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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think partner shouldn't have done this

192 replies

Quinbase · 17/09/2019 10:52

Name changed as I could be identified.

I've been with husband for 6 years. Married for 2. And we have 5 year old twins and a 1 year old.

On Saturday we went out (we never go out much usually but my brother was free to look after the children) with one of husbands friends. I went to the loo and when I came back I saw him kissing his friend and his friend was shocked. Husband was drunk but his friend wasn't.

And then he told me to leave him alone and he loves his friend. And then he kept trying to hold hands with his friend. I left.

On Sunday I spoke to him about it and he said i was lying and his friend was aswell. But he said so what if it happened and it doesn't mean he's gay.

AIBU to think he shouldn't have done this? What can I do?

OP posts:
WombOfOnesOwn · 17/09/2019 18:53

The friend said yes to this date? After being kissed and held hands with and "not consenting" to that?

It sounds like something much more is going on. Maybe the friend just was aware of how inappropriate it was to kiss in front of you, and they've actually been shagging for months. I don't think a straight male of my acquaintance would go to a one-on-one social engagement with a man who'd recently tried to kiss him, hold his hand, and tell him he loved him.

I'd advise getting out. But if you've ever been curious about a devil's threesome, might be a good chance while the getting's good. THEN cut him out.

beanaseireann · 17/09/2019 18:54

If it were me I'd sort a babysitter out and bump into meet your dh and his friend.
Or just to watch the interaction between them.

Gemma1971 · 17/09/2019 19:02

Sounds very much like an affair and it accidentally spilled out when he was drunk and "friend" is pretending nothing is going on.

You seem awfully calm for someone whose husband just did something so outrageous and then gaslighted you into the next dimension afterwards.

This would not be my idea of a happy marriage.

Original poster
Quinbase · 17/09/2019 19:23

I think my brother would be able to watch the kids but I don't know what pub they are at.

OP posts:
Hopesorfears · 17/09/2019 19:26

I wouldn't worry about that. But could you talk to your brother - or anyone else in real life - about what has happened as you need somehow to make sense of this.

TheTrollFairy · 17/09/2019 19:39

Do you have friends number? I would be messaging him asking him to let you know if the kiss was discussed and what your husband said about it as he’s refusing to speak to you about it.

I would change the locks and when he asks you about it say you didn’t change the locks 🤷‍♀️

Marnie76 · 17/09/2019 19:54

I think you need to speak to friend alone to get his take on the whole thing. He may not be honest with you but I think you can guarantee he’ll be more honest than your ‘DH’

Original poster
Quinbase · 17/09/2019 19:54

Yes I've got his friends number. I'll ask his him.

Husband is back now.

OP posts:
nespressowoo · 17/09/2019 20:03

Op this isn't looking good Sad

Original poster
Quinbase · 17/09/2019 20:11

Husband is still saying nothing happened. And he said he didn't go on a date he was going for a drink with his friend

OP posts:
Hopesorfears · 17/09/2019 20:16

Tell him it doesn't matter what he says you saw what happened and that is enough. He either starts with some honesty or it's time for him to leave.
Well that's what I would do.

Original poster
Quinbase · 17/09/2019 20:29

I told him that I will leave him If he won't be honest and he said he is being honest

OP posts:
Treestreestrees · 17/09/2019 20:36

Then leave him Confused don’t make empty threats

He’s telling you that something you saw with your own eyes didn’t happen.

He’s abusive. He cheated.

Oh and he’s definitely gay.

Hopesorfears · 17/09/2019 20:40

I am so sorry for the position you find yourself in. He isn't even going to try to make some shit up is he? It's nuts. Does he think you are going to believe black is white if he says it is?

Choice4567 · 17/09/2019 20:52
Flowers
Mummyshark2018 · 17/09/2019 20:52

Geez this is just weird. I'd be as worried (as the kiss itself) about the fact that he's blatantly lying to your face and gaslighting you. Was he so drunk that he could've blacked out?

Original poster
Quinbase · 17/09/2019 20:54

I asked his friend if he asked husband about the kiss and he said yes but husband said he didn't kiss him.

I will leave husband

OP posts:
Hopesorfears · 17/09/2019 20:58

Can his friend shed any light - I mean they've known each other since school, does he think your husband has had a thing for him, gone out with other men etc?

CandyLeBonBon · 17/09/2019 21:13

I think you need time and space away from your h op. This is clearly a bigger problem than you first imagined I think

AcrossthePond55 · 17/09/2019 21:27

I agree with Candy. Is there somewhere you and the DC can go for a week or two? A friend or family member? I really think you need to get away from him and clear your head.

I don't think counseling would be a bad idea, either. He's messing with your head.

AcrossthePond55 · 17/09/2019 21:28

Or maybe ask HIM to leave for a week or two. That may be a better (and easier) idea. After all, you've done nothing wrong here. He has.

Sparklypurpleunicornsaremyfav · 17/09/2019 21:31

Have you told him your leaving, what's he said?

Lowbrow · 17/09/2019 21:47

husband said if they were both gay then he would be with him. That’s very outing OP. So if only one of them is gay, that’s why they are not together.

You should ask the friend how often your husband has tried this sort of thing on with him since secondary school. I can’t believe your husband has never approached his friend before.

I don’t think the friend will be completely honest with you OP. I believe his embarrassment was because you were there. Heterosexual males aren’t interested in other males and probably wouldn’t be best friends with a male who tried to kiss them and hold their hands in a pub.

SweatyUnderboob · 17/09/2019 22:23

This sounds like an absolute headfuck and I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Have you had any reason to believe he is attracted to men previously?

ineedtoeatnow · 18/09/2019 01:08

He's in love with his friend. He's even admitted it on more than one occasion!

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