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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think partner shouldn't have done this

192 replies

Quinbase · 17/09/2019 10:52

Name changed as I could be identified.

I've been with husband for 6 years. Married for 2. And we have 5 year old twins and a 1 year old.

On Saturday we went out (we never go out much usually but my brother was free to look after the children) with one of husbands friends. I went to the loo and when I came back I saw him kissing his friend and his friend was shocked. Husband was drunk but his friend wasn't.

And then he told me to leave him alone and he loves his friend. And then he kept trying to hold hands with his friend. I left.

On Sunday I spoke to him about it and he said i was lying and his friend was aswell. But he said so what if it happened and it doesn't mean he's gay.

AIBU to think he shouldn't have done this? What can I do?

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 17/09/2019 13:58

being weird towards this friend before I was pregnant with DD as when his friend split up with his ex husband said that if they were gay he would be with him.

So wait...this friend your DH kissed is gay? And your DH has said previously that if he (your DH) was gay he'd be with this friend? Am I understanding what you wrote correctly?

Because if I am, then your DH is gay.

ThatCurlyGirl · 17/09/2019 13:58

Sorry OP, this sounds like a really confusing and shitty situation to be in.

I think maybe it's not that you're calm as such it's that you're disappointed and baffled rather than raging. You must be a bit in shock at how it's played out.

I get that and you aren't doing anything wrong by needing time to process this so you can then deal with leaving.

I hope you're ok Thanks

ReanimatedSGB · 17/09/2019 13:59

This is very odd behaviour. Yes, people seek or have sex with others outside their marriage fairly frequently, but for a man to kiss another man in public is even now a bit unusual, especially when the other man has shown no previous interest in a sexual/romantic relationship, and the kisser is married to a woman.
What is your relationship with your husband like in general? Does he treat you with kindness and affection? Are you happy together? Has your sexlife always been at least OK for both of you?

It's possible that your husband has always been sexually interested in men and married you believing that marriage would keep him 'safe' from this 'unnatural desire.'
It's possible that your husband is and always has been bisexual, but fell in love with you before he ever got round to exploring his potential sexual interest in men (this is extremely common.)
It's not completely impossible that he is, in fact, having an affair with this friend and the friend was not shocked that your H kissed him so much as shocked regarding the kiss having happened while you were nearby.
Or there is something odd going on with your H's mental health (shockingly disinhibited behaviour can indicate a variety of problems which need medical attention). In which case he might genuinely not remember the kiss, or believe that he imagined it but didn't act on his imaginings.

You know this man better than anyone on MN. Which explanation seems the most likely to you?

CustardySergeant · 17/09/2019 14:06

AcrossthePond55 I think there is meant to be a comma between 'ex' and 'husband' in the sentence you quoted. I read it the same as you at first and then realised.

ThatCurlyGirl · 17/09/2019 14:08

@CustardySergeant

I think there is meant to be a comma between 'ex' and 'husband' in the sentence you quoted. I read it the same as you at first and then realised.

Ah good spot, that would make more sense.

CustardySergeant · 17/09/2019 14:08

She meant that "when the friend split up with his ex, (my) husband said etc."

thecatsthecats · 17/09/2019 14:08

being weird towards this friend before I was pregnant with DD as when his friend split up with his ex husband said that if they were gay he would be with him.

I think that ought to read:

being weird towards this friend before I was pregnant with DD as when his friend split up with his ex, my husband said that if they were gay he would be with him.

Original poster
Quinbase · 17/09/2019 14:09

No his friend isn't gay. Husband said if they were both gay then he would be with him but I thought nothing of it ask I thought he was making his friend feel better about himself.

I don't think they are having an affair as his friend has a girlfriend so he would be cheating on her aswell.

I'm about 99% they haven't been intimate but they have been friends since secondary school before I met partner.

OP posts:
CustardySergeant · 17/09/2019 14:10

Cross post, but yes, it would've helped if she'd put 'my' in front of 'husband'. It's a bizarre situation anyway..

TriciaH87 · 17/09/2019 14:13

You leave. Either way he cheated on you and was more interested in them than you. Not only that but he did this in public. His either not ready to come out or his bisexual but either way if he said his in love with this other person then male or female you walk away

Original poster
Quinbase · 17/09/2019 14:21

He did say he loved him but he said he didn't say that either.

