we make a habit of it anyway.)
I think people are jumping the gun saying he's gay and from the sounds of it he was extremely drunk.
However I see more the issue here being that he won't accept what you and his friend are saying. If anything the fact he's being so casual about it means it really was just a stupid drunken mistake, however if it has upset you then he needs to apologise.

Original poster
Quinbase · 17/09/2019 13:53

I think I'll leave him because he cheated. And is going to give an explanation as to why

OP posts:
MeOnScreen · 17/09/2019 13:54

Sorry just read the other comments properly, if the guy was consenting then it's quite bad. He really really needs to apologise

Original poster
Quinbase · 17/09/2019 13:56

His friend wasn't consenting and did tell him to stop when he was trying to hold his hand.

OP posts:
PaulHollywoodsleftbollockhair · 17/09/2019 13:58

Are you absolutely sure your husband and his friend haven't been intimate in the past?

He has broken your vows regardless and is a disrespectful turd.

TheRoyalCorgi · 17/09/2019 13:58

Honestly I’d leave him. I know people will say I’m overreacting because it’s just a kiss, but it’s not even the kiss. It’s the lying and telling you it didn’t happen and also saying even if he did it doesn’t matter because he’s not gay. So he could have sex with other men and it doesn’t matter because he’s not gay? He’s also been so disrespectful to his friend by touching and kissing him and then saying his friend is lying and it didn’t happen.

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