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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think partner shouldn't have done this

192 replies

Quinbase · 17/09/2019 10:52

Name changed as I could be identified.

I've been with husband for 6 years. Married for 2. And we have 5 year old twins and a 1 year old.

On Saturday we went out (we never go out much usually but my brother was free to look after the children) with one of husbands friends. I went to the loo and when I came back I saw him kissing his friend and his friend was shocked. Husband was drunk but his friend wasn't.

And then he told me to leave him alone and he loves his friend. And then he kept trying to hold hands with his friend. I left.

On Sunday I spoke to him about it and he said i was lying and his friend was aswell. But he said so what if it happened and it doesn't mean he's gay.

AIBU to think he shouldn't have done this? What can I do?

OP posts:
ravenmum · 17/09/2019 12:10

He's telling you that something didn't happen when you know it did.
That is gaslighting.

He's telling you that something doesn't matter when you know it does.
That is also gaslighting.

He's lying to your face as he doesn't want this to have happened.
Obviously you are not BU to be pissed off about that.
If you truly need to ask whether this is BU, then he's gaslit you very effectively.

Hopesorfears · 17/09/2019 12:11

He did this in front of you I'm so sorry OP.
I too would want to speak to his friend to get some perspective on it.
I'm sure you husband wishes it didn't happen, but he can't put the genie back into the bottle.

KUGA · 17/09/2019 12:25

Hes gay or bi. But in any case he is v disrespectful to you and as for saying it didnt happen ? ffks sake he`s making a fool of you.

Original poster
Quinbase · 17/09/2019 12:25

It was a proper kiss. And he knew it was his friend because he said "i love him" and told me to go. And his friend said that I was back now but husband said he wanted him.

His friend has also asked him why he kissed him etc and he said he didn't. And then said to his friend that he kissed him and held his hand and said his friend was too drunk to remember (his friend didn't drink any alcohol).

OP posts:
ptumbi · 17/09/2019 12:25

He said it didn't happen and if it did who cares because he isn't gay. - so if it did happen, it - what? won't happen again cos he isn't gay? Or he can kiss whoever he damn well likes, so long as it's male, because he isn't gay?

Or is he just minimising and bushing it off, because he isn't gay?

either way, he is still kissing someone else who is not you.

What has the 'friend' said? Is he still a 'friend'? Or is he also 'not gay' and minimising it?

ptumbi · 17/09/2019 12:27

OK cross posts, but your Dh is a twat.

I'm surprised his 'friend'is still talking to him at all - and I'm surprised you need to ask whether DH 'should have done this'.

Tilltheendoftheline · 17/09/2019 12:31

What's a proper kiss?

A full on snog and the friend sat their and snogged him back?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 17/09/2019 12:33

He is a liar and he's mad to think he can get both you and his friend to think that it didn't happen. He has been hiding this side of himself for a long time and now he can't keep it under wraps. This last event is barely an attempt at concealment.
Expect this to happen again - he really wants his secret to be out there and for someone else (you or his friend) to force the issue so that he doesn't have to.
I think you need to get some real life advice on this. So sorry you have to go through this it must be so upsetting.

Original poster
Quinbase · 17/09/2019 12:44

Husband kissed him on the lips but his friend didn't kiss him back.

His friend isn't gay and has a girlfriend but she wasn't with us.

OP posts:
CustardySergeant · 17/09/2019 12:44

Did his friend sit there passively and accept being kissed or did he push him away and ask him what the hell he was doing? It's a very strange scenario.

smokeytoby · 17/09/2019 12:48

He is gas lighting you. He also almost certainly has feelings for his friend. You cannot stay like this, LTB

AdoreTheBeach · 17/09/2019 12:49

Hi OP

How shocking and disturbing!

You left - but what happened after you left? Did your husband stay out with his friend? Would be rather odd of friend to stay out with your DH when DH was “drunk” and trying to kiss and hold hands with his friend. Sounds a bit Broke Back Mountain - esque.