OP posts:
inwood · 17/09/2019 14:24

Doesn't matter if he tried to kiss a man or a woman, the point is he kissed someone who isn't you op.

PonderingPanda · 17/09/2019 14:29

Did the friend seem angry or surprised at all by this? As l can't imagine why a straight man would put up with it

AcrossthePond55 · 17/09/2019 14:38

Ok, got it! Friend isn't gay.

I guess in the end it really doesn't matter if the person he was kissing/hanging all over is a man or a woman, does it? It's disrespectful to Quin and to their marriage. And the fact that he's saying it never happened is gaslighting at its worst.

If he was just hanging onto a mate saying 'I love you, man!' in that drunk 'overly-emotional' way it'd be one thing. But he was kissing him on the lips and trying to hold his hand. There's something there. Exactly what, who knows? But whatever it is he's refusing to either acknowledge or deal with it.

I think before you take this further you need to figure out your own position/boundaries in this situation. Is this a dealbreaker as far as infidelity goes regardless of the sex of the friend? Could you continue with the marriage if your DH is gay/bisexual? What do you want, Quin? Once you get that settled in your head, then tell him what his choices are.

Rezie · 17/09/2019 14:42

Husband said if they were both gay then he would be with him
Your husband kissed is friend and is saying in other circumstances he would want to be with him. I personally believe that friend is a friend. If the friend was a women's then your husband would have kissed her on front of you (sound like it was not a consensual kiss) and then said that he loved her and if he was single then he'd want to be with her. Would you be confused in the case?

busybarbara · 17/09/2019 14:56

I kiss my friends when I'm drunk but I'm not"gay". Definite double standard on here

Myriade · 17/09/2019 14:56

So basically your DH has a crush on that guy and has had that crush for a long time.
He is refusing to admit it (and always has) but for one reaosn r the other, when he was drunk, he actually (finally?) acted on it and kissed that guy and told him he loves him.
The guy never gives his accord to be kissed and actually said NO/STOP both to the kissing and the declaration of love. So your DH actually in some ways committed an assault as he never got consent to touch/kiss the guy.
The fact the friend only told him to stop it but didnt get angry/evry vocal makes me suspect he actually knows and has put the dots together for a while too...

Myriade · 17/09/2019 14:58

@busybarbara, if I saw you kissing a female friend with a full kiss on the lip, I woud assume you are attracted to women sorry. No double standard for me. There is a difference between a full on kiss that you give to a lover and kiss you give to a friend.

SleepingStandingUp · 17/09/2019 15:00

I kiss my friends when I'm drunk but I'm not"gay" you might not be gay but if you're snogging them then you're not straight either. Which doesn't matter. What matters is are you doing it in front of your partner and are you cheating.

steppemum · 17/09/2019 15:02

I don't do full on lip kisses ot my friends when drunk.

I think type of kiss is important

CalmdownJanet · 17/09/2019 15:26

I'd 100% leave him. I'd leave if he kissed another woman, told her he loved her and told me to leave them alone. I'd leave because he treated me like a fool, embarrassed me, disrespected me, lied to me, gaslighted me, I would be gone. The fact that he clearly is bi just makes it worse because it adds a whole new level of doubt and uncertainty to an already terrible situation and it would also mean I would question our entire past relationship.

What a terrible situation op, I hope all works out for you.

Original poster
Quinbase · 17/09/2019 15:32

If he was bisexual I would stay with him but if he was gay I wouldn't.

I think it is cheating especially because he isn't apologising. I probably wouldn't think it was cheating if he apologised and said he was drunk.

OP posts:
Rezie · 17/09/2019 15:48

You are basically saying that if he is bisexual then it's ok if he cheats? Cause you admited that you consider it cheating.

I'm not telling you to leave him or anyhting. But really just thibk how you see this relationship going forward. I'd also consider talking to the friend and ask about their history. I'm not the one telling people to go to therapy but this is something that might be beneficial for you as a couple

PaulHollywoodsleftbollockhair · 17/09/2019 15:59

How long do you plan sticking around hoping he will eventually be honest with you?

Original poster
Quinbase · 17/09/2019 16:00

No I'm saying that if he admitted he kissed him etc but said it was a drunk mistake then I wouldn't think it would be cheating.

I know they have been friends since secondary school.

OP posts:
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