Original poster
Quinbase · 17/09/2019 12:49

His friend sat there but when he kept trying to hold his hand his friend his hand and told him to stop.

OP posts:
MashedSpud · 17/09/2019 12:49

I used to drink and got pretty off my face quite a few times but never tried to kiss a female.

They say drink brings out the truth.

Gemma1971 · 17/09/2019 12:49

Does your husband have mental health problems? Is he possibly having a breakdown? This is just such odd behaviour... incredibly odd... sounds like a massive crisis or he is in the throes of a breakdown. People can behave very strangely. Does he have any history of psychosis?

What is he like the rest of the time, generally in life?

Original poster
Quinbase · 17/09/2019 12:53

No he doesn't have mental health issues.

He stayed with his friend but his friend said that husband was telling him to have a pint and he said no and then husband went over to his other friend who had came in after a left but wasn't kissing him or holding his hand.

OP posts:
dudsville · 17/09/2019 12:55

Look, your oh cheated on you, you saw it. Whatever you do is up to you, but don't let him tell you it didn't happen.

ThatCurlyGirl · 17/09/2019 12:57

Hmm I don't even know what to say to this one, I wouldn't know what to make of it either OP.

The fact is though he made you and his friend uncomfortable so calling you a liar and not saying sorry is totally unreasonable of him and tbh pretty nasty.

Not stopping trying to kiss someone when they are batting you away and saying no is pretty gross regardless of either party being male or female.

TanyaChix · 17/09/2019 12:58

It did happen because you saw it happen. Now it’s purely a case of him trying to undo the damage.

Did the friend tell him to stop simply because other people were present? Because it’s quite a leap to go from being straight mates to one saying I love you / holding hands/ full on trying to kiss the other without there being any previous preamble whatsoever. If there really has been nothing at all to encourage this, then your husband has behaved even more bizarrely to just pounce on him. Regardless, he needs to be honest with himself because he clearly isn’t being.

Gemma1971 · 17/09/2019 12:59

Then it sounds as if your husband is bisexual and let rip after a few drinks and inhibitions were down. Now he is crapping himself.

Or..... he is a piss artist who wants to annoy you for some reason and make you question everything.

Whatever is wrong with him, I am not sure I would be happy about his refusal to discuss it and to deny it even happened. I would probably be packing a bag for him at this every moment.

SomewhereInbetween1 · 17/09/2019 13:00

Regardless of his subsequent lies, your husband brazenly cheated right in front of you.

myloveforfrazzles · 17/09/2019 13:04

I’d leave Op, it’s so disrespectful. Is he basically saying it doesn’t matter that he’s kissed someone else because he isn’t gay? Does this mean he would be fine if you went out and kissed someone?

Oodlesandpoodles · 17/09/2019 13:05

As someone who has struggled with there sexuality it sounds as if your husband has pushed down his feelings towards his male friend.

Now, being drunk or not Is not an excuse for kissing a friend while he’s married to you.

You need to treat this as if he was kissing another woman.

I’d recommend a trial separation and Advise to work through this he needs to seek professional council.

It’s very upsetting to think that he’s married you and had several kids all while being sexually confused as to if he’s gay, straight, Bisexual.

Magicpaintbrush · 17/09/2019 13:06

I think you are trying to make sense of this because you are in shock, OP Flowers

If it was the drink talking then at the very least he should be offering explanations, apologies and doing everything in his power to reassure you - but he's not. He is being incredibly disrespectful.

Bunglefromrainbow · 17/09/2019 13:06

If you are sure that this isn't a breakdown of some kind then I'd be prepared to go out on a limb and say that your husband is gay. Not Bi, not curious, but gay.

There isn't really much else that I can think explains this behaviour. It is especially telling that he is basically gaslighting you saying that it didn't happen and that he is refusing to discuss it at all. A silly drunken joke that got out of hand due to beer is possible but you'd own that straight away imo.

Sorry OP, if he won't discuss this then you either do something about it or wait for the inevitable.

